Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion Part II

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Questions To Ask Before Joining A Religion

If you haven’t read Part I, then you should because it is very educational.  Below are more questions everyone should consider asking before joining a religion.

 

Are there mermaids?

Will peppers be readily available in the afterlife?

And television?  Free access?  Wifi?

During congregation, must I wash my hands after the bathroom?

If I choose to follow, how long do I have to follow for?

If there is a paradise, who tends the garden?

Is there any stoning?  Stoning sounds fun.  I mean awful.  It’s just awful.

What is considered ‘sex’?

Can I dress like a ninja?  All day?

Can I participate in a sacrificial killing at least once per day?

Are there any kind of spells or such things?

Are there any kind of special dances I must do?

Can I use donation money for personal use?

Will animal cookies still exist after I die?

 

Blarney Stone Pub West Fargo

New Blarney Stone In Trouble Over Public Urination

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Blarney Stone Pub West FargoWest Fargo, ND – The New Blarney Stone is in trouble already after two patrons decided to whip out their ding dongs right there in the parking lot.

What they didn’t realize is that their ding dongs were in full view to all students outside at Cheney Middle School.

Tim Smith, 32, and James Blikart, 33 were arrested for urinating in public, public intoxication, and indecent exposure.

Lord knows what those kids saw.  Some won’t even talk.

But now the question remains, was it such a good idea to put a bar right across from a school full of children?  Did the city of West Fargo make a good decision on allowing this location?

Please post your thoughts below.  We hit the news hard!

Dr. Finance On Making Big Money With Garage Sales

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Think of your garage as a mini Wal-Mart store.

Fargo, ND – As promised, Dr. Finance is back once again to help answer any financial questions that you may have. Since almost everything is somehow related to money, Dr. Finance can help with most any question that is scratching your head.

Today’s question comes from Trudi Milkweed from Money, Mississippi. Trudi asks, “Dear Dr. Finance, can my family and I ever make a million dollars just by having a bunch of garage sales?”

Dr. Finance: Well, Mrs. Milkweed from Moneytown, the short answer is “Yes”. You and your family, if properly motivated, can certainly expect to earn a million dollars by having garage sales. The reason why I am so confident about this is because Dr. Finance has personally done it!

If your family has a thousand garage sales, each earning $1,000, that would be your million dollars right there. Five hundred garage sales each earning $2,000 would also get you to your goal. If you set your goal, and have it in writing up on your wall, and look at it every day, it will happen. Here’s how:

In order to have that many garage sales, you will need a continuous flow of stuff to sell. Use your God-given brainstormer to come up with as many ways of cheaply finding items to sell as you can.

For instance, you’all can find under-priced items at other garage sales, search all the charitable stores for fixer-uppers, ask companies for donation items, have your family members make craft items, make baked goods, breed kittens and puppies from stray animals you find, sell fresh garden items from your garden or someone else’s garden, and so on and so forth. The possibilities are endless. Have the kids constantly working to keep those sale shelves stocked. Have your husband quit his job to help out on a full-time basis.

Trudi, you need to start thinking of your garage as a Mini-Walmart. Have good signage to route people to your driveway. Make sure you have colorful balloons out. Set your prices low enough to sell but high enough to make some profit. I hope that helps. Good luck to you, and please let us know when you have reached your goal!

Previous helpful articles by Dr. Finance include: Underwater Mortgage Problems and Making Money By Reading The FM Observer.

ND Leaders To Tribal Councils: Please Stop Doing Rain Dances

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Dancing For The Rain

Dancin’ in the rain

Fargo, ND – With standing water in ditches and mosquitos breeding fast in waterlogged North Dakota, state and city leaders are urging Native American communities to cease practicing their ritual rain dances until further notice.

“We’re beyond soaked,” said Representative Flo Anderson. “Our state and our citizens desperately need a break from the downpours. All we’re asking is for the tribes to start doing some other kind of dancing until we can dry out a little. Sun dances. Wind dances. Break dances. Anything but rain dances. Folks are tired.”

One especially problematic issue is the growing frequency of “Splash Mobs” within the state. Organized via social media, these large groups of tribal rain dancers are spontaneously popping up all over North Dakota. The results are wreaking havoc on regional weather patterns.

According to Vern Drencher of the National Weather Service, “The collective power of the Splash Mob creates meganimbus events unlike anything we’ve seen before, dropping 6 to 8 inches of precipitation in under an hour. We’ve been monitoring this phenomenon in the Spirit Lake area for some time. However, the Native American youth are taking it to a whole new level. And that spells W-E-T for you and me.”

The FMO caught up with tribal spokesman, Jeremiah Raincloud, who, after listening to this story, smiled, tipped his hat to us, and said absolutely nothing.

Winning Powerball Lottery Ticket Being Sought In Knoxville Landfill

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One piece of paper worth millions in and amongst millions of pieces of paper.

Knoxville, TN – The lucky person who purchased the winning Powerball ticket worth an estimated $259.8 million believes that she may have accidentally lost the winning ticket in her kitchen garbage bag which is most likely now in the Knoxville community landfill.

On the night of the drawing, Mrs. Ina Pickle noticed that her one Powerball ticket matched all of the Powerball numbers that were reported on the late local evening newscast in her Knoxville area on Wednesday, June 11.

Before going to bed, she had safely put the winning ticket on her kitchen counter over by the trash bin.

Early the next morning, she quickly ran to put out her garbage for the approaching garbage truck workers.

About an hour later after some coffee, she realized that the winning Powerball ticket must have blown into the trash because the kitchen window had been left slightly ajar during the night.

Mrs. Ina Pickle, along with several hundreds of other people from the region, are now reportedly madly searching through all of the garbage in the massive Knoxville landfill for a chance to find that winning unsigned Powerball ticket.

Officials from the Tennessee Lottery say that whoever finds that winning Powerball ticket and brings it to their main offices will have their choice of the full annuity amount or the lump-sum pre-tax amount of $153,000,000.

The Melvins’ Buzz Osborne Comes Back to Fargo

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PromoImage“It’s only after we’ve done everything that we’re free to do anything” was what Tyler Durden said in the movie Fight Club (or something like that–I may have slightly butchered the quote). That holds true with Buzz Osborne of the Melvins. It almost seems like he’s done everything: over 30 recorded albums in addition to more than 2,000 live shows covers a ton of ground.  He’s produced over 30 years of sonically-intimidating grunge, metal and semi-acoustic but not quite full-blown acoustic rock. That is, until this most recent solo album for which he’s touring our great country to promote.

“This Machine Kills Artists” steers completely away from Melvins tradition in that it features Buzz, alone with an instrument that he’s spent the past few decades mastering. It’s not typically loud, but it’s not that quiet either:

I enjoyed it as a change-of-pace collection of tracks (you get 17 total). It’s not terribly folk-y, so don’t expect to hear Jack Johnson or Neil Young. Think the Melvins, but sans the electric amps and percussion. Anyhow, the purpose here is not to promote the album alone, but an intimate live performance of it. Buzz takes the Aquarium stage by himself on Thursday, 6/26 to not simply play a gig, but to provide a sort of storytelling experience interlaced with songs from the album.

If you go:

Thursday, June 26th @ The Aquarium, 226 Broadway N, Fargo, ND

Doors open 8:00pm, show starts 9:00pm

Tickets can be obtained HERE

Ages 21 and over

Fifa World Cup 2014 Brazil

Screen Actors Guild To Watch The 2014 FIFA World Cup Closely

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Fifa World Cup 2014 BrazilBrazil – The Screen Actors Guild, which includes popular actors such as Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn, will be watching the 2014 FIFA World Cup extra closely this year.

The 2014 World Cup games are finally underway.  Millions of fans will be either be attending the games in person or watching them on their television sets.  The screen actors guild, on the advice of Alec Baldwin, will pay extra attention to the games this year in the hopes of finding the next crop of best actors.

They state that soccer players may be the best non-professional, undiscovered, amateur actors out there due to their nature of faking dramatic penalties.

Alec Baldwin and Sean Penn have agreed to attend every game in the hopes of recruiting these amateur actors into the Screen Actors Guild.

They stated they are looking to increase S.A.G membership numbers and soccer is the best sport to recruit from besides maybe basketball.

Man Who Weds Daughter Fathers His Own Granddaughter Whom He Marries

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Here we go a-walking

Here we go a-walking

Moorhead, MN – Bernard Kingsley of rural Moorhead married his own daughter, Trixi, after the mother lost her battle with King, their pure-bred pit-bull.

The wedding of Bernard to his own daughter Trixi was accompanied by soft music along with numerous lowered mumbles and raised eyebrows from some of their guests who attended the incestuous ceremony.

A few months later, Trixi gave birth to Bernard’s first granddaughter, a small young girl whom they named Adell.

As fate would have it, Trixi ended up divorcing her father, blaming their split on “irreconcilable quagmires”.

Once again, as you can imagine, wedding plans are in the works. Bernard will soon be marrying his very own granddaughter, Adell, who is now a precocious six years old.

The new nearly-weds are registered at Toys-R-Us and Lego-Land, if you would like to gift the happy couple.

And if you would like to attend this very special upcoming wedding ceremony, Bernard is selling admission tickets to join with them on their special day of matrimony.

Ticket prices range from $100-$500, depending on location, location, location.

All proceeds will go towards their honeymoon, which is going to be two fun-filled weeks down in Disneyworld.

During their absence, King will remain at home, to protect the family jewels from any unwanted shinanigans.

Hungry Teddy Bear

Area Man Banned From Having Sex With Teddy Bears, Arrested Again For Having Sex With Teddy Bears

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FargoHungry Teddy Bear,ND – A local Fargo man with a very long list of public indecency charges was arrested AGAIN this week for having sex with teddy bears.

Jim Hankly was arrested Thursday evening after witnesses say they saw Mr. Hankly with his pants down humping a large teddy bear in Island Park.

According to the police reports, witnesses also saw the man running in circles while humping the stuffed animal as well.  They also noted that children were very disturbed by witnessing this and may now need to be put on prescription drugs their whole life.

In 2002 Jim Hankly was arrested for humping teddy bears at the local swimming pool.  Later in 2005 he was arrested again for humping teddy bears in one of the local McDonalds.  Specifically in the ball pit.  Then for a third time, he was arrested for fornication with multiple teddy bears in front of his house scaring his neighbors.

Hankly has been arrested 6 other times.  All for public indecency charges.

While I have an addiction to gummy bears, apparently Mr. Hankly has an addiction to humping teddy bears in public.

We will follow this story as it will be interesting to see how he will be judged.  Does he belong in jail or does he need counseling?  And what about the bears?

What do you think?

 

God: ObamaCare Disrupting My Plan

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jesus-tearHeaven, Planet Earth—Since the 44th President of these United States invented a way for people who couldn’t afford or were denied health insurance benefits to affordably obtain health insurance benefits, the Great And Omnipotent One has taken notice. God, in all his Power and Glory, voiced his mighty concern over what He feels people are using to cheat His system:

“AS I’VE BRAINWASHED YOU ALL TO BELIEVE, YOU ARE ALL PART OF GOD’S PLAN. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. A TWISTER DECIMATED YOUR HOME FOR A REASON. YOU’RE WELCOME. YOUR 4-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER AMANDA CONTRACTED LEUKEMIA FOR A REASON. YOU’RE WELCOME. BUT NOW, WITH YOUR TIMELY ACQUISITION OF HEALTH INSURANCE VIA OBAMACARE, LITTLE AMANDA’S PRE-EXISTING CONDITION WON’T GO UNTREATED AND SHE MAY ACTUALLY LIVE. THIS IS ONE OF MANY UNFORTUNATE INSTANCES IN WHICH MY GRAND DESIGN FOR A HUMAN LIFE HAS BECOME GREATLY DISRUPTED. SAAAAD PAAANDA.”

Prior to the implementation of the Affordable Care Act, Amanda’s parents would have been denied health insurance due largely in part to Amanda contracting leukemia before her family obtained coverage. Now, under these new laws, Amanda and her parents can go to battle against a life-threatening illness and not become homeless and/or bankrupt as a result.