Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

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It was a rainy dark night. I opened the bright bar doors.  BotInsane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patronh had a green and red neon sign on it.

I walked in and sat at the bar.  The table was sticky and smelled of stale beer.  Luckily the bar stool had a back to it considering the day I had.  I was sore.

I got the bartender’s attention and ordered a tall beer.  Took a gulp of it right away.  Boy was it good.

There was a band playing in the dimly lit corner.  A slender fellow with a harmonica in his hand.  His music was very soothing.

After watching and listening to the music for a while, seven beers and a shot later to be exact, I started to doze off.  One second I heard the harmonica off in the distance, the next I hear the sound of waves crashing.  I was at a beach god knows where.  The water was crystal clear.  I had to go into it.  I walked slowly into the ocean until the water was up to my belly button.  Getting my shorts entirely wet.

That’s when I awoke and realized I pissed myself in front of everyone.

 

– Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron

World Cup Brazil 2014

9 Players To Watch In The World Cup

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World Cup Brazil 2014

The 2014 World Cup in Brazil is near.  Here i’ll reveal some players that you must watch during the World Cup.

 

Christiano Rafeeke – That one guy who plays on that team with blue shirts.

Gerard Dominichi – That one player who kicks with his left foot.

Rooni Shikaka – Must watch!  This is that guy who ran into that other guy that one time.  Remember?

Felina Mozzarella – Another must watch.  This person headbutted that one guy once.  You know the team.

Leonardo Campbell – This is that guy who got the card taken out on him twice during that one game.  Very memorable.

Milner Jones – Everyone knows this guy.  He’s fast.

Mikey Tomahawk – Very popular.  He’s the only native american in soccer.  Everyone knows this guy.  No explanation needed.

David Lulz – He has all those commercials.  Very good player.

Dahizthan – He’s the only player with no last name and nobody knows where he’s actually from.  He got that one foul during that great match everyone watched.

 

There you have it.  9 of the most popular people to watch during World Cup.  I’m sure you know and have heard of all the people listed already.  Enjoy the games!

School Board to Implement School Shooting Drills

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Bert2In the wake of what has been the 74th school shooting since the Newtown massacre, school districts are taking a proactive steps to better prepare their kids for the sort of danger that could potentially take place within their walls.

Tornado drills and fire drills have been the norm for decades. Now, with mass shootings occurring on an ongoing basis, “shooting drills” are being implemented. The proliferation of public-area gun violence has left administrators with no other choice but to help brace their kids for a sudden act of deadly force.

School superintendent Ertson McFluck explains the Board’s preventive measure. “Tornado drills have us ducking and covering. Fire drills have us exiting the building. Shooting drills will probably see teachers hang a ‘NO KIDS HERE’ sign on the classroom doorknob or some stupid thing. We’re not sure yet. There’s really nowhere safe to go if a mad gunman enters. These buildings weren’t engineered with frickin panic rooms. Locking a classroom door is a fool’s effort–an armed murderer would easily blast his way through. It’s absurd that it’s come to this, but our children and faculty need to be at least somewhat prepared.”

The Board seems fully aware of the nation’s school shooting epidemic and is moving as quickly as possible towards a reasonable course of preventive action.

Janitor Charged With Fondling Church Organ

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Forgiven but not forgotten.

Moorhead, MN – Unhappy church officials at the House Of God Inc. are investigating an alleged fondling of their church organ.

A man who had apparently dressed himself up to look like the church janitor was caught groping and fondling the large organ in the main church sanctuary.

The man, whose name is Peter Sexmeyer, was later discovered to be a level two sex offender who was also being sought in both Texas and Colorado for similar assaults on other smaller church organs.

Church president Mrs. Valerie Clankster said on behalf of their stunned congregation: “I think it’s very creepy that someone would do such a thing in our beloved church. It feels like our worship space has been violated. It will be hard to forgive this lewd and sinful act because now, whenever we sing our hymns, we’ll be thinking of that fricking pervert having sex with our big organ.”

Will this church congregation ever get past this salacious incident? Probably.

Will this church organ ever be the same? Probably not.

Will this sexoholic pseudo janitor get prison time for this organic act? Maybe not.

Should you be on the lookout for sex-crimes against your church organ? Maybe yes.

Fargo Train Station

City of Fargo Releases Pamphlet On How To Avoid Getting Hit By A Train

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Fargo Train StationFargo, ND – The City of Fargo released a pamphlet earlier today that explains in detail on how to avoid getting killed by a train.

With all the train accidents and people getting hit, Fargo decided the citizens needed a dose of knowledge. They released a pamphlet that describes in detail what you should do when approaching train tracks and how to avoid getting hit by a train.

We were able to get ahold of a pamphlet and were very surprised on how little information it actually provided. Below is the pamphlet’s entire contents.

“LOOK BOTH WAYS.  IF A TRAIN IS COMING, DON’T FUCKING CROSS!”

“IF YOU ARE ON THE TRACKS WHEN A TRAIN IS COMING, FUCKING MOVE!”

That was it. The pamphlet contains two sentences that seem to get right to the point. Hopefully this little pamphlet will prevent train accidents in the future.

Keep your eyes open, folks. Let us know if this pamphlet was helpful to you.

Twins Select Janitor In 2014 MLB Draft

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Minneapolisstanley-spadowski, MN—The 2014 Major League Baseball draft has uninterestingly concluded, resulting in something like 80 or so guys taken by the Minnesota Twins. Among the players drafted were four St. Paul Saints infielders in addition to St. Paul Saints clubhouse janitor Chlaff Peenisackle.

“Scouted him during batting practice. Great footwork, swings his stick like a natural,” explained Twins GM Terry Ryan. The Twins have made a marginally-successful ballclub out of scouting raw talent within their farm system. Mop-wielder Peenisackle should be no exception.

The club deployed Similar tactics during the 2013 draft with their selection of Target Field groundskeeper Bronk Clobbler.

Lady Attacked By Lobsters In Grocery Seafood Section

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Lobster Mobsters

Moorhead, MN – We’ve all walked by the bubbling lobster tank in the meat and seafood area of a grocery store.

While doing some recent shopping in a popular Moorhead grocery store, Mrs. Maxima Underhill began walking past the lobster tank area.

Unbeknownst to Maxima, two rogue lobsters had just staged a successful escape from their over-crowded waterworld.

Working as a team, they had assisted each other in slipping off the constricting hand-cuffs from their large main pincer claws. These two large on-the-loose lobsters were now armed and dangerous.

According to the official police report, Mrs. Underhill was suddenly lobstruck by these two lobstrosities as she walked near their tank. The victim allegedly sustained numerous wounds to her arms, neck, and face.

The two perpetrators, who are now being held in a guarded holding tank, each had an extensive criminal record. As in some of their previous assaults, these lobster mobsters quickly worked as a team to crawl up their victim’s arms while pinching small deep pincer cuts using their main pincer-claws.

This crime of opportunity caused immediate lobsteria in the store as the word spread of the alleged attack. Many people in the region are now suffering from lobsterphobia as a result of the bizarre incident.

The local Red Lobster restaurants have reported a dramatic drop in business since Mrs. Underhill’s unexpected misfortune. In an effort to calm public fears, the popular restaurant chain says they will immediately begin doing full background checks on all their lobsters.

Friends of the site: Please read this very real, very serious announcement.

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ab6d6293-bda9-4632-bdc7-478ea6059871Early in 2012, a close friend of mine, a brilliant man, a fan of comedy and laughter by the name of Cody Marthaller, came to me with an idea. He said “Nothing bonkers ever happens in Fargo. How bout we make our own satirical news on our own website?” Of course, I was all for it. Thus, the FM Observer was born. At first, we experimented with spinning actual current events into wild, nutty stories. Then we got overly-creative and began completely making things up. As the content evolved, the site itself underwent many cosmetic changes—all made possible by Cody. He built this thing for us from the ground up and is the man who made it all happen. Since then, there has been a plethora of hilarious, irreverent and at times legitimate content that we’ve all enjoyed—and i’m here to tell you that NONE of it would exist without Cody.

Now we’re asking for a little something in return. Later that same year, in the fall of 2012, Cody was diagnosed with a very rare but treatable form of small-cell lung cancer. He’s singlehandedly kept the site going while fighting this battle ever since then. Now he’s in need of our help. He’s reached his financial limits (having not been able to work for quite some time) and as a result, he’s set up a donation website to raise money for medical costs incurred during this very long, very arduous ongoing battle.

Friends of the site and friends of Cody himself, I implore you to consider a donation. The link is below. Your contribution will not go unnoticed and will bring him every step closer to winning the fight for his life.

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/trying-to-beat-cancer/186890

Fargo Approves Taser Drones For Use In High Crime Areas

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Don’t taze me, drone!

Fargo, ND – Local police are celebrating the approval of new technology that promises to make fighting crime a little easier and a whole lot safer. City government has finally given a green light to the much anticipated Taser Administering Drone Army, or TADA. The fleet of 25 drones will soon be buzzing over crime-ridden neighborhoods where traditional law enforcement measures have been largely unsuccessful.

“Oh these little buggers are game changers,” raves Police Chief Warren Peese. “My men will soon be able to zap slimeballs silly without having to put down their donuts. The beauty is, the criminals will never see it coming. One minute they’re selling a bag of crack and the next…wham, they’re flopping around on the ground like a fish out of water. TADA!”

The drones, which are roughly the size of a shoebox, are equipped with surveillance cameras and long-range tasers that can be deployed wirelessly from a remote location. “These suckers have about a half-mile range,” says Peese. “In other words, there’s really nowhere to hide. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when we aim at you?”

Asked about the drones’ accuracy, Peese admits, “Well, it’s not 100%. Heck, it’s not even 90%. Our guess is, though, that if you’re close enough to a criminal to get tased, you’re probably up to no good, and we’re ok with those odds. Also, if we hit the wrong target, there’s a slick little retract button that sucks that taser up like nothing ever happened. Problem solved. TADA!”

An inside source reveals that local networks are close to reaching a deal with police to broadcast live TADA taser action on a local area TV channel. Could be lots of fun to watch! Stay tuned to the FM Observer for details.

Fargo Man Arrested For Flash-Frying Entire Cow

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illegal?

Illegal.

Fargo, ND—Authorities were dispatched to a north Fargo neighborhood yesterday afternoon as one witness called to report what sounded like “A raging cauldron full of boiling guts” rumbling in his neighbor’s back yard.

Police arrived to find Todd Fox, a resident infamous for melting snow with a flamethrower, presiding over a 10,000-gallon propane-powered boiling vat of grease which contained a full, beer-battered Holstein cow.

“I seen it on TV, thought it’d be a good idea,” said Fox, who appeared to be referring to an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode in which character Master Shake flash-fries a fully intact, battered cow in his residential neighborhood driveway. Fox was armed to the teeth with enough empty bottles of vegetable oil to kill a sperm whale, 10 propane-powered Nipco space heaters, a hydraulic hoist and a 10,000-gallon stainless steel tank he said he bought “real cheap at my uncle Burp’s flea market.”

Police would have none of it as they arrested Fox on charges of reckless endangerment and possession of livestock without a permit. When asked how he obtained the deceased animal, Fox declared “I know me a butcher.”