Below are some of the obvious factors:
– It is so cold that your balls shrivel all the way up into your scrotum so you no longer have balls and literally freak out wondering where your balls went. No school for you.
– At least TWO of your children slip on the ice while going to school and suffer severe brain damage then school might be called off. Remember it has to be at least two children.
– Zero visibility. It better look like Lindsay Lohan just sneezed on an 8-ball out there. Basically, if you can see two inches in front of you, get your ass to school and learn some french!
– If you don’t have at least two feet of snow in your driveway in the morning then school’s on, bitches.
– If the majority of every road is an ice rink, then school’s on. Ice skate your ass to school, pussy.
-Are there polar bears roaming the streets? No matter. Ride one to class! But if you see Sasquatch, get the hell inside.
-Let’s say you walk outside and immediately seize up into a human icicle. That doesn’t mean you won’t thaw out after your mommy drags you to homeroom. Get moving.
-Your local liquor store must write you a typed long-form note explaining that they are out of Hot 100. That is one of very few viable excuses you can use to stay home.
-There is a Three Stooges marathon on cable.
-You are 99% completion on Grand Theft Auto. Understandable that you need that final mission badly.
-Your home is literally made of dirt and you bathe in a hollowed-out bison skull and burn buffalo chips for heat.
In a nutshell, if the National Guard isn’t called in, your ass is going to school in the Fargo-Moorhead area.