They have narrowed the identity of the bombing suspect down to either a “dark-skinned male, possible white, or maybe a woman,” “a fat Hispanic baby,” or “a dog on its hind legs wearing glasses and a hat.”
Not much to say but that this……is……HILARIOUS!
This weeks Best Rap Lyrics of The Week award go to the late and great DMX. Is he still in jail? Anyways, this is from the song Here Comes The Boom. An older song but so so great. A sniplet of some of the best lyrics ever concocted is listed below. You may enjoy the song in it’s entirely below also.
Chump nigga, I stomp a mud hole in your face
Muthafucka, rip your butthole outta place
Cock the glock to your head, let off about two in it
Yea its a dirty job but I just love doin it.
That is fantastic. Nobody wants their butthole ripped outta place. Enjoy this classic song below. It is worth turning up real loud if you actually have a nice sound system.
“Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?”
Palo Alto, CA – Stanford University researchers have been conducting top-secret experiments in an effort to dramatically increase day-to-day smartphone battery longevity.
Scientific trials have been performed on lithium-ion batteries and how they precisely integrate with microcomputer hardware, varying from average usage as well as hipster “data junkie” interaction.
Scientists placed gleeful volunteer participants in a locked room with various models of smartphone for specified periods of time. They tested different operating systems (Android, iOS, Windows) in different climates (hot & humid/frigid/room temperature) using varied test subjects (hipsters, teenage girls, the elderly) with both regular-sized batteries and extended-life batteries.
These variables all served the experiment well, but there was one determining factor that made the biggest impact.
The institution’s findings will blow you away. Researchers concluded that the only true method to increase day-to-day longevity of your device is to—get this—use it less. Stanford University Science and Technology researcher Robert Jacobs explains:
“You can attach a charging case to the device or slap a beefed-up battery in your Android or Windows phone hardware if you want to, but both methods are still at risk for technological failure. A sudden glitch in the coding or equipment malfunction, for example. The only 100% guaranteed method of extending battery life is to put the device down and have a serious conversation with a person next to you. Don’t use it as much. Connect on an interpersonal level, not a digital one.”
As if! As if we need a renowned scientific institution to tell us to put our phones down and live our lives! We’re perfectly content with our internet addiction. We are NOT hyperconnected data junkies.
Fargo, ND – When friendly folks in Fargo, North Dakota should be hosting garage sales and planting their gardens, Winter Storm Xerxes will be extending winter…with a vengeance.
While Tiger Woods is being assessed penalty strokes down in Georgia, another 10-14 inches of heavy, wet, back-breaking snow is about to be ushered into Fargo/Moorhead with up to 40 mph wind gusts.
Grocery and liquor stores have seen a tremendous spike in business during the calm before the arrival of Super Storm Xerxes.
Near blizzard conditions are expected to reek major havoc on the area from Sunday through Monday, which unfortunately is the last day to get taxes mailed at the Post Office. Olaf Larson at the Post Office said: “This here ain’t a real good deal with Xerxes arriving on Tax Day, for sure, don’t you know.”
City officials had been cautiously optimistic about the 2013 flood situation up until now, but with megastorm Xerxes about to come a-knocking, the upcoming flood fight could be a-rockin’ with a nightmare scenario of historically bad proportions.
Dr. Sumner Watkins with the National Climatological Institute says that: “April 17, 1881 was the previous record for reaching a temperature in the 50s (or greater), but that long-standing record will be shattered this year.” Dr. Watkins thinks it might not be until May when warmer temperatures arrive. “When they do arrive, the chances become increasingly good that Fargo could suddenly reach the 70-80 degree range and melt all the snow within a few days.”
Life jackets and kayaks could soon be in short supply as a late-season MegaBlizzard could morph into The MegaFlood. In the face of difficulty, Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear” (and the fear of flood).
Due to the large number of incidents involving human beings using weapons to kill other human beings there will now be a ban on being a human being.
The state department released a report to Congress recommending a background check on all humans and will be closing all private birthing loop holes.
Also in the report, a call to expand prison systems to accommodate all human assault weapons. It also suggested offering fifty bucks for voluntary submissions of any human assault weapons.
Detroit Lakes, MN – In a sad story blooms something funny.
Valley News Live interviewed Tim Eggebraaten in what seemed to be a poor choice of location. If you look closely behind Mr. Eggebraaten, you can see their comical sign they have up that says “gotdonuts?’
Now was this planned for shits and giggles? Was the KVLY interviewer feeling daring and positioned him in front of the sign without his knowledge? Was this Mr. Eggebraaten’s idea for laughs? We may never know.
Regardless, it’s pretty funny. Click the pictures for a better view.
Below are very important questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.
Are there unicorns?
Are there dragons?
Will you rape me of my money?
Will you rape me?
Will you rape my children?
Do you think for me or do I think for myself?
Is it ok to pass gas in a church pew?
Are gays your sworn enemy? If so, would you go to war against them? What weapons would you use?
Do I get superpowers?
Is touching a woman’s or man’s arm considered sex?
Are animals considered robots?
Do you believe in modern medicine or are you miracle healers?
Are there free donuts available after we congregate?
Do you wear special underwear?
Do you pray to god or use some type of electronic device like a cellphone?
Do you perform mating rituals?
Do I have to give you my belongings?
What date do you consider the end coming?
If Jessica Biel became a zombie and tried to bite you, would you let her get a little tongue action in before you blew her head off?
How many followers does your religion’s twitter feed currently have?
How many times did the Bible’s writers misuse the words ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ before you guys edited it?
If your religion could have a mascot, what would it be?
What is the outside food/beverage policy during worship?
I have an aversion to needles. Will you be administering heroin or any other harmful drugs during bloody sacrifice? (hopefully only applies to Satanism)
True or false: If you keep all the hair trimmings from every haircut you’ve ever had, you would have enough to construct a life-size hair twin?
Where we’re going, will we need roads or no?
Why didn’t Jesus have a wife and kids?
Update: A priest responds
GAME TIME
How To Play:
1 Look at picture.
2. Try and guess what animal the cookie is supposed to be.
Rules:
1. No cheating! You are not allowed to go get yourself a bag of these glorious things so you can examine then eat the cookies yourself.
Here is your one and only hint. The picture below is the kind of bag the cookies came in. I crossed out the animals on the front of the bag because it could have possibly gave away the answers.
Let’s get started!
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Can you guess them all correctly? Leave your answers in the comments section below.
In a stunning turn of events, the ND Legislature approved milk for under-served children at milk break.
“Initially we felt these children were just out of luck, and they could just have water if their parents can’t afford milk” commented a Representative. “With a billion dollar surplus we felt budget allocations were best served in other important areas such as oil and infrastructure.
These concepts are the future. Although these remain our top priorities, we felt it was in the best interest of our hearts for these kids to have milk,” said another Representative.
Yes folks, not only did the Grinch’s heart grow two sizes so did those of the ND Legislature.