Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

New Government Board Game: The Red Line

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"The Red Line" is a new fun family board game.

“The Red Line” is a new fun family board game.

Washington, DC – The Obamadministration is mandating that all Americans will need to purchase a new government board game called “The Red Line”.

It is, in part, designed to educate the American public about the current Syrian Crisis.

It will also hopefully help build support for Congress to back President Obama’s desire to bomb the hell out of Syria for its continued alleged use of chemical weapons.

This new board game is not only fun for the whole family, but will also teach players about actual evidence collected by the U.S. Government regarding the Syrian leader’s nefarious crimes against humanity.

Each player gets to set their own Red Line. If any other player crosses your Red Line, you can then decide whether or not you want to punish them into submission, let it go unpunished for a week or a month, or wait to see if Congress votes to get the United States involved in another wasp-nest quagmire.

Fun game cards throw in some crazy random twists to your growing problematic situation, such as: President Obama shows strength by going golfing, Secretary John Kerry offers free ketchup to the entire Middle East, Ambassador Dennis Rodman plays basketball with Syrian President Assad.

60% of all proceeds from “The Red Line” board game will go to the Democratic Party to support their candidates in the upcoming 2014 and 2016 elections. The other 60% will help build President Obama’s Presidential Library which has been designed to be transparent, just like his presidency.

Any American citizens who choose to not purchase “The Red Line” board game will be crossing another red line, punishable by a $250,000 fine and up to 10 years in a federal prison.

Pink Eye SuperBug Is Highly Contagious

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EYE1PX1Pink Hill, North Carolina – Just as millions of children are heading back to school, researchers at the Pink Eye Research Village (PERV) in Pink Hill, North Carolina are studying a new pink eye superbug which is not only very highly contagious, but which also has new ways of spreading.

The normal pink eye (or conjunctivitis, for all you scientists) is the inflammation of the clear lining inside the eyelid and on the white of the eye. It is basically spread by having contact with a person who has it and is best prevented by thorough washing of hands. The inflammation gives the eye its distinct pink color.

Dr. Conrad Madras, who heads up PERV, says that the new pink eye superbug turns the person’s entire head pink and is spread in a number of new and disturbing ways.

German physician Dr. Klaus Schmid, who is a member of the PERV team, explains that the new superbug can be spread by looking at someone who has the new pink eye. “No matter what the distance is, if you look at an infected person, you yourself will be infected, and your entire head will eventually turn pink.”

Italian Dr. Fabiola Giordano is studying how the superbug is spread by coming in contact with any pink clothing. “Any clothes that are pink can be the transfer mechanism for someone to get the pink eye superbug, which loves to hide in and amongst bright pink clothing.”

Chinese researcher and ping-pong player Dr. Li Tsao is very concerned about the new pink eye superbug being contracted through email. “If someone who is infected with the new superbug sends you an email, and you happen to open that email, you will soon have a full-blown case of the new pink eye. We have never seen anything quite like it.”

If you are concerned that you may have possibly been exposed to the new pink eye superbug, you can call the PERV staff at 1-800-PINK-EYE. If you’re in the North Carolina area, you can also stop by the PERV center. Just look for all the pink buildings, and enter at your own risk.

Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group Busts A Move

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Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group: Killa Vanilla

Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group: Killa Vanilla

The FM Observer is proud to introduce a hot new 2-man White Rap Group to the Rap World. They are from Fargo, North Dakota and their name is: Killa Vanilla.

FMO: What are your names and how would you describe your rap?

KV: Our names are John Wilcox (left) and Nick Gilborn (right) and our rap music is best described as White Motivational Rap.

FMO: Do you have any favorite rappers that might be considered your idols or mentors?

KV: No, not really. We kind of do our own thing.

FMO: Are you planning on just being a 2-man group?

KV: Eventually we would like to add some female back-ups and call them The Waifs (as in our favorite cookies, the Vanilla Wafers, do you know what I’m saying?)

FMO: Can you give us a flavor of some of your lyrics?

KV: Certainly. Thank you for asking. Here’s a song called “I Am Losing It” which should be on our first album:

I am losing it, and I’m losing it bad, yo
Used to be happy but now I’m so sad, yo
Everyone telling me what I shood do, yo
Paint this car red, no now paint it blue, yo
Bringing in treats, hiding behind my back, yo
Cupcakes laced with crack, heart attack, yo yo, yo
Break it down brother, cuz I need a beer, yo
It’s time to go, go, cuz we are OUTTA HERE, yo!

FMO: That is amazing! How did you get the name Killa Vanilla?

KV: That name came from a song called “The Peeps In Our Hood”, which should be on our second album:

The peeps in our hood down wits us, nice to know ya
We gots the street cred and a resume to show ya
Do you know what i’m saying now Mister Gorilla
We now hava name and it be: Killa Vanilla
Trying so hard to always give our maxilla
Mascot’s in a cage cuz it a full grown chinchilla
We’re always on vacation living in a new villa
Prince Charles agrees and so does Camilla.

FMO: Well, that is very kick ass. Thanks for sharing. Have you entered any competitions yet?

KV: We signed ourselves up for the White Rap Competition down there in Dubuque, Iowa. Hopefully we can take home a 1st place trophy.

FMO: You certainly should win with such genius lyrics. The peeps down in Iowa are in for a real treat when you guys from Fargo show up. Have you written anything special for that particular competition?

KV: We wrote this one especially for the White Rap Competition. We think it could possibly break into the Top Ten White Motivational Raps. It’s called: “Break It Down For Me Sucker”, and it should be on our third album:

Break it down for me sucker cuz you know i’m the boss
Every rhyme’s a winner even when it seems like a loss
My teeth and gums are healthy even though i don’t floss
I sleep for free when i want at the local red cross
Break it down for me sucker cuz you know i be great
My sisters are lezbo but somehow i ended up straight
Waking up early and busting rhymes until late
Foreigners listen to me cuz we take time to translate
If you need any help call the Secretary of State
Break it down for me sucker, yeah
Break it down for me sucker, yeah
Break it down for me sucker, no
Break it down for me sucker, yo
We outta here.

An Interview With Vice President Dan Quayle

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The smartest Vice President of all time

The smartest Vice President of all time

Former Vice President Dan Quayle was recently spotted roaming around western North Dakota. The FM Observer caught up with him for an interview.

FMO: Thank you for doing this interview with the FM Observer. You were Vice President of the United States. Do you feel you get all the respect you deserve?
Dan Quayle: I deserve respect for the things I did not do.

FMO: Some quotes attributed to you either show questionable judgment or perhaps they were simply misstatements?
DQ: I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.

FMO: Looking at the US map, you’ve been doing some travelling lately. How do you feel about the Left Coast?
DQ: I love California. I practically grew up in Arizona.

FMO: What about Hawaii?
DQ: Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island, that is right here.

FMO: The global picture is always changing. Describe your thoughts regarding our neighbors to the South, our European NATO allies, and the Middle Eastern quagmire.
DQ: I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.

FMO: We’ve sent men to the moon. What are your thoughts on our current space program?
DQ: It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system. Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite. For NASA, space is still a high priority.

FMO: What are your feelings about family and family values?
DQ: I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child. Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.

FMO: Do you think we’re winning the war on education?
DQ: We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world. What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.

FMO: You obviously know how to win an election. It all comes down to votes, doesn’t it?
DQ: Votes are like trees, if you’re trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point, the pollsters will probably say you will win. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

FMO: What are your thoughts concerning the Republican Party?
DQ: If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure. Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It’s the other way around. They never vote for us. I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

FMO: Why do you think so many banks are threatened by failure?
DQ: Bank failures are caused by depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.

FMO: Don’t you think it’s great going Green to decrease pollution and save the Earth?
DQ: It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

FMO: In general, Mr. Vice President, with all things considered, what direction do you think our country will be going as we move forward?
DQ: It’s a question of whether we’re going to go forward into the future, or past to the back. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change. People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. The future will be better tomorrow.

FMO: Do you have any final advice or lessons to pass on, as part of your legacy?
DQ: If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.

FMO: Thanks again Mr. Vice President for agreeing to do this interview. One last question: Was it Al Gore who invented the Internet, or was that actually Dan Quayle who did?
DQ: If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented Spell Check.

Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness

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When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

Sochi, Russia – As a strong sign to the international community that Russia is becoming more open and friendly, Russian leaders have let it be known that the upcoming 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi will, in part, be a giant gay pride celebration.

Ever since Sochi was chosen back on July 4, 2007 by the International Olympics Committee to be the site of the 2014 Winter Games, the Russian government has been working hard to be more sensitive to the gay lifestyle and to make gay athletes from all countries feel welcomed in Mother Russia.

All competitors are encouraged to wear rainbow colors while at the Russian games. The Sochi International Airport will have hundreds of rainbow flags (as seen in the picture) displayed to welcome gay and lesbian athletes from Austria to Zimbabwe.

Mr. Igor Kuznetsov, who heads the Russian Olympics Preparations Committee says to “think of the Sochi 2014 Winter Games as Russia’s giant coming out party for gay rights and the gay lifestyle in general. If Liberace was still alive, he probably would have been playing for our opening ceremonies.”

As another sign of good will, the Russian government is considering the temporary release of the imprisoned members of the all-female punk band “Pussy Riot” and having them perform at the Olympics. Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Adele, and Sir Paul McCartney all have indicated that this would truly be a loud and positive message “From Russia With Love” to the rest of the world.

Obama To Take Over Leno’s Tonight Show

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Obama will be the new permanent host of the Tonight Show

Obama will be the new permanent host of the Tonight Show

Burbank, CA – In a surprise move, NBC has announced that President Obama will take over for Jay Leno as host of the Tonight Show.

Jimmy Fallon was slated to be the next host of the show but those plans have “gone out the window”.

NBC executives speaking under strict conditions of anonymity (Bruce Devlin and Shirley Jarvis) basically said during a short press conference that the government is taking over the show.

President Obama will be the new permanent show host. Members of his cabinet or any of his various czars will fill in as needed when the President is out of the country or busy playing golf.

As for Jimmy Fallon, his comment to all this was: “I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was damn good at it.”

The President’s spokesman is saying that as soon as President Obama takes the show over, it will be produced at the White House. You can expect a long line of Democratic guests, especially as we get closer to the 2014 and 2016 elections.

White Man To Marry Black Bear

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Ted & Barry ask: Please bear with us as we join our lives together.

Ted & Barry ask: Please bear with us as we join our lives together.

Beartown, Pennsylvania – When Barry Ambrose was growing up as a young boy, he loved his stuffed black Teddy Bear. Unfortunately, that original Teddy Bear was suddenly lost when his family’s home went up in flames.

That loss was almost more that Barry could bear. But his love of bears never left him over the years.

As a grown man, Barry set out on a wilderness adventure loaded for bear. He was as hungry as a bear to find a grown-up replacement for his youthful friend.

Now bear in mind, most folks are looking to get away from large black bears. But Barry Ambrose kept hoping that his search would eventually bear some fruit.

One day, when he was just about to give up hope, he finally found what he was looking for. It was truly love at first bite.

Barry and Ted met in an angelic open meadow full of colorful flowers and fluttering butterflies. After they greeted each other with a large bear hug, they continued to frolic in the forest for a fortnight.

Not long after that, they were making plans to get married. Pastor Toni Thompson, who is going to be performing the wedding ceremony, said the two have a very special connection and their own way of communicating with one another.

Even though many friends expressed reservations about a white man marrying a black bear, Barry said they decided to not just grin and bear it, but to smile and do it.

Barry explains: “It’s always a special feeling to fall in love, especially when you’re being pursued by a bear. What I love about Ted is his unpredictability.”

After they were able to bear the brunt of much initial strong criticism from friends and family, they have plans for a large outdoor wedding, followed by a honeymoon in Yellowstone National Park. During the winter, they both will probably hibernate for a few months.

Google To Image Inside Of All Homes

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Google Home-View coming to your place

Google Home-View coming to your place

Mountain View, CA – Google recently announced that their controversial Street-View cameras will soon be coming into your home. Ready or not, your home or apartment will have a Google Home-View camera probe and document your personal dwelling space.

This stunning announcement came from the main Googleplex campus near San Jose, California. Google spokesperson Rosemary Belch said: “Think of this as a colonoscopy of your home.”

With state-of-the-art equipment, a Google Home-View representative with a back-mounted 9-directional digital camera will enter your home unannounced.

By law, you must allow the Google representative to enter your residence. Heat-sensing lenses will show them if anyone is trying to hide inside the home. If your house or apartment is unattended, they will enter on their own, with a universal key.

Once inside, they will quickly send high-definition panoramic pictures of your entire living space up to one of many orbiting Google satellites. Some selected homes will be photographed in 3-D images.

Ms. Belch explained: “Since the Street-View cameras already have the outside of your home, now with the addition of complete Home-View images, the entire world will not only know where you live, but also how you live.”

The uses for the Home-View images will be endless, claims Google. Everyone from law enforcement to insurance companies to potential burglars will benefit from seeing a panoramic tour of your living place.

If you happen to be at home when your Home-View imaging is being done, you are asked to simply sit in your favorite chair and smile for the cameras.

FM Observer Wins Best Website Award

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FM Observer Wins Award

FM Observer Wins Award

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it has been selected to receive the prestigious Best Website Award. This amazing award came with a short note from the selection committee: “For continuously raising the bar for other websites to meet, we bestow this top award to the FM Observer. May you continue to thrive and lead by example for generations to come. Congratulations on a job well done!”

Obviously, this award came as a shock to us. On the Richter scale, this would be right up there with O.J. selling his Heisman trophy. “We’ve won some other minor awards before but never anything like this!” said a random staff member who was jumping for joy on his desk. “It’s amazing to see so many people all laughing and crying at the same time” said another.

A top team manager put it this way as she popped open a cheap bottle of champagne: “With a staff of over a hundred associates, it just goes to show what can be accomplished with a little hocus focus and a lot of elbow grease. We would mostly like to thank our readers and fans for their loyalty and also our parents for all of their unsolicited feedback.”

Our President and CEO, who wishes to remain anonymous for tax reasons, believes that since this award is the result of everyone’s contributions, from the managers and team leaders down to the translators and proof-readers, this award will be shared equally by all. Just like the Stanley Cup, the trophy will travel from home to home of everyone who helped make this possible. After it makes the rounds, it will finally come to rest in a special trophy case in the lobby area of our main corporate campus headquarters office building, right next to the coffee fountain.

Red River Valley Fair Freak Show

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Come see the Freak Show for some indelible memories

Come see the Freak Show for some indelible memories

Fargo, ND – When the Red River Valley Fair comes to town later this month, it is bringing more than just the Tilt-A-Whirl and Merry-Go-Round.

After many years of being locked in the closet due to political incorrectness, the Freak Show will triumphantly make its return.

If you’ve been having a hankering to see normal-challenged plants, animals, and homo sapiens, you’ll definitely want to pay admission to see the Freak Show, now back in its full glory.

All under one large Freak Show tent, you will be able to see a six-foot Venus Fly Trap that eats hamburgers, a two-headed sheep, the famous Bearded Lady, and the Human Pin Cushion.

You’re guaranteed to see at least thirty serious freaks at any one time. Every day at 4 o’clock there will be a Freak Parade where all the freaks (that can walk) will parade around the Midway to hopefully bring back a long line of business into the Freak Show tent.

Some of the other freaks you may see include:

  • Donkey Man
  • the Human Bowling Ball
  • the Three Sisters (that share the same body)
  • the Woman with Crocodile Skin
  • an animal that’s half dog and half monkey
  • Two-headed, one-nosed, three-eyed, double-mouth calf
  • the only living Cyclops
  • an Albino Family
  • Mr. Hotdog Fingers
  • plus a plethora of dwarfs and midgets along with 8-foot Mr. Goliath

At the bottom of every hour, the host for the Stage Show is a Three-Legged Man whose identical brother has real fish gills and sits in his water tank bedroom.

Pictures and videos are allowed in the Freak Show tent so bring your camera and smart phones. Just like some of the rides at the fair, the Freak Show will take your breath away but is safe and fun for the whole family.