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North Dakota to propose changing state name to FUN DAKOTA

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Fun Dakota

Fun Dakota

Fargo, ND – Here we go again. It’s the time of the year in which our great state fights the never-ending battle with boredom and exclusion. The time of year when a sheer blanket of cold will envelop our region, warding off even those brave Manitobans who dared venture southward.

It is time for the North Dakota tourism board to either get inventive or shut it all down until spring. That is why they have decided to initiate state legislature to implement a permanent name change that will once and for all upgrade the state’s name from North Dakota to Fun Dakota!

The tourism board stated that this bill, if it passes, will completely change the North Dakotan landscape for the better. Fun Dakota will become a haven for exciting wintertime tourist activity, such as:

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  • King of the Hill tournaments
  • Ice mound spelunking
  • Drinking whiskey until you’re numb
  • Windshield ice-scraping competitions
  • Going to McDonald’s

The state house of representatives needs a positive vote ratio of 2/3 in order to pass this type of change into law, which the tourism board expects will happen easily.

Welcome to FUN Dakota, where the weather is cold and the girls are hot! Enjoy your stay!

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Hundreds of Cars Said, “FUCK THIS SHIT” This Morning Leaving People With No Transportation

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Fargo, ND – If Mondays were not bad enough, throw in some cold air and wind and you just stepped into the worst place on earth: Fargo.

Forecasts last week that ranged from ‘God damn it’s cold’ to ‘Why the fuck do I live here’ continued on into this week.  We had the pleasure of enjoying a negative temperature of -15 today.  Let’s take a look at the coming days to see if it will be getting……….nope.  Still going to be cold as fuck.

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Even the automobiles of the Fargo-Moorhead area have had enough.  Hundreds of automobiles said “FUCK THIS SHIT” this morning as their owners tried to start their car leaving many wondering why they were out of bed or why they even lived here.

Service and tow companies have seen their business nearly double over the past week.

“I was driving down 13th Ave S when I heard my car blurt out, ‘fuck this shit.’  It then just stopped working.  I had to call a tow driver.”

“I went out to my car at 6:30 ready for work.  Put the key in, tried to start it, and I heard a ‘fuck this shit.’  It still doesn’t start.  I don’t know how I’m getting to work tomorrow.”

Jason said he didn’t even get within 10 feet of his car when it blurted out, “Too cold!  Go back to fucking bed!”

We could give you some advice such as letting your car warm up but let’s just be honest here.  If the temperature is below zero when you wake up, go back to fucking bed and leave your car alone.

 

Storm Gandolf Fargo North Dakota

Bill Burns Defends Fargo From Storm Gandolf. His Story.

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Storm Gandolf Fargo North DakotaFargo, ND – Storm Gandolf, according to the media, was supposed to be a storm apocalypse.  Those two words “storm apocalypse’ are what sprung me into action.  I wasn’t going to sit by and watch my fellow Fargoans being forced to blow storm gandolf.  That is why on the evening of 01/11/2013, I grabbed a parka and a crowbar and headed out the door to do battle.

Sooner than later there I was, sitting in the middle of a field waiting for Gandolf to show itself.  I was five hours in now.  Stomach was starting to make noises and my mouth dry, wanting nothing more then a sip of something hot or cold.  Since I only had a parka and crowbar I had to improvise.  To quench my thirst, I dug a small hole, filled it with snow, then dipped my huge big and hot balls into the snow thereby melting it and making a very nice cup of low-sodium hot water.  Looking back at it now, if it wasn’t for that ball water, I don’t think I’d still be here.

Hot water in my stomach and feeling good, the wind started to whisper at me.  “Gandolf!  Is that you?” I shouted in such a manly voice, I believe a woman living on a distant farm became pregnant at that very moment.  “Show yourself!” I screamed.

At that moment a snow wave burst up from the field and made it’s way straight for me, yelling nasty, violent, and obscene obscenities at me.  I remember them well and they haunt me to this day.  This ‘snow wave’ was a penis.  It was a very large, cold, and mean penis made out of snow.

Right as this large penis was about to attack, I shoved my crowbar right into the beasts opening.  The penis tip if you will.  At that very moment, the storm burst into millions of tiny white snowflakes which started to lightly rain down on me.

I knew it was a success.  I saved the people of the Farg0-Moorhead area from Storm Gandolf.

So there you have it.  You now know the real reason Storm Gandolf was non-existent for the fargo-moorhead residents.

 

The Northern Fargo North Dakota

Man Proposes To Girlfriend at The Northern. Proceed To Eat Dinner By Ordering Some Fried Chicken.

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The Northern Fargo North DakotaFargo, ND – The magic of love and commitment can be had anywhere.  That anywhere happened to be the Northern Gentlemen’s club located in Fargo, North Dakota this past Thursday.

Amongst the smell of fish, piss, perfume, and sweat, love is in the air.  Disco Dan, as he’s known on the street, finally manned up and proposed to his dancer girlfriend of 2 long weeks.  Disco Dan didn’t plan it.  In fact it was a spur of moment idea.

Dan was on a date with his girlfriend at the Northern, enjoying a few beers.  In fact his girlfriend is a frequent and regular dancer here.  After seeing his girlfriend slide up and down the grease pole, shaking her booty, he started to get an idea.  But it was only after seeing a five dollar bill sticking inbetween her asshole and a thin piece of string called a thong that the idea of marriage seemed like a good idea.

Dan then got up from his sticky bar seat, reached into his coat pocket, and pulled out a ring he had been carrying with him since he won it at the local Walmart vending machine.  He took the ring out of its protective plastic bubble, put it on his girlfriends hand while she was motor boating a local patron and asked the magic words, “Will you marry me?”

After putting her ass cheeks into the face of the man giving her money, she said, “YES!”

When Dan’s future wife was done dancing, the two proceeded to celebrate their new engagement by ordering fried chicken for dinner.  A wedding date has yet to be scheduled.

 

List: Top 10 Things to Do In Fargo During Winter

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Downtown Fargo In The Winter

*sigh*

Fargo, ND – Guess what? Acutally, don’t bother guessing. We all know because we all dread it. That’s right–winter’s here! You can literally feel your guts seize up each time you step outside. Temps across the region have dropped faster and farther than a Walmart rollback. Always the low temp. Always.

That being said, the Observer has compiled a short to-do list for the coming months in an effort to help everyone cope. Here are some fun winter activities to get you through the season:

 

 

  1. GO TO MCDONALD’S- There are 8, count ’em, 8 McDonald’s restaurants in the F-M area. This strikes me as an unnecessarily high McD’s-per-capita ratio. Compare that with only two Noodles & Co., and ZERO Tokyo Joe’s. To get a better feel for how overpopulated McDonald’s restaurants are, try this: go outside right now, turn in the direction of the nearest McDonald’s and throw a rock as hard as you can. I bet you’ll hit it.
  2. DRIVE ON THE ICE- The Earth literally turns into an ice rink here in the winter. Once the snow falls, it gets compacted into a sheet of frozen tundra that has zero chance of melting until maybe April. This makes for some exciting adventures out on the streets! Bumper cars, doing donuts in any open parking lot or getting hammered and ruining some lives all become viable options when out and about in your vehicle.
  3. NOTHING- Chances are you’re afraid of the creeping death waiting for you right outside your front door. The odds of catching pneumonia and/or frostbite after leaving the house are a solid 2 to 1 (in layman’s terms, pretty much a sure thing). So what does that leave you with? Literally nothing. Survive off of what you have indoors–just don’t bother leaving the house for fear of dying due to the wind chill factor being stuck at -50 degrees Fahrenheit all hours of the day. But, if you’re feeling brave, continue to #4 on our list…
  4. TEMPT FATE- Think you’ve got what it takes to stay alive? Go outside then. I dare you. Put Old Man Winter’s abilities to the test. But before you do, pray to the good Lord in the sky that you don’t slip on the frozen tundra, fall and break your hip because if you don’t have someone there within 5 minutes to help you into your car/house, you’re a goner. Nice knowing you.
  5. BLOG ABOUT WINTER- You have a couch? Internet access? Great! Then you can tell the internet how much you despise winter. Visit twitter.com, facebook.com, tumblr.com or the comment section of this article and jam away on that keyboard. Let your fingers go numb from an activity other than contracting frostbite. Vent your frustrations to anyone and everyone willing to hear them because dammit, you have a voice!
  6. HAVE SEX- I honestly cannot think of a better way to keep warm than rubbing your body against someone else’s. Get out there right away and find a sex partner before it gets too cold out. Trust me on this. I don’t care whether you go bareback or not–that’s your call. Anyway, here’s why: a furious makeout sesh will create friction. Friction creates heat. Heat is absolutely vital to staying alive during the winter season. It makes perfect sense! I would make a run at having intercourse at least twice per hour during winter. Just saying.
  7. EXERCISE- Did you plan on hibernating this winter? Don’t! That raises the likelihood of freezing to death. Statistics say the more active you are, the warmer you will be. I would say join a local fitness center, but that would require leaving the house. Not smart. Instead, find an in-home workout routine that’s right for you. Stretch the limits of your body. Do it for your own personal wellness, but more importantly, to survive.
  8. VIDEO GAMES- Ever heard of a little game called Grand Theft Auto? I bet you have. It’s a brilliantly engineered Playstation/Xbox game that puts you in the shoes of a deranged criminal. You can steal cars and gun down pretty much anybody you see walking the streets, not to mention all the other felonies you get to perpetrate. Wrap yourself in 80 blankets, shut off the cell phone and whittle the hours away terrorizing the mean streets of “Los Santos”. Buy GTA V if you don’t have it. The game is so addicting, you’ll be old and decrepit by the time you’re sick of it.Trevor-GTAV-BurningCar
  9. METH- Maybe you’re one of those self-destructive types who loves to gamble on your life? If Breaking Bad has taught us anything, it’s that meth is badass. You can add meth to your daily routine and accomplish nearly double the amount of tasks you used to (since sleep has now become an afterthought). Be warned, however–meth use comes with some very life-altering and dangerous side-effects. Schizophrenia being one of the funnest!
  10. SNOWMOBILE- A winter activity that is performed outside and is enjoyable?? Sign me up! Oh, wait…it’s 4,000 degrees below zero. Nevermind. But you can go right ahead! It’s like taking a jet ski on land. Dashing through the snow on a motorized sled might not be a bad time as long as you can fit 27 layers of clothing on and still manage to grip the handle bars. Best of luck with that.

Well, there you have it. I’ve given you plenty to work with this year. The list is yours–please use it. Have as much fun as you can before the river floods next spring!

Topless PETA mermaids protest fish murder

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Fargo, ND – This afternoon in downtown Fargo, two fearless PETA ladies dressed up as mermaids in the name of fish preservation. The Observer is glad to know that the dead geographical center of the North American continent is getting a stern warning against the consumption of seafood. Do the PETA babes not realize how far away we are from the sea? We couldn’t be any farther from the goddamn ocean, yet there they sat on the corner of 2nd and Broadway defending seafood.

Wait…don’t I sound like an idiot, bitching about topless women? Forget I said anything. It is highly likely i’m just bitter that neither of the women would let me hold their sign NOR would they autograph my favorite lobster bib.

Hobo President Frank Donovan Kicks Off Re-election Campaign

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2241806636_0f670a2c80_bFargo, ND – The Commander-In-Chief of Fargo’s underground homeless community is making a strong push for re-election this November. Frank Donovan, or “Hobo Frank” as he is more affectionately known, is getting an early start on campaigning.

Frank’s primary campaign strategy includes scrawling a crudely-drawn picture of his face on balled-up pieces of paper he finds in streetside trash bins and pasting them to light poles using the remnants of an Elmer’s glue bottle he found in an art school dumpster. That, in addition to creeping up on passed-out alley drunks and stuffing re-purposed business flyers with the words “vote 4 Frank” scribbled all over the front and back into their gaping mouths.

What some of you may not know is that each American city’s hobo community contains a chosen homeless “mayor” if you will, who acts as a social liason between area homeless and functioning society. The hobo President earns his spot via a general election in which a designated trash receptacle acts as a ballot box that participating homeless voters must throw a piece of garbage into containing their:

  • REMEMBERED NAME (if you do not remember your actual name, you may put in your hobo nickname)
  • CHOSEN CANDIDATE (who you are voting for as hobo president)

The candidate with the most discernible hunks of trash with his name on it at the end of the election day (which ends the morning after, right before trash pick-up) wins the spot of President/Mayor. The actual functioning title of this prestigious honor is a mystery, as no one in functioning society has ever asked a homeless mayor his title. I don’t think the homeless know what it is either– purely speculation at this point.

It’s amazing, really, what goes on behind the scenes in the homeless community. Not many people are familiar with the hobo underground as their day-to-day activities are largely ignored by most. I know i’m guilty of this. Anyway, the Observer would like to wish Hobo Frank best of luck in the upcoming President/Mayor/Whatever the Hell It’s Called election. Vote 4 Frank!

ANCHORMAN-Style Brawl Erupts in Motel 6 Parking Lot

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Fargo, ND – Taking inspiration from the 3 wise men (Jim, Jack, Jose) and the movie Anchorman (in which news teams do battle with weapons in a back-alley), a handful of drunks at the Motel 6 in Fargo went at it last night in the establishment’s parking lot. These maniacs each sported weapons-of-choice: construction tools and even one was said to have wielded a long gun. The lunatics waged war on each other like fucking Braveheart for a number of minutes until police arrived to break up the melee. Charges have yet to be filed and a number of the men were brought by ambulance to Essentia hospital with injuries.

No word yet on whether or not Paul Ryan’s lie-packed Republican National Convention speech had anything to do with the argument between the men. This reporter would like to blame the guys’ brawl and every other world issue on Honey Boo Boo, but the timing of Ryan’s speech and this story is too perfect to ignore.

Hole In Ground Available For Rent In Fargo

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Fargo, ND – A property management company has decided to get innovative and cutting edge with their leasing options. An apartment complex on 9th Avenue Circle in Fargo has completely filled vacancy inside the actual building, and with business booming, decided that it would be stupid to deny eager residents the option to rent at their fantastic homes. So, they did what any savvy company would: they tore a hole in the ground and stuck a sign next to it. “For Rent” the sign reads, and at a steal of a deal: this sod-walled studio apartment is available for only $599/month! Comes equipped with big long orange extension cord for unlimited electricity, curbside garbage pickup, flimsy orange caution fence for privacy, and pets are required as many disgusting wild animals already inhabit this tiny dent in the earth. Call now before it’s gone!

Tomato Plant Bombs Causing Fear of Terrorist Activity

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Fargo, ND – The recent string of tomato plant bombs in the downtown Fargo area has certain business patrons and residents on high alert. These tomato plant buckets have been popping up in random locations on sidewalks throughout downtown, much to the dismay of your typical god-fearing terrorist-hating American. What is the purpose of the tomato bucket, you ask? Well it’s just a free-for-all plant care initiative that you or I can participate in. You water the tomato plant if it looks dry & pluck a tomato off the vine to keep as a reward for your efforts. Simple. But, alas, fearmongers are having a difficult time accepting & understanding the unknown. Downtown resident Kenneth Noisewater shared his ridiculous concerns with the Observer:

“These plant bombs only LOOK harmless on the outside. Anybody could put an actual bomb inside the soil. This is NOT acceptable. Surely a deadly terrorist tool disguised as a friendly gimmick by a member of an elite group of war bandits.”

Mr. Noisewater went on to remind the Observer that you “don’t just leave baggage unattended at an airport” and that the same principal applies to the tomato plants. I tried to bring Mr. Noisewater closer to one of the plants to help alleviate his concern, but he backpedaled and accused me of being a “cold-blooded terrorist”. Sigh. Oh well….let’s not let one fearmonger ruin a perfectly good summer idea.