Category Archives: Entertainment

Andrew WK To Give Up Partying For Lent

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None of this until Easter.

Palo Alto, CA – The Observer has learned, via a tweet posted on Facebook via a StumbleUpon to Reddit cross-post, that famous party animal Andrew WK has formally given up partying for lent.

During the next 39 or so days, WK will completely refrain from gesticulating, gyrating, jumping and juke-jiving among other notable acts also known as “partying”.

WK’s publicist, via reply to a contact form email sent from a web server embedded mail relay forwarder, confirmed that “Yes, Andrew wore the ash yesterday and swore off partying. He said he’s not partying for even one second–no headbanging or rocking–for the duration of the Lenten holiday. The rest of you can party on.”

It is not known whether or not WK’s partying restriction is self-imposed or if he’s under a strict doctor’s order to not jostle his torso under fear of irreparable damage to the vertebrae.

Horoscopes For The Week Of September 25, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
It will be difficult to verbalize what you’re feeling later this week, especially tied to that chair with duct tape over your mouth.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Against their better judgement, the stars have decided to just sit back, grab some popcorn, and watch your Bedroom Beehive idea claim its rightful place in the annals of natural selection.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The rise of Venus suggests that you will soon cross paths with a forgotten love, so keep your eyes peeled for the familiar sparkle of that Strawberry Hill Boone’s Farm bottle.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
An inexplicable crop circle will leave you with a lot of questions. Fortunately, a Scientology recruiter on a riding mower will have all the answers.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Being a Leo has never seemed particularly advantageous, but when you accidentally stumble into that DiCaprioLand wormhole on Tuesday, the true benefits will be rather amazing.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Sorry, kiddo. You got the gift, but it looks like you’re waiting for something. Hey, what the? Dang it! Somebody call security and tell them the Oracle snuck in here again…

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
A whimsical mood will overtake you later this week. Oops, instead of “whimsical mood” the stars meant to say “giant cloud of locusts”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Squirreling away some extra money would be wise this week, although with your facial features, chipmunking it away might come more naturally.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your curious nature will lead to a terrible discovery when you realize too late that zoo officials are seriously done rescuing stupid people from the Polar Bear exhibit.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The stars calculate that, in dog years, your maturity level finally makes mathematical sense.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
On your commute home tonight, take time to appreciate your favorite song, because starting tomorrow you won’t be able to listen to it without reliving the trauma of “the kitten crossing incident”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
The shifting sands of time will trigger a powerful change in your life, specifically when your house gets swallowed up by that sinkhole on Thursday.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of May 8, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Careful planning and attention to detail will be important as you undertake a new challenge, because mastering that “Crushed Glass and Arsenic Brownies” recipe is going to be a little tricky.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
A surprise visit from your half-brother will yield some confusing information later this week, mostly because you’re unaware that your dad has a second family in upstate New York and you have a half-brother named Karl.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The stars are currently unavailable as they are partying like it’s 1999 to celebrate the arrival of their all-time favorite Gemini, Prince Rogers Nelson. Auto Reply: In this life, things are much harder than the afterworld. In this life, you’re on your own.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Things should really start looking up this week. Correction: You should really start looking up this week. In your selfies.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The presence of Mars in your Sun house suggests that brighter days are ahead, which will be followed by even brighter days, then blindingly bright days, and finally, the apocalypse.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Last week, the stars agreed that taking that long-overdue vacation could be just what you need this month, Virgo. However, your idea to book your stay at The Stumble On Inn is making them reconsider their position.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your lucky numbers this week are 0101010101. Yeah, if you’re Bill Gates! Psych!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
A heart-to-heart talk with a trusted friend could help you see things more clearly, although your extreme paranoia will, once again, completely derail that possibility.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your outgoing personality will help you land a lucrative server position at Red Lobster this week. However, you will find that yelling “You Can’t Handle The Booth!” at customers won’t go over any better there than it did at Applebee’s.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The world is your oyster, Capricorn! Also, that oyster is in the path of a very large oil tanker whose captain is about halfway through a fifth of Jim Beam.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your lifelong practice of repressing your emotions will prove to be both a blessing and a curse this week, minus the blessing part.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
The stars want to remind you that all things happen for a reason, although to be fair, the reason you’re about to have the most bizarre and disturbing week of your life has more to do with the Universe being just plain bored than anything else.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of April 8, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An incriminating secret from your past will bubble to the surface, forcing you to admit that using Alka Seltzer tablets to weigh down that body in the river was definitely your second biggest mistake last weekend.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Communication will be imperative to your survival this week. Specifically, the ability to communicate with wolves, vampires, and the undead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A new moon in Aries suggests that, if your Grandpa were here, he’d probably say, “Whadda they need a new moon for? Well, that’s just horseshit manufacturing. Goddamn cut-rate galaxies, they sure don’t make moons like they used to.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
The hiring of a new employee will lighten your workload considerably, especially when he helps you move all your personal possessions out of his new office.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The presence of Venus signifies that affairs of the heart will take center stage this week. Unfortunately, the affairs of your liver, pancreas and gall bladder are poised to steal the spotlight in a rather traumatic way.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will encounter an unexpected fork in the road next weekend, but what will be of much greater concern is that Satan is holding it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
As the sun aligns with Jupiter, your creative side heats up this week, which should make it slightly less painful when your right brain spontaneously combusts on Thursday.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Your wandering eye will once again lead you on a wild chase this weekend, so it’s probably time to consider buying it one of those retratctable leashes and start teaching it some basic commands.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
While all Saggitarius…er, Saggitariuses, um, Saggitarisuses…Oh good grief. Alexa, what the hell do you call more than one Saggitarius?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
Good old trial and error will lead to the surprising discovery that Pinot Grigio, in your opinion, pairs best with divorce papers.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
The stars hate to burst your bubble, Aquarius, but your dream of becoming filthy rich will be dashed this week when you realize that you’re not really invested in a super cool Fonzie scheme after all.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
As Mercury comes into view, your logical side will take over on Monday. Although, the fact that you’ll have been in detox for 24 hours by then may have more to do with it. The stars can only speculate.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of March 27, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An exciting new relationship begins to take shape this week, and even with your diminished lung capacity you should have that doll fully blown up by Thursday at the latest.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The rise of Saturn will give you the power to tackle an unresolved emotional issue this week. Translation: No one can force you to bite the heads off those yellow marshmallow Peeps this Easter. You’re an adult. Breathe, Taurus, breathe.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A Pleiadian, an Arcturian and a priest walk into a bar…**session timeout** Um, it seems the stars have hit the moonshine a wee bit early today. The Universe sends its apologies.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
The arrival of Spring will foster a renewed hope for the future, which should last a few blissful days before the present stomps it out again with Godzilla force on Wednesday.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars advise that if at first you don’t succeed, try try again. But then you should probably stop trying, because eating two 72 oz. Porterhouses in 30 minutes is already pushing the limits of the human intestinal system.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Your love life will get an interesting jolt this week when you accidentally leave that taser under your pillow.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your leadership skills will be put to the test next weekend when panic grows within the group. Fortunately, your booming voice and ability to follow arrows will get you all out of IKEA safely.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
As Mars descends, you may begin to feel an ominous presence in your life. Oops, instead of “Mars” the stars meant to say “that rapidly deflating Goodyear blimp above your house”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your lucky numbers this week are Luke 24:2-3. Wait, those are Jesus’ lucky numbers, and this is a really old horoscope.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
As Capricorn’s planetary energy surges this week, a feeling of restlessness will take hold. Well, not so much restlessness as agitation. Let’s call it intense irritation. Okay, look, it’s going to be rage. Unadulterated rage. Hold on tight.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
The stars are reminding you that all good things must come to an end. As such, you will come to the unfortunate realization that naming your new kitten Mr. Goodthing was probably not one of your best ideas.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Although it may seem like your social circle has been shrinking lately, take heart: a busload of fresh inmates is scheduled to arrive on Tuesday. So hey, chin up, buckaroo.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of March 13, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An interesting series of events will take your personal life to a new level this week. Unfortunately, you will learn that counselors refer to it as “rock bottom”.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The strong pull of Venus suggests that the tables are about to turn in a most unexpected way, as are the chairs, the sofa, and everything else that isn’t bolted down.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
This week will be full of distractions, so stay focused on the task at hand. It will be well worth it when you finally become Whack-A-Mole champ and take home that awesome Chuck E. Cheese t-shirt.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You will meet that special someone you’ve been searching for at Tuesday’s Mime Convention, but alas, although he is a master of invisible ropes, he just cannot figure out how to get out of that invisible box.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
An adjustment to your planetary alignment indicates that Jupiter must be back at Many Moons Chiropractic for those nagging lumbar issues.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The stars advise that the answers to your questions this week are: 1.)No, that is not a good idea, and 2.)Because you’re not Tyler Derden.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your week may become stressful as you will have a lot on your plate, but take heart: it’s mostly comfort food, which is pretty much your go-to stress reliever.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
You will finally discover the key to happiness, although ripping it out of that leprauchan’s tiny hands will be trickier than you think. Oh, and also, you’re getting low on “magic” brownies.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You’ll want to exercise restraint this week when dealing with a coworker, so make sure you keep that handcuff key nearby at all times.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
If it feels as though your life has become one excrutiating, redundant narrative pandering to the lowest common denominators in our society, the stars suggest that the easiest solution to your plight is simply turning off CNN.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your lucky numbers this week are “I Could Have Danced All Night” and “Broadway Baby”. Trust the stars, when midnight rolls around at Fabulous Gary’s Cocktail Lounge on Saturday night, you’ll understand.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
A trip to the dog park will prove what your friends have been telling you for days: There’s a very good reason that bacon necklaces aren’t a thing.

Past horoscopes

FMO’s Final Interview With David Bowie

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David Bowie

David Robert Jones (January 8, 1947 – January 10, 2016)

Manhattan, NY – Here is a portion of the FM Observer’s final interview with David Bowie:

FMO: Would you describe yourself as a serious kind of guy?
David Bowie: I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

FMO: What is the quality you most like in a man?
David Bowie: The ability to return books.

FMO: What would be one of your favorite books?
David Bowie: Don’t you love the Oxford Dictionary? When I first read it, I thought it was a really really long poem about everything.

FMO: Do you think society has changed since your Ziggy Stardust days?
David Bowie: People are so fucking dumb. Nobody reads anymore, nobody goes out and looks and explores the society and culture they were brought up in. People have attention spans of five seconds and as much depth as a glass of water.

FMO: Do you speak any foreign languages?
David Bowie: I can ask for cigarettes in every language.

FMO: Did you have any tricks for writing songs?
David Bowie: When I’m stuck for a closing to a lyric, I will drag out my last resort: overwhelming illogic.

FMO: Is there any kind of music that doesn’t seem to jive with your personality?
David Bowie: Funk, I don’t think I have anything to do with funk. I’ve never considered myself funky.

FMO: What would you say is one of your biggest pet peeves?
David Bowie: I’ve never responded well to entrenched negative thinking.

FMO: What are your thoughts on religion?
David Bowie: Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve been there.

FMO: Has aging taught you any lessons?
David Bowie: As you get older, the questions come down to about two or three. How long? And what do I do with the time I’ve got left?

FMO: What are your thoughts on life and death?
David Bowie: Confront a corpse at least once. The absolute absence of life is the most disturbing and challenging confrontation you will ever have.

FMO: Do you have any plans for the after-life?
David Bowie: I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.

Horoscopes For The Week Of February 26, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
The stars acknowledge that you’re seeing some real benefits from taking Yoga classes, though the truth is, it’s actually your moral flexibility that concerns them the most.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
As Mars dips in its orbit, it’s time to address the universe’s larger problems of failing time-space infrastructure, intergalactic corruption, rampant wormholes, and the greedy top 1% of Planetary Elites! Paid for by friends of Bernie Sanders.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
You will feel the weight of the world on your shoulders this week, which indicates that it may be time to address some of the inherent flaws in your “Piggy-Back Uber” business model.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
You’ll have plenty of time to ponder how anyone ever killed two birds with one stone while that therapist works on your dislocated shoulder later this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars are warning you that practical jokes involving horseradish never, ever end in laughter.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Although you will succumb to a dangerous temptation, things will be fine after Gollum bites that ring off your finger and falls to a fiery death in the lava of Mount Doom. Whew, you had the stars pretty nervous for a minute there, Virgo!

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
You can take comfort in the idea that most people you know would choose you to join them on a desert island. Although it’s mostly because your soft, pasty skin would make perfect fish bait.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
While aging can be a difficult part of life, the stars predict that your unbelievable clumsiness will spare you at least that one particular difficulty.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your lucky numbers this week are B5, N33, and G8. **Alert** It appears that the Dark Moon Daubers have hacked your horoscope reading for the week of 2/26/16. Please disregard, and avoid bingo palaces until further notice.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The color red is looming very large in your Galactic Karma Center. Yeah, sorry, there’s just blood everywhere, friend. No way around it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then you’ve clearly got a much bigger water problem in your basement than you previously thought.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
While burning the candle at both ends has been fun, you’re about to realize why most people don’t buy their candles at Darryl’s Load ‘Em & Light ‘Em Warehouse.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of February 4, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Take time to really enjoy the first half of your Superbowl party this weekend. It will become a cherished memory of how good your life was before “The Buffalo Wing Catastrophe” changed everything.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Solar flares in your Eastern Hemisphere suggest that the Sun is, once again **sigh**, determined to be a total douche this week.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The appearance of Mercury and Saturn will dramatically alter the direction of your life, as will the appearance of Nissan, Chevrolet and unfortunately, Peterbilt.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Try to remain open-minded this week when a friend suggests doing something outside your comfort zone. It’ll be quite liberating for those few minutes before you realize your friend is off his meds again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Your love life heats up this week, and continues to trend that way for the foreseeable future. Oops, the stars are clarifying that instead of “your love life” they meant to say “Antarctica”.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Luck will be on your side in real estate this week, especially when you buy up all those undervalued Railroads and build that swanky hotel on Park Place. Nice work, Top Hat.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
The presence of Neptune in your third house indicates that, although it may seem rude, you probably need to excuse yourself and get to the surface for some air.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
When the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers face off in Sunday’s Superbowl, the stars predict that somehow, some way, the game will end with the Green Bay Packers winning on a Hail Mary play.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
While the saying goes that “there is more than one way to skin a cat”, the universe strongly advises that you discontinue your endeavor to learn them all.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
This week is poised to teach you the difficult and painful lesson that although ignorance is bliss, it is also way, waaaaay stupid.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
A slip of the tongue will leave you in a vulnerable position, and you’ll be stuck wondering what kind of sadist would hang a lollipop so close to a frozen metal pole.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
When booking a flight this week, you’d be wise to inquire if the airline charges additional fees for emotional baggage. Because whoa, Pisces, that could get hella spendy.

Past horoscopes

Vin Diesel To Donate 4,000-Gallon Collection Of Distilled Tears To Flint, MI

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Genuine heart

Genuine heart 

Distilled-Water1

Not happy tears

Hollywood, CA – Contrary to what we all had thought, acclaimed movie badass and feared megaman Vin Diesel isn’t 100% ferocious. 

No! Upon hearing of the Flint water crisis, he’s taken the call to donate to this long-term need. Diesel will be sending them his 4,000-gallon repository of cried human tears.

He keeps a huge stock of distilled tears on hand that keep him “lit”. 

“Sadness tears give me that edge. They get drank [sic] before a lift or a shoot,” Diesel growled in between bites of raw tiger meat. “So i’ll give ’em to Flint.”

When asked where the heck he got 4,000 gallons of distilled tears, Diesel vehemently denied harvesting them. Instead, he claims, he gets them from an anonymous source in Dubai. “Flint can have what I got. I’ll just get more.”