Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

Vegas Casinos Ridding Roulette Of Number 23

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Roulette Wheel #23 is the most often hit number.

Roulette’s #23 is the most often hit number.

Las Vegas, NV – Most of the casinos in Las Vegas will soon be removing the number 23 from their Roulette wheels.

Enough people have finally figured out that 23 is the luckiest Roulette number, which is now starting to cause a problem for casinos that offer the game.

Roulette pit boss Lester Morton has been running the Roulette wheel for years and says: “Yeah, there seems to be something special about the number 23, especially around any full moon. The Roulette ball more often than not finds its way to that 23 slot. That’s why Michael Jordan chose that number for his basketball jersey. He knew that 23 was a lucky number.”

If you happen to be at a Las Vegas casino that still offers the 23, and it’s close to a full moon, you might want to give it a try. But don’t mention that you heard it here. In fact, we will soon be removing this post from the FM Observer website.

Burning Ban Does Not Include Throwing Lit Cigarettes Out Car Windows

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What’s the big deal about throwing a burning cigarette butt out a car window during a burning ban?

Fargo, ND – Moderate drought conditions in North Dakota are sparking burning bans to be implemented on both the state and county levels.

The extremely dry conditions due to Global Drying have precipitated government leaders to douse all fire-related activities until further notice.

So, using covered firepits for social gatherings, singing around the campfire, making bonfire s’mores, and controlled burns on windy days are now all considered to be unacceptable activities and could put you in the hot seat.

However, the tossing of burning cigarettes from cars is still an acceptable habit.

All drivers who smoke know that it would be such a disgusting inconvenience to have to put a smoke out in their clean unused ashtrays.

Throwing the last of a hot burning cigarette out the car window has never been considered to be littering or a potential fire hazard, even if it happens to roll off into a ditch full of parched dry brown grasses.

Cliff Uckerson says of this practice: “Yeah, it ain’t no big deal. Once I toss it out the window, it’s gone. I ain’t gunna see it again.”

With strict new burning bans going into place to prevent widespread fire disasters, it would be asking way too much to request that smokers discontinue the ritual of flicking their burning butts out the car window.

Miraculous ElderHaus Magically Cures Whatever Ails You

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ElderHaus to be torn down.

Moorhead, MN – It’s the oldest building in the motley city of Moorhead.

Known as just ElderHaus, everyone who’s ever stayed there claims it has magical powers to rid one’s body and mind of all sorts of ailments and afflictions.

Housemother Rigletta Azmoff has hosted ElderHaus for the last forty years.

“People seeking a cure to a wide range of physical and mental problems need only spend one night sleeping in ElderHaus. They usually pay whatever they can afford. Guests then simply go to bed and wake up feeling 100% fantastic! I’ve seen ElderHaus help with everything from Assburger Syndrome to Phlebitis.”

Unfortunately, ElderHaus will have to be demolished later this year due to a legal loophole in the Unaffordable Care Act.

Federal Regulator Ivan Nashtikov admits it’s too bad that the old building has to be razed but “the law’s the law.”

Fargo Starts New Program To Help Juveniles Avoid Jail

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Persuasion through Dissuasion

Fargo, ND – With the upwardly mobile trend of crime in Fargo due to Global Fracking, a new program is being started to dissuade area youth from landing themselves in jail and prison.

The program is called Incarcerational Detention Improves Obstinate Teenagers (or IDIOT).

Troubled teenagers who are heading in the “wrong direction” will hava chance to tangibly experience real-life jail living while wearing a bright pink uniform labeled IDIOT.

Nominations for participation in the IDIOT program can come from parents, teachers, police, or even anonymously.

Program enrollees will get to spend anywhere from 1-6 nights in jail depending on the roll of a dice. Program Director Jack Hammer believes: “By rolling a dice to determine the length of their stay, they begin to learn they’re no longer in control.”

Before graduating from the IDIOT program, each misguided youth will learn how to do laundry, sleep with the lights on, make their beds, make other’s beds, exercise upon waking, appreciate jail food, exist without television and smartphones, and be respectful of authority.

The New West Fargo Recycling Bins Are The Size Of A Hot Tub

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“It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s gigantic!”

West Fargo, ND – The new West Fargo recycling bins were delivered this last week. Obviously recycling is a good thing that everyone should be doing. But the size of these new recycling bins has many residents dumbfounded. Ours stands almost four feet tall, about two feet wide, and about a yard deep. Its outside dimensions put it at taking up roughly 23 square feet of garage space. It’s as high as our Honda Civic. So, just the size of it seems to be a problem, since they’re about the size of a refrigerator.

Residents are to put all recyclable materials in them including paper, newspapers, and cardboard, with nothing in plastic bags. I can just imagine what’s going to happen on one of their bi-weekly pickup days if there’s any sort of significant wind. If the wind is blowing from the West, the City of Fargo can expect a ton of loose paper to be blowing in from West Fargo.

At our home, since we’ve already been manually recycling for years, we don’t really need to keep our new giant mega-bin for its intended purpose. Since it’s large enough to sit in, I might fill ours with hot water and use it as a hot tub and maybe pull the top lid down for that authentic steam room effect. Since it has wheels, anyone with children or pets could use it as a fun wagon. Get everyone inside and pull them around the neighborhood for a co-mingled fun tour. Who wants to go on a Fun Tour? I do! I do!

FM Observer Donates Million Dollar Painting To Help Save Fargo’s Horse Park

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“Where The Horses Graze” by Amsterdam Douglass

West Fargo, ND – In a singular Herculean effort to raise money for the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park which has been hounded by special assessment fees and unpaid property taxes, the FM Observer has decided to donate a million dollar painting created by our very own Amsterdam Douglass in order to: 1. Help raise awareness of the financial problems that Fargo’s Horse Park has been having since its inception, and 2. To kick start a Fund Razor which would help raise funds to help kick start another subsequent Official Fund Razor which will be called Just Hold Your Horses.

Naturally, the first Fund Razor will be called The FM Observer To The Rescue To Help Save The Struggling North Dakota Horse Park In Fargo Fund Razor.

Most of the money raised in this initial Fund Razor would go toward: 1. Getting Fund Razor #2 off the ground, and 2. Trying to reach the ultimate goal of getting the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park in Fargo 1. Out of the doldrums, and 2. Back on track toward providing clean family fun where youngsters of all ages can learn the joy of betting on horse races, in order to prepare themselves for a lifetime of profitable gambling enjoyment.

If you would like to Meet & Greet the soon-to-be-famous Amsterdam Douglass and ask him questions about his million dollar painting, which is being donated to Fund Razor #1, simply show up, down by the Red River, under the Main Avenue bridge (which connects Fargo to Moorhead), about an hour after sunset, on any Friday night.

Large Sinkhole Creates New Minnesota Lake: Lots Selling Quickly

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Minnesota: The Land Of 10,001 Lakes

Sinkhole, MN – After a large sinkhole unexpectedly created a new lake in Northern Minisoda, realtors are wasting no time selling front row seats to the new gem.

The sinkhole, which is approximately 166 feet deep, naturally filled with early melting Spring snow due to Global Warming.

Geologist Marc Richlander: “It is rare that we get to witness what normally takes a million geological years to happen, and see it all unfold in a matter of mere weeks.”

Realtor Paddy Swanson: “Yes, we’ve already sold zero lots on the new Sinkhole Lake and are expecting to sell a lot more!”

Minnesota DNR Field Commander: “We are hoping to get Sinkhole Lake stocked with fish and zebra mussels as soon as possible.”

Downtown Fargo Parking Sucks: No Plans To Fix

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"Part of the allure of coming to downtown Fargo is the parking problem."

“Part of the allure of coming to downtown Fargo is the parking problem.”

Fargo, ND – It is not a big secret that the parking situation in downtown Fargo is a problem. Just try meeting someone for lunch downtown and driving around attempting to find a suitable place to park that’s relatively close to your destination. “Sorry I’m late. Couldn’t find a place to park!”

What might be a surprise to most is that there are no plans to solve the problem.

City Planner Merv Schlekler opines: “It’s been this way for so long that people have gotten used to it. Even going way back to when Fargo was called Centralia, parking your car or your horse was never easy.”

Many ideas have been brainstormed as to how Fargo City Officials could perhaps solve the problem, but one by one, they have all ended up in the circular file.

The parking “problem” in Downtown Fargo is here to stay, and is being downgraded to an “irritation”. This way, those little golf cart cops can continue blocking the roads while ticketing as many vehicles as possible to provide Fargo an endless stream of cash flow, all by design.

Renters Complaining About Clogged Plumbing Get Told By Landlord To Go Screw Themselves

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Who you going to call? ClogBusters!

Who you going to call? ClogBusters!

Moorhead, MN – When renters Norm and Nikki Waite politely mentioned to their landlord that their sinks and toilets were all backed up, the responses they got were not what they expected.

Their landlord’s first response was to ask if they’d ever heard of a plunger?

After saying they’d tried that and it actually had made things worse, their landlord, Mr. Omar Assfaha, told them to “go buy a screwdriver and screw themselves” if they wanted the problem fixed so badly.

Rather than moving out, the Waites have decided to not pay rent until their problems have been fixed.

Until that happens, they’ve had a Potty Shack® portable toilet placed in their living room.

If you are having a similar such problem, please contact Ms. Shirley Wiggins, Director of our Class Action Lawsuit Department to discuss your options.

FMO Restaurant Review: Grand Porks

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This little piggy went to market.

Fargo, ND – Today we are reviewing a restaurant called Grand Porks. Porks is new to the Fargo area but, not surprisingly, originated in Grand Forks. Since we were both quite hungry, Nick and I decided to review this restaurant together. In order to not be recognized when we walked in, we chose to wear trench coats and aviator sunglasses for the duration of our visit.

John: After pulling into the parking lot of the Grand Porks restaurant, we parked with no problem, but valet parking would have been nice. We walked in separately so as to not cause suspicion that we were two people from a satirical news agency there to do a restaurant review. I asked for a booth in the back of the restaurant and Nick then cleverly asked for a table near the front.

Nick: Upon entering the establishment, we were immediately accosted by a gigantic man dressed in an inflatable pig costume. He blurted out through his bubbly pig helmet “Welcome to Grand Porks, thanks for PIGGING OUT with us!!” then handed us each a 10% off coupon. We were both taken aback by this but there was no time to react as we were being hastily ushered to our respective tables by the hostess. This experience was equal parts troubling and panic-inducing. ★★✩✩✩

John: En route to my back corner booth, I noticed an odd sign on the restroom door: “UniSex Bathroom. One Size Fits All.” In general, this restaurant seemed friendly, dark, and warm, which could have been because I was wearing sunglasses and a trench coat. As I sat down, the hostess handed me an attractive menu showing mostly pictures and prices. While she was filling my water glass, I asked for an appetizer recommendation to which she replied: “Why don’t you try the tickled pork belly nuggets-on-a-stick served with our famous porky jerk sauce?”, to which I replied: “Yes! Why don’t I?!”

Nick:  My waitress was an attentive 20-something from Granville, ND. A marketing major at NDSU. Although young, I could instantly tell she possessed a lifetime of experience. How did I make this conclusion so early on? Well, my first test for Grand Porks was to order a double-tall whiskey coke, no ice, no coke followed by the statement “I’ve had a rough day–time to get completely shitblasted!” just to see the server’s reaction. She handled my request with style and grace and without question. This is how I knew my dining experience would likely turn out to be a positive one. ★★★★★

John: My appetizer arrived as expected, and I attentively consumed it. T’was quite good. I ordered a different appetizer, and ate that too – also not bad. Then I ordered three random dinner entrees, since I was basically eating “for free”. They arrived. I ate them all. “What’s for dessert, I asked?” She replied: “How about a pork pound cake?” I ate that too. This is when I began watching the UniSex restroom door, for when there might be an upcoming vacancy, just in case anything I’d recently eaten didn’t fully agree with me, which it didn’t.

Nick: The dinner menu was, itself, a sight to behold. Who knew there could be such a plethora of pork permutations? I took the liberty of jotting down a few of my entrees:

  • Pork Tornado– An 8-inch fried corn tortilla shaped like a funnel, filled to the brim with carnitas, ham slop and bacon bits.
  • The Mighty Hambone– A completely un-butchered pig spine beer-battered with a 16-month old case of Michelob AmberBock®, then deep-fried.
  • Frizzle Fry Head Cheese– Head cheese as only Grand Porks can prepare it! Lightly tossed head marinated in a vegetable oil/olive oil/motor oil conglomeration, then broiled in a below-ground smoker amidst periodic sprinkles of hog sweat. Served with a side of aus jus.

Primus-Frizzle_FryI made no hesitation in ordering the Frizzle Fry, among many other entrees. It came, as requested, eyeballs intact and with visible canine incisors. It was an absolute delight. ★★★★★

John: I was feeling happily full to the gills, barely able to move toward the UniSex bathroom. While laying back in my rear corner booth, I could see Nick up front, obviously quite pork-drunk, sitting at a table near the entrance. He was trying to reach out and grab anyone who walked within six feet of his pork-covered table. It was at this moment that I knew this restaurant was a winner. During the last two hours, it had passed every test we threw at it. On a scale of 1-5, I’d have to give it 5 Pigs, which is what I told my server just before I started trying to explain to her that my meal was to be free because we were writing a serious restaurant review for a very prestigious local satirical fake news website.

Nick: Final numbers for our trip to Grand Porks:

Entrees devoured: 8.75

Double-tall drinks imbibed: 7.5

Hours spent: 4.25

Trips to the UniSex: 16

Verbal reprimands from Porks staff: 4

Dollars spent: $197

Likelihood of return: 9.4

Overall rating: ★★★★✩