Tag Archives: global drying

Global Warming Changing Algore Into A Reptile

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Algore is now becoming Lizard Man!?

Lizarda, Brazil – While in South America giving speeches about Global Warming, Algore has reportedly begun changing into what appears to be a reptile.

Local Brazilian newspapers are now referring to the Climate Change expert as “Homem Lagarto” (Lizard Man).

Some believe that the warmer climate is changing the former vice president into a reptilian human lizard while others think he may have been bitten by a rabid lizard during a jungle camping expedition into the Amazon rain forest.

What do you think about this?

Do you believe in Herpetology?

Are you for or against Global Warming?

Where do you see yourself in 100 years?

Are you willing to fight for peace?

Global Spinning Is Increasing In Speed; Is It Too Late To Try And Put The Brakes On?

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The speeding up of Global Spinning could have some seriously bad consequences.

Spinnerville, NY – Governmental experts are now warning inhabitants of Earth that the spinning of our planet is really speeding up.

Algore, who seems to be the most expert expert on this impotent issue, is predicting that this increase in speed of Earth’s rotation on its axis is caused by Man (mainly in the United States) and he believes that we’all should be heavily taxed so that governmental workers can try to fix the problem.

“Global Spinning is a very, very serious problem which could send some people and animals flying right off the planet and straight into outer space,” says Algore.

How do you feel about the problem of Global Spinning, or don’t you care? What would you do if you suddenly flew off the Earth because it’s spinning too fast? Would you pay more in taxes so your government can wisely spend that money to slow down the spinning of the Earth? Would you be willing to join the Space Force? How much can you bench press right now?

Area Marshes Getting Really Bogged Down

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Experts all agree that people in the future will fight over any dry land that still exists.

Wetonka, SD – With the sudden gradual onset of Global Wetting, marshlands in our area are beginning to get really bogged down.

“These low-lying wetlands are becoming so darned waterlogged that some are now being categorized as Level III marshy quagmires,” says Pete Bogg, executive director of The War On Wetlands.

Climatologists believe that with the additional rain expected to fall over the next 100 years, the Dakotas will be very similar to a giant bowl of swampy vegetable soup, with no dry land to drink beer on.

“I don’t want to cause a mass panic, but just imagine having extremely wet socks…for the rest of your life, and then multiply that times infinity,” warns Pete Bogg, as he sips his dry martini while reaching for another Xanax.

Hurricane Limbaugh Set To Wreak Havoc On Liberal Media

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Hurricane Limbaugh has its eye on the mainstream media.

Palm Beach, FL – After Rush Limbaugh suggested that Hurricane Irma is merely a liberal hoax, Hurricane Limbaugh suddenly popped up in its place and is expected to stir things up on the mainland.

Obviously caused by climate change, which is caused by global warming, which is caused by fracking, Hurricane Limbaugh is on track to make landfall in the Palm Beach area, right where the Doctor of Democracy has his home base.

Hurricane Limbaugh is expected to wreak major havoc, just as Rush has been doing with his strong-winded criticisms of liberal ‘Democratics’ for three long decades.

Characteristics of Hurricane Limbaugh include: Very low pressure, an expansively large circulation, a calm and warm center, a strong force going outward in all directions, and many topical disturbances on a daily basis.

Global Warming Causing Ice To Become The New Currency

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“The official melting point of ice just got a little warmer.” –Algore

Meltonville, Iowa – Due to increasingly increasing high and low temperatures throughout the Upper Midwest region, unmelted ice is beginning to become the new currency in this post-Global Warming economy.

Based on his own scientific research, Dr. Gil McIntee strongly believes that people will soon be paying for all their basic survivalistic-type items with unmelted ice.

Dr. Gil McIntee in his own words: “It is entirely feasible that ice will be the new gold just as hot will be the new cold.”

Many are already seeing the ice price begin to shoot up like junkies at a needlepoint class and starting to skyrocket as if being launched from the North Korean peninsula.

Ironically, all of the letters in Gil McIntee can somehow be re-arranged to also spell: Melting Ice!

Area Drought Being Blamed On Dry Conditions And ‘Global Drying’

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Experts agree that lack of rain causing drought.

West Fargo, ND – Our new staff droutologist Dr. Rod Guth has just issued his final report on the area drought.

Rod believes that short-term dry conditions coupled with the long-term Global Drying are the two main reasons for the “paucity of moisture” in the upper Midwest region.

Dr. Guth in his own words: “An earthly dearth of water seems to be because of dry conditions brought about by macro-desiccation from Global Drying.”

We asked Dr. Rod Guth: “Just how dry is it?“

It is so dry that fish are carrying canteens!
It is so dry that cows are giving evaporated milk!
It is so dry that watermelon are the size of baseballs!
It is so dry that they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool!

Ironically, all the letters in Rod Guth can be rearranged to spell: Drought!