Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

In Honor Of Humpday, Defense Dept Introduces An Old/New Military Weapon

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The Zumbooruk is a mobile cannon shot from the back of a camel.

Zumbrota, MN – Cleverly being introduced on Humpday, the U.S. Military is proud to unveil one of its newest weapons to be used in conquering the world.

It is called the Zumbooruk which is a cannon shot from the back of a one-humped camel.

Even tho this idea has been around for centuries, secret military research and testing has spent billions developing this new state-of-the-art weaponry.

Due to a dearth of camels in the United States, all of the camels from zoos across the country (including Fargo’s Red River Zoo) will be called up for military duty and fitted with their very own Zumbooruk. 

Fargo Singing Group To Perform On Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show

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Six Jumpy Biscuits has been asked to sing on The Tonight Show!

Fargo, ND – A very popular singing group from Fargo called Six Jumpy Biscuits will soon be performing on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

Mr. Fallon discovered the group by accident when he literally ran them over with his vehicle while staying in Fargo recently in order to visit Moorhead’s famous super haunted house that Billy Bob bought.

FM Observer: How would you describe your music?

Six Jumpy Biscuits: We wouldn’t want to try, but others whom we trust as far as we can throw have said our music sounds like we’re somewhat barber shop quartetish, cleverly combined with solemn monk chanting and dreamy trip-hop.

FM Observer: Are you nervous to perform on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show?

Six Jumpy Biscuits: No, not nervous, but maybe a bit jumpy. We’ve heard that Jimmy Fallon is perhaps the one who is rather nervous for our appearance on his show.

FM Observer: Do you have any advice for other young biscuits?

Six Jumpy Biscuits: Yes!

Trump To Use LGBTQ To Make America Great Again

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LGBTQ helping to make America great again!

Lazear, CO – In an effort to keep his promise to make American great again, President Trump will be using the LGBTQ for military weapons testing.

As we all know, L.G.B.T.Q. stands for Laser Guided Bomb Testing Quadrants.

These are special areas set aside by the federal government for testing the latest new secret laser-guided bomb technologies which can be used to shoot anything from anywhere with perfect pinpoint accuracy.

Working in conjuction with the U.S. Military on this impotent project are the two leading companies in the laser technology field: The Raytheon Company and The Gaytheon Company.

President Trump tweeted: “I’d like to thank all the members of the LGBTQ community for developing these new laser guided bomb technologies and testing them in these designated testing quadrants some of which will be strategically located near the home districts of some of my Democrat friends in Congress.”

Moorhead Hoarder Finds Dead Husband Buried Under Tons Of Junk

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I thought maby my husband had left me until I found him buried underneath some piles of things I wanted to hold on to for awhile.

Moorhead, MN – The Department of Health and Human Services is reporting that a woman who wishes to remain anonymous recently found her deceased husband under some of her belongings.

Agnes Elhart of 1313 Hoarder Drive in Moorhead now wonders “why would Clarence have been crawling around underneath my newspaper collection?”

Agnes further ponders: “Maby he was trying to hide from me after that one argument we had about what items to perhaps purge?”

A hoarder specialist working the case sadly wrote: “It is more likely that some of the mountainous pile of endless crap fell on the poor guy and ol’ Clarence was buried alive, until he wasn’t.”

Man Hit By Train In Stable Condition While Recovering At The Morgue

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Even tho you’re on the right track, you may be going the wrong direction. –Bob Dylan

Moorhead, MN – Police report that a man was hit by a train in Moorhead early this morning.

Officer Tarin Starck believes that 1. either the man did not know where he was walking, or 2. he knew but did not know a train was coming, or 3. he knew but thought he could jump out of the way, or 4. he for some reason could not jump from the tracks at the last minute, or 5. he had no plans to jump out of the way in the first place.

Luckily the man who was hit by a train in Moorhead is reported to be in stable condition while recovering nicely at the county morgue.

Ironically, all the letters in Tarin Starck can be re-arranged to spell: Train Tracks!

FMO Hiring Day Will Be A Week From Next Month

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We want to hire you but can only hire a few to add to our great crew and bring some blood that’s new.

West Fargo, ND – Yes, once again it’s almost Hiring Day at the FM Observer!

Because we’ve lost some impotent associates during this last hectically wonderful year, we’ll be looking to fill some key vacancies in our team line-up, including:

Assistant Vice President, Assistant to the Vice President, Rogue Reporter #2, Field Reporter #3, Head Sous Chef, Numerologist, Executive Psychic, Domestic Engineer, Drone Specialist, Press Secretariat, Safety Council Chairman, Assistant Paralegologist, Research Coordinator, Verbal Judo Bouncer, and Dog Whisperer.

Benefits of joining the FMO Team:
1. Free doggy daycare.
2. No pay and no bonuses.
3. Non-flexible schedules.
4. Team meeting inclusion.
5. No healthcare insurance.
6. Self Esteem booster shots.
7. Free coffee from 5:30-6:00 AM.
8. Focus and Purpose to your life.
9. English as a first language classes.
10. Joy from having found your Last Job.

Fargo Bar Fight Begins After Man Asks Another To Borrow His Toogit

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Hey buddy, do you mind if I borrow your toogit? What the hell did you just ask me?!

Fargo, ND – In what could have been because of a possible misunderstanding, a bar fight broke out last night in a downtown Fargo bar after one man seemingly innocently asked a stranger if he could borrow the other man’s toogit.

Things quickly escalated to the point where push came to shove followed by the obligatory punches to the face.

Police officers on the scene talking to eye-witnesses later determined that the whole thing started due to a simple lack of understanding regarding what is a toogit.

Misunderstanding quickly escalated to perceived disrespect followed by the obligatory pummeling all because of a toogit.

FMO Interviews United Airlines CEO Oscar Muñoz

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“Voluntary” now means you get forcibly bumped and dragged off a plane in a bloody mess.

Chicago, IL – Our on-the-spot field agent reporter in Chicago is Zurdly Zervative who just happened to file this timely interview with the CEO of United Airlines after they forcibly removed a fully paid passenger from his seat for not voluntarily giving up his seat to Louisville because the flight was overbooked.

FM Observer: Is overbooking a problem for United Airlines and if so what can be done about it?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: Yes it is. We are asking for less people to fly United Airlines so that overbooking is not such a problem for us which then might lead to less instances where we have to forcibly bump and drag paid customers off a plane in bloody daylight.

FM Observer: So is “Bump & Drag” your new policy and slogan?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: Yes. Bump & Drag is our new official slogan and policy. It has long been our unofficial slogan and policy but now we are simply making it official, if you will.

FM Observer: Is it truly random how you pick which passenger(s) must voluntarily be forcibly removed while getting bloodied up in front of a planeful of gawking onlookers?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: We say it is random but actually we just pick which person(s) we don’t like the most based on a number of “parameters” which our attorneys remind me that I should not mention here.

FM Observer: Do you see this latest incident possibully hurting United Airlines and even you personally?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: No. I think some people with twisted minds who may perhaps enjoy being forcibly bumped and dragged off an overbooked plane might actually increase our business once the word gets around that we do not-so-randomly bump and drag paid customers off a plane while bloodying them up in the process.

FM Observer: Theoretically, looking back on what happened and how it was handled later, would you do now what you did then if you knew then what you know now?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: Everything I did then I would do again if I knew then what I know now except I might change what happened initially and also my stupid insensitive comments about it afterwards, theoretically.

FM Observer: Any reason why the United Airlines headquarters is located on Wacker Drive?

CEO Oscar Muñoz: Thanks, but you do not want to know the answer to that question. And I’m sorry but it looks like we have another bloody incident here that I must try to cover up.

Playing Slot Machines Good For Health

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Each hour spent playing slot machines doubles-down the health benefits.

Jackpot, Nevada – A new comprehensive study by casinos shows that there are numerous health benefits associated with playing slot machines.

Essentially, the more time spent playing slot machines, the healthier (and sometimes wealthier) you become.

Doctor Simon Cleath who conducted the study for the casino industry says the results were somewhat surprising.

“We knew that playing slot machines was good for your health but just did not know to what extent,” Simon says.

Documentation shows that everything from blood pressure, to heart health, to cholesterol, to stress and nervous tension show marked improvements when comparing slot machine players to people in placebo groups such as prisoners, nurses, construction workers, and deployed marines.

So, if you were contemplating hitting the local casino today but were thinking maybe you should go for a nice long walk instead, “pack your bags and gamble all night at the casino, if you want to have fun, win lots of money, and get super healthy at the same time,” Simon says.

Ironically, all the letters in “Simon Cleath” can be re-arranged to spell: Slot Machine.

Fargo Man Demonstrates How To Levitate Using Advanced Meditation Techniques

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Do not try this at home unless you are accompanied by a trained Transcendental Meditator.

Fargo, ND – If you believe in levitation but have never actually witnessed it, or if you would have to see it in order to believe it, then you’re in luck.

Tony Vedic, who grew up in Levita, Texas but who now calls Fargo home, not only can levitate with the best of them, but is willing to put on levitational demonstrational show in his Downtown Fargo apartment for a nominal fee.

As a highly trained Transcendental Meditator known as a Sidha, Tony Vedic has more than mastered the art of Yogic Flying.

Tony in his own words: “I joined the Sidhi Program to become a Sidha which is where I learned how to levitate. By experiencing pure consciousness, a blissful inner freedom manifests itself outwardly in the form of levitation.”

If you would like to experience levitaion first hand, simply contact Tony Vedic to reserve your seat at an upcoming Levitation Demonstration. A mandatory voluntary entry fee of $25 will go to help Tony buy groceries and beer as well as some dogfood for his dog, Biscuits, who can also levitate (for a nominal fee).