Tag Archives: apple

Apple’s Smart Christmas iTree Is The Best New Thing For The Holidays Since Eggnog

Apple’s new iTree will change Christmas forever.

Apple Valley, CA – It was just a matter of time until Apple introduced their new Christmas iTree.

Now, for your Christmas enjoyment, you can have a smart Christmas tree which, of course, comes with a Siri.

This new hyper-functional iTree will change Christmas as much as eggnog did when it was first poured.

Tell Siri to change the look of your iTree randomly or at set times.

You can ask your new Christmas iTree how many presents are under the tree, provide the current total number of gifts for each person, what’s in each present, how much a present cost and where it was purchased, what is the meaning of Christmas, how many years ago was Jesus born, and what is the current value of Apple stock.

The new Apple iTree will also change the look of its lights, its size and shape, and even rotate to enhance your Christmas pleasure all while playing any Christmas music that you want.

Gather the whole family on the couch and have your new iTree take a picture or video of your Christmas happenings, and then ask Siri to contact relatives to FaceTime with others using their iTree!

There is really no limit to what your new Apple smart Christmas iTree can do except it cannot purchase itself…you will have to do that.

Fargo Woman Named ‘Siri’ Gets Asked A Lot Of Questions

Fargo resident Siri Kittlaus is a veritable magnet for questions throughout her day.

Fargo, ND – Siri Kittlaus, who’s been living in Fargo ever since she graduated from Concordia College, gets asked a lot of questions during a normal day.

Siri, who originally grew up in Sweden, explained to us that as soon as someone finds out her name, they usually ask her at least one question.

FMO: What are some of the most common questions that you’re asked?

Siri: Oh, it’s usually something like what’s the current weather in Denver, or how many grams in a cup of flour, and I can usually tell them the answers.

FMO: What are some frequent questions for which you don’t have the answers?

Siri: Oh, those would probably include 1. What is zero divided by zero? and 2. When will the world end?

FMO: How do you respond when someone asks if you have any good riddles or jokes?

Siri: Well, for those, I always carry around with me a small book of a thousand riddles and another with a thousand jokes.

FMO: Do you have any pets, and what’s your favorite color?

Siri: OK, I am now done answering your questions!

Many Apple Pickers Who Choose To Make Apple Wine End Up Getting Quite Drunk

A glass of apple wine each day helps keep the blues away.

West Fargo, ND – It’s that special time of year once again when apple pickers in the region start thinking about fermentation.

Dr. Zymurgy explains that by using the magic of fermentation, a little bit of yeast and sugar can transform friendly apple juice into powerful apple wine.

Ms. Feleppa Westin is executive apple of the Apple Wine Fest which she describes as one big drunkfest that celebrates the fermented juice from the original apple of sin.

“If you start your home fermentation process in mid-October, by Thanksgiving you will have some kick-ass apple wine for which to give thanks,” says Ms. Westin. “And by Christmas, you’ll be ready to do some serious caroling throughout your neighborhood!” she adds.

Ironically, all the letters in Feleppa Westin can be re-fermented to spell: Apple Wine Fest!

Apple iDine Designs Leaked

appleCupertino, CA — As excitement builds for the release of the iPhone 6, Apple software designer John Feltzbar accidentally released plans for the iDine collection scheduled to go on sale next summer.

iDine will consist of three revolutionary new products that will surely change the way the world eats in coming years: the iPlate, iCup and iChair. No longer will iDine users rely on their own discretion before over-eating or drinking. The technology monitors the temperature and exact amount of food and drink consumed by the user, and can even identify what the user is eating.

Apple secretly began testing in March, 2013, but those lucky enough to test the new products were so impressed that they couldn’t keep their mouths shut.

“It was amazing,” guinea pig Marc Ulrik said. “I sat in the chair and it told me exactly how much I weighed — I mean, who thinks of this stuff. Then, after devouring a plate of meatballs, the iPlate told me that I just ate too much meatballs and my blood pressure was probably going to rise. This is life saving stuff, man.”

While the iDine is meant to help Americans track their eating habits and realize how insanely much they over-eat, Apple’s testing sessions showed that users actually ate and drank more when using iDine.

“It was like playing Angry Birds when it first came out,” lab rat Lindsey Hiltin said. “Once I started eating off the iPlate and drinking out of the iCup I just couldn’t stop, it was addicting.”

The only useful information Apple gained from testing was from a 6-year-old boy who said “iCup” really means “I see you pee.” Even after becoming aware of this phenomenon Apple kept the name anyway, with the confidence that no one would catch on.

Following the release of the iCup designs, Coors Brewing Company filed a lawsuit over stolen intellectual property. Coors claims Apple stole the idea to have a cup that shows the temperature of the liquid inside.

“What do you think it means when the mountains turn blue on a Coors can?” Coors Spokesmen Carl Beamer asked. “It means that your beer is either cold or super cold. If that’s not telling the temperature then I don’t know what is.”

Apple retorted by saying “cold” and “super cold” aren’t actual temperatures, but refused to comment further.

While rumors fly back-and-forth after the release of the designs, it seems the only voice not heard recently is that of information leaker himself. Feltzbar has not been seen or heard from since releasing the information. Apple only had this to say:

“Apple employee John Feltzbar has been relocated to the Apple farm.”

Researchers Uncover Guaranteed Method to Extend Smartphone Battery Life

"Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?"

“Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?”

Palo Alto, CA – Stanford University researchers have been conducting top-secret experiments in an effort to dramatically increase day-to-day smartphone battery longevity.

Scientific trials have been performed on lithium-ion batteries and how they precisely integrate with microcomputer hardware, varying from average usage as well as hipster “data junkie” interaction.

Scientists placed gleeful volunteer participants in a locked room with various models of smartphone for specified periods of time. They tested different operating systems (Android, iOS, Windows) in different climates (hot & humid/frigid/room temperature) using varied test subjects (hipsters, teenage girls, the elderly) with both regular-sized batteries and extended-life batteries.

These variables all served the experiment well, but there was one determining factor that made the biggest impact.

The institution’s findings will blow you away. Researchers concluded that the only true method to increase day-to-day longevity of your device is to—get this—use it less. Stanford University Science and Technology researcher Robert Jacobs explains:

“You can attach a charging case to the device or slap a beefed-up battery in your Android or Windows phone hardware if you want to, but both methods are still at risk for technological failure. A sudden glitch in the coding or equipment malfunction, for example. The only 100% guaranteed method of extending battery life is to put the device down and have a serious conversation with a person next to you. Don’t use it as much. Connect on an interpersonal level, not a digital one.”

As if! As if we need a renowned scientific institution to tell us to put our phones down and live our lives! We’re perfectly content with our internet addiction. We are NOT hyperconnected data junkies.

Android Gets Instagram. Apple Fans’ Buttholes Hurt.

Fargo, ND – The ever so popular Instagram iPhone application popular among dirty hipsters and dumb fucks in general, was released for Android a couple days ago.  In case you didn’t know how much I love Instagram, you can read my rant Instragram Sucks and So Do You.  Following the release, butthurt Apple fans took to Twitter and Facebook to vent their hate and disgust.  As if you didn’t need anymore reasons to hate these prime candidates for natural dissection, continue below.



Somebody needs to tell this fanboy that Steve Jobs didn't create the Instagram app.


While working on putting this article together, I learned that there is an actually hashtag on twitter named #teamiphone.  Seriously, what is wrong with these people?  After browsing twitter with this hashtag I am no longer annoyed by apple fanboys but now absolutely despise them and wouldn’t think twice about dropping a bomb on these corporate masterbaters.  So now with the release of instagram on android, we can look forward to more ephemeromorphs taking shitty pictures.  Great day for humanity.  Great day indeed.

Lemmings Forming Lines As iPad 3 Is Released.

“Something squishy is in my pants”

Fargo, ND – Every few months there is a big product release where people are willing to wait in line for hours upon hours in order to get the chance to buy some shit they don’t need.  Today it’s the iPad 3.  In the early morning hours, lemmings have started forming lines outside the Best Buy in Fargo, ND.  The line has extended out into the street which has caused a few problems.  These brain dead humans are getting run over and hit buy cars and it doesn’t even seem to phase them nor do they care.  They just keep coming.  Local apple fucktwat had this to say, “I wanted this so bad I told my boss to go fuck himself so I could come here and wait in line.  I won’t have a job after today but at least I’ll have my new iPad 3!”  We completely understand.  Another person in line had this to say, “I have literally crapped my pants and don’t even care!  I can’t wait to get my new iPad!”

We wish these lemmings the best.  After the dust settles and things are back to normal, we will be back and reporting on it again when Apple releases the iPad 4 in a couple months.

Instagram Sucks and So Do You

Instagram Sucks and So Do You

Instagram Sucks and So Do YouWhat is Instagram you ask?  It is an Apple and Android application where over 15 million sheep users like to masturbate with each other over vintage pictures they take.  Instagram gives these hipsters users access to many different types of photo filters so any idiot can now look artsy.  What many of these filters actually do is degrade the picture to look like it’s from the 1950’s, 1960’s, or 1970’s.  You get the picture.  Essentially what these morons people are doing is continually slapping the shit out of and continually taking big large dirty dumps on the hundreds of engineers that dedicated their lives to improving this technology.


We have gone from this..


to this..



A god damn cellular phone that takes pictures!  A phone that takes professional quality pictures!


Instagram Hippster Trash Fuck YouNow check out this picture to the left.  Can you guess what camera this was taken from?   You guessed the old one?  NOPE!  It was taken from the small PHONE that takes PICTURES in the YEAR 2012!!  It’s amazing……..ly stupid of you to take a magnificent piece of technology, take a good quality picture with it, and then essentially destroy it and make it look like shit for the sake of being a shitty hipster.  You fail at life and you fail at taking pictures.

So just stop it.  How about you just use your phone for calling people and disable your camera.  You are not artsy.  You are not deep.  You look like someone with severe brain damage confused about what sock to put on which foot.  If you like old pictures so much how about you actually become useful and build a TIME MACHINE.  Then you can go back in time and use those shitty cameras to take your shitty pictures with.