Fargo, ND – $25,000. Could that dollar amount change your life? I’m willing to bet it could (even after taxes). Kenneth Noisewater landed a shot at fortune and fame; the type that could only be earned along side big Pat Sajak. Ken went on Wheel of Fortune and hit the big time. Mild-mannered Ken, an accountant by day and a father by night, netted the biggest prize of them all (at the time). He pulled the $25,000 envelope and nailed his bonus round puzzle. Little did Ken know, this would be the beginning of the end.
After owning the bonus round, Ken embraced his family, pocketed his check and went on his way. He was feeling like a star. The trip home was filled with jubilation. The family was buzzing with ideas as to what they should do with the money, but Kenneth had his own plan forming. The money had already begun to change him.
Kenneth watched as Uncle Sam took his share of the coin, then a portion of his debt took some as well. He became angry. Extremely agitated. He wanted his bonus. After all, these were WINNINGS he pocketed, not a government grant! Kenneth went out. He told the Mrs he was headed out for a few minutes to “clear his head”. He actually ended up throat-deep in the biggest alcohol bender of his life.
Noisewater went and had himself a real screamer. Took the car to bar after bar, club after club that night. Got so damn drunk he called his boss and went off. Needless to say, he was fired. Then he called his wife and went off. She hung up on him, confused. Then he called 911 and went off…of a bridge into some very troubled water.
The police said it was a miracle Kenneth survived. The river cushioned the blow, they said. Would you believe it if I told you his wife left him? Well, she didn’t. He left her out of sheer embarrassment. One wretched evening of irresponsibility transformed Kenneth Noisewater into a living legend and a complete nobody in one fell swoop.
These days, Noisewater can be found sucking around downtown with the rest of the street urchins, mumbling incoherently to himself:
“I am a rugged being. The government is too big! Three more Presidents until ruination of society. Smart people will tell ya…money is an object! Where am I? Hello. Hello. Hi. Change??”
Truly a depressing end to an unlikely winner-turned-loser story. Let me be the first to warn you, R S T L N E, 3 more consonants and a vowel can easily spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.