Some FM Area Businesses Allowing Use Of Cookies As Fungible Barter Tool

Some Fargo-Moorhead businesses accepting cookies as money.

Some FM businesses accepting cookies as money.

Fargo, ND – During the holiday season, some Fargo-Moorhead businesses will be accepting cookies as payment for goods and services for amounts less than $10.

“We here at the R.R.C.C. believe that barter in the form of fungible cookies is alive and well in the FM area,” says Dr. Drake Duckson who is president of the Red River Commerce Commission.

For most local businesses and services that are not part of a national chain, two large home-made cookies equal one dollar. Any other type of cookie would need four for a dollar’s worth of goods and services.

Dr. Duckson: “This allowable form of barter shall be in effect in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area until January 2. After that date, a cookie will just be a cookie.”

Some people are already thinking of using cookies to pay for Uber rides, restaurant tips, and even a drive through the Holiday Lights in Lindenwood Park.

Another creative idea was sent in by Mr. Snarv Barshangler who has even tried using cookies as gratuities for stage dancers at the Northern Gentlemen’s Club.

Merry Cookies from the Red River Commerce Commission! :o^

Twelve New Words Being Added To FMO’s Dictionary

The FMO Dictionary keeps growing just like our national debt.

The FMO Dictionary keeps growing just like our national debt.

West Fargo, ND – As you know, at the end of each year we look back and decide what words should be added to our FMO Lexicon.

Since its first publication back in 1879, our dictionary has grown into quite a load especially if being carried to skool in a backpack.

So, without any further ado, here are the new entries being added to the FMO Lexicon for 2016:

1. FM Observer + veranda = FM observeranda… The place at our corporate headquarters from whence we look down upon the entire Fargo-Moorhead area and society in general.

2. FM Observer + verb = FM observerb… These are action words that help keep us motivated and moving forward to bring you the latest in true fake news. Some of our posts may be fake but at least they’re true fake.

3. FM Observer + verbal = FM observerbal… This is the type of communication that we yell at other drivers when they’re testing our inclination for road rage.

4. FM Observer + verbose = FM observerbose… This is when we get too many words stuck in our mouth at once when trying to express a complicated thought like Obamacare.

5. FM Observer + verdict = FM observerdict… This is what the judge hands down which decides whether we go home or get to stay for free at the county’s hotel for wayward citizens.

6. FM Observer + verge = FM observerge… This is when we are on the cusp of a major announcement such as: We just once again won the best website on the internet award for the third time in a row!

7. FM Observer + verify = FM observerify… This is what we do with all facts gathered prior to deciding whether or not to write a truly fake news story.

8. FM Observer + vermin = FM observermin… Is what we call problematic animals to society. Also, it was the original name for what Hillary recently referred to as a basket of deplorables.

9.FM Observer + versatile = FM observersatile… This is how we describe ourselves when we have to wear many hats in order to not be recognized by those who may be looking for us in a crowd.

The more words we add, the more colorful it gets.

The more words we add, the more colorful it gets.

10. FM Observer + verse = FM observerse… This is the style that we sometimes try to write in to make it sound like we graduated from college with honors.

11. FM Observer + vertebrate = FM observertebrate… This is something that (or someone who) has a backbone in order to stand tall during times of distress such as an IRS audit.

12. FM Observer + vertical = FM observertical… This is the direction the rocket carrying our FMO satellite into space will hopefully go so that worldwide readers can easily follow what’s truly happening on the FM Observer.

Holiday Lights In Lindenwood To Be Visible From Space

Beam me up, Scotty

Beam me up, Scotty

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Sertoma Club is again providing a dazzling display of diodes and doodads. Holiday Lights In Lindenwood Park is open to the public and boy, is it impressive. So impressive, in fact, that if you happen to be traveling to Mars for Christmas you can see it from space.

The Holiday Lights can be viewed for a gentle $6.00 admission fee per car or van ($5.00 with canned good donation) or $10.00 for busses and limousines. A particular portion of the proceeds will go towards Caustic Sertoma awareness.

What follows is a public service announcement from the Caustic Sertoma Foundation®.

Caustic Sertoma. What is Caustic Sertoma? Wouldn’t you like to know. Do you or your loved ones suffer from Caustic Sertoma? This regenerative condition affects literally hundreds of people each year. Side effects may include: blood, urination, occasional breathing, hair growth, eyesight and nonviolent mood swings. If you’ve had sertomatic symptoms for more than 4 hours, seek medical attention. People who are pregnant with zika should not have Caustic Sertoma. Ask your doctor if Caustic Sertoma is right for you.

Hatchimal Hoarders Selling This Year’s Hot Items Out Of Their Basement

These two brothers bought up all the Hatchimals in the Fargo-Moorhead area prior to Black Friday Matters.

These two brothers bought up all the Hatchimals in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area prior to Black Friday Matters.

Fargo, ND – The Good News is: There is no shortage of Hatchimals in the FM Observer area.

The Bad News is: If you want this year’s hottest Christmas item, you will have to pay a pretty penny to the two brothers who bought up all the Hatchimals that came into the Red River Valley.

Brothers Mario and Dario Jurkovich had the foresight to quickly buy up all the Hatchimals from all the stores in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

The Jurkovich brothers estimate that they have 3,500 Hatchimals currently in their basement.

This pair of Hatchimal Hoarders are now selling individual Hatchimals to desperate parents and grandparents for $500 each. :o)

However, their Black Friday Matters special is two Hatchimals for only $999!

To avoid long lines of people at their front door, wishful buyers must first call them and then follow a series of clues that will lead customers to a secret kiosk where Mario and Dario are selling their super supply of Hatchimals.

So, Happy Hanukkah Holiday Hatchimal Hoarder Hunting!

Elderly Fargo Man Arrested For Driving 29 MPH On I-29

Travelling 29 mph down the interstate highway, with no worries, not a care in the... What are those flashing red lights?!

Travelling 29 mph down the interstate highway, with no worries, not a care in the… What are those flashing red lights?!

Fargo, ND State Highway Patrol pulled over an elderly Fargo driver who was travelling at a very low rate of speed on Interstate-29.

Mr. Cornwall Wilbertson had for some reason decided to take the interstate when driving from North Fargo to West Acres to do some early Christmas shopping.

A number of drivers who passed him on the highway noted that if Cornwall was going any slower, he’d be completely stopped in the middle of his south-bound lane.

Mr. Wilbertson was arrested and booked for being a public nuisance and driving almost half of the minimum speed on a major interstate highway.

When asked what he was thinking, Mr. Wilbertson said: “Well, I was thinking about old time Christmases, with the eggnog and the mistletoe, and then we watched The Wizard of Oz on our brand new color television. I remembered how we always played pinochle after our Christmas meal and before opening presents. Member how Uncle Charlie always brought us nuts and oranges from his greenhouse? Member grandma always trying to play piano so we could sing Deck The Halls? Member when we made that snow fort after that big blizzard? Member when Dad drank too much? Member when Steven left a candle burning and burned the house down?

Fargo Psychic Wins Lottery For Ninth Time

Fargo’s Miss Devine can win the lottery any time she desires.

Fargo, ND Unbeknownst to most hoi polloi, living amongst Fargo’s commonfolk resides One with a “most powerful” gift.

Fargo’s Miss Divine can foretell the future “well enough” to have just won a record nine lottery jackpots.

So as to remain “under the radar”, Miss Divine usually plays the “lesser games” such as: Hot Lotto, 2 by 2, and Lucky For Life.

Last week Miss Divine informed us that she recently won the 2 by 2 game, which is now her ninth lottery win. When we asked Miss Divine “the how and why”, her response in her own words was: “Miss Divine sees things in her crystal ball that allow her to live very comfortably while being able to hand out $100 bills to those in obvious need.”

If you would ever like to discuss “possibilities” for your future finances with Miss Divine, look for her in the Downtown Fargo area. Whilst you seek her out in the alleys and galleys, you will not find her so much as “she will find you”. Remember to tell Miss Divine that you “read about” her on the FM Observer (and use promo-code “MD2-J9” for a 10% “bonus coupon”).

Denmark Charged With Tresspassing Onto Finlandian Space Nebula

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Pictured: Denmark’s 3 square-mile Self-Contained Village Unit 54. This monstrosity houses an entire village of humans as it closely orbits Earth.

This article originally published February 5th, 2066

Nebula 79.10250:91.01, Property Of Finland—The Interstellar Order Of Protection has charged the country of Denmark with unlawful trespass after one of Denmark’s self-contained village units inadvertently breached an intergalactic boundary, traversing space territory owned by Finland.

Since the first colonization of space nebulae in 2048, accidents like these are not uncommon.

Negligence here on the part of Denmark’s Galactic Colonization Effort resulted in their Self-Contained Village Unit’s (SCVU) unlawful drift into Finlandic Nebula 79.10250:91.01’s established boundary. 

High Ruler Of Denmark Qens Vuntnen called the trespass accidental. “Megathrusters on starboard 3-mile fell inactive, causing SCVU 54 to rove nearly 1,000 meters outward. The last thing we want is a nebulaic trespass to propel the galaxy into another Star Wars. Please know that this was a mishap.”

The penalty for space trespass is a fine of 4,000,000, payable in only Marklar.

Harambe’s Family To Sue Zoo Who Blew Him To Timbuktu

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Hey bro, don’t shoot me!

Cincinnati, OH – Family members of the recently murdered, captive, and endangered silverback named Harambe (pronounced Harambe) have lawyered up and plan to sue the zoo where Harambe was shot while assisting a young, overly-curious boy who unexpectedly decided to drop in for a visit.

As we all know, the name Harambe means Working Together For Freedom. What’s left of Harambe’s grieving family has decided to work together and is now filing a hefty $100 million wrongful death lawsuit against the Cincinnati Zoo.

Along with wives Chewie and Mara, and sisters Asha and Gladys, the family’s matriarchs M’Linzi and Samantha successfully convinced Jomo, the one remaining male silverback at the zoo, to contact an attorney who specializes in wrongful death zoo murders.

Harambe’s family’s attorney’s initial public statement: Harambe’s life mattered, mmkay? Harambe was very loved by his family here at the Cincinnati Zoo and they miss Harambe very very much. For Harambe to get gunned down in broad daylight just one day after his 17th birthday is just too much for his family to handle, and understandably so. We will be seeking reasonably large punitive damages, along with major distress payments, and the obvious undue hardship remunerations for the remaining women and children, who grieve Harambe’s death every single sad day, without Harambe in their captive lives, here at the incarcerational Cincinnati Zoo.

Facebook To Begin Charging Users A $30 Monthly Usage Fee

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Half of this new $30 monthly user fee will go towards combating fake news on Facebook.

Menlo Park, CA – In what may come as a surprise to most Facebook users, a new $30 monthly usage fee will begin being charged in 2017.

Many thought Facebook would never start charging a user fee but it was deemed necessary after allegations of rampant fake news on Facebook was believed to cause Hillary to lose the presidential election to Donald Trump.

Experts say that roughly half of the supposedly true news on the internet has been fabricated while half of what’s believed to be fake news is actually completely true.

So, half of the estimated $19 trillion raised by this $30 monthly usage fee will go towards ridding all fake news on Facebook.

Facebook satellite exploding on launch pad.

Facebook satellite exploding on launch pad.

Also, because of the recent explosion of the new Facebook satellite on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral, half of the revenue will help put numerous non-exploded Facebook satellites into orbit so the entire world can “like” what everyone’s doing.

The final half of the money raised from the new $30 Facebook monthly user fee will go directly to the top to ensure that Mr. Zuckerberg remains forever richer than the enterprising Carlos Slim from Mexico.

Super Moon Proves It’s Moving Closer To Earth

Earth's gravity is pulling the moon closer toward us. Scientists believe our moon will eventually be just a few miles away.

Earth’s gravity is pulling the Moon closer towards us. Scientists believe the Moon will eventually be just a few miles away.

Moon Unit, USA – The recent full super beaver moon is proof positive for many that the Moon is indeed moving closer to Earth.

Experts say that if the current rate continues, the Moon should be just a few miles away from Earth by the year 2035.

This process is what moonologists are calling Global Mooning.

Vladimir Johnson, who has been studying this topic for many moons, strongly believes that the Moon will eventually park itself just a few miles away from Miami, Florida.

This is believed to be the reason for the famous song: Moon Over Miami which was recently made famous by Ray Charles.

With our Moon soon basically permanently parked over southern Florida, this will open up a whole new world of possibilities for: 1. Moon living, 2. getting away from your in-laws, and 3. setting up an alternative society with its own new government.

If you would like to join the list of people who want to get away from it all (but don’t want to move to Canada), simply go to Healthcare.Gov and sign up! Please indicate what your current name is and then what name you would like to be called on the Moon.