Tag Archives: downtown fargo

Volunteers Needed As Fargo Seeks To Break Beer Drinking Record

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Volunteer to drink some beer!

Fargo, ND – Worthy volunteers are being sought as Fargo gears up to break the world record for the most amount of binge beer drinking performed during a 48-hour weekend.

The record Fargo seeks to break is “average per capita beer drunk by a group of 250 beer drinkers during 48 hours from 6PM on Friday to 6PM on Sunday”.

Madison, Wisconsin currently holds this world record. Last year, their group of 250 beer drinkers each drank an average of 49 pints of beer.

If you think you have what it takes to help Fargo break the record, and would like to volunteer to be a member of this elite recording-breaking drinking group, please sign up at any of the downtown Fargo bars.

BitchFest 3000 Coming To Fargo

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Think of BitchFest 3000 as a large Airing of Grievances

Think of BitchFest 3000 as a big Airing of Grievances

Fargo, ND – A new way of keeping the long-term peace is coming to Fargo.

BitchFest 3000 is way of helping people express their anger without destruction of property.

BitchFest 3000 has been proven (in lab rat testing) to reduce the general frustration level of a population by 47.8%.

If you are really pissed off by: The Diversion, Road Rage, Big Government, Bullying, Grandparents, Political Correctness, Zebra Mussels, or even your own family, please plan on attending Fargo’s BitchFest 3000.

People who pass a thorough background check can even host their own private BitchFest 3000 events.

Tiffy Barker says: “I love BitchFest 3000…and you will too!”

Bit©hFest 3000 is a registered trademarked ©opyrighted name of Bit©hFest 3000 ©orporation.

Large Comet To Hit Downtown Fargo Next Year

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Comet X-51 heading toward downtown Fargo but may hit Dilworth if there’s a strong West wind.

Fargo, ND – City officials are trying to not start a panic while announcing that a large comet may hit downtown Fargo sometime next year.

The comet is named X-51 and is believed to be from the Taurus constellation.

Cometologists have determined that its size is roughly equal to two Fargodomes.

Tim Stellars from the National Comet Observation Bureau says: “If you added another upside-down Fargodome to the bottom of the actual Fargodome, that is about the size and shape of Comet X-51, which is headed straight for downtown Fargo.”

Fortunately, NCOB has calculated that the chance of a direct hit on downtown Fargo is less than 100% but unfortunately have put it at about 80-90%, give or take 5%, after dropping the decimal point.

City officials are discussing the problem and also the possible huge increase in binge drinking due to this “unsettling news”.

We will continue to monitor this developing situation and provide updates on a Need-To-Know basis.

Downtown Fargo Parking Sucks: No Plans To Fix

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"Part of the allure of coming to downtown Fargo is the parking problem."

“Part of the allure of coming to downtown Fargo is the parking problem.”

Fargo, ND – It is not a big secret that the parking situation in downtown Fargo is a problem. Just try meeting someone for lunch downtown and driving around attempting to find a suitable place to park that’s relatively close to your destination. “Sorry I’m late. Couldn’t find a place to park!”

What might be a surprise to most is that there are no plans to solve the problem.

City Planner Merv Schlekler opines: “It’s been this way for so long that people have gotten used to it. Even going way back to when Fargo was called Centralia, parking your car or your horse was never easy.”

Many ideas have been brainstormed as to how Fargo City Officials could perhaps solve the problem, but one by one, they have all ended up in the circular file.

The parking “problem” in Downtown Fargo is here to stay, and is being downgraded to an “irritation”. This way, those little golf cart cops can continue blocking the roads while ticketing as many vehicles as possible to provide Fargo an endless stream of cash flow, all by design.

Downtown Project Seeks To Turn Street Vomit Into Barf Art

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Barf Art

Downtown Fargo Barf Art

Fargo, ND – The growing problem of vomit in the streets of downtown Fargo due to late-night binge drinkers has had city leaders’ stomachs churning for some time. However, a local group of forward-thinkers believe they have the solution: Barf Art.

With a project dubbed, “Regurgitation Appreciation: Let People Hurl”, or RALPH, the group proposes that downtown streets and sidewalks be covered in large white sheets of paper which people can barf all over, Jackson Pollock-style. The paper will then be collected, dried, framed, and put up for auction.

Proceeds from the Barf Art sales will likely benefit someone, but those details have yet to be released.

“Great art always elicits an emotional response,” explains project leader Chuck Upton. “Based on that idea, we think these pieces will be appropriately viewed as brilliant. For collectors in search of a statement piece, Barf Art will be organic and bold, yet intensely intimate. Struggling to find a gift for the person who has everything? Well, guess what? They don’t have Barf Art.”

Downtown bars and restaurants are being encouraged to contribute to the RALPH project by offering happy hour specials on drinks made with colorful liquors. Raspberry Kamikazes and Blue Hawaiians create drama and vibrancy in the art, while Bailey’s Irish Cream drinks add a subtle earthiness.

Free bar snacks, such as peanuts, pretzels, or chips and salsa will also be welcomed for their texture-rich qualities.

“We still have a few logistical snags to work out, but overall we’re super excited about the RALPH project,” raved Upton. “Our hope is that someday people all over the world will see barf on a wall and just know immediately…It’s Downtown Fargo!”

Downtown Business Owners Looking to Curb Curb-Vomit

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no_puking_320The prevalence of vomit on city sidewalks has locals concerned.

Fargo, ND—In case you haven’t been downtown lately, or have been downtown but have not yet encountered a lurching pile of partially-digested filth on the sidewalk, the walk down Broadway is facing an issue that it would like to curb….or UN-curb, permanently. There’s an ongoing problem of vomit on downtown-area sidewalks.

Sidewalk hurler Gnaph Lurchfellow makes no bones about it: “I walk by Sweeto at 2 a.m. after bar close…what am I supposed to do? NOT buy a burrito, crush it, then throw it and the fourteen irish carbombs I slammed earlier up??”

Whose fault is it? Bars and restaurants are quick to deflect blame. “Nobody’s forcing that Sweeto Burrito down your throat and back out again,” says Sweeto cashier Dovio Flexano.

“We serve alcohol. Too much of that stuff can make you sick. We reserve the right to refuse service to those who look barfy,” says Rooters bartender Xyler Moleyhorse. “Once they leave the front doors, there’s not much else we can do.”

NO VOMITING signs are to be strategically placed next to the NO FORNICATING and NO MICTURATING signs on area street corners until this issue is both curbed and un-curbed, for good.