Tag Archives: donald trump

President Trump Puts Pink Floyd In Charge Of Building The Wall

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Pink Floyd hired by President Trump to be in charge of The Wall.

Pink Floyd hired by President Trump to be in charge of The Wall.

Wall, Texas – Wasting no time after his landslide victory, President Trump announced that he is putting Pink Floyd in charge of building The Wall.

President Trump: “Pink Floyd is going to be in charge of The Wall along our Southern border. It’s going to be great. It will be longer and greater than the Great Wall in China. And Mexico will pay for it.”

In other news, President Trump has asked retiring NFL football player HaHa Clinton-Dix to oversee the special prosecutor who will be in charge of putting Hillary in prism for her off-color remarks.

As the 70-year-old President Trump becomes the 45th president of the United States after running for his first elected office, we can expect to see a long list of celebrities moving to Canada, including: Barbara Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Whoopi Goldberg, Jon Stewart, and Rosie O’Donnell. 

During Another Moment Of Confusion, Hillary Says She’s Voting For Trump

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I love the Donald. I am voting for the Donald and you should too!

I love the Donald! I am voting for Donald Trump and you should too!

Clintonia, USA – While ostensibly suffering from another moment of dazed confusion, Hillary’s Clinton announced she is voting for Donald Trump for president.

After her army of aides and handlers tried to negate her pronouncement, she doubled down by also encouraging others to follow her lead and vote for The Donald.

Reporters quickly tried to change the subject by asking questions about other topics such as “Hillary, what’s your favorite pizza topping?” but Hillary seemed laser focused on the fact that she wanted to vote for the Trumpster.

Daughter Chelsea blamed her mother’s apparent lapse of judgment on the pneumonia medication she has been taking ever since she just barely stumbled into that black ambulance.

President Obama blamed George W. Bush for Hillary’s problems and then went golfing.

Bill Clinton was unavailable for comment about Hillary’s confused state of mind as he was off in a corner talking to some young female reporters about women’s rights issues.

Republican National Committee To Replace Donald Trump With Broomstick

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Potential GOP Presidential Nominee

Better option than Trump?

Washington, DC – At this hour, the Republican backpedal is spinning at over 6 million revolutions per second as the GOP scrambles to find a replacement for noted gropesmith Donald Trump. 

Reince Preibus was forced to remark on the possibility of extracting the Donald from state ballots prior to the November election. “We are evaluating every avenue and all options like we always have been and will continue to, do you see? The inevitability of a slender, stoic, hardline, bristly straight-sweeper with perfect hair that stands tall running for office is in the realm of potential, alrighty then?”

It sounds to the Observer like the Republican National Committee is efforting a broomstick as a last-minute replacement for Donald Trump. The broomstick is slender, stoic, hard, bristly and sweeps straight if you aim it in the right direction. It is a great tool that can clean up Washington without getting caught musing over sexual assault ardor.

The time is now for Reince to act. With yet another Presidential debate looming, perhaps the RNC will trot out a secret weapon to avoid the embarrassment of another Donaldism.

Obama First Family To Book A Room At Trump’s Turnberry Golf Resort

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The Donald can golf right-handed or left-handed depending on his audience.

Ayrshire, Scotland – Brockobama, along with his first wife and first daughters, are The First Family to book a room at the newly refurbished Trump Turnberry golf resort, possibly the site of the British Open in the year 2022.

The First Family will be playing around with Donald at Trump’s Scottish golf course, which is of special interest to Brockobama since he will be taking over the retiring Tiger Woods’ place on the professional golf tour, as soon as the president finishes his second term in The Oval Office.

Sir Simon Brodkin, the presumptive executive general manager of Trump Turnberry, reported that the Obama Family were indeed the first guests to officially book a luxury suite at Trump’s new “shy and modest” golf resort, which gently rests in the home country of his mother, Mary MacLeod, from Stornoway Shire, in the Outer Hebrides.

Book a suite for your family or company incentive outing at The Trump Turnberry Golf Resort and play golf where golf was invented, after which you can consume all-you-can-drink adult beverages in the prestigious Royal and Ancient Bar, where adult beverages were invented.

Senate To Debate If ‘Biweekly’ Means Twice Per Week Or Once Every Two Weeks

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U.S. Senate only spends time debating impotent issues.

U.S. Senate spends time debating impotent issues.

Washington, DC – Next week, the United States Senate is set to debate what is the precise definition of the ambiguous term “biweekly“.

Some senators strongly believe that biweekly means twice a week, as in: “The biweekly trysts with my paramour usually happen on Wednesdays and Saturdays.”

Other senators vehemently disagree while believing that biweekly means once every two weeks. Example: “It is time to vote to double our Senatorial pay by changing the schedule from every four weeks to biweekly.”

What the Senate decides could make a big difference whenever the term “biweekly” is used.

Where do you stand on this controversial issue which is negatively affecting the unity of the United States?

You can expect to hear this important question contested hotly during the upcoming presidential debates between Hillary’s Clinton and Donald’s Trump.

Donald Trump To House Speaker Boehner: ‘You’re Fired!’

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John Boehner, you're fired!

John Boehner, you’re fired!

New York, NY – In preparation for his upcoming presidency, Donald Trump is already making some big changes.

On Friday, the Trumpster told House Speaker John Boehner, “You’re Fired!”.

Now, whenever anyone has a weepy, tearful moment, it is being called “a Boehner moment”.

At this juncture, The Donald is leaning toward having Motivational Speaker Matt Foley replace John Boehner as Speaker of the House.

Here is a list of some other possible key changes President-Elect Donald Trump wants to make for his administration:

  • Gary Busey: White House Chief-of-Staff
  • La Toya Jackson: Plastic Surgeon General
  • Dennis Rodman: Ambassador to North Korea
  • Megyn Kelly: Ambassador to Siberia
  • Rosie O’Donnell: Secretary of Sanitation & Waste Disposal
  • Bill Cosby: Drug Company Czar
  • Ray Rice: Head of Hotel Security
  • Michael Vick: Director of the Humane Society
  • Al Sharpton: N-Word Police Force Captain
  • Tom Brady: Deflation Czar
  • Bernie Madoff: Treasury Secretary
  • Ted Nugent: President of the N.R.A.
  • Willie’s Nelson: Medical Marijuana Czar
  • Subway’s Jared Fogle: Director of Youth Programs
  • Larry Bird: Avian Flu Coach
  • King Kong: Outside Building Inspector
  • Jerry Lundegaard: CA$H-For-Clunkers Director
  • Major Tom: Director of N.A.S.A.
  • Walter White: Methodist Church Bishop
  • Caitlyn Jenner: Transportation Secretary
  • Jack Daniels: Head of the A.T.F.
  • The UND Fighting Sioux: Oversee the N.C.A.A.
  • Dracula: Director of the Blood Bank & The Red Cross
  • Billy Graham: Secretary of S’mores
  • KFGO’s Joel Heitkamp: Head Grammarian
  • Chewbacca: Director of ESL (English as a 2nd Language)
  • Billy Bob Thornton: In charge of just General Weird Shit
  • Village People: To oversee the Y.M.C.A.
  • Men at Work: In charge of Job Creation
  • Pink Floyd: In charge of The Wall
  • Jacksonville Jaguars Mascot: Ebola Czar

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If Elected President, Trump Vows To Go Bald

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Shed the Head, Donald!

Cueball Trump

New York, NY – While standing on top of his Trump Tower building, Donald Trump promised to a small gaggle of reporters that if elected president, he would shave the top of his own personal Trump Tower.

Call it a gimmick if you must, but you must admit that Donald Trump shaving his head and shedding his famous hair would be a sight to behold.

One would have to go back to our 34th president to find another who also donned a dome head: Dwight D. Eisenhower, but Ike arguably had a hint of hair.

The Donald says his bald head would be a respectful tip of the hat to our national predatory symbol, the Bald Eagle, which coincidentally would be President Trump’s secret service code name.

With another GOP debate on CNN’s horizon, Donald Trump is now challenging all the other Republican candidates to vow to shave their heads if elected president, to show their allegiance to the Bald Eagle.

Donald Trump Planning Fly-Overs To Drop $100 Bills In Many Key Voting States

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Donald Trump ponders how rich he is.

New York, NY – The next president of the United States wants to thank you in advance for your vote by dropping $100 bills from the sky.

If you live in a key battleground state, expect to see Donald Trump’s plane doing a low slow fly-over while personally emptying bags of cash over your neighborhood.

President Donald Trump: “I am very, very rich and want to do this to begin to make America great again.”

When asked if this is just a blatant attempt to buy votes, Mr. Trump responded: “You must be having a bad day. Based on your loser question, you obviously are wearing those glasses just to try to make you look smart, and you certainly do not understand how trickle down economics works in the real world. Even though you don’t work for me, YOU’RE FIRED!”