Tag Archives: fargo

Sign Up Now For Exciting Parade Of Hoarder Homes

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Chance to see some unique homes filled to the ceiling with piles of crap.

Chance to see some unique homes filled to the ceiling with piles of crap.

Fargo, ND – With hoarding starting to become rather chic, Fargo is excited to announce its First Annual Parade Of Hoarder Homes.

Parade president Irv Sheik says: “We’re looking for some major hoarders who might want to be included in our First Annual Parade Of Hoarder Homes. It’s going to be a real fun event.”

Please call 1-800-HOARDER to sign up or to nominate a neighbor for the Parade Of Hoarder Homes.

Hoarder homes that are selected for the Parade Of Hoarder Homes will need to have adequate paths through all their piles of crap so that people can parade through each room and get their money’s worth of viewing before voting for the winner of the Best Hoarder Award with the Grand Prize being a $10,000 credit to the Home Shopping Network.

Fargo Debates Downtown Vomit

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Where do you stand on the vomit issue?

Fargo, ND – City officials in Fargo are urgently wondering if you think more should be done about vomit on the streets in downtown Fargo.

While some people here are understandably anti-vomitus for the struggling downtown Fargo area, others believe that vomiting in public is protected as free speech by the 1st Amendment to the United States Constitution.

“Since vomitus usually comes out of the mouth, this action is legally considered to be a form of speech, and therefore, anyone in the United States of America should be able to vomit anytime, anywhere” argues the Rev. Perry Stalsis, a well-respected vomitologist, author, and retired pastor from the Barf University Research Project (BURP).

“If we give up the right to vomit in downtown Fargo, what will be next? Urinating in Sioux Falls?” he worries.

In coming months, expect to see sickish protesters from the Fargo Free Vomitus Society working the streets in opposition to a possible proposed city ban against downtown vomitus.

Fargo Leaders Considering Allowing Chicken Fighting

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Chicken fighting is more popular that soccer.

Chicken fighting is more popular than soccer.

Fargo, ND – City Commissioners will soon be deciding whether or not to allow chicken fighting within city limits.

A number of residents have been pushing for the legalization of chicken fighting. They contend that world-wide, chicken fighting as a sport, is more popular than soccer.

With a growing number of people now living in Fargo who are from foreign countries where chicken fighting is as common as eggs and bacon, Fargo leaders will try to clarify existing laws as they relate to this exciting sport.

Proponents believe that chicken fighting would be a great addition to other city sports such as the Fargo Farce hockey team, the FM Roller Derby squad, and the FM Redhawks baseballers.

Residents against city-sanctioned chicken fighting argue that it is just cock-fighting with another name. They believe that dog fighting and mud wrestling would soon follow through incrementalism.

If you would like to see the Fargo City Commissioners vote YES for chicken fighting, please feel free to attend upcoming meetings, step up to the microphone and express your thoughts and opinions on this impotent matter.

Fargo College Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million

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Unexpected large crowd surprises everyone

Unexpected large crowd surprises everyone

Fargo, ND – ESPN’s College Game Day program was expected to attract a large crowd but nobody knew exactly how large it would be.

One policeman said: “I think everyone from the state of North Dakota is here! And they each must have brought a few friends. This is quite crazy!”

One loyal fan in the crowd who camped out overnight admitted: “This downtown football party is overshadowing the actual football game in the Fargodome.”

The NDSU “Bisons” are favored to stampede the Incarnate Word Cardinals by 72 points.

Early Fargo Business Man Attacked By Giant Blue Mountain Swallowtail Butterfly

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Downtown Fargo, September 12, 1924

Fargo, ND – On this date 90 years ago, a Fargo businessman was attacked by a very large butterfly while crossing a street in the downtown area.

The man’s name was Mr. Simon Cummings who owned and operated Cummings Shoe Store.

Witnesses said that while Simon was negotiating some lunch-time puddles from a September rain storm, a giant blue butterfly seemed to attack Mr. Cummings out of nowhere and for no apparent reason.

One of the on-lookers that day was hotel owner Betsy Donaldson, who was quoted as saying: “If I wouldn’t have seen it, I would not have believed it. This will really make me rethink butterflies.”

The butterfly was later determined to be a Blue Mountain Swallowtail butterfly whose scientific name is Papilio Ulysses.

This special type of butterfly is normally found in Australia where they have been known to attack humans for no obvious reason.

NDSU butterfly expert Norman Winger wrote of this incident: “Of course, there is always a reason for things that happen, but we might not ever be able to know what was going through the mind of a giant teal-toned butterfly, in downtown Fargo, on a rainy day in September, in the year 1924.”

Red River Zoo Soon Adding One Large Triceratops

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If seeing is believing, then you can believe this! Please join us in welcoming Tari, the Triceratops.

Fargo, ND – In case you hadn’t heard, part of Jurassic Park will soon be coming to the Fargo Red River Zoo!

Because of the wide variety of extreme weather conditions in this region, the Fargo Zoo has been chosen to be the lucky home of a real live Triceratops dinosaur, whose name is Tari. Her full name is Tari Spector, which is from the re-arranging of all the letters in “Triceratops”.

The Triceratops type of dinosaur is one of thee most loved and recognizable of all dinosaurs and was originally named by the owner of a Greek restaurant because of its three (tri), horned (cera), face (tops).

Even though the Triceratops were originally believed to have become extinct about 66 million years ago, Tari is living proof that this was simply a false rumor, probably reported on some fake news websites.

This cute and friendly new addition to the Red River Zoo is strictly a herbivore, and because it only eats plant vegetation, it should not be a threat to gobble up any children. Instead, people of all ages will be able to feed Tari some of her favorite grasses and herbs by purchasing them from the Dino-Food vending machine. All of the profits from this vending machine will go directly to the “Save The Dinosaurs From Global Warming” program, which was started by Algore, after he invented the Internet.

Because of the unique challenges Tari brings with her, the Red River Zoo is frantically seeking to hire a few special zoo handlers for this lovable dinosaur. Past working experience with Triceratops would be a major plus for this job. If you think you have what it takes to handle Tari the Triceratops, please call the Red River Zoo to set up a formal interview.

Area Outdoor Pianos Maybe Not Such A Grand Idea

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A few bad squirrels giving all squirrels a bad name.

Fargo, ND – What perhaps began as a grandiose idea has now ended up in the local landfill.

Fargo police surveillance cameras in the area of an outdoor grand piano were not quite quick enough to record all of the alleged destruction of the piano but did manage to capture an image of the possible suspect (see picture).

Dr. William Soozan is the Executive Director of The Downtown Public Piano Project.

Dr. Soozan says that even though some drunk squirrel is most likely the vandal who chewed up the publicly placed piano, this piano will soon be replaced by many more pianos all over the downtown Fargo area.

“We’re not going to give up the fight to provide free pianos for free people to play free music”, he said. “One or two bad squirrels can chew up our pianos but they certainly cannot chew up our dreams.”

In the future, each piano will be securely chained to some sort of stationary object such as a light pole or fire hydrant in order to prevent them from being dragged off and chewed to smithereens. Also, local weather forecasters will provide The Downtown Public Piano Project with early warnings of any possible rain, sleet, or snow, so that the tarp crews will have plenty of time to protect the pianos from damaging precipitation.

If you perchance recognize the squirrel shown in the above picture, please contact the Fargo Police immediately in order to help prevent future property damage to these publicly playable pianos.

Fargo Cat In Tree

Police Shoot And Kill Cat For Climbing Tree Illegally

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Fargo Cat In TreeFargo, ND – Police had to shoot to kill a cat over the weekend.

Tigger, a local neighborhood cat, was shot over the weekend. Police state they received a call about a cat climbing a tree illegally.

Police responded to the call immediately. Upon arriving at the scene, police state that they tried to get the cat down the tree but it hissed at them in a scary manner.

It was at this point the police felt threatened by this domesticated pet and unloaded on it in fear for their life.

400 bullets were expended and all but 3 missed and the cat was pronounced dead on scene.

The Fargo Police Department would like to remind people to keep their pets inside or it risks being shot.

Colorblind Mom Leaves Daycare With Fake Plastic Infant

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Baby aliveFargo, ND—It was supposed to be just another Wednesday afternoon for a Fargo mom. Frosha VanTinkle, a colorblind, drove to Scabby Trail Daycare like usual to pick up her infant daughter Spyler. What happened next may shock you.

What you may not realize about the colorblind is that they not only suffer great difficulty differentiating colors–they also struggle telling the difference between what is real and what is not, as evidenced in this 20th-century Conan O’Brien segment:

Unfortunately for VanTinkle, she mistook a fake plastic Baby Alive® for little Spyler. An honest mistake for a colorblind. VanTinkle fed, bathed, and clothed what she thought was her daughter until the Baby Alive ran out of battery power and died. A frenzied VanTinkle then called 911. When paramedics arrived, they facetiously informed her what she had done and she was able to retrieve the real baby Spyler from Scabby Trail Daycare.

Please remember to watch out for the colorblind. If you see a colorblind slopping down a urinal cake, simply wish it a happy birthday and be on your merry way. Thank you.