Tag Archives: android

Researchers Uncover Guaranteed Method to Extend Smartphone Battery Life

"Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?"

“Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?”

Palo Alto, CA – Stanford University researchers have been conducting top-secret experiments in an effort to dramatically increase day-to-day smartphone battery longevity.

Scientific trials have been performed on lithium-ion batteries and how they precisely integrate with microcomputer hardware, varying from average usage as well as hipster “data junkie” interaction.

Scientists placed gleeful volunteer participants in a locked room with various models of smartphone for specified periods of time. They tested different operating systems (Android, iOS, Windows) in different climates (hot & humid/frigid/room temperature) using varied test subjects (hipsters, teenage girls, the elderly) with both regular-sized batteries and extended-life batteries.

These variables all served the experiment well, but there was one determining factor that made the biggest impact.

The institution’s findings will blow you away. Researchers concluded that the only true method to increase day-to-day longevity of your device is to—get this—use it less. Stanford University Science and Technology researcher Robert Jacobs explains:

“You can attach a charging case to the device or slap a beefed-up battery in your Android or Windows phone hardware if you want to, but both methods are still at risk for technological failure. A sudden glitch in the coding or equipment malfunction, for example. The only 100% guaranteed method of extending battery life is to put the device down and have a serious conversation with a person next to you. Don’t use it as much. Connect on an interpersonal level, not a digital one.”

As if! As if we need a renowned scientific institution to tell us to put our phones down and live our lives! We’re perfectly content with our internet addiction. We are NOT hyperconnected data junkies.

Instagram Sucks and So Do You

Instagram Sucks and So Do You

Instagram Sucks and So Do YouWhat is Instagram you ask?  It is an Apple and Android application where over 15 million sheep users like to masturbate with each other over vintage pictures they take.  Instagram gives these hipsters users access to many different types of photo filters so any idiot can now look artsy.  What many of these filters actually do is degrade the picture to look like it’s from the 1950’s, 1960’s, or 1970’s.  You get the picture.  Essentially what these morons people are doing is continually slapping the shit out of and continually taking big large dirty dumps on the hundreds of engineers that dedicated their lives to improving this technology.


We have gone from this..


to this..



A god damn cellular phone that takes pictures!  A phone that takes professional quality pictures!


Instagram Hippster Trash Fuck YouNow check out this picture to the left.  Can you guess what camera this was taken from?   You guessed the old one?  NOPE!  It was taken from the small PHONE that takes PICTURES in the YEAR 2012!!  It’s amazing……..ly stupid of you to take a magnificent piece of technology, take a good quality picture with it, and then essentially destroy it and make it look like shit for the sake of being a shitty hipster.  You fail at life and you fail at taking pictures.

So just stop it.  How about you just use your phone for calling people and disable your camera.  You are not artsy.  You are not deep.  You look like someone with severe brain damage confused about what sock to put on which foot.  If you like old pictures so much how about you actually become useful and build a TIME MACHINE.  Then you can go back in time and use those shitty cameras to take your shitty pictures with.