Tag Archives: christmas

Costumes And Candy Banned For Halloween In Fargo

Leave a reply

All holidays have essentially been banned in Fargo, North Dakota

Fargo, ND – The custom of dressing up in costumes for Halloween has been banned for security purposes.

Also, the handing out of candy has also been banned because of a few bad apples in the past who have handed out dangerous items.

During the fright night of Halloween, people can still go door to door and ring doorbells but trick-or-treaters must be dressed as themselves (with no masks such as Donald Trump).

Home dwellers can no longer pass out candy. Items that shall be allowed to be given out include: coins, printed poems, tooth brushes, and small used toys.

Due to a sharp increase in distracted drivers who feel it necessary to be texting whilst operating a large moving vehicle, trick-or-treating shall end at 20 o’clock.

Looking ahead to the upcoming festive Holiday season: Thanksgiving has been banned since not everyone has things to be thankful for, and Christmas has also been banned due to excessive materialism, extreme religious overtones, not to mention all the wackos who dress up as Santa.

An Online Christmas Card You Can Send To A Friend

Leave a reply

Merry Christmas to whomever you are!

As we gather round the Christmas tree,
Which was chopped and flocked for you and me,
We nibble on some scones and sip Chablis,
While outside it’s a dangerous one degree.

All the nicely wrapped presents that we see,
Are a result of that black friday shopping spree.
Why get one when you can afford to buy three,
Of those red candles scented with potpourri?

Christmas is a fun time of family glee,
Enhanced on Facebook with hyperbole.
Rather than giving each person a new CD,
Tis way more awesome to get a real pony!

One might suggest getting some activity,
Perhaps head out and go cross country ski.
But most would likely have to agree,
They’d rather watch football on NBC.

Eggnog Support Groups Now Forming For The Holiday Season

Leave a reply
caption hier

“Many people have an uncontrollable craving for Eggnog.” –Pastor Gregg Donkin

Fargo, ND – A new support group is now forming in the Fargo-Moorhead area for people who are Eggnogaholics.

These are local folks living amongst us who cannot control their desire and lust for the holiday drink we call “Eggnog”.

If you are one of these locals who load up on and then uncontrollably glug the nog by your Christmas tree, then you know exactly of what we speaketh.

For those non-Eggnog cravers, addiction to the holiday nogdrink can be as strong and powerful as being addicted to nicotine, smartphone thumbing, and watching CNN.

Pastor Gregg Donkin is the leader of the new Eggnog Support Group: “Please come and join us if drinking Eggnog is your main weakness. We will be serving free Eggnog to anyone who would like to attend our meetings but who simply cannot go one hour without Eggnog while discussing it with others who share your nogmania.”

Ironically, all the letters in “Gregg Donkin” can be re-arranged to spell: Drink Eggnog!

Hatchimal Hoarders Selling This Year’s Hot Items Out Of Their Basement

Leave a reply
These two brothers bought up all the Hatchimals in the Fargo-Moorhead area prior to Black Friday Matters.

These two brothers bought up all the Hatchimals in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area prior to Black Friday Matters.

Fargo, ND – The Good News is: There is no shortage of Hatchimals in the FM Observer area.

The Bad News is: If you want this year’s hottest Christmas item, you will have to pay a pretty penny to the two brothers who bought up all the Hatchimals that came into the Red River Valley.

Brothers Mario and Dario Jurkovich had the foresight to quickly buy up all the Hatchimals from all the stores in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

The Jurkovich brothers estimate that they have 3,500 Hatchimals currently in their basement.

This pair of Hatchimal Hoarders are now selling individual Hatchimals to desperate parents and grandparents for $500 each. :o)

However, their Black Friday Matters special is two Hatchimals for only $999!

To avoid long lines of people at their front door, wishful buyers must first call them and then follow a series of clues that will lead customers to a secret kiosk where Mario and Dario are selling their super supply of Hatchimals.

So, Happy Hanukkah Holiday Hatchimal Hoarder Hunting!

Wife Divorcing Husband For Christmas Shopping At A Strip Mall

Leave a reply
caption here

Better think twice before shopping at a strip mall!

Fargo, ND – A Fargo woman is filing for divorce after finding out her husband was doing some “Christmas shopping” at a strip mall.

Maxine Garrison said she was driving by a local “strip mall” when she allegedly saw her husband walk into that strip mall. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. So I called my husband on his cell phone. When he said he was still at work, I knew something was up.”

Mr. Lewis T. Garrison later tried to explain in vain that he was just out doing some last minute Christmas shopping for his lovely wife and also wanted to pick out a nice card from the Hallmark store for his wife of 19 years. However, divorce papers have already been filed and the matter is now headed for the dreaded Divorce Court.

Maxine Garrison warns: “If husbands think it’s just OK to go spend time in some seedy strip mall, especially just before Christmas, then they damn well better be ready to lawyer up!”

Kids: The Christmas Presents Are In Your Parents’ Cursed Egyptian Sarcophagus

Leave a reply
AD_White_Sarcophagus

Notice anything different in your parents’ bedroom lately?

Fargo, ND—You can stop searching. The Observer has learned exactly where your parents are storing your Christmas presents, and it’s not in the location you’re used to. Your gifts are trapped in a centuries-old tomb of the deceased.

Yes, your mom and dad are tired of your constant snooping and as a result, have gotten wise to your yearly antics. They’re not keeping your presents in the same location as before. No, they’ve unearthed a historic relic in which they’ve hidden your precious treasure.

That dusty old stone sarcophagus sitting in your parents’ bedroom contains your gifts, and they’re being guarded by a spiritual eminence. If you dare peek your head in there (let alone place your grubby little hands upon the hieroglyphics), a cursed Egyptian king will rise from it and feast upon your wretched soul.

The Observer recommends you quit jerkin’ around that dusty old mummy box until your parents recite the necromantic incantations that free the darkest evil from within. Christmas is almost here.

Missing Cat Found Wrapped Up Under Tree

Leave a reply
Here Kitty Kitty!

OMG! Where’s Felix?

Fargo, ND – After their dear sweet cat went missing for two days, the Dumstone family desperately dialed 9-1-1.

Specially trained canine units were brought in to hopefully sniff out the lost feline.

It turns out that Felix was found under the Dumstone’s Christmas tree after it had inadvertently been wrapped up as a present (most likely by Grandpa who arguably has dementia.)

Other than being extremely hungry and starved for affection, Felix was fine since Grandpa had somehow thought to put some high-grade medicinal catnip into the box with the cat.

Moral of the story: If you see any Christmas presents moving around on their own, better cut back on your pills, or ask Grandpa if he remembers doing any gift wrapping.

Wrap Framed Art To Decorate Your Home For Christmas

Leave a reply
caption here

Wrap it up!

North Pole – With the Christmas and Festivus holiday season almost here you probably have all your shopping done, trees decorated, stockings hung up, cards sent out and cookies in the oven.

If you want a fun and easy idea to transform your home into major Christmasland, wrap your hanging framed pictures!

Of course, the back sides don’t need to be wrapped like an actual present, but it certainly changes the feel of any room quickly!

The other nice thing is it covers up pictures that might not be on board with the Christmas holiday theme and the paper can be reused to wrap oxymoronical “future presents”.

This is a wonderful tradition we here at the FM Observer have been doing for hundreds of years after the idea was passed down to us from our progenitors and which we now want to pass on to you and yours.

Lisa Donadio tweeted: “That is SO cute! Thanks for the clever idear.”

Carmen Cook said: “Leave it to the FM Observer to have such great creative holiday decorating tips.”

The best thing about this trick is that it’s such a double whammy: you get rid of the art that is not particularly Christmasy AND you get wrapped presents in its place! It’s easy, affordable, and fun too. Just like drinking eggnog, it really does make things festive.

Mary (and Joseph) Christmas from the FM Observer and hava Happy New Year!

Stephen Kink’s New “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” Promises To Change Christmas Forever

Leave a reply
Death Santa

I’m toxic and here for revenge.

Toxico, NM – A new book by Stephen Kink which is scheduled to be released before Christmas will permanently alter your holiday mindset.

It’s a dark tale about the “original” Santa who after being poisoned multiple times with toxic cookies and milk decides to get some revenge.

Book reviewer Kade Hygene said: “After I started getting into this book, my whole body was shaking like a hand-held electric massage machine.”

“Some of the book is written in normal prose style with instructive narrative. But whenever it goes into the rhyming poetic style, that’s when it’s time to lock the doors and plug the chimney,” warns Kade.

Look for “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” wherever scary books are sold. It promises to change your attitude toward Christmas forever.

Consider Giving Komodo Dragons For Christmas

1 Reply
caption here

Make this the best Christmas ever!

Dragoon, AZ – Are you looking to give your loved ones a Christmas gift to show how much you cherish their existence in your life? Consider giving them a full-grown Komodo Dragon.

Would you like to give your sworn enemies something to scare the shih tzu out of them once and for all? Consider giving them a full-grown Komodo Dragon.

Have you been looking for a solution to the barking little dog problem next door? Consider releasing a full-grown Komodo Dragon into their fenced-in back yard.

If you’re a lizardophile and like things large, the Komodo Dragon is unparalleled in the large lizard category.

With some growing up to ten feet long, just imagine the reaction you’ll get when you chase down Mr. Road Rager who flipped you off at the last intersection and who now gets to meet your 200 pound pet.

For a nice side income, consider breeding the Komodo Dragons and selling their young. The normal life span of these prehistoric creatures is about 30 years so there’s a lot of time to get attached to these fun carnivores who can swallow a goat in about fifteen minutes.