Fargo, ND – There was never a doubt in our minds that in some zany alternate universe, Fargo would have its own televised daytime drama. That suspicion has nearly come to fruition with the completion of our pilot episode. Just as soon as the rest of the episodes are written, we will begin a massive casting call. Line up for it!

Now, for the conclusion of episode one:

---

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 7. CONRAD.

FADE IN TO CONRAD DRIVING:

(Conrad is behind the wheel of his Dodge RAM Super Duty, cruising westbound down main avenue. AM 1100 plays very loudly on radio; Rush Limbaugh is talking.)

(Conrad stops at stoplight, digs in fanny pack, pulls out smartphone. Holds 2 for speed dial, puts on speakerphone then places phone on passenger seat. Rings, then an automated voice “thank you for calling the Rush Limbaugh Show on Premiere Radio Network”)

CONRAD: (impatiently) COME on, RUSHMEISTER…

(suddenly Beatris’s number rings in on call waiting. *beep beep*)

CONRAD: (looks over, groans) NO, no no no NO, Bea! (stoplight turns green, Conrad fails to notice. He grabs the phone frantically trying to cancel Beatris’s inbound call. A horn honks from behind) 

CONRAD: Damn it! SHUT up, liberal troll!! Rachael Maddow! (Conrad tosses phone back onto passenger seat, slams on gas pedal, all 4 wheels spin out on icy road, truck begins to fishtail a bit. Meanwhile Conrad doesn’t realize he accidentally answered Beatris’s call while speakerphone still engaged.)

BEATRIS: (via phone) Conrad?? CONRAD, Jesus, what’s happening??

CONRAD: (surprised) Rush? RUSH?? Am I on?? Long time listener, huge fan! Hey Rush, do you think Jodie Foster is part alien? I mean, if you look at the shape of her head–

BEATRIS: (interrupts Conrad) Conrad. CONRAD. It’s me. Your WIFE. Hellloooooooooo???

CONRAD: (hears her now) Aw, damn it, Bea! (slaps phone to attempt a hang up while driving, fails, keeps slapping with open hand, slapping, slapping…)

CUT SCENE FADE

---

SCENE 8. STANLEY.

FADE IN TO STANLEY ON THE PHONE WITH KINGSLEY:

STANLEY: (listening intently) Margie? Ok… I spose, then. I’ll head up there, ya.

(camera pans the interior of Stanley’s trailer, it is littered with numerous trinkets and gadgets. He hangs up the phone, begins tinkering with a doodad. Camera pans to front window covered in tinfoil, no light gets inside or out. Stanley puts down the doodad and turns up HAM radio, it blares a weak signal. He fumbles with the knobs, suddenly a voice is heard.)

VOICE: (amidst static)…can hear this, this is Vern Milton; it is October, the year is 2048. Testing, testing, signal…anyone?

STANLEY: (excitedly) Hello? Who is Vern? This is Stanley! I read ya, you betcha!

VOICE: (amidst static) Huzzah! Stanley, is it? I’m Vern and I’ve been traveling through time for years and years. What time are you, stranger?

STANLEY: Oh, wow! This is 2017, doncha know! What are ya up to, there?

VOICE: Fella, I’ve seen too much to even begin explaining. (static increases) My travels through time have made me incredibly weary. (more static now) A word of warning…(static)…global warming…(static)…polar icecaps…(static)…ocean…(static)…nuclear meltdown…

(Stanley aggressively twisting HAM radio knobs)

VOICE: (inaudible)…oil…(static) Bakken shale…(static)..stop…(static)…carbon footprint…

(the voice fades away into unending static feedback)

STANLEY: (unable to hear the voice any longer) Ah, dangit, Vern! Vern! Dangit anyway!

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT BLOATING RELIEF.

---

SCENE 9. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO ICU:

(We see Kingsley glaring at Dr. Never as he stands over an ailing Margareet)

KINGSLEY: (pensive) Well, heck, what’re ya doin’ here, doctor?

DR. NEVER: (stoic) I’m a doctor, Kingsley. I work here.

KINGSLEY: (accusingly) Ya, doncha. Well I saw ya touchin’ my wife there in a manner not real like a doctor should be touchin’ a patient, there you betcha.

DR. NEVER: (ignores Kingsley’s accusation) Your wife is very ill. She needs medical attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

(tries to leave but Kingsley stands in his way)

KINGSLEY: (stammering) Oh really now? Ya, I saw what I saw there, now, doctor, so…

DR. NEVER: (urgently) Excuse me, Kingsley, or i’ll do to you what I did to your daughter Trix after she OD’d on hand sanitizer…

KINGSLEY: (anger rising) Are ya threatenin’ me, there, you betcha??

(Dr. Never pushes his way past Kingsley, leaves)

(Kingsley huffs at the encounter with Dr. Never, rushes to Margareet. She is unconscious)

KINGSLEY: (sadly) Ah, dangit, Margie. Dangit, then, ya know. Somethin’ better not be goin’ on with the doctor there, you betcha…

(we see tears begin to form in Kingsley’s eyes, cut to Margareet opening hers)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS OVER THEME MUSIC.

---

Wow! You can cut the tension with a butter knife. This is just a taste of what this groundbreaking show will be like. Care to star in it? All you need to do is post a convincing comment or send in your resume. Be sure to list your talents, hidden talents, acting experience and whether or not you can cry on command if kicked square in the guts.

In case you’ve been living under a rock with a rock on top of it, you are unaware that we’ve been piecing together an exciting new soap opera for Fargo, based in Fargo and with Fargo-ish overtones. Do you want to be in it?

With that, a rough drafted script for the pilot episode of Fargo Family continues…

---

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 3. DR. NEVER’S OFFICE.

FADE IN:

(Margareet is shown sitting on Sanford clinic examination room bed, she is looking quite somber. Seconds go by; she pulls Ambien bottle out of her pocket, downs a small handful. She gracefully loses consciousness as bottle falls to floor)

(Dr. Never enters, studying clipboard)

DR. NEVER: …We’ve been over this, Marg, medical cannabis isn’t fully legal yet–(notices the passed out Margareet) OH FOR PETE’S SAKE (accidentally kicks ambien bottle, clamors for it) god damn it (bonks head on Margareet’s knee cap) OW, god DAMN it, Marg! (holds forehead, becoming extremely agitated) NURSE! Patient unconscious, dispatch med team stat!! (silence) NUUUURSE!! And bring an ice pack!! (rubs forehead bruise)

CUT SCENE FADE

---

SCENE 4. CONRAD.

FADE IN:

(Conrad shown in M&H convenience store in Moorhead, finishing a purchase of Powerball tickets)

CLERK: That’ll be $13.50.

CONRAD: Yeah? For what?? The privilege to suddenly bag a truckload of taxable income? Income that BIG GOVERNMENT will rip their (holds up finger air quotes) fair share (lowers air quotes) of? Trump is going to squash Big Government, you’ll see. Politicians better run and hide.

CLERK: $13.50

(Conrad pulls huge bag of pennies out of fanny pack, drops it flat on counter)

CONRAD: Here. Charge the rest to the NO-bama administration.

CLERK: Charge what? How much is here?

CONRAD: Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!

CLERK: The hell are you talkin about, bro? $13.50! These pennies? How much are here??

(Clerk begins fervently counting pennies)

(Conrad exits M&H without Powerball tickets or bag of pennies)

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT HERNIA MESH CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT.

---

SCENE 5. SKOOTER.

FADE IN

(Skooter appears in attic fumbling about with wires. He appears to be connecting an electrical circuit to a 3-prong outlet)

(Cut to Kingsley entering house from garage. He drops briefcase onto floor, keys into key dish on end table, heads to the liquor cabinet)

(Cut back to Skooter hearing someone enter the house. He recognizes sound of briefcase and keys, becomes completely silent to avoid being noticed)

(Cut back to Kingsley pouring a highball of scotch, neat. Pulls a sip.)

KINGSLEY: Aaaah, heck, dontcha.

(Kingsley pulls smartphone out of pocket, opens Facebook. We see a Facebook status from Margareet, it reads “Feeling wispy, doctor calling…better not keep him waiting!”)

KINGSLEY: Golly dangit. Marg!? Margie…? (Listens, hears nothing) (Louder now) Maaargie!

(Cut to Skooter again, he’s holding his breath, making no noise whatsoever)

(Cut back to Kingsley searching the house for Margareet. His search is futile, Margareet is not present. Kingsley pulls keys from key dish and leaves)

(Cut back to Skooter, he hears Kingsley leave, he exhales and continues wiring)

CUT SCENE FADE OUT

---

SCENE 6. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO DR. NEVER FOLLOWING MARGAREET BEING WHEELED DOWN HALLWAY ON GURNEY

NURSE: Any idea how many pills were taken?

DR. NEVER: (visibly irritated) Usually she empties what’s left of a bottle. No clue how many were there since she never sticks to my prescribed amount. 

NURSE: Here we go again…

(they continue down hallway into intensive care unit)

(cut to Kingsley pulling up to Sanford hospital parking lot, he parks slanted in handicap spot)

(cut to Kingsley approaching receptionist)

KINGSLEY: (impatiently) Ya, hello there, Paula. Dr. Never in with another patient, you betcha?

RECEPTIONIST: (recognizing a frequent visitor) OK, Kingsley, i’ll call up. (she dials number) Kingsley is here….ok…ok…yes, i’ll tell him. (hangs up phone) Go ahead.

(Kingsley swiftly approaches open elevator, slams repeatedly on button for 3rd floor)

(Cut to ICU where Dr. Never is standing over Margareet as her stomach is being pumped)

DR. NEVER: (softly) If you can hear me, Marg, you better listen. Knock it off. If you crave attention you’re going about it the wrong way…(begins caressing her cheek with latex-gloved hand)

(Kingsley barges in, sees this, they lock eyes)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK

---

Ooooh! The action is really heating up! Remember, if you want a shot at being a huge local soap star, casting calls are about to begin. Send in your resumé or leave a comment. Please list number of dependents, age of dependents and whether they’re dependent or independent.

Click here for the dramatic conclusion of our Pilot Episode!