Tag Archives: California

President Trump To Swap The Blue State Of California For Greenland

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Beautiful Greenland to be traded for California.

Nuuk, Greenland – President Trump has made the decision to trade the state of California to Denmark in exchange for Greenland.

“I made a really great deal, because that’s what I do, and in exchange for California we will get Greenland,” shouted the president in front of a very noisy Marine One.

Reactions to this new trade deal were mixed:

Senator majority leader Mitch McConnell said he did not know anything about this deal.

Many others, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi from the newly traded state of California, are indicating that they want to begin impeachment proceedings immediately.

Peter Pan Claims He Was Abused By Michael Jackson, Until Tinker Bell Found Out!

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Michael Jackson is looking more and more guilty until disproven innocent.

Neverland, CA – The real Peter Pan is now alleging that the late Michael Jackson sexually abused him in Neverland.

[FMO wonders: Was this the reason why Michael Jackson wrote “I’m Bad, I’m Bad, I’m really, really Bad!?”]

Michael Jackson is posthumously arguing that it never, never happened and all he wanted to do was just sleep with the forever-young Peter Pan.

Peter Pan’s attorneys are saying that Mr. Pan is willing to take a lie-detector test to prove that the truth is on their side (plus, it’s all on videotape).

Luckily for Peter Pan, Tinker Bell was there at the time, to protect him from Michael’s alleged lewd advances.

Once Tinker Bell caught wind of what was going on, she used her formidable Pixie Dust powers to thwart Michael’s possible pedophiliac activities post haste.

Jeff Sessions Voted Most Out-Of-Touch Person In America

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Jeff Sessions: Out of touch.

Denver, CO – Attorney General Jeff Sessions has just been voted the Most Out-Of-Touch Person in the USA by the Common Sense Club.

By his recent decision to rescind the James Cole Memo, AG Sessions is basically telling U.S. attorneys to go after marijuana outlets that are complying with their state regulations rather than solely focusing on drug cartels and cross-border trafficking.

With 29 states and the District of Columbia now allowing medical or recreational use of marijuana, not only does this backward lurch go against the will of the people, but it also contradicts President Trump’s personal thoughts on this matter.

In a television interview on July 29, 2016 with KUSA-TV in Colorado, Trump said: “I wouldn’t do that [using federal authority to shut down recreational marijuana], no. I wouldn’t do that. I think it’s up to the states, yeah. I’m a states person. I think it should be up to the states, absolutely.”

In a radio interview with WWJ News Radio 950 in Michigan on March 8, 2016, Trump said “I think it certainly has to be a state decision. I do like it, you know, from a medical standpoint. It does do pretty good things. But from the other standpoint, I think that it should be up to the states.”

At a campaign rally in Sparks, Nevada on Oct. 29, 2015, Trump said: “The marijuana thing is such a big thing. I think medical should happen, right? Don’t we agree? I think so. And then I really believe we should leave it up to the states. It should be a state situation, but I believe that the legalization of marijuana, other than for medical because I think medical, you know I know people that are very, very sick and for whatever reason the marijuana really helps them, but in terms of marijuana and legalization, I think that should be a state issue, state-by-state.”

Maybe President Trump should explain to Attorney General Jeff Sessions that this should be a state-by-state decision and that the Federal Government should be hands off on the marijuana issue.

Maybe Attorney General Jeff Sessions should recuse himself, pack his bags, go back to Alabama, and spend the rest of his days playing golf with the not-so-honorable Roy Moore.

Obama Pens Exec Order Forcing All States To Raise Min Wage To $30/Hour By 2040

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I can do whatever I want because I have all these pens.

I can do whatever I want because I am President and I have all these pens.

Washington, DC – Not to be outdone by Governor Jerry Brown in California, President Obama just signed into law via another Executive Order, a new law which mandates that all 57 states increase their minimum wage to $30 per hour by the year 2040.

If that seems like a big increase, the President defends it by pointing out that it’s less than a dollar per year: “It comes out to only 83.3 cents per year, aaaand, I would bet that most people have 83 cents underneath their couch cushions”, says Obama.

But what about the issue of Big Government dictating yet another unfunded mandate to the private sector which in reality will cause many businesses to cut staff or even close their doors permanently?

To that, the President retorts: “Big Government is always willing to help. In this case, we can provide another bail-out program to assist struggling businesses, or with the stroke of my pens, I can sign another Executive Order which will disallow businesses to cut staff aaaand permanently close their doors.”

Project Update for the FM Diversion

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Red River

There’s been a Diversion diversion

Fargo, ND – Ralph Malph, a local busboy, informed us at the FM Observer that a huge change is coming to the controversial FM Diversion. Ralph was working his usual tables and overheard a city official discussing top secret information on the diversion project. The official said: “North Dakota is sick and tired of sending that Red River water up to those crazy Canadian loonies for free, so we are going to take advantage of the Diversion and send water to California to help with the drought. You know, do the North Dakota ‘Nice’ thing.”

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“I’m going to build a slide” – Trump

One might ask, how is ND planning on paying for something like this? Well, thanks to Ralph we have an idea. The official said: “We are going to implement a new state tax, called the “CA-ND-Y” Tax. The CA is obviously for California, and ND is for North Dakota, and the Y is why the hell are you asking?”

The experts at the FM Observer have been trying to figure out how ND plans on sending the water to California. Our guess is that they could have Donald Trump build a 1,878 mile-long water slide to send the water on over. Plus, it could be another source of revenue to pay the bills by giving kids and some adults an exciting week-long ride! For right now though, it’s just speculation, but time will tell.

California Drought To Be Quickly Replaced By Giant Mudslides

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If you pray for rain, you gotta deal with the mud too.

Rio Linda, CA – The Good News is that the California drought will soon be over. The Bad News is that the state will soon be one gigantic mudslide. Climatologists at our FMObserver headquarters now believe that California will no longer exist as we currently know it. Within about two wet weeks, the Golden State will go from a D-4 Exceptionally Extreme Drought to an MS-4 which is Mudslide Max. The main course served at all restaurants in California will soon be Mud Pie. Instead of being a stick-in-the-mud, people will be a-stuck-in-the-mud. Once all the rain clouds finally move through, the skies will be as clear as mud. Whatever it says on your mailbox now, after it’s all over, your name is mud. James Taylor will be singing your new state song: Mud Slide Slim. But, hay, don’t forget to remember the Good News: At least your D-4 drought is over!

Drought-Stricken California Looking To Dip Into Swimming Pools

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You never miss the water till the well runs dry.

Drytown, CA – As California continues to suffer from its worst drought since their last bad drought, the California Water Authority is searching for ways to deal with the problem.

It’s so dry in California that the only way to do laundry is by bringing it to the dry cleaners.

The California Water Authority is considering using all public and private swimming pools as a major source of water.

Just in the greater Los Angeles area, there are at least 50,000 swimming pools with an average of 18,000 gallons of water per pool.

Jasmine Cogbill who heads up the California Water Authority says: “That alone would provide about 900 million gallons of water. Just imagine if we used water from swimming pools in the entire state of California.”

Some private swimming pool owners claim that the idea is half-baked. Jasmine Cogbill says to that: “Oh no, it’s fully baked!”

Hundreds Of Misguided Bison Fans Mistakenly Went To San Francisco

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Are you saying the Bison championship football game isn't in San Francisco?

Are you saying the Bison championship football game isn’t in San Francisco?

San Francisco, CA – Some Bison football fans taking buses to the Big Game in Frisco ended up taking a very wrong turn.

A convoy of four buses full of Bison fans had gotten as far as Omaha, Nebraska when one of the bus drivers was chatting with a trucker at a truck stop during a smoke break.

“Where yawl headed?” asked the trucker.

“Taking these fine Fargo folks to Frisco!” the head bus driver answered.

“Well, there’s Interstate 80. That will take yawl straight to Frisco!” said the trucker.

“OK, thanks” the bus driver responded, as they both stomped out their cigarettes.

Unfortunately the trucker supposedly thought they were going to San Francisco instead of Frisco, Texas.

Many miles later, the convoy of four busloads of singing Bison fans pulled into San Fransicso, California.

They’re now all riding the San Francisco cable cars asking everyone “Where are the Bison? Where’s the big game?!”

It turns out that the trucker back in Omaha who gave them wrong directions attended Illinois State University. He knew that all those Bison fans were trying to get to Frisco, Texas to cheer the Bison on to their 4th straight National Championship.

Moral of the story: Never take directions from a Redbird.

Going South? Then you need to travel West!

Going South? Well then, you need to travel straight West for about a thousand miles!

Painfully Normal Guy Discovered Living In Los Angeles

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THIS GUY is a Los Angeles resident

THIS GUY lives in L.A.

Los Angeles, CA—SoCal. L.A. Paradise City. The coolest city with the coolest people with the best weather. You gotta be a badass, actor, musician, beautiful person or an otherwise famous celebrity to live there…or so we thought.

The age-old stereotype that only cool people live in Los Angeles has been officially debunked. The Observer has learned that Alan Henley, a lame, has been living in SoCal his entire life.

Alan was born an only child to an accountant and a stay-at-home mother back in 1978. Ever since, he’s been an introverted, non-famous Average Joe. “I think i’m pretty normal,” Alan says. He works as a stockbroker at a brokerage firm in Santa Monica where he grew up. He plays World of Warcraft in his spare time. “I mean, i’m no Brad Pitt obviously, but…so what?”

The Observer suspects that Alan might not be the only rube hilariously coexisting within that sexy hotbed of entertainment and glamour.

A Los Angeles Elite could not be reached for comment.

Pair of lungs or some other organ found on LA sidewalk

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Los Angeles, CA – Sunday evening, authorities received a call to investigate what was reported to be a pair of lungs stuck to a south Los Angeles county sidewalk. With a veritable frenzy of visceral criminal activity sweeping the nation these days, the presence of (human?) lungs on a sidewalk does not surprise this reporter one bit. The Observer has no doubt that a backyard organ transplant went awry, causing the “doctor” to toss the ineffective organs out a moving car window. But what became of the body? Was the failed transplant victim’s corpse chopped up & stuffed down the drain? Is human life no longer sacred to us?? Will I become King of America someday?? Will the Cubs ever win the world series??? These are the burning questions.

The organs were turned over to the county coroner for examination. The police could not be sure if they were actually lungs or possibly a discarded placenta. The Observer is anxiously awaiting the coroner’s report.