Tag Archives: hospital

Executive Directors Named For Fargo’s New Combo Church/Hospital

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At the new Amen Church Hospital is where religion and healthcare meet.

Fargo, ND – The new Amen Church Hospital has named Peter and Paul Christianson as executive directors as the project moves forward toward final fruition.

The Amen Church Hospital will be the first of its kind in the nation: A fully functioning hospital which also has all the normal underpinnings of a full-blown church.

The new co-executive directors are two brothers, each of whom are both pastors and physicians, as were each of their parents.

Peter and Paul Christianson explain it like this: “What could be better than having full communion with your entire congregation while you are literally being prepared for a colonoscopy during the Lord’s Prayer?”

If you would like to attend the Amen Church Hospital, please show up for either the church worship service or get admitted to the hospital, which are basically one in the same.

Dr. Harshnel Quadflop Called In To Investigate Fargo’s Recent Outbreak Of Ekbom’s Syndrome

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The esteemed Dr. Harshnel Quadflop

Fargone, ND – As if Fargo didn’t already have enough problems to deal with (such as beavers, flooding, and pinochle), now city leaders can add an unexpected and unwanted outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome to its growing list of emerging emergencies.

Luckily, the country’s leading Ekbom expert was immediately available to head up here to God’s Country at the drop of a hat into the packing of his suitcase.

“What we are initially seeing here is a highly typical case of the Ekbom’s Syndrome playing itself out in this community you refer to as Fargo,” explains Dr. Harshnel Quadflop, as he carefully inscribes small sentences into his old, thick, red notebook.

Advice from Dr. Quadflop includes: 1. Don’t panic. 2. Go about your lives as normally as possible. 3. Report any symptoms of Ekbom’s Syndrome to your local authorities. 4. Stay well-stocked up on adult beverages. 5. Nap as needed, unless called upon to shovel or sandbag. 6. Monitor and disseminate all pertinent news on a need-to-know basis.

Fargo Man Suing Hospital For Mistakenly Removing His Novanoid

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Now I gots to go thru life with no-vanoid.

Fargo, ND – After having his novanoid removed erroneously by a distracted surgeon, Donovan Ion is lawyering up to sioux the hospital.

The surgeon-at-fault admits he may have been sexting during the botched operation but veinly consoles by saying not having a novanoid taint the end of the world.

Since the hospital in question clearly lacks plausible deniability, Donovan Ion’s attorney is smelling money all the way to the bank while gathering evidence such as his client’s former novanoid.

Ironically, all the letters in Donovan Ion can be re-arranged to spell: No Novanoid!

Fargo Man Returns To Life After Clocks Changed Back One Hour

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Man comes back from dead after clocks turned back an hour!

Man comes back from dead after clocks turned back an hour!

Fargo, ND – In what doctors are calling “highly unusual”, a hospital patient who had passed away during the early Sunday morning hours came back to life after the hospital turned the clocks back an hour to Central Standard Time.

Dr. Bernard LaFlange had pronounced the patient dead 35 minutes earlier.

But then, right at 2:00 AM, when the clocks went back to 1:00 AM, the older male patient returned to life just as if nothing had happened.

The man’s family was completely stunned as would be expected under such bizarre circumstances.

A spokesperson for the hospital admits that it is not certain whether or not changing the clocks back an hour had anything to do with the patient’s revival from the dead.

When the patient was asked about the incident, he simply responded that he would like to go to Denny’s Restaurant and order the Grand Slam breakfast platter and a pot of coffee.

Fargo Hospital Hires First Monkey Doctor

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Dr. Bonzo is very excited to begin his medical practice in Fargo, North Dakota.

Fargo, ND – An area hospital is proud to announce a new team member to its full-time staff.

Dr. Panky Bonzo, who recently finished up his residency at the prestigious Cleveland Clinic, will begin seeing patients this summer.

To make Doctor Bonzo more at home, his office is being wallpapered in a jungle motif with decorative accent strips of yellow bananas along with multiple vines and ropes hanging from the ceiling.

Panky is a general practice doctor who tends to specialize in problems with the hands and feet, such as plantar fasciitis.

He is a very good listener, loves funny stories and can tell a few of his own.

Dr. Bonzo (who is currently single) loves walks along the river, sharing banana splits, playing on the monkey bars and watching old movies.

Fargo’s New Hospital To Treat Dogs And Cats

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SanFurd Pawspital to treat pets.

Fargo, ND – The new Sanford Mega-Hospital being built along I-94 has just announced that one entire wing will be devoted to providing healthcare for pets.

“Because of the recent pet population explosion, especially in the West Fargo area, we’ve decided that one of the four hospital wings will be exclusively for dogs and cats”, says Sanford spokesperson Pat Wingnut.

The new “Sanfurd Pawspital” (which the Pet Wing will affectionately be called) will honor both Peticare and Peticaid, as is mandated by Obamacare.

Sanford’s new Pet Hospital will have an indoor Petting Zoo, a No Barking Zone, along with a state-of-the-art I. C. U. and U. C. Me.

For any local cat emergencies, simply call Sanfurd Pawspital’s FeLine which is 8888-FELINE. For doggy problems, call the Canine Hot-Line which is 8888-ARF-ARF.

For Level One pet emergencies, the Flight-of-Life helicopter will pick up and lovingly bring your sick and wounded pets back to the HeliPad for immediate affordable care, as is mandated by Obamacare.

The Fargo DMV Is In A Terrible Location

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fargo_dmvFargo, ND – The DMV is the last place one wants to be…..ever.  I’d rather be swimming in pig shit than be waiting in line at the dmv.  If having to enter the gates of hell dmv didn’t make your life miserable enough, Fargo decides to stick the dmv between a bus stop and a temporary employment agency.  I’ll tell you why this is a terrible location and where the dmv should be located.

The DMV is a test to everyone’s patience in that if you don’t feel like murdering at LEAST 10 people by the time you walk out and get to your car, your visit is considered a success.  One of the reasons you may feel like a murdering psychopath after entering the gates of hell dmv is that they require you to pay them in ways 90% of society doesn’t fucking pay people anymore, CASH and CHECK ONLY.  Cash, ok maybe i’ll be a little lenient on this one because cash is cash.  Still, not many people carry cash anymore but checks?  Fucking checks?  That alone is a huge red flag that they are there to torment you into submission.  There are various other reasons the DMV sucks that I don’t have to mention but I think the polls are in and the consensus is….

THE DMV GOES TO THE GREATEST LENGTHS HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO WASTE YOUR DAY.

Now onto the location.  The location of the Fargo DMV is immediately next to a bus depot.  That’s cool, buses are cool, what’s not fucking cool is shady people hanging around staring at you or your car.  So now not only do I have to worry about how bad the DMV will try and rape me I have to worry about possibly getting robbed.  Why not?  Seems like it would be pretty easy to break into my car, steal my Very Best of: David Hasselhoff cd, and hop on the bus to never neverland while I’m waiting inside ripping my eyes out wondering how long my ass will hurt.

Here is my proposal of where the location of the DMV should be.

Welcome to the Fargo DMV

The Fargo DMV should be located smack dab in the middle of a hospital and a shooting range.  This way, after leaving the dmv, you can walk right next door to the friendly hospital where they will repair your raped and mutilated ass for a small fee of 20 thousand dollars.  Next, walk on over the shooting range for some good wholesome target practice.  This will relieve your frustrations and send you home calm while forgetting the torment you just had to endure and the pain you are feeling in your ass.