Author Archives: Nick

About Nick

Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.

American Thunderball Federation Holding Open Tryouts In Fargo

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The following is a paid advertisement for the American Thunderball Federation™
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It’s not a game…it’s a way of life.

 

IS D-LEAGUE SOFTBALL NOT MEAN ENOUGH FOR YOU? DID SAND VOLLEYBALL LEAGUE KICK YOU OUT FOR DOMINATING TOO HARD? DID YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR THIS MORNING AND SEE AN UNBEATABLE SUPERGOD? THEN, DAMMIT, PLAY PRO THUNDERBALL!

THE MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL BLUES EXPLOSION ? OF THE AMERICAN THUNDERBALL FEDERATION™ IS LOOKING FOR PLAYERS. ARE YOU A MEGAMAN? A KING BOSS? A FERAL ALPHA DOG? COME TO TRYOUTS AND PROVE IT!

ANDERSON SOFTBALL COMPLEX IN FARGO WILL HOST THE MAYHEM! ATF™ REPS WILL BE ON SITE TO SEE IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE ON A THUNDERBALL FIELD.

NEVER HEARD OF PRO THUNDERBALL? PATHETIC! WHY DON’T YOU LOOK AT OUR SITE, THEN TAKE IN SOME ACTUAL GAME FOOTAGE!

OFFICIAL SITE: Pro Thunderball

RAW ACTION COVERAGE:

 

BRING NOTHING BUT A BRASS SET AND LEAVE YOUR FEARS IN THE TOILET. THIS SPORT ISN’T FOR THE WEAK. PREPARE TO DO BATTLE AGAINST OTHER HOPEFULS FOR A SHOT AT SUPER-STARDOM.

WHEN: June 23 & 24

WHERE: ANDERSON SOFTBALL COMPLEX

WHY: BECAUSE THUNDERBALL

REPS WILL BE THERE ALL DAY BOTH DAYS. SHOW UP, TEAR IT UP, THROW UP.  THUNDERBALL.

Puppy Monkey Baby Placed On Endangered Species List

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endangered

Critically Endangered

 

Another unfortunate living organism has found its way onto the World Wildlife Fund’s endangered species list.

Canis Homo Chimpus, or Puppy Monkey Baby as it is more affectionately known, has been given a conservation status of “critically endangered” by the WWF. There is but one known living species of Puppy Monkey Baby; the one that lit up the hearts and minds of millions of unsuspecting viewers during that bonkers Mountain Dew® commercial which aired during Super Bowl 50.

This species’ environmental habitat is considered urban, however, actual whereabouts of the last Puppy Monkey Baby are not known.

It is said that if you encounter Puppy Monkey Baby, you would be wise to approach it without caution as it is extremely hilarious.

 

Contest: Get Your Ass To Mars!

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News from the future – March 4th, 2066

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Mars Outpost, 2066

Fargo, ND—NASA’s Mars Rover, since its placement on the Red Planet decades ago, has been hard at work constructing the much-anticipated MARS OUTPOST interplanetary research and development facility.

The MARS OUTPOST, located smack dab in between a storm of red lightning and swirling alien dandruff space dust, has become the galaxy’s first spacetacular astrological science and research center. The Mars Rover built this monstrosity from the ground up using nuclear and solar-powered state-of-the-art engineering. Impressive!

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Mars Rover

Anyway, NASA (in conjunction with select media outlets across the nation) is preparing to send one lucky duck straight to Mars in a shuttle captained by R&B legend and current owner of Mars, Bruno Mars. The winner shall receive a first-hand look at the gorgeous new OUTPOST facility!!

The FM Observer will be coordinating an entry contest with its readers. All you have to do to win is complete a small 100-word essay in our comments section below explaining why you should Get Your Ass To Mars. Our staff will compile the results and select one lucky space cadet to be sent on a one-way 34,000,000-mile trip to the Red Planet.

Upon landing on Mars, cadets will eventually be greeted by the Mars Rover where there will be a photo opportunity (no flash photography) along with a guided tour of MARS OUTPOST. After that, you will help Rover do ferocious interstellar battle with Martians.

Good luck!

Must be 18 or older to win. Anyone named Scot is barred from entry (don’t even bother trying, you smug one-t’d bastard). Bring your own space suit (Cohaagen refuses to give his people air). FM Observer and its entities herein are absolved of any transportation casualties after winner has boarded ship. Winner must pass rigorous physical conditioning test prior to departure. No smoking on board spacecraft; vaping OK. Gluten-free rationing available by request. Winner is responsible for his/her own safe return to Earth. Offer valid in continental US only—sorry, Texas.

160-Year-Old Man Shares His Secrets To Longevity

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Sheppy Milton, world’s oldest human and poster child for nanotherapy

News From The Future, March 3, 2116

Austin, TX – Sheppy Milton, the oldest human alive at 160, is terribly reluctant to grant interviews but when he heard that his father and esteemed time traveler Vern Milton made an appearance in our fine publication over 100 years ago, he obliged.

The planet’s oldest man is understandably reclusive. He never answers his doorbell and refuses to acknowledge his worldwide telecommunications interface. We spoke to him via VirtuaSkype from his UltraHouse in Austin, TX.

FMO: So let’s start with the obvious. What is your secret formula for an incredibly long and fruitful existence?

Sheppy: “I’ll tell you, but I must warn you: I’ve heard this question a million times once I turned 120 and as a result, I’ve since mastered every martial art and will kick your ass 40 different ways after this stupid interview is over. Now, to answer your question: Nanotechnology. I was one of the first humans to sell my body to nanotech engineering science. The fine folks at ITT Technical Institute have been injecting me with gene therapy nanobots for nearly 60 years.

FMO: What advantages do you take from enabling microscopic machines to change your cell atoms?

Sheppy: “Very important ones. The nanobots consume and expunge all impurities while simultaneously altering my DNA via a pre-programmed algorithm specific to my genetic code. This technology disables disease and hinders the aging process.”

FMO: Fascinating! What other anti-aging tactics do you employ?

Cryochamber. Every home has one, man.

Cryosleep chamber. Every home has one, man.

Sheppy: “Cryosleep, obviously. Every house nowadays has one, man. This isn’t news! Same shit the astronauts use to travel to Neptune and back. Same shit, except I don’t crank it (the temperature) up as high as they do. I take my nightly nanobot injection, spin up the cryosleep chamber to, oh, roughly 100 below zero and I get in there and preserve for 8 hours. Aging ceases during cryosleep! If you do the math, I’ve added 24 years to my life by cryosleeping every night since the year 2050. The next morning I wake up and pop a limitless pill like everybody else. I’m no different than you.”

FMO: Of all the stuff you’ve seen during your 160 years in America, what do you consider the most amazing?

Sheppy: (without hesitation) “The Kanye West presidency.”

FMO: Do you think you’ll die by natural causes?

Sheppy: “I don’t think so. The technology is so advanced, there’s nothing my body can’t survive. On the contrary, there’s nothing stopping me from getting flattened by a Google SelfBus or being eaten alive by one of the thousands of Ebola-stricken forest zombies Big Government can’t seem to contain. That’s why I stay inside and play Candy Crush Endless Saga all day. No, i’ll live forever unless I were to choke to death on a mouthful of my homegrown genetically-mutated panther jerky. See you in 2216!”

City Council Rejects Counter-Terrorism Proposal

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     “Turret On The Roof” starring Bette Middler. Not coming to a theater near you.

Fargo, ND – In the wake of the San Bernadino attack, Fargo city council members tossed around some rather extreme counter-terrorism tactics. 

Among those ideas discussed:

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Counter-terrorism TANK

  • Tank patrol
  • Erect a big Incredible Hulk statue in front of Dempsey’s
  • Arm the homeless
  • Vacate downtown Fargo completely
  • Build a wall

The only considerable plan came from ambitious consulting firm Merryweather Security. They proposed that the city install a loaded machine gun turret on top of the Fargo Theater sign in an effort to discourage and/or swiftly eradicate illegal activity.

This proposal was bandied about, discussed at length, met with deep levels of concern and just today, finally rejected by the council.

Alternatively, South Fargo convenience store owners are said to be consulting with Merryweather independently. These owners seek drastic measures to reduce the amount of armed robberies taking place on their property.

Obama Threatens To Block Senate’s Block Of Supreme Court Justice Nominee

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Double-doer?

Washington, DC – President Obama has vowed to find a qualified candidate to nominate for Supreme Court Justice. The speculation is that that candidate will be anti-anti-liberal. This does not sit well with the Republican-controlled Senate. They have stated that they will seek to block this nomination. That does not sit well with Obama. It sits so unwell, in fact, that Obama is ready to destroy the entire universe in order to get his way.

President Obama says he’s threatening to block the Senate’s block.

“The Senate says they will block my justice nomination. Well, if they do…ah… I’ll block that block. This is not good. Everyone knows that… ah…when you type ‘Google’ into Google, you can… ah… break the internet. Similar thing going on here. This type of action causes paradoxical duality….ah…which then catosphates a rift in the space time continuum resulting in… ah…the impenetrable quickening of antimatter. So, you see… ah… you should never double do something. But if I’m forced to…ah.. execute my constitutional right of appointment that which the Senate then blocks … ah… I’ll have to block that. So, folks…ah…start wearin’ your hard hats.”

Bictor Tedhanger

Bictor Tedhanger

Many in the quantum physics community are calling this potential block-block a serious threat to the very fabric of space time.

University of Organical Physicology Professor Bictor Tedhanger fears the worst. “If the President follows through on this block-block, what he says is very much accurate: paradoxical duality followed by an impenetrable quickening. This would be incredibly damaging to our atoms. Your body and mine would spontaneously molt from the inside out in the time it takes to extract candy from a baby hand.”

It would seem that Obama will stop at nothing to nominate his coveted Justice. Will Biden be able to talk some sense into him? If our guts implode between now and the end of Obama’s term, then that answer is probably no.

Who Should Obama Nominate As Supreme Court Justice? An FM Observer Investigative Report

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With the unfortunate passing of Justice Antonin Scalia, Obama is now met with another opportunity to nominate one respected, authoritative, experienced, judgmental individual to the United States Supreme Court.

Who will he pick? One can only speculate. Who should he pick? Well, how bout we throw a few names around and see what sticks:

David Petraeus

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Stern with cases?

Former CIA Director, Military General, Medal of Merit recipient. The man has pedigree (alleged sex scandal notwithstanding). Maybe Obama could name him Supreme Court General.

Supreme Leader Snoke

Qualified because already supreme.

Qualified because already supreme.

With experience as a Supreme Leader, Snoke can utilize the powers of the Dark Side to restore balance to the galaxy judicial system.

Al Gore

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No…?

Former VP and current climate change advocate Algore would make for a key addition. You just know Obama is going to want to push through some global cooling bills before his term is up.

Making A Murderer’s Ken Kratz

Would get kicked out of the Supreme Court faster than Steven Avery went back to jail

Would get kicked out of the Supreme Court faster than Steven Avery went back to jail.

The sneaky prosecutor from the famous Netflix docu-series Making A Murderer, Kratz is about as crooked as Hillary’s email server. Will that deter Obama from naming him Justice? Will it?

Janet Reno

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Justice stands tall.

That killer instinct held at bay for over a decade, Former US Attorney General Janet Reno has been waiting quietly in the shadows since her retirement from politics in 2003. Reno will stand tall, wielding an impressively long arm of justice for years to come.

Should anyone else be considered for this prestigious nomination? Will you put your nomination suggestions in the comment section below? Only time will tell.

Harpist To Serenade Downtown Fargo Valentine’s Day Patrons

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Harpist

Für Elise in A-minor, whether you like it or not

Fargo, ND—The Observer is proud to announce a special treat for downtown Fargo this Valentine’s Day! The enchanting melodies of the soon-to-be infamous Broadway Harpist will serenade street-side onlookers this weekend. Couples who walk hand-in-hand down Broadway will enjoy the ambient presence of the heavenly harp-sick-cord.

Thine own soothing harpist shalt gleefully stalk ye with romantic sound as ye walk. He shalt follow thee downeth thine street-side, plucking gently at thilst instrument of divinity. Harken as ye traveleth by foot down thy sideth walketh; thine harpist shan’t be far away.

The street-side harpist will wheel his instrument close behind those who lag, strumming delicately. His harp wood might give you a playful nudge—but it’s all right! He merely wants to provide an intimate experience for you on this, the Lover’s Holiday. Tips are greatly appreciated.

Look for the harpist on a downtown Fargo sidewalk. Thilst playing shalt commence at the fall of nigh.

FM Observer Secures Naming Rights For Blue Post-it Notes

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Brands®. They’re everywhere®. Get used to it®.

Temecula, CA—A much-anticipated blockbuster deal has been finalized. After extensive negotiations, the FM Observer has inked a lucrative branding contract with popular sticky note manufacturer Post-It. For the next decade, the FM Observer logo will be plastered on each and every blue 3″x3″ Post-it note.

FMO Spokesman Morven Tisslancer announced the deal to shareholders this morning. “I am pleased to announce naming rights for the blue Post-it notes have been secured. Not the yellow, not the pink, not the green. The blue ones, mmkay? From now until 2026, all 3-by-3-inch blue Post-it notes will contain the FM Observer agency logo. No comment. Next question.”

The FM Observer has been aggressively seeking a naming rights agreement after US Bank outbid them for the new Minnesota Vikings football stadium. Investors and developers say the deal with Post-it comes closest to meeting shareholder expectations and in the long run, will likely surpass the simple branding of a big, ugly football stadium.

MSNBC Trade Analyst Thousman VanDelay put things in general terms on last night’s Stock Jocks broadcast. “If FMO had papered the stadium deal, they wouldn’t have seen this perfect opportunity to brand up with Post-it. This is a major win for both parties.”

Exact terms of this agreement are not known. Speculation is that FMO paid mere dollars for the privilege of having yet another obscenely-placed brand thrust in the faces of American consumers.

Expect to start becoming infuriated by this brand placement within the next Fiscal Quarter.

Fargo Man Performs Amateur Exorcism

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exorcismFargo, ND – An area man, without the help of a brave Catholic priest, has completely freed his significant other from demonic possession. Blenn Fristle, 42, was able to purge the darkest beast from within his wife Pavia by quickly skimming through the 2013 edition of Exorcism For Dummies.

“I won’t get into it too far, but chapter 4’s Scream Away The Ghost worked damn well in a pinch,” said Fristle. “It’s an easy read. You don’t gotta recite no spiritual hibbajib like they do in movies. You basically yell ‘get out of here, ghost!!’ a buncha times ’til you pass out. And, boom! The devil’s gone.”

Fristle’s wife Pavia isn’t convinced she had ever taken in an evil spirit. “I wasn’t possessed by nuthin’. Blenny just thinks i’m ‘full of the devil’ when it’s that time of the month. It weren’t no damn exorcism.”

The Observer commends Mr. Fristle for standing tall against Satan on his wife’s behalf. Exorcism For Dummies can be found at a bookstore near you.