Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Koi Ponds Provide Hungry Families With Unlimited Fish

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Don’t need to be koi Roy, just get yourself free.

Fishtrap, Kentucky – Vegetable gardens are a great way for budget-conscious families to reduce their food costs, which have been on the rise lately due to increasing governmental regulations.

Another great way to save money, and which is quickly gaining popularity around the country, is to build your own koi pond.

Koi are Japanese carp which are known for their beauty and taste.

“Having your very own koi pond in your backyard is a wonderful idea” says Ms. Sue Dohnim, president of the National Carp Foundation. “If you have a well-stocked koi pond, you are smart. If you don’t, you’re stupid.”

Just imagine being able to go out and fish for fish for dinner. And there are so many different ways to prepare the slimy suckers: carp cakes, carp salad, carp sandwich, carp in beer, deep fried carp chips, poached carp, pickled carp, carp gumbo, steamed carp, carp fries, grilled cheese carp, buttermilk carpjacks, carp chowder, carp burgers, sweet and sour carp, carpsicles, spicy cold carp soup, serbian carp, baked carp, carp sausage, carp milkshakes, river carp tacos, northern carp stew, southern carpuppies, eastern carp sushi rolls, and midwest carp casserole.

If that’s not enough to make you hungry, try fasting for three days and then walking by your neighbors backyard after they just finished stocking their brand new koi pond with twenty multi-colored koi fish.

For more information on building your own koi pond, call 1-800-KOI-POND, or simply click on healthcare.gov and ask to speak with a convicted navigator.

Dr. Finance On Making Big Money With Garage Sales

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Think of your garage as a mini Wal-Mart store.

Fargo, ND – As promised, Dr. Finance is back once again to help answer any financial questions that you may have. Since almost everything is somehow related to money, Dr. Finance can help with most any question that is scratching your head.

Today’s question comes from Trudi Milkweed from Money, Mississippi. Trudi asks, “Dear Dr. Finance, can my family and I ever make a million dollars just by having a bunch of garage sales?”

Dr. Finance: Well, Mrs. Milkweed from Moneytown, the short answer is “Yes”. You and your family, if properly motivated, can certainly expect to earn a million dollars by having garage sales. The reason why I am so confident about this is because Dr. Finance has personally done it!

If your family has a thousand garage sales, each earning $1,000, that would be your million dollars right there. Five hundred garage sales each earning $2,000 would also get you to your goal. If you set your goal, and have it in writing up on your wall, and look at it every day, it will happen. Here’s how:

In order to have that many garage sales, you will need a continuous flow of stuff to sell. Use your God-given brainstormer to come up with as many ways of cheaply finding items to sell as you can.

For instance, you’all can find under-priced items at other garage sales, search all the charitable stores for fixer-uppers, ask companies for donation items, have your family members make craft items, make baked goods, breed kittens and puppies from stray animals you find, sell fresh garden items from your garden or someone else’s garden, and so on and so forth. The possibilities are endless. Have the kids constantly working to keep those sale shelves stocked. Have your husband quit his job to help out on a full-time basis.

Trudi, you need to start thinking of your garage as a Mini-Walmart. Have good signage to route people to your driveway. Make sure you have colorful balloons out. Set your prices low enough to sell but high enough to make some profit. I hope that helps. Good luck to you, and please let us know when you have reached your goal!

Previous helpful articles by Dr. Finance include: Underwater Mortgage Problems and Making Money By Reading The FM Observer.

Winning Powerball Lottery Ticket Being Sought In Knoxville Landfill

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One piece of paper worth millions in and amongst millions of pieces of paper.

Knoxville, TN – The lucky person who purchased the winning Powerball ticket worth an estimated $259.8 million believes that she may have accidentally lost the winning ticket in her kitchen garbage bag which is most likely now in the Knoxville community landfill.

On the night of the drawing, Mrs. Ina Pickle noticed that her one Powerball ticket matched all of the Powerball numbers that were reported on the late local evening newscast in her Knoxville area on Wednesday, June 11.

Before going to bed, she had safely put the winning ticket on her kitchen counter over by the trash bin.

Early the next morning, she quickly ran to put out her garbage for the approaching garbage truck workers.

About an hour later after some coffee, she realized that the winning Powerball ticket must have blown into the trash because the kitchen window had been left slightly ajar during the night.

Mrs. Ina Pickle, along with several hundreds of other people from the region, are now reportedly madly searching through all of the garbage in the massive Knoxville landfill for a chance to find that winning unsigned Powerball ticket.

Officials from the Tennessee Lottery say that whoever finds that winning Powerball ticket and brings it to their main offices will have their choice of the full annuity amount or the lump-sum pre-tax amount of $153,000,000.

Man Who Weds Daughter Fathers His Own Granddaughter Whom He Marries

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Here we go a-walking

Here we go a-walking

Moorhead, MN – Bernard Kingsley of rural Moorhead married his own daughter, Trixi, after the mother lost her battle with King, their pure-bred pit-bull.

The wedding of Bernard to his own daughter Trixi was accompanied by soft music along with numerous lowered mumbles and raised eyebrows from some of their guests who attended the incestuous ceremony.

A few months later, Trixi gave birth to Bernard’s first granddaughter, a small young girl whom they named Adell.

As fate would have it, Trixi ended up divorcing her father, blaming their split on “irreconcilable quagmires”.

Once again, as you can imagine, wedding plans are in the works. Bernard will soon be marrying his very own granddaughter, Adell, who is now a precocious six years old.

The new nearly-weds are registered at Toys-R-Us and Lego-Land, if you would like to gift the happy couple.

And if you would like to attend this very special upcoming wedding ceremony, Bernard is selling admission tickets to join with them on their special day of matrimony.

Ticket prices range from $100-$500, depending on location, location, location.

All proceeds will go towards their honeymoon, which is going to be two fun-filled weeks down in Disneyworld.

During their absence, King will remain at home, to protect the family jewels from any unwanted shinanigans.

Janitor Charged With Fondling Church Organ

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Forgiven but not forgotten.

Moorhead, MN – Unhappy church officials at the House Of God Inc. are investigating an alleged fondling of their church organ.

A man who had apparently dressed himself up to look like the church janitor was caught groping and fondling the large organ in the main church sanctuary.

The man, whose name is Peter Sexmeyer, was later discovered to be a level two sex offender who was also being sought in both Texas and Colorado for similar assaults on other smaller church organs.

Church president Mrs. Valerie Clankster said on behalf of their stunned congregation: “I think it’s very creepy that someone would do such a thing in our beloved church. It feels like our worship space has been violated. It will be hard to forgive this lewd and sinful act because now, whenever we sing our hymns, we’ll be thinking of that fricking pervert having sex with our big organ.”

Will this church congregation ever get past this salacious incident? Probably.

Will this church organ ever be the same? Probably not.

Will this sexoholic pseudo janitor get prison time for this organic act? Maybe not.

Should you be on the lookout for sex-crimes against your church organ? Maybe yes.

Lady Attacked By Lobsters In Grocery Seafood Section

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Lobster Mobsters

Moorhead, MN – We’ve all walked by the bubbling lobster tank in the meat and seafood area of a grocery store.

While doing some recent shopping in a popular Moorhead grocery store, Mrs. Maxima Underhill began walking past the lobster tank area.

Unbeknownst to Maxima, two rogue lobsters had just staged a successful escape from their over-crowded waterworld.

Working as a team, they had assisted each other in slipping off the constricting hand-cuffs from their large main pincer claws. These two large on-the-loose lobsters were now armed and dangerous.

According to the official police report, Mrs. Underhill was suddenly lobstruck by these two lobstrosities as she walked near their tank. The victim allegedly sustained numerous wounds to her arms, neck, and face.

The two perpetrators, who are now being held in a guarded holding tank, each had an extensive criminal record. As in some of their previous assaults, these lobster mobsters quickly worked as a team to crawl up their victim’s arms while pinching small deep pincer cuts using their main pincer-claws.

This crime of opportunity caused immediate lobsteria in the store as the word spread of the alleged attack. Many people in the region are now suffering from lobsterphobia as a result of the bizarre incident.

The local Red Lobster restaurants have reported a dramatic drop in business since Mrs. Underhill’s unexpected misfortune. In an effort to calm public fears, the popular restaurant chain says they will immediately begin doing full background checks on all their lobsters.

USS Enterprise Coming To Fargo Airport

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Beam me up, Scotty!

Fargo, ND – Whether you’re a faithful fan of Star Trek or not, everyone can get excited about an upcoming visit to Fargo by a famous legendary icon.

The starship USS Enterprise (NCC-1701) is scheduled to come to Fargo for the next AirShow. Captain Kirk’s famous space cruiser will be landing at the Fargo Airport.

You and your whole family will be able to come aboard the actual USS Enterprise and explore it from the inside. Go up to the bridge to sit in the captain’s chair and maybe even honk the horn.

Some of the original crew members will be coming along to answer any questions that you might have. Star Trekers Spock, Sulu, Uhura, and Chekov are all planning on making the trip to Fargo to explore strange new worlds and to seek out new life and civilizations.

Lt. Ross Cooper is the official event scheduler for the USS Enterprise. “After travelling to all parts of the universe, we realized that our beloved starship has never been to Fargo, North Dakota”, he says.

“Hopefully folks in Fargo will be as excited about our visit as we all are. Please stop by to see this amazing starship out at the Fargo Airport. We can even beam you aboard so you don’t have to walk up all the stairs.”

World-Wide Jogger Returns Home To Nobody

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No Welcome Home. No Celebration. No Nothing.

No Welcome Home. No Celebration. No Nothing.

Joggins, Nova Scotia – Archie Blackburn set out 22 years ago to jog around the entire world. He had jotted this goal down on a bar napkin after a few margaritas and then decided to really do it.

The next day, when he began his trek, many close friends and loving family members wildly cheered him on his way.

After more than two decades of jogging through every country in the world, Archie finally made it back to his own driveway, expecting a huge welcome home party.

Instead, there was no one. Not one sign of human life existed where his home once was, and where his family once lived.

Mr. Blackburn indeed had achieved what he set out to do, to jog around the entire globe. But this goal-jotting globetrotter has no idea what happened to his wife and children and probable grandchildren.

Archie Blackburn, and now his only friend, a giant guardian bumblebee named Buzz, who’s been following and protecting Archie ever since he jogged through South America, finally made it back from a world-wide jogathon only to discover that he was now entering the Twilight Zone.

If you know anything about the where-a-bouts of Archie’s long-lost family, please twitter a tweet to (hashtag) #WheresMyFrickinFamily?

Bean Bag Toss Game Goes Back To Caveman Days

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Early cornholers practicing their craft.

Early cornholers practicing their craft.

Moorhead, MN – A new recent archaeological finding shows that cavemen played the Bean Bag Toss game.

This ever-popular game is also called CornHole since bags of corn were used by cavemen during times of abundant harvest to glorify their gods.

Early Game expert Minga Tortendorf says this latest discovery just outside of Moorhead, Minnesota is very important.

“It shows that early cavemen and cavewomen played the Bean Bag Toss game just as we do today” she explains.

“This is the first real evidence that we have of early humans actually playing any type of games.”

The next time you and your family, friends, or co-workers are playing CornHole (or as some simply call it: CornHolio), just imagine the earliest settlers played the exact same game way back around 42,000 B.C.

Minga’s closing thoughts: “By playing CornHolio, it sadly shows that in some ways we have not progressed much at all from Cro-Magnon days. If you really want to show how much we’ve advanced since the dawn of life, perhaps consider having a Bocce Ball tournament, or at least go fly a kite like Thomas Edison for heaven’s sake!”

Cloned Cloners Create Two-Headed Mule

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Researchers now able to clone two-headed animals say humans are next.

Researchers now able to clone two-headed animals say humans are next.

Madison, WI – After one researcher bet that it could not be done, another had to prove him wrong.

At the University of Wisconsin Cloning Center, history has once again been made. Two researchers, who are each a clone of the famed Scottish biologist Ian Wilmut who created Dolly the cloned sheep, have collaborated to expand the limits of what can be.

Their resulting creation is two identical cloned heads of the same original mule attached together at opposite ends of the same body.

Its creators note that it’s quite interesting to watch Ying-Yang trying to decide which direction to walk.

The entire cloning world is obviously abuzz about the endless possibilities. Their thinking now is: If we can do this, we can do pretty much anything!

“If we’re at the point where two cloned researchers can create a two-headed mule just while cloning around, the only limit to what we can do is our imaginations” says Dr. Brave Neworld, Executive Director of the newly named Cloning Around Center.