Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Fargo To Legalize Pot Holes

pothole1PM1Fargo, ND – In what some consider a bold move, the City of Fargo is highly considering legalizing pot holes and breaking with long-standing Federal Law.

Some states have recently gone the route of legalizing what many find to be a societal nuisance. After hashing it out to some late-night Pink Floyd, Fargo officials are now showing indications they might be ready to legalize the ubiquitous “problem”.

Those in favor of legalizing pot holes say their existence is just a reality of life, put here by Doctor God, and that people just need to learn to get real, and adapt their minds to reality.

They point out that since Fargo is way too busy fighting floods and mosquitoes, and because we don’t seem to be winning the war on pot holes, legalizing them is what makes the most sense to anyone who cares.

Fargo Police are totally not stoked about the idea of legalizing pot holes. These badged law enforcers argue that everyone knows that pot holes are a gate-way problem that can lead a neighborhood into deeper problems, eventually increasing crime rates and reducing property values. Officer Merv Climeworth rapped: “Show me a street with pot holes and I will show you a street with cracks, lots o’ cracks.”

The Fargo Street Department has long had a special website to allow citizens to anonymously report pot holes. Despite much supposed hard work to maintain Fargo streets, pot holes push their way to the street surfaces.

One Street Department worker mumbled: “Those darn pot holes seem to multiply like frickin weeds in the Spring. It’s crazy out there!”

His supervisor jumped in: “Ever since pot holes were demonized in the movie Pot Hole Madness, they’ve been given quite the bad rap with mucho negative connotations. Do you know what I’m saying?”

Tom Wilson once thought: “Mondays are the pot holes in the road of life” which shows the level of hatred held by at least one person toward the main subject of this article.

The last word on this whole pipe-dream of a project goes to Harry Bong who tweeted: “Everyone, just take a chill pill, man. If you don’t like ’em, just steer to swerve. Don’t pop a joint out of your shoulder socket, cuz you’re freakin out, dude!”

Fargodome Target Of Wacko Protest Group

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You can’t spell Fargodome without ‘God’

Fargo, ND – Well, they’re at it again! The extremist left-wing wackos that tried to ban the Ten Commandments from downtown Fargo are up to another equally fretful plot.

By using powerful empirical logic, these pseudo-Vulcans believe in complete and total separation of church and state as is prescribed by the U.S. Bill Of Rights. Any nano-violation of this cardinal sin is fair game for the omnipresent mental focus of these non-emotional agnostic brainiacs.

The next battle to be fought by the non-profit group known as the Red River Freethinkers will be over the name of the Fargodome. The word “GOD” is curiously placed exactly in the middle of “FARGODOME”  and this is apparently not acceptable, and must be changed, according to the Freethinkers.

A hooded spokesthinker for the shady freethought group explained: “Either the name of the Fargodome needs to be changed or this will make us feel isolated and uncomfortable enough that we will need to perpetually protest this blatant violation of what we think is permissible and non-permissible. We have decided that having the word ‘GOD’ in the middle of the name of a city-owned facility is egregiously offensive within the confines of the freethought dogma perspective.”

Surprised Fargodome officials say that the management group of the building, which was built on university land back in late 1992, has never been aware of the fact that “GOD” clearly sits in the middle of their huge signage. Attorney Steve Reeves declared, “Any reference to a higher power in the building’s name is totally coincidental and should not be interpreted as bridging the separation of religion and government.”

The Freethinkers continue ramping up their plans to protest this new problematic situation which will most likely add to their membership. Ironically, becoming a member of the Freethinkers is not free. The cost to join this band of freethinking practitioners is $15 for a student, $30 for an individual, and $45 for a family.

By keeping their name in the headlines and growing their clout, other issues will be able to be addressed in the future, such as: removing “In God We Trust” from all money, stopping politicians from attending church services, and ending all news coverage of Pope Frank on NPR and Public Television.

One wonders how the Freethinkers will react when they realize what word is in the middle of the name of a popular furniture store in the area: ETHAN ALLEN.

Start Your Own Bucket List Club

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Kick Me!

AnyWhere, USA – Not long after hearing about the 2007 blockbuster movie “The Bucket List”, my spouse-mate and I decided to start our own Bucket List Club.

We thought the idea of having on-going lists of things we each wanted to do before we “kicked the bucket” was a cool idea.

Taking that one step further, starting or joining a Bucket List Club is a great way of regularly getting together with other Bucketeers to discuss and share ideas, review and add to your lists, as well as check-off the items you’ve already accomplished.

Just remember that it’s never too early (or too late) to start a list of things you would like to do or accomplish before you kick the proverbial can.

Here are 25 fun ideas you may want to consider adding to your own Bucket List (if they’re not already on it), or at least these may get your creative juices flowing to brainstorm some others, that you can perhaps share at our next meeting.

  1. Check-in to a homeless shelter and spend the night.
  2. Follow a police car around until it pulls over.
  3. Greet people as they walk into Wal-Mart and ask for I.D.
  4. Sneak in little bottles of rum to add to your Designated Driver Cokes.
  5. Stand up at weddings of strangers and say “I strenuously object.”
  6. Write a novel and then read it during open-mic night at a poetry lounge.
  7. Pretend to be completely blind for a day.
  8. Throw Dots at people in a movie theater.
  9. Enter a poker tournament and play the race card.
  10. At the mall, have a loud animated argument with your smart phone.
  11. Volunteer at the Humane Society long enough to release all the dogs.
  12. Respond to panhandlers and solicitors with: “Sorry, I do not speak English.”
  13. Stand almost motionless in the front window of a clothing store.
  14. Call a hotel front desk from home and order some room service.
  15. Attend a local Catholic mass dressed as the pope.
  16. Visit retirement home residents and claim you’re “family”.
  17. Put out signs directing people to a garage sale at your neighbor’s house.
  18. Try talking a used-car salesman into selling you a car for $1.
  19. Capture wild rabbits and breed them for money.
  20. Call into local radio talk-shows and ask them why they called you.
  21. Loudly yell out “Drinks on the house!” in a packed bar.
  22. Laugh before the punch-lines, while attending a comedy club.
  23. Experience a rustic Carnival cruise – without toilets, food, and power.
  24. When out with Karaoke friends, sign up to sing the entire Lord’s Prayer.
  25. Start your own Bucket List Club!

VooDoo Sun Doctor To Fix Global Warming

SUNBALLERpx1Alice Springs, Australia – A young VooDoo priest who calls himself Legba (pronounced Leg-Ba) claims he can actually help Planet Earth with its global warming “fever”.

Mr. Legba has apparently done some incredible things involving the sun in his native northern Australian backwoods area.

His fellow tribesmen, from the aborigine group known as Walwallie, claim this VooDoo superstar was born with some very special powers to affect and control the sun’s energy and temperament.

Legend has it, that on the day Legba was born, there was both a total solar eclipse and a region-wide power outage which affected most of Australia.

This gifted aboriginal Australian VooDoo medicine man has now caught the attention of the US-led global warming alarmists. There is talk that Legba will soon become the first-ever U.S. VooDoo Czar.

He and his support staff will possibly be working with a group of Scientologists and a new government agency call the CCC: The Center for Climate Control.

Their funding for this important project will come from a new global warming tax, along with the proceeds from an upcoming movie called “Can Legba Save Planet Earth?”, in which Legba will play himself.

Speaking through a translator, Legba, whose native language is Andakerebina, would like everyone to know that 1. “VooDoo works”, and 2. “Now is the time to act and the time to act is now.”

Legba, and his lovely wife Ayezan, will temporarily be staying in a comfortable two-room hut in the White House Rose Garden, until more permanent hutting can be provided for them.

New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool

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Will work for food.

Mendham, NJ – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is changing the perception of fatness. What used to be a “problem” that needed to be “corrected” is now becoming a virtue that makes a person more respected and have more gravitas.

In flaunting his expansive obesity, Governor Christie has been sending a message that it is not only OK to be fat, but it’s actually cool and something of which one can be proud.

Governor Christie has been making a name for himself politically by trying to tighten the belt of New Jersey’s budget and put a stop to pork-barrel spending in his state. But personally, he has been doing just the opposite. While fighting a war in his state to cut excessive waste, his own waist has expanded excessively.

In a direct response to New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s recent ban of sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces, Governor Christie decided to ban any soda pop sales in containers less than 16 ounces.

From the New Jersey capitol rotunda, the rotund Chris Christie recently announced a new challenge to students of all ages in his state. Similar to the “Be Like Mike” Gatorade commercials, Governor Christie’s new program is called “Eat Like Chris”. The program invites the next generation to be like the Governor and fill out their figures by eating as much as they want and don’t worry about getting any exercise.

Any students who reach a weight-to-height ratio of 70 pounds per vertical foot will earn the new prestigious Governor’s Honor Award and be invited to an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Governor’s mansion.

So, for example, any New Jersey students who are 4.5 feet tall would need to weigh a minimum of 315 pounds to reach Governor Christie’s challenge goal.

Rather than being embarrassed by all the jokes about his weight, Governor Christie is showing others that those jokes will only hurt you if you let them hurt you.

Jimmy Fallon once joked that Gov. Christie probably thought that the Gaza Strip was a type of steak and spoke of the Governor’s heroic effort to bravely rescue a Tostito that fell into his artichoke dip. But the fact that all those jokes don’t bother the Governor is really helping others to put on more pounds of their own and feel good about it.

Look for Gov. Krispy Kreme to continue to throw his weight around while weighing in on weighty decisions. He can always be counted on to continue fighting against raising taxes on fast food, or food, in general, of any type.

Downtown Fargo To Have Permanent Alcohol Checkpoints

policedog2pm1Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be implementing a system of mandatory alcohol checkpoints to make it virtually impossible to leave the downtown area without getting sniffed by a police dog.

According to the new Police Downtown Checkpoint Task Force, there will literally be “no way” to exit the heart of the downtown Fargo area without ending up having your vehicle searched and your body probed.

Not only will the latest technology be used to hunt down drunk drivers, but keen police smell-dogs will be used to decide if you’re heading to jail.

Police officers have also been trained in special interrogation techniques effectively used by the FBI in its war against domestic terrorism.

“We realize this could really hurt the downtown bar businesses, but isn’t it worth it if we prevent just one accident?” said an anonymous police spokesperson.

City officials believe that this new initiative should also help with the POP program (Plenty Of Parking) because up until now, all agree that POP has been a miserable failure.

“By discouraging all those party people from coming downtown for a ‘good time’, we should have ample parking available for non-drinking decent citizens.”

Of course, there will be a few special groups of people that will be exempt from these on-going mandatory personal intrusions. All city commissioners, police, politicians, government employees, and catholic priests will not be subject to these new permanent checkpoints.

For all others, remember to avoid the downtown area from now on, if you want to have some fun and not end up doing time.

Dr. Finance Answer$ Another $tupid Que$tion

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Dr. Finance answers your stupid questions.

The Money Doctor is back once again to address one lucky reader’s inquiry. If you have any stupid questions about money or finance that you might like to have answered, simply leave them down below in the comment section of this post (if you can figure out how to leave a comment).

Today’s question was sent in by Miss Leesha McHoarder from Frackville, Pennsylvania!

Frackville Leesha asks: Dear Dr. Finance, Can frequent visits to the FM Observer website help me financially?

Dr. Finance responds:

Dear Leesha of Frackville, You have asked a great question. It is great because it caused me to do a great deal of research, which then had to be boiled down into a short answer. It’s a question because you are seeking an answer, and it ended with a question mark.

Dr. Finance has done his due-diligence along with the requisite research and finally reduced the answer to the question down into a short poem. (Besides having a PH.D. in Financial Questions and Answers, Dr. Finance also minored in poetry!)

Dr. Finance’s poetic answer to Leesha’s stupid question:

Daily readings of the FM Observer
Can provide some much-needed extra fervor
Avoid dozing off and being a car swerver
This satirical site can be a life preserver
Food for thought like a good hors d’oeuvrer
Plus images for the brain thru your optic nerver
Whether you’re a lib or a fiscal conserver
Here’s some free cash from the Federal Reserver!

DOLLAR1

 

 

 

 

If you have any stupid questions about money or finance that you might like to have answered, simply leave them down below in the comment section of this post (if you can figure out how to leave a comment).

State Insane Asylum Reopens Due To High Demand

Insane Asylum

Welcome back! We were expecting to see you again.

Jamestown, ND – The State Hospital in Jamestown, ND will be having a Grand Re-Opening soon. After being closed for decades due to political incorrectness, the State Insane Asylum will be resuming operations due to a large spike in demand. Authorities have noticed a sudden growth in the population of crazies in the region.

“Jamestown’s infamous State Hospital is the perfect facility to house them all”, explains Dr. Semor Tranzelvit. “The buildings are in adequate condition and will need no updating or refurbishing from their previous years of service”, believes Dr. Transzelvit.

He goes on to explain that patients will be grouped according to their personal challenges. “All the schizophrenics will be housed together, as will the lunatics, the manic-depressives, the liberals, and the just-plain-crazies.”

Lunches will be force-fed along with usual daily state-of-the-art shock treatments. Just by coming here, all patients automatically agree to be subjects of advanced experimental testing, which is how they can earn extra snack credits.

Jamestown will once again become the location of one of the most progressive insane asylums in the Upper Midwest.

If you think you might need the special attention a facility like this can provide, please call 1-800-ME-CRAZY and answer a few simple questions from one of the friendly staff associates.

Dog Show Winner Actually A Polar Bear!

POLARBEARpm1New York, NY – The 137th Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show has been rocked by scandal.

Shortly after the Best-In-Show winner was named at Madison Square Garden, it was discovered that the winning dog was actually a polar bear cub, named Knut.

Obviously, this development is a huge embarrassment to this most prestigious and longest-running dog show.

The owners and handlers of the imposter “dog” are Amak and Akrittok Arjalinerk from the Yupik Eskimo tribe, which currently resides in north-central Alaska.

Mr. and Mrs. Arjalinerk had apparently entered the young carnivore into the dog show, not knowing that polar bears cannot compete in this canine-only event.

Inexperienced dog show officials must have initially assumed young Knut was legit, and categorized him as an American Eskimo Dog, which belongs in the Non-Sporting Group.

After winning his best-of-breed competition amongst all the other American Eskimo dogs, Knut went on to wow the crowd that watched the Non-Sporting Group competition.

Judge Florence Males of Pleasant Hill, CA was completely fooled by the bear cub as she named him winner of the Non-Sporting Group, which qualifiied Knut to participate in the final Best-In-Show competition.

Unbelieveably, the Best-In-Show judge, Michael Dougherty, named the polar bear to be the ultimate winner of 137th Annual Dog Show.

Mandatory blood testing after the dog show revealed that Knut was, in truth, a member of the animal Family Ursidae (Genus Ursus), which undeniably proves that the dog show winner will one day grow to weigh 1,500 pounds by eating a steady diet of seals, walruses, and probably a few stray dogs.

New Flashcards Make Learning Chinese Easy

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Learning to speak Chinese has never been so easy!

China Town, CA – Have you always wanted to be able to speak fluent conversational Chinese, but thought it was too difficult to learn? When eating at a Chinese restaurant, have you often wondered what the owners are saying?

Now, because of a new break-through in learning the Chinese language, you too can be speaking perfect Chinese in a matter of weeks. The Flash-Learn Company has put together a new set of language flashcards that make it possible for anyone to easily learn how to speak and understand Chinese.

Most Americans already know that the Chinese way of saying Table Tennis is “Ping Pong”. Many know how to order some favorite Chinese dishes such as “Egg Foo Young” in the native Chinese tongue. But beyond that, Chinese has been almost impossible to learn…until now!

Chinese characters are known as pictographs. Each flashcard has a picture of the word, along with its associated English term, and finally the actual authentic Chinese pictographs. (Click on the above picture to zoom in on an actual example flashcard!)

Scientific studies have shown that a basic functional literacy of the Chinese language requires a knowledge of between three and four thousand characters. Mandarin Chinese has 21 consonants and 16 vowels. They can be combined together to create more than 400 mono-syllabic sounds. The Flash-Learn company has done all the work for you by putting together one complete set of flashcards to make learning Chinese easy peasy.

Quiz yourself or team up with a partner. Start team competitions for some real fun!

Here’s what some real people are saying about these amazing flashcards:

  • Morton Philips: “I had no idea that learning to speak Chinese could be so easy.”
  • Lori Lingle: “Not only can I now speak fluent Chinese, but I understand all that chatter at the Chinese restaurants.”
  • Dick McScott: “These flashcards helped me land my dream job of being a translator for multiple government agencies.”

Order now, and you will get all of the Flash-Learn flashcards for only $19.99, plus shipping and handling.

But wait…if you order one full set of flashcards for the price of two, the Flash-Learn Company will give you one extra set for free!

Go ahead and order now, and don’t be the last comrade on your block who can speak fluent Chinese.