Category Archives: Sports

Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Denies That He Denied Being Gay

A denial of a denial is a confirmation that Aaron Rodgers is gay.

Green Gay, Wisconsin – Shortly after quarterback Aaron Rodgers recently denied being gay, he came out and denied that he made the original denial. The starr quarterback for the Green Bay Packers is essentially denying that he denied being gay.

To help analyze this mind twister, the FM Observer has asked Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D. to make sense of all this for us.

FM Observer: Dr. Farrell, what is going on here?

Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D.: Well, this is indeed a mind twister. A denial of a denial is getting into advanced psycho-analytics very quickly and deeply. Because I am a professional, I would say this is either a healthy thing for Aaron Rodgers, or it could be quite toxic. To first deny being gay, and then to deny the initial denial, could be a positive confirmation of Mr. Rodgers’ gayness. It could also be the result of multiple concussions leaving his brain in a permanent state of confusion. Unfortunately, it could also be a sign that lies upon lies are beginning to pile up. Aristotle once said: “The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousand fold.” Aaron Rodgers tried to prove he was not gay by stating that he is happily married. But this argument fell apart when it was discovered that his spouse’s first name is Bruce. Whether he is or is not gay is not the main issue here. What could become a serious problem is going down that dangerous path of denying a denial of a denial. If it never stops, it can be like walking into a house of mirrors, without wearing a helmet.

LEAKED: New University of North Dakota Team Logo/Nickname

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University of North Dakota Fighting Sperm Whales

Grand Forks, ND—Sources have confirmed the existence of a newly revamped UND sports team jersey! This photo, leaked by an insider at the University of North Dakota, shows a rough depiction of a team hockey jersey embroidered with the word SPERM and what appears to be a giant sperm whale.

Team executives have been working in conjunction with the NCAA to implement a new, contemporary, non-offensive nickname for the University. It looks like they’ve hit a home run here.

While this leaves virtually nothing to the imagination, we still have to speculate whether or not the next UND team nickname will be the Fighting Sperm Whales. All things considered, the whale species pictured is definitely a sperm whale, and the lettering above the whale is absolutely S-P-E-R-M.

This being said, sports team broadcast announcers are said to be working feverishly on new in-game catch phrases:

“Sperm slam it home!”

“That’s a whale of sperm!”

“Spermtastic!”

“Sperm gonna getcha!”

“When a man and a woman love each other very much…”

“Sperm found the egg! It’s all over!”

Locals are excited to finally have a nickname for their beloved team.

UND hockey fan Sandra Crabapple:

“Sperm whales? Cool! That’s not offensive or gross at all.”

UND football fan Terry Noisewater:

“I can’t wait to yell about sperm during games!”

While there is no timetable for the return of a team nickname and logo, this new evidence suggests we will be screaming the name of the mighty sperm whale sooner rather than later.

Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo

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Boppers, the boxing kangaroo, is coming to Fargo and looking for some worthy challengers.

Fargo, ND – The Australian champion kangaroo boxer is coming to Fargo. Boppers is his name and boxing is his game.

Kangaroo boxing is one of the most popular sports down under in Australia. The sport is quickly gaining popularity in the United States.

When his trainers and handlers asked Boppers where he wanted to go in the United States, Boppers indicated on the map that Fargo was his choice.

Boppers will take on any challengers in the form of one adult male, or a pair of adult females, or any three teenagers, or any four children under the age of twelve.

Boppers will fight any challengers in either traditional boxing or full contact fighting. If you are considering the full contact event, please remember that Boppers has one very large tail and two very large feet.

This unique event is currently being planned to be held at The Hub in Fargo but may be moved to a larger venue such as the Civic Center or Fargodome if needed.

If you are interested in fighting Boppers, please contact the FM Observer or The Hub and indicate what type of team and level of fighting experience you would bring to the challenge.

Other important information about Boppers to carefully consider before a challenge: Boppers is twice as fast as Muhammad Ali and thrice as powerful as Mike Tyson. Boppers is constantly watching videos of classic boxing matches on large flat-screen TVs throughout his training center. Boppers is very proud of his record: 1,230 wins and zero losses.

How To Become A NASCAR Fan In 3 Days.

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Below I am going to give you some tips on how to become a NASCAR fan in only three days. If you follow them to a T you are well on your way to becoming one the greatest NASCAR fans of all-time.

1. Go here. Put your mouse over the scroller to the right and hold your mouse button down so you can scroll up and down. Close your eyes. Scroll up and down more than five times and then point and hold your finger on the screen. Open your eyes. Bingo! You just picked your driver to root for.

2. Buy all his memorabilia. Little model cars, stickers, hats, t-shirts. Try and wear them everyday. Put a bunch of stickers of the driver all over your car. Your goal here is to convince everyone that you are a hardcore fan and have been for quite sometime.

3. Visit Walmart and get some overalls and some flannel shirts. Wear them as much as possible.

4. Spend your entire paycheck on a nascar ticket as well as a plane ticket.

5. Switch your choice of beer to Miller Lite or any domestic beer for the matter. Or, if your driver is sponsored by a beer company, you better damn well drink that beer and that beer only.

6. Set all radio stations to country music.

7. Sell your soul.

There you go. You should be able to follow the easy tips above to become a true NASCAR fan in only three days.

Christain Ponder To Play Kicker

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Minneapolis, MN – Exciting and unusual news coming out of the Minnesota Vikings camp this morning. The word on the street is that Christian Ponder will give up his quarterback position to play Kicker.

Leslie Frazier confirmed the news just this morning.

“We feel Christian Ponder is a great quarterback but an even greater kicker. That is why, as of this morning, Christian Ponder will be our full-time kicker,” Frazier stated.

I asked how this position and Ponder came about in which he replied, “After seeing him kick the ball around out of frustration during training camp, I knew he’d make a great kicker.”

Joe Webb from quarterback to wide receiver. Christian Ponder from quarterback to kicker. The Vikings sure have a unique drafting strategy.

Oh yea, did anyone tell Leslie Frazier his new helmets don’t match the rest of the uniform? Who’s smoking what in Minneapolis?

At least Mr. Ponder will have a better chance of scoring as a kicker then as a quarterback.

Christian Ponder Was The 12th Overall Pick In The 2011 Draft

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A little over two years ago, the Purple saw what they thought was a precious jewel. An opportunity to fill a need. After many MONTHS of scouting that included team workouts, the NFL Combine, player interviews, relentless film study, research and preparation—amidst eligible QB draftees such as Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick—the Vikings selected Christian Ponder as the 12th overall pick in the 2011 NFL draft.