Category Archives: News

Google To Image Inside Of All Homes

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Google Home-View coming to your place

Google Home-View coming to your place

Mountain View, CA – Google recently announced that their controversial Street-View cameras will soon be coming into your home. Ready or not, your home or apartment will have a Google Home-View camera probe and document your personal dwelling space.

This stunning announcement came from the main Googleplex campus near San Jose, California. Google spokesperson Rosemary Belch said: “Think of this as a colonoscopy of your home.”

With state-of-the-art equipment, a Google Home-View representative with a back-mounted 9-directional digital camera will enter your home unannounced.

By law, you must allow the Google representative to enter your residence. Heat-sensing lenses will show them if anyone is trying to hide inside the home. If your house or apartment is unattended, they will enter on their own, with a universal key.

Once inside, they will quickly send high-definition panoramic pictures of your entire living space up to one of many orbiting Google satellites. Some selected homes will be photographed in 3-D images.

Ms. Belch explained: “Since the Street-View cameras already have the outside of your home, now with the addition of complete Home-View images, the entire world will not only know where you live, but also how you live.”

The uses for the Home-View images will be endless, claims Google. Everyone from law enforcement to insurance companies to potential burglars will benefit from seeing a panoramic tour of your living place.

If you happen to be at home when your Home-View imaging is being done, you are asked to simply sit in your favorite chair and smile for the cameras.

FM Observer Wins Best Website Award

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FM Observer Wins Award

FM Observer Wins Award

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it has been selected to receive the prestigious Best Website Award. This amazing award came with a short note from the selection committee: “For continuously raising the bar for other websites to meet, we bestow this top award to the FM Observer. May you continue to thrive and lead by example for generations to come. Congratulations on a job well done!”

Obviously, this award came as a shock to us. On the Richter scale, this would be right up there with O.J. selling his Heisman trophy. “We’ve won some other minor awards before but never anything like this!” said a random staff member who was jumping for joy on his desk. “It’s amazing to see so many people all laughing and crying at the same time” said another.

A top team manager put it this way as she popped open a cheap bottle of champagne: “With a staff of over a hundred associates, it just goes to show what can be accomplished with a little hocus focus and a lot of elbow grease. We would mostly like to thank our readers and fans for their loyalty and also our parents for all of their unsolicited feedback.”

Our President and CEO, who wishes to remain anonymous for tax reasons, believes that since this award is the result of everyone’s contributions, from the managers and team leaders down to the translators and proof-readers, this award will be shared equally by all. Just like the Stanley Cup, the trophy will travel from home to home of everyone who helped make this possible. After it makes the rounds, it will finally come to rest in a special trophy case in the lobby area of our main corporate campus headquarters office building, right next to the coffee fountain.

United States government closing Florida border permanently

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Washington, DC – With the George Zimmerman verdict serving as the straw that broke the camel’s back, the government of our fair nation has decided to (finally) close Florida’s border off from the rest of the country. This crudely-drawn map details the government’s plans to build a big ass wall clear across the FL-GA border and southwards, west of Tallahassee to the Gulf of Mexico:

Surely against their will, Alabama will be granted the excess land. If they so desire, the new section of Alabama can secede and become a territory. Call it “New Alabama”. No one will be allowed ground entry from Florida to Georgia or New Alabama in a brazen attempt to keep the psychotic riff raff comprising the state of Florida (better known as “America’s anus”) sectioned off from civilized humanity.

In a statement, President Obama outlined his plan:

“The Secretary of the Interior is currently extracting budgeted funds to finance the construction of a “Great Wall” that will completely seal the border, letting Florida govern and fend for itself forever. We will station National Guard members at strategically-placed watchtower locations along the Great Wall for protection. It’s time to seal that baby off. In addition to keeping our fellow Americans safe, thousands of jobs will be created to assist in the construction of the Great Wall. This maneuver is good for our economy and the only way to deal with Florida at this point.”

The President went on to say that commercial air travel will continue “at your own risk” for sports teams, vacationers, family visits and things of that nature. His apparent theory is that Florida riff raff don’t have the ways & means to travel by air anyway, thereby negating the need for a ‘no fly zone’. The Coast Guard will also be on high alert for any watercraft attempting to commute from the shores of Florida to American beaches. Water commuters will be treated as pirates and shot dead on sight.

Kudos to Obama for ostracizing the creatures of Florida to protect the rest of the country.

Christopher Wiener Fargo

Man Busted In Sex Toy Case Forgot Some Supplies

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Christopher Wiener FargoFargo, ND – A Fargo man recently busted for stealing a fake vagina, has been busted again.

Christopher Wiener, 26, is back in the news this time trying to steal a camera from Scheels on 45th ST Fargo.

Last week, Christopher Weiner was caught stealing a fake vagina.  After he was let go, Mr. Weiner had time to go home and think.  It was during this thinking session, Mr Weiner realized he was missing an important electronic accessory to compliment his fake vagina.  That is, a camera that takes video.

Weiner then made his way to Scheels-All-Sports on 45th ST.  However, Weiner isn’t good at shoplifting and was subsequently caught again.  This time, trying to steal a camera with video.

Everything is coming together.  We all now know what fate that fake vagina had that night.  Mr. Wiener was planing on having quite the party apparently with that fake vagina and camera and we feel sorry for any future fake vaginas and cameras that are in  Mr. Wieners possession in the future.

Former Coach’s Nightclub Location Survives Suicide Attempt

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gbin03Moorhead, MN—The downtown location of a former hip & now, with it and wow nightclub has survived an apparent suicide attempt. The past home of Coach’s Sports Pub on 6th Street and Center Avenue in Moorhead set itself on fire early this morning.

What was once the go-to location in Moorhead for college students and partygoers has completely let itself go over the better part of the last decade. The former hotspot is known to have been battling depression as of late, and this recent suicide attempt looks like an obvious cry for help.

“Ever since Coach’s went away, the building has never been the same” says Cyndi McVickers, a former nightclub patron. “It just sits there, looking all sad and lonely, getting fat. I feel bad for it. I have to say, hearing about this suicide attempt is not surprising at all.”

Firefighters battled the suicide attempt for many hours last night, putting out fires in and around the area that used to be the kitchen.

The departure of Coach’s left a sore spot in the downtown area. It dealt a blow that 600 Center Street never fully recovered from. We wish the building well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Man High On Mushrooms Rips Off Part of Penis

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DETROIT — A 41-year-old Columbus, Ohio, man is recovering after police say he ripped off part of his penis on a drug-fueled high in Ypsilanti Township, Mich.

Washtenaw County Sheriff’s deputies found the man naked and screaming after responding to a burglar alarm at Ypsilanti Middle School about 1 a.m. last Tuesday, Sgt. Geoff Fox said Monday.

The man was kneeling outside the school, bloody from the waist down, with parts of his genitals ripped off, Fox said. He said parts of the man’s body were transferred to the hospital with him.

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Red River Valley Fair Freak Show

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Come see the Freak Show for some indelible memories

Come see the Freak Show for some indelible memories

Fargo, ND – When the Red River Valley Fair comes to town later this month, it is bringing more than just the Tilt-A-Whirl and Merry-Go-Round.

After many years of being locked in the closet due to political incorrectness, the Freak Show will triumphantly make its return.

If you’ve been having a hankering to see normal-challenged plants, animals, and homo sapiens, you’ll definitely want to pay admission to see the Freak Show, now back in its full glory.

All under one large Freak Show tent, you will be able to see a six-foot Venus Fly Trap that eats hamburgers, a two-headed sheep, the famous Bearded Lady, and the Human Pin Cushion.

You’re guaranteed to see at least thirty serious freaks at any one time. Every day at 4 o’clock there will be a Freak Parade where all the freaks (that can walk) will parade around the Midway to hopefully bring back a long line of business into the Freak Show tent.

Some of the other freaks you may see include:

  • Donkey Man
  • the Human Bowling Ball
  • the Three Sisters (that share the same body)
  • the Woman with Crocodile Skin
  • an animal that’s half dog and half monkey
  • Two-headed, one-nosed, three-eyed, double-mouth calf
  • the only living Cyclops
  • an Albino Family
  • Mr. Hotdog Fingers
  • plus a plethora of dwarfs and midgets along with 8-foot Mr. Goliath

At the bottom of every hour, the host for the Stage Show is a Three-Legged Man whose identical brother has real fish gills and sits in his water tank bedroom.

Pictures and videos are allowed in the Freak Show tent so bring your camera and smart phones. Just like some of the rides at the fair, the Freak Show will take your breath away but is safe and fun for the whole family.

suspended for wearing camo to school

West Fargo School Suspends Kid For Wearing Camouflage Shirt

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suspended for wearing camo to schoolWest Fargo, ND – Eight year old William Yelverton just wanted to go to school to learn a whole bunch of knowledge earlier Wednesday morning, however, that was not the case.  William was suspended and sent home.

William went to school like any other normal kid Wednesday morning.  Smiling and full of sugar. However, William decided to wear a camouflage shirt to school that day and the administration didn’t take too kindly to it.

William was learning his states and flags when the intercom came on calling him into the principals office.  He slowly walked down the halls and into the office wondering what the heck he did.

Turns out, Williams camouflage shirt got him into trouble.

“They saw my camouflage shirt and were instantly intimidated by me they told me.”

William thought he was being fashionable and wanted to impress the girl he had a crush on.

“They also said that it could be dangerous during recess as the other kids could possibly not see me due to me blending in with my surroundings.”

“We try and promote non-creativity here.  As the years go on we implement more rules and regulations to limit what the kids can do.  We’ve banned tag, basketball, football, well almost all sports actually.  No more coloring either.  We really try hard to teach these kids…..something…..ya know,” the principal stated.

William says he might come back next week as a Ninja.  He stated that a Ninja can blend in with his surroundings better than a camouflage shirt, thus not getting him suspended again.

 

Government Spy Birds Are Watching You

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Osprey1PX1Osprey, FL – New information is being leaked by the Governmental Leak Information Bureau (G.L.I.B.) about federally trained birds that are now being used for domestic surveillance. Ospreys (click on picture) and other large birds are helping Big Brother spy on you.

Gordon Meinkampf heads up the Center for Bird-Held Cameras (C.B.C.). He and his well-paid staff have been training and testing many types of large birds to see which work the best for the purposes of domestic surveillance, spying, and even some predatory attacks.

Mr. Meinkampf says: “I am not allowed to answer any of your questions as to what we secretly do here at the CBC, other than to say that anytime you see an: osprey, eagle, raven, pelican, cormorant, vulture, condor, or red-tailed hawk, chances are pretty darn good that it’s probably one of ours. You might as well smile for the high-definition digital mini-cam with super-zoom lens that’s attached to that nice friendly bird.”

Anyone caught tampering with a bird and/or its camera will be easily identified and brought to justice under the full extent of the law. “Try to act normally and be yourself.” says Gordon. “Just because we’re always able to watch you, doesn’t mean you have to worry that something bad is going to happen…like an IRS audit, for instance.”