Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

New Events Being Added To Winter Olympics

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One new Olympic event is the Doughnut Eating Contest!

Sochi, Russia – Olympics officials have announced some new and exciting events that will make their international debut at the Sochi Winter Olympic Games.

SnowCat Fights: Women from opposing countries try to run each other over while driving treaded snowcat mountain machines.

Vertical Toboggan Run: An exciting 100-foot vertical drop straight down in a small wooden toboggan. Watch out at the bottom!

Avalanche Survival Test Event: Team competition that awards one point for each team member who survives a real-life avalanche. 

King of the Hill: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Whoever can stand at the top of the giant snowpile for a full ten seconds is declared the winner.

Team/Individual Snowball Fights: This is a high-speed cross between DodgeBall and PaintBall except it is played with snowballs, none of which can be pre-made.

Donkey Kong Races: Multi-faceted racing event in which participants are blind-folded, covered with a gunny sack, and then spun in circles, just before the start gun.

Penguin Shooting Contest: Just imagine skiing to the next shooting location, drinking a shot of vodka, shooting real penguins, and then repeating this over and over.

Snowman Build & Destroy Event: Another team event which should really be a crowd favorite!

Snow Angels: Individual competition but held in two different categories – Gay and Straight.

Ice Skate Throwing: With such sharp blades, this one can get bloody dangerous, as the Brits would say.

Find the Black Widow Suicide Bomber: This is a special team event for the Sochi Olympic security staff.

North Korean Glee Club To Tour America

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North Korean National Men’s Glee Club will tour the USA with Dennis Rodman

Pyongyang, North Korea – The North Korean National Men’s Glee Club will soon be coming to the United States.

In a deal recently hatched by North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un and U.S. Envoy Dennis Rodman, the impressive singing group will be touring all 57 states in America.

As a special gift from North Korea’s Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un has declared that Dennis Rodman will act as official tour host and defection chaperone.

The tour dates for each state will be announced once Dennis Rodman completes his required detox and rehab stemming from a recent run-in with the law.

The North Korean National Men’s Glee Club, under the direction of Mr. Sing Long Song, will be performing works which have all been written by Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un. Each song is about twenty minutes long. Some song titles include: We Love Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Un Is Great, Dennis Rodman Is Our Friend, and We Have Nukes So Watch Out.

Travelling throughout the country by bus, each singer will be staying in host-family homes. If you are interested in hosting a singer, or want more information about this exciting tour, please contact Dennis Rodman at 1-800-THE-WORM for more specific details.

Breaking Bad Creating New Crop Of Chemists

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Everything needed to make crystal meth is on the Periodic Table.

Albuquerque, NM – The AMC TV series Breaking Bad recently won a much-deserved Golden Globe award for best dramatic TV series. Bryan Lee Cranston also won a Golden Globe for best actor in a TV dramatic series. He plays a high school chemistry Teacher who must deal with some family issues due to a medical problem.

A top research institution called the Western Area Learning Tree (or W.A.L.T.) has compiled some interesting statistics on the effect that Breaking Bad is having on our culture. One of the main take-aways from W.A.L.T.’s findings is that there is now a significant increase in the number of high School students wanting to go into the field of Chemistry.

Math and science had seen a long and Progressive decrease in interest by students ever since the Sony PlayStation first came out. Since the first Breaking Bad episode, Professor Betsy Carbunkle describes a 10-15% increase in students wanting to go into Chemistry for their chosen field of study when going on to higher education. Betsy says: “It’s quite encouraging that a show like Breaking Bad can have such a positive effect on what’s going on with today’s students.”

Unfortunately, the research is showing that Most of these students want to become chemists so they can learn how to cook their own crystal meth, just like on Breaking Bad. Also of concern, the number of high school crystal meth users has increased a remarkable 4800% since Breaking Bad broke onto the scene.

DeFenders of the show say that just as playing violent video Games doesn’t make youngsters more prone to violence, so does Breaking Bad not necessarily increase society’s usage of crystal meth. Jesse Tweeker said on his Methblog: “I believe that Breaking Bad shows the down-Side of crystal meth usage and therefore ultimately has an over-all positive effect on a generally Negative societal issue facing our country’s future Residents.”

Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America

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The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

Fargo, ND – Fargo is proud to recently be named the drunkest city in the nation.

How proud is Fargo of this new distinction? So proud that the Fargo City Commission immediately passed a unanimous resolution declaring Fargo’s new slogan to be: Fargo is the Drunkest City in America!

National pollsters who came to Fargo said that virtually everyone who was interviewed admitted they had engaged in binge drinking at least five times within the past week.

Even more surprising was the fact that 80% of the people who were randomly selected to be questioned were drunk at the time of the survey.

One Fargo resident involved in the survey was Curby Feelers who said: “Just because I’m drunk, don’t mean I’m stupid.” Curby then proceeded to walk into a large tree that jumped out in front of him.

All of the other cities and towns on the National Drunk List were considered amateur compared to Fargo. The survey said: “When it comes to getting and staying the drunkest, Fargo is in the professional category.”

Now, let’s all fill our mugs, and toast to Fargo! The most bad-ass drunkest city in the United States of Beermerica!

Dr. Fenster Helps Answer Some Baby Questions

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Maybe Baby thinks you’re stupid.

The FM Observer is proud to add another expert to our growing staff. Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. is a well-respected pediatrician with special training in teaching parents how to identify the causes of some of the problems they might be having with their baby.

We really hope these 20 tips will be helpful to some new parents with new babies. All 20 of the problems have been bolded for quick reference in case of emergency.

Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. says:

If your baby is yellow, maybe baby is jaundice because it has contracted Hepatitis A.

If your baby is turning blue, maybe baby is choking on that chicken bone you gave it to play with.

If your baby always tries to scratch your face, maybe baby doesn’t like how you look.

If your baby is fussy and you believe in reincarnation, maybe baby didn’t want to be born again.

If your baby is making repeated hand gestures, maybe baby wants you to learn sign language.

If your baby is pointing and laughing at you, maybe baby thinks you’re stupid.

If your baby seems hungry but will not eat, maybe baby thinks you’re a shitty cook.

If your baby hasn’t messed its diaper in days, maybe baby doesn’t give a crap.

If your baby has tummy trouble, maybe baby ingested some cleaning products you left out.

If your baby needs to burp a lot, maybe baby shouldn’t be drinking a bottle of sparkling champagne.

If your baby wants more stimulation, maybe baby doesn’t like living in a cardboard box.

If your baby wants less stimulation, maybe baby is freaking out from watching Nightmare On Elm Street.

If your baby won’t sleep, maybe baby has started using crystal meth.

If your baby sleeps all the time, maybe baby is clinically depressed because it hates your family.

If your baby is constantly teething, maybe baby has gingivitis and needs a root canal.

If your baby feels hot, maybe baby shouldn’t be wearing a down jacket while drinking hot cocoa.

If your baby feels cold, maybe baby has frostbite from being left outside.

If your baby wants to be held, maybe baby is afraid of the pair of pit bulls under its crib.

If your baby doesn’t want to be held, maybe baby doesn’t trust you after being dropped multiple times.

If your baby is crawling on the ceiling, maybe baby and you are trapped inside the movie Trainspotting.

Dr. Niles Fenster M.D. would be happy to hear if any of these tips have helped you and your baby. If you have other problems, please do not hesitate to contact our newest staff expert for more excellent free advice. The phone number for Dr. Fenster is: 1-800-MAYBE-BABY.

Priceless Document Eaten By Fargo Dog

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Schnauzer devours priceless Thomas Edison documents.

Schnauzer devours priceless Thomas Edison documents.

Fargo, ND – Retired teacher Olydia Blankstad was living in her modest home at 414 Gregory Lane on a very limited retirement income from 50 years of teaching American history.

At the ripe age of 86, she had lost both her first and second husbands to cancer, and was now living with her faithful pet schnauzer, Mister Biscuits.

Recently, Olydia decided to look through some old stuff in her dusty, cold attic.

While snooping around, she discovered a very old folder that was hiding in a secret nook in the wall.

After she carefully pulled it out and blew off the dust, she opened up the aged, brown folder.

Looking through her tri-focal glasses, her eyes gazed at something that took her breath away.

The contents of the folder appeared to be the original documentation for patent number 223,898.

It was dated November 4, 1879.

The patent had been requested by a Mr. Thomas Alva Edison.

It was for an electric lamp that “used a carbon filament or strip coiled and connected to platina contact wires”.

Up in her attic, Ms. Olydia Blankstad had just found the original patent application for the incandescent light bulb.

Not long after, some top experts were called to Olydia’s home to check the authenticity of the document.

Once it was found to be the real thing, it was estimated that the value of the original light bulb patent was worth an astounding $10 million dollars.

After years of being poor, Olydia Blankstad was going to be mega-rich.

The experts temporarily put Thomas Edison’s light bulb patent down on the kitchen table to go into her living room to set up for a group photo shoot that was to be used in all the national publications.

While unattended, her hungry pet schnauzer wandered into the kitchen.

Mister Biscuits was curious about the old document and proceeded to jump up onto the kitchen table.

A few minutes later, when the photographer came into the kitchen to retrieve the valuable patent, he saw Mister Biscuits just finishing eating his $10 million dollar snack.

Upon hearing the news, Ms. Olydia Blankstad suddenly died of a heart attack.

Mister Biscuits was later put down.

And the incandescent light bulb has now been banned by our government.

Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Denies That He Denied Being Gay

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A denial of a denial is a confirmation that Aaron Rodgers is gay.

A denial of a denial is a confirmation that Aaron Rodgers is gay.

Green Gay, Wisconsin – Shortly after quarterback Aaron Rodgers recently denied being gay, he came out and denied that he made the original denial. The starr quarterback for the Green Bay Packers is essentially denying that he denied being gay.

To help analyze this mind twister, the FM Observer has asked Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D. to make sense of all this for us.

FM Observer: Dr. Farrell, what is going on here?

Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D.: Well, this is indeed a mind twister. A denial of a denial is getting into advanced psycho-analytics very quickly and deeply. Because I am a professional, I would say this is either a healthy thing for Aaron Rodgers, or it could be quite toxic. To first deny being gay, and then to deny the initial denial, could be a positive confirmation of Mr. Rodgers’ gayness. It could also be the result of multiple concussions leaving his brain in a permanent state of confusion. Unfortunately, it could also be a sign that lies upon lies are beginning to pile up. Aristotle once said: “The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousand fold.” Aaron Rodgers tried to prove he was not gay by stating that he is happily married. But this argument fell apart when it was discovered that his spouse’s first name is Bruce. Whether he is or is not gay is not the main issue here. What could become a serious problem is going down that dangerous path of denying a denial of a denial. If it never stops, it can be like walking into a house of mirrors, without wearing a helmet.

Do You Know Whose Mouth This Is?

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Guess whose mouth this is and win a treasure chest of prizes.

Successfully guess whose mouth this is for a chance to win a treasure chest of prizes.

FM Observer Headquarters – As you know, January is National Mouth Month.

So, back by popular demand, we are once again having our annual Guess Whose Mouth This Is contest.

The winner will win a treasure trove of prizes selected expecially for that person.

Last year’s winner was Tubby Chitlin from Backwater, Arkansas.

Tubby successfully guessed the mouth of Clint Eastwood.

Tubby is hopefully still enjoying his stockpile of prizes, which included: two graphite plungers, a Mr. Science Ant Farm, an autographed picture of Shania’s Twain, and two unused tickets to the 1987 Super Bowl!

All you have to do to be our next wiener is successfully guess to whom does the pictured mouth belong.

All correct entries will be thrown into a special hat and our next winner will be randomly selected by our staff monkey, Tarzan.

Results From Our Year-End Photo Caption Contest!

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Orange you glad the government is so generous?

Orange you glad the government is so generous?

Thanks to all of FM Observer’s creative readers, we received more than 500 entries to our FM Observer Year-End Photo Caption Contest!

Here are the Top Ten Captions that were submitted to go with the “Bag O’ Oranges” picture.

Each caption is listed along with the name of its author. Thanks and enjoy!

#10 Mentha Sandling: This is a pictorial example of “Trickle Down Economics”.

#9 Rollo Noaks: Who rhymes with Or’ange? Of course, it’s Julian Ass’ange!

#8 Fred Dwiggle: Juwanna play tennis today or would tomorrow work better?

#7 Camelia Hayride: OK, let’s have a show of hands. Who votes for a bag of oranges?

#6 Blanco Brandywine: Thou shalt not bite the hand that feeds you.

#5 Ruby Fairbarns: Sinners seeking fruit from the forbidden Orange Tree of Knowledge.

#4 Hilda Grockins: Sold! To the man in the striped shirt, for 10 Drachma!

#3 Yolanda Gawker: I don’t like this picture, and I do not want to enter your stupid Caption Contest.

#2 Gilly Buttons: Oranges, Vodka, I’m thinking of drinking some Screwdrivers, yes?

#1 Chica Headstone: Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.

Besides winning some major bragging rights, Miss Chica will receive a grab bag of Fun Toys from the Fun Toy Corporation, plus a week’s worth of dry dog food from Pet Me Corporation, and two one-way tickets to Winnipeg, Canada!

Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon

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Why do you think they called him "Buzz"?

Why do you think they called him “Buzz”?

Los Angeles, CA – At the swanky home of Sir Ashton Kutcher, plans are well underway to begin the Earthification of the Moon.

Ashton Kutcher and Buzz Aldrin are self-appointed co-chairmen of the Moon Earthification Project.

Even tho they don’t agree on every detail of Project Moon, one thing they do agree on is: “Once we’ve established a McDonald’s restaurant on the McMoon, then everything else can build off of that. As long as early Moon workers can go get a few McNuggets and a McFries, things should start to seem Earthly” said General Kutcher to the Moon Project Groupies.

Red-eyed Buzz Aldrin then went on to describe some of the other exciting plans: He will be opening a large moon bar called “Just Buzzed”.

His friend, Neil Armstrong, along with the Michael Jackson Neverland Foundation, will be building the Moon Walk Mall, which Donald Trump says “will be fabulous”.

Moon Unit Zappa, daughter of the late great Frank Zappa, will be naming each new community Moon Unit #1, Moon Unit #2, and so on, and so forth.

The Chinese have already begun construction of an exciting series of Olympic-style Ping Pong Parks all connected by a nexus of smog-free bike paths.

Iran is building multiple nuclear reactors which will supposedly only be used for generating power, according to Secretary John Kerry, who will be personally doing monthly verificational inspections.

Affordable ObamaCare Health Centers will be available for anyone who has recently lost their health insurance due to ObamaCare, and whose combined annual income is less than $23,000, and who has voted Democratically in the last six election cycles.

Ashton Kutcher sums it all up like this: “The Earthification of the Moon has begun and is now unstoppable. The more we can make the Moon like Earth, the more people are going to want to make the move to the Moon, which will result in less people on Earth, which should hopefully slow down global warming due to the build-up of extremely toxic gases such as Carbon Dioxide.”

When axed what role he would like to play in all this, Ashton Kutcher thoughtfully admits that he wants his main goal to be the minimization of the sexploitation of minors on the Moon, by such heinous groups as the Catholic Church, and the nefarious Sexaholic Politicians Anonymous.

If you would like more information about getting YOUR ass to the Moon, please go to www.Healthcare.gov and simply click on the “Moon Unit” icon, near the top of the page. Don’t forget to enter the passcode: BUZZ.