Category Archives: Sports

Jim Nantz Receives Sportscasters Guild Perseverance Award For Putting Up With Phil Simms

Consistently great during times of trial.

Consistently great during times of trial.

Los Angeles, CA – The Sportscasters Guild of America held its annual awards ceremony late yesterday. The highlight of the evening (and of every SGA awards show) was the handing out of the coveted Perseverance Award. This is given to the one sportscaster who demonstrates an impressive catalog of broadcast excellence in the face of adversity during the calendar year.

For putting up with Phil Simms twice a week for 10 consecutive NFL regular season telecasts, Jim Nantz was unanimously voted the 2015 recipient.

“Hello friends,” Nantz said as he accepted this prestigious honor, “Jim Nantz with you here on this fine Sunday evening. I’d like to dedicate this award to my partner Phil Simms who just a few hours ago made a handful of illustrated points using nothingspeak and uttered the phrase ‘Well, we talked about this Jeem’ repeatedly, ad nauseum. Couldn’t have done it without you, partner.”

2015 marks the 17th consecutive year Jim Nantz has received this award.

Hundreds Of Misguided Bison Fans Mistakenly Went To San Francisco

Are you saying the Bison championship football game isn't in San Francisco?

Are you saying the Bison championship football game isn’t in San Francisco?

San Francisco, CA – Some Bison football fans taking buses to the Big Game in Frisco ended up taking a very wrong turn.

A convoy of four buses full of Bison fans had gotten as far as Omaha, Nebraska when one of the bus drivers was chatting with a trucker at a truck stop during a smoke break.

“Where yawl headed?” asked the trucker.

“Taking these fine Fargo folks to Frisco!” the head bus driver answered.

“Well, there’s Interstate 80. That will take yawl straight to Frisco!” said the trucker.

“OK, thanks” the bus driver responded, as they both stomped out their cigarettes.

Unfortunately the trucker supposedly thought they were going to San Francisco instead of Frisco, Texas.

Many miles later, the convoy of four busloads of singing Bison fans pulled into San Fransicso, California.

They’re now all riding the San Francisco cable cars asking everyone “Where are the Bison? Where’s the big game?!”

It turns out that the trucker back in Omaha who gave them wrong directions attended Illinois State University. He knew that all those Bison fans were trying to get to Frisco, Texas to cheer the Bison on to their 4th straight National Championship.

Moral of the story: Never take directions from a Redbird.

Going South? Then you need to travel West!

Going South? Well then, you need to travel straight West for about a thousand miles!

FMO To Sponsor Fargo Senior Citizen Soccer Team

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Super Senior Soccer!

Fargo, ND – With the days already starting to get longer, the FM Observer is excited to announce that it will be sponsoring a Summer Super Senior Citizen Soccer Team called the Fargo Flash.

Team members need to be 80+ years of age and also must be able to pass a physical test made up of various soccer drills and special challenges.

The Fargo Flash will play against other regional teams such as the Sioux Falls Dominators and the Bemidji Blue Oxen.

If you are interested in trying out for the Fargo Flash, try to get in shape by April when the team members will be selected. Cheerleaders will also be chosen at this time, along with numerous Emergency Medical Technician staff members.

Think Spring! Think Soccer! Think Super Senior Summer Soccer!

Go Fargo! Go Flash! Go Fargo Flash!

Ray Rice Challenges Any Woman To Fight Him In An Elevator

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“I know I can beat you and I will defeat you”, rhymes Ray Rice

Baltimore, Maryland – Short on cash since he was banned from football, Ray Rice has challenged any woman to fight him in a casino elevator.

The former Baltimore Ravens running back says he is not afraid to fight any woman in an elevator, just as Andy Kaufman bravely dared to fight any woman in the Professional Wrestling ring.

To help raise some needed money for the unemployed football player, these events will be shown live on a Pay-Per-View Channel via hidden elevator security cameras.

Interspersed throughout the broadcast, Ray Rice will be shown doing some taped cooking segments in which he will demonstrate 1. how to beat the crap out of eggs for the perfect omelette, 2. how to tenderize meat by pounding the hell out of it, and 3. how to whip cream real fast.

NFL Reveals Diagnosis to Peyton Manning

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One of Manning’s tics called “Fishing”

After keeping the diagnosis under wraps for nearly a decade the NFL finally told Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning he has Tourette’s syndrome.

The league’s biggest secret was first discovered in 2005 when Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy noticed Manning’s unusual behavior at the line of scrimmage. The symptoms began as a mere foot stomp, but as the years progressed Manning started shouting random words that had no meaning to the offense.

“What really tipped me off was when he started flapping his arms like a bird,” Dungy said. “That had no meaning to our offense and threw us off for a few games, but I told the rest of the offense to ignore him and we went on to have a pretty good season.”

Dungy invited Tourette’s specialist Beth Grundstad to a home game to watch Manning. Grundstad immediately noticed the symptoms and diagnosed the quarterback on the spot.

“Common symptoms of this syndrome are flapping the arms, hopping, touching other people, repeating words or phrases and barking among other things,” she said. “Peyton was doing all of those on almost every play. There was no question he was on the Tourette’s spectrum, but Tony asked me to keep it quiet because they were doing so well.”

The diagnosis reached the NFL’s front office sometime in 2008, but the higher-ups decided it was better for the game if Manning continued on the path he was on.

“Peyton was playing outstanding football and we couldn’t take away from him or the league,” executive Paul Cornston said. “As years went his tics became more frequent and we felt compelled to tell him. Finally, we decided that after he broke Brett Favre’s record we would break the news.”

Since 2008, several people have threatened to break the news to Manning. In 2011, Manning suffered a career-threatening neck injury from whipping his head back and forth. In 2014, as the Broncos made their way to the Superbowl, fans demanded to know exactly what “Omaha” meant, but Manning refused to give a practical answer.

“Omaha is a city in Nebraska,” he said with a stupid smile on his face.

Sadly, he was being dead serious.

After Manning threw his 510th career touchdown, coach John Fox finally sat Manning down, went over some film and broke the news.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, OMAHA,” Manning said. “APPLE, I thought I was changing the play at the line, but it turns out I was just slapping my linemen’s asses for no reason and, APPLE APPLE, yelling at people.”

With the diagnosis out in the open, coach Fox is worried about the impact it will have on the rest of the season. For years, defenses have been changing their schemes to counter Manning’s audibles, but now that they know his tics are meaningless they are sure to adjust.

“Between Dungy and I, I think we milked this as far as we could,” Fox said. “Now, defenses will know just to ignore his shouting and flailing and focus on how our offense is lined up.”

Wear Pink To Show Support For The NFL

Think Pink

Think Pink

Pink, Oklahoma – In case you didn’t receive the memo, all football fanatics are supposed to wear something pink every day to show their support for the NFL.

If you don’t have anything pink to wear, then just wash something white with something red.

Pink is the color of compassion, understanding, unconditional love, and the giving and receiving of nurturing.

These are some of the positive values with which the NFL is quickly trying to associate itself.

Coach Lovie Smith is a good example of someone who cares about people rather than just trying to win at any cost.

Lovie says: “Pink is intuitive and insightful, showing tenderness and kindness with empathy and sensitivity.”

Even tho the NFL can seem rather violent at times, it wants to highlight its other more caring side, which may often go overlooked. Many recent rule changes are trying to do more to protect players as well as their spouses or significant others from bodily harm.

Lovie says: “In color psychology, pink is a sign of hope. It is a positive color inspiring warm and comforting feelings, a sense that everything will be okay.”

The NFL hopes that its Think Pink Program will help improve its image throughout the land and get the focus back onto what is really important: Winning a Super Bowl and raking in all its associated advertisement revenue!

Fargo Leaders Considering Allowing Chicken Fighting

Chicken fighting is more popular that soccer.

Chicken fighting is more popular than soccer.

Fargo, ND – City Commissioners will soon be deciding whether or not to allow chicken fighting within city limits.

A number of residents have been pushing for the legalization of chicken fighting. They contend that world-wide, chicken fighting as a sport, is more popular than soccer.

With a growing number of people now living in Fargo who are from foreign countries where chicken fighting is as common as eggs and bacon, Fargo leaders will try to clarify existing laws as they relate to this exciting sport.

Proponents believe that chicken fighting would be a great addition to other city sports such as the Fargo Farce hockey team, the FM Roller Derby squad, and the FM Redhawks baseballers.

Residents against city-sanctioned chicken fighting argue that it is just cock-fighting with another name. They believe that dog fighting and mud wrestling would soon follow through incrementalism.

If you would like to see the Fargo City Commissioners vote YES for chicken fighting, please feel free to attend upcoming meetings, step up to the microphone and express your thoughts and opinions on this impotent matter.

Commissioner Goodell Eliminating Running Back Position

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Commissioner Roger Goodell

Following the recent events involving NFL running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to outlaw running backs and hand-offs with an amendment to the league’s constitution.

The new rule states that “No offensive player can be behind the quarterback prior to the snap” and “There can be no hand-offs of any kind. All exchanges of the ball must be from a distance of three feet or greater.”

Goodell realizes the amendment will completely change the game of football, but insists that his decision was made with intention of making the league safer and more exciting.

“I spent almost twenty minutes in deep thought before signing off on the new rules,” Goodell said. “With all the media attention after recent incidents I just needed a way to make everyone stop asking me questions. Plus, I always thought running plays were boring anyway.”

Goodell decision was also influenced by the research of neurologist Bryce Buma, who claims that when large people run into each other at full speed it tends to hurt their brains.

“Most tackles in the NFL are equivalent to crashing your car at 40 miles per hour,” Buma said. “Running backs like Rice and Peterson get hit at least 25 times a week which has severely damaged their brains, namely the madula oblongata which controls anger and jealousy.”

The changes will first be enforced on week six when the Vikings and Packers match-up on Thursday, October 2.  Teams will be allowed to keep their running backs but must play them at different positions. Packers head coach Mike McCarthy released his plans for running back Eddie Lacy.

“With a big guy like Eddie, it would be a shame not to have him on the field,” McCarthy said. “We’ll have him practice at linebacker for a while and see how he does. If that doesn’t work, he will have a spot on special teams.”

Some former backs will become receivers, corners or tight ends, but many will be out of a job when the rule is in effect. Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le’Veon Bell is one of these unlucky runners.

“I’m bummed man, real bummed,” Bell said. “I just had the game of my life while I was supposed to be suspended and now I’m out of a job. It ain’t fair man.”

While many viewers and fantasy football players are outraged, NFL legend John Madden remains optimistic for the future of football.

“You see, there’s two teams and each team is trying to score more points than the other,” Madden said. “At the end of the game, one team will have more points than the other, and BOOM, they win.”

Fargo College Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million

Unexpected large crowd surprises everyone

Unexpected large crowd surprises everyone

Fargo, ND – ESPN’s College Game Day program was expected to attract a large crowd but nobody knew exactly how large it would be.

One policeman said: “I think everyone from the state of North Dakota is here! And they each must have brought a few friends. This is quite crazy!”

One loyal fan in the crowd who camped out overnight admitted: “This downtown football party is overshadowing the actual football game in the Fargodome.”

The NDSU “Bisons” are favored to stampede the Incarnate Word Cardinals by 72 points.

Bowler Union Plans Multiple Strikes

Bowler Union planning multiple strikes to gain respect.

Bowler Union planning multiple strikes to gain respect.

Bowling Green, Kentucky – The Professional Bowlers Union says it is planning multiple upcoming strikes throughout the country in an effort to gain more respect from the rest of the sports world.

Spokesperson Parker Fonebone III said “it is high time that professional bowlers started getting some more respect from the curlers, fencers, and ping pong players.”

In recent years, bocce ball and cornhole have even passed bowling on the national Sports Respect rankings.

If you drive by your local bowling alley and see protesting bowlers outside, honk your horn to either:

1. Show your support for the pro-bowlers union strike, or

2. Let them know it’s time to get back to work!

Either way, they will know that you care enough to honk at them.