Category Archives: Offbeat

Horoscopes For The Week Of November 15, 2015

1 Reply
Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Avoid getting drawn into a conversation with a stranger today. Not so much because he’s a stranger, but because he’s just way too excited for you to see what’s in the back of his van.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
A mid-week rush of energy will inspire you to make big changes in your life, but once that leftover Halloween candy runs out you’ll be right back to complete apathy.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The good news is that mole you’ve been watching for weeks is not cancerous. The bad news is you seriously need glasses and that mole is a Lyme disease-carrying tick.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Even though wishing doesn’t make it so, just the thought of your boss being eaten alive by rabid raccoons will provide much needed therapeutic relief later this week.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Although your nephew is always awestruck when you find a quarter behind his ear, it will become painfully obvious that Officer Johnson does not share your nephew’s appreciation of magic.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Your world will be rocked this week when a casual family dinner conversation reveals the shocking truth that pickles are in fact just small fermented cucumbers.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
You will be tempted to follow the crowd this week, but try to remember that one person is not a crowd and the restraining order against you is still in effect.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Your lucky numbers this week are 8 6 7 5 3 0 9. Actually, the stars just think it’s super funny that you’re going to have that damn Tommy Tutone song stuck in your head all day.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Challenging yourself could reap big rewards this week. However, trying to say “Jurassic!” 20 times a day isn’t exactly the type of challenge that pays noticeable dividends.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
One of your prayers will be answered this week. Unfortunately, God is way behind on answering prayers, so you may want to make room for that pony.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Experimenting with yet another questionable internet facial treatment will not only leave you with egg on your face, but Salmonella in your eye as well.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Your nurturing side will be inclined to comfort those around you this week, but your psychotic side has drastically different plans for them.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of November 1, 2015

1 Reply
Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
You may want to record all conversations with your partner this week, because there’s no way your friends are going to believe the epic tsunami of profanity that is about to flow out of you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Although your fear of needles will nearly derail your flu shot, your I’m-getting-ready-to-bolt-from-this-germy-clinic-chair OCD routine will keep you paralyzed just long enough to get ‘er done.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
If you see a penny, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck. Assuming you can outrun that panhandler, who isn’t really blind after all.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Be wary when a coworker asks you for help this week. If he’s smart enough to mastermind a company-wide conspiracy to get you fired, he’s smart enough to fake a heart attack to accomplish his goals.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Shifting patterns in the outer planetary orbits will do absolutely nothing to save you from your complete lack of common sense this weekend.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The stars are warning that you only have 2 more chances to say “I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore” before a certain Subway Sandwich Artist beats the crap out of you in the parking lot.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Advice from a friend may seem confusing this week, but it’s only because that person isn’t really your friend, and “Learn to drive, moron!” isn’t really advice.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
It would be in your best interest to pause a moment after the neighbor kid asks “Why are you so fat?” It could mean the difference between community service and life in prison.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Remember that every journey starts with a single step. Also remember that hot coals are really, really hot.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The onset of cool autumn weather leads you to rekindle an old flame this week, which brings comfort during a bleak time. Come on cheapass, just light your furnace already.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
When driving at night, if you have the thought, “Hmmm, so that’s what an actual deer in the headlights looks like”, stop thinking and just slam on your brakes.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
With Venus rising in Mars, your intuition will be keen this week when it comes to romance. Bonus tip: You should probably just go ahead and double down on Haagen-Dazs at the grocery store tonight.

Past horoscopes

Horoscopes For The Week Of October 25, 2015

1 Reply
Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Count your blessings today. Then write down that number. It’ll be helpful tomorrow when you can just subtract 1 from your total instead of counting all over again.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Going to bed early tonight will give you the necessary energy to capitalize on an amazing opportunity tomorrow. Oh, and you have bedbugs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
Although many people find your curious nature endearing, you’ll find out the hard way that your server at Applebee’s was not one of them.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Tuesday would be a good day to invite relatives over for dinner. Because right, like anybody says yes to a Tuesday night dinner invitation.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Your lucky numbers this week are 9 1 1. Well, maybe “lucky” is the wrong word, but you’ll definitely want to remember those numbers.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
The planets are aligned to make this one of your best romantic weeks in months. Also, your mother is a giant asteroid locked in an unstoppable collision course with your planetary alignment.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
With Jupiter coming into view, your desire to travel will strengthen this week, especially after the police serve you with that warrant.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Organization will be key this week if you ever hope to dig out of the hoarder hole you’re in.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
You’ll want to arrange for a ride home from the bar on Thursday, when you will realize too late that one step forward equals two steps back.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
It would be wise to brush up on your geometry this week, as the love triangle you’re in will evolve into more of a rhombus.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
If you happen to dig up a bag full of bones in your back yard this week, it’s probably time to have that tough conversation with your alter personality.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Take time this week to truly listen to the caucophony of barking dogs in your neighborhood. By Friday, you will understand more deeply than ever how important alcohol really is.

The Times They Are A Changin’

Leave a reply
Time keeps on slippin' into the future.

Time keeps on slippin’ into the future.

Time Square, Washington – Are you one of the many who forgot to move your clocks ahead last night?

Tonya Jo Thornbird from Fargo admitted: “Because we forgot to change our clocks, we missed our flight at the airport, so we then decided to attend our normal church service but missed that too.”

Maybe you chose to not participate in this arbitrary time change just like those mavericks out in Hawaii?

Charlie John Fritters from Moorhead declared: “I don’t like being told what to do, and when to do it, expecially by the government!”

Most likely, your clocks are all changed because you’re on top of everything, since you’re well informed, because you read the FM Observer.

Robert Allen Zimmerman from Malibu, California: “The slow one now will later be fast, as the present now will later be past, for the times they are a-changin’.”

Join FMO On A Whirlwind Trip Around The World

Leave a reply

Make New Friends While Seeing 100 Cities In 100 Days

Non-stop travel means non-stop fun!

Non-stop travel means non-stop fun!

Fargo, ND – We here at the FM Observer are gearing up for our 1st Annual Trip Around The World.

The plan is to hit one hundred cities in one hundred days of fun-packed adventure while making some new life-long friends.

This whirlwind world tour will include stops in such places as: Milan, Madrid, Melbourne, Mexico City, Minsk, Moscow, Monterey, Montreal, and Mutunopolis. Basically any city that starts with an ‘M’ is fair game.

In some cities we might be there for only a couple of hours especially if we can’t find any decent rooms to rent.

Travelers would need to have a valid passport and would be limited to one carry-on piece of luggage.

The total cost per person is unclear at this time so you’ll have to bring lots of money.

For more details, simply contact Fly-By-Night Travel and ask for Merlin. Tell him you’ll be traveling with the FM Observer group and that you want the “Fun Package”.

Ghost Convention To Be Held In Fargo, North Dakota

Leave a reply
caption here

Ghost convention coming to Fargo!

Fargo, ND – Living organizers of the International Ghost Convention have just announced that the next International Ghost Convention will be held in Fargo, North Dakota on Monday night, October 31st, or as most spiritual beings call it: Halloween.

Because of the large number of ghastly ghosts expected to attend, the Fargodome has been selected to be the haunted hang-out to house all these haughty hobgoblins.

Casper the friendly ghost, along with his uncles, the Ghostly Trio, have been asked to emcee this eerie event.

This annual convening of ghosts will officially begin at eight o’clock (post meridiem) and will gho until just before sunrise on Saturday morning, November 1st, when all the attendees will be heading back to their spirit world.

Fargodome staffers will need time on Saturday morning to clean up and set up for the NDSU football game in which the Bizon will be hosting the feral jackrabbits from South Dakota State University.

Update: Any brave trick-or-treaters are invited to come and join the fun. This would be a great chance to see the ghost version of the Fargo Airshow!

Many Concerned About UFO Lights South Of Moorhead

Leave a reply
UFO lights south of Moorhead almost a nightly occurrence.

UFO lights south of Moorhead almost a nightly occurrence. Where are they from? What do they want?

Moorhead, MN – Have you been seeing the unusual lights in the sky at night south of Moorhead? Have you and your family been wondering if they are real UFOs?

National UFO experts have now released an official statement from the National UFO Centre declaring that these “unusual lights” that have been showing up on a regular basis are indeed UFOs.

Multiple photographs taken with special digital lenses have proven that this is not a hoax.

Dr. Allen Greenman: “These UFOs are as real as real mayonnaise. Our only question now is why are they here and what do they want?”

Some Sabin residents are quite convinced that the alien ships are interested in having a high-level meeting with Senator Al Franken.

When asked why they believe that, their answer was: “Because we’ve seen banners hanging from the UFO windows saying that they are interested in having a high-level meeting with Senator Al Franken.”

Senator Franken was unavailable for comment but his answering machine did say: “Hi. If you’re calling about setting up a meeting with the Sabin UFOs, tell them I’m not interested, and that I no longer am a struggling comedian trying to make people laugh with silly jokes.”

World-Wide Jogger Returns Home To Nobody

Leave a reply
No Welcome Home. No Celebration. No Nothing.

No Welcome Home. No Celebration. No Nothing.

Joggins, Nova Scotia – Archie Blackburn set out 22 years ago to jog around the entire world. He had jotted this goal down on a bar napkin after a few margaritas and then decided to really do it.

The next day, when he began his trek, many close friends and loving family members wildly cheered him on his way.

After more than two decades of jogging through every country in the world, Archie finally made it back to his own driveway, expecting a huge welcome home party.

Instead, there was no one. Not one sign of human life existed where his home once was, and where his family once lived.

Mr. Blackburn indeed had achieved what he set out to do, to jog around the entire globe. But this goal-jotting globetrotter has no idea what happened to his wife and children and probable grandchildren.

Archie Blackburn, and now his only friend, a giant guardian bumblebee named Buzz, who’s been following and protecting Archie ever since he jogged through South America, finally made it back from a world-wide jogathon only to discover that he was now entering the Twilight Zone.

If you know anything about the where-a-bouts of Archie’s long-lost family, please twitter a tweet to (hashtag) #WheresMyFrickinFamily?

FM Observer Announces Summer Camp 4 New Observers

Leave a reply
caption here

You will love spending time with Mother Nature and her mosquitos will love you.

The FM Observer is excited 2 announce FMO Summer Camp. If you like 2 have a good time and are considering satirical writing as your chosen profession, then this camp is totally 4 you. This year’s exciting theme is: Imagine The Possibilities!

Each camp outing is a full 1-day experience which is cleverly sandwiched between 2 nights of sleeping in a tent. Here is the likely schedule 4 your full day of training…

DAY BREAKER (at Sun Rise)
Meet & Greet/Coffee & Name Tags: This is a chance 2 suck down some hot java, shake off the cobwebs, make some good first impressions, and try 2 find your phone. Each camper makes their own nametag by using a wood burner on a thin slice of authentic birchwood, which is then held around your neck with a real leather cord!

EARLY MORNING SESSIONS (All sessions are taught by various FMO Staff Members, sometimes decided by a last-minute coin flip, or by process of elimination.)
1. How 2 Observe: The basix 4 success in this biz.
2. Beginning Satire Training: What is and is not Satire?
3. Advanced Satirical Engineering: Some real exciting stuff!

LATE MORNING SESSIONS
4. How 2 Show Confidence: Attitude is everything.
5. Knowing Your Audience: Relationship building 4 life.
6. Expect The Unexpected: Always be prepared 4 anything.

LUNCH BREAK-OUT SESSION
7. Dealing With Twitter Trolls: Criticizing your critics.

EARLY AFTERNOON SESSIONS
8. Know The Difference Between Your/You’re
9. Know The Difference Between There/Their/They’re

LATE AFTERNOON SESSIONS
10. How 2 Be A Gladiator: Become a real fighter.
11. Focusing On Viral Content: Always think big.

EVENING GETOGETHER
12. AfterGlow: Caring & Sharing/Issues & Tissues
After an in-tents day of training, campers are encouraged 2 share their feelings about what they have been exposed 2 and how they are internally processing it all. Also, if you have ever been convicted of a felony, this would be a good time 2 discuss it.

LATE NIGHT BREAK-OUT SESSIONS
13. Understanding FMO By-Laws & Their Nuances: Some important stuff 2 know.
14. How 2 Know When A Bonfire Is Out-of-Control: This is a great reality check.

Disclaimer: By attending FMO Summer Camp, this in no way guarantees that you will become an official FM Observer. Only the best & brightest are then possibly selected 2 undergo an intense battery of tests 2 determine if they can go on 2 the next level of selectability. No bullying by campers will be tolerated unless it is during a bullying role-play exercise that is held as a part of a legitimate supervised training session. Also, each camper will need 2 bring with them their own food, beverages, tent, and camping supplies. They will also need 2 bring $500 cash in a sealed envelope 2 pay 4 the training sessions. No guns of any kind will be allowed on the premises. However, if FMO Summer Camp is attacked by bears, coyotes, or wolves, anyone with some other type of weapon that proves 2 be effective against the wild predators will score some major points with the FMO Staff.

Upworthy

Upworthy Headlines That Never Made The Cut

1 Reply

Upworthy

Upworthy is a website that uses click-bait titles to drive people to click their links. These are some headlines that didn’t make the cut.

George had a cyst on his balls. You won’t believe what happens next.
Sam got run over by a train. What he didn’t say will shock you.
Sarah didn’t like her boyfriend. What she did to his genitals will make you happy.
Jim crapped his pants. The next sequence of events will disturb you.
She killed her husband. What the deceased man said next is jaw dropping.
He was addicted to drugs until a smiling elephant with a hat and a bow tie changed his life.
What this baby produces in his underpants will scar you for life.
Man sticks head in alligator. You will not believe why someone told him not to.
Man dresses like woman. Acts like a woman. Is he a woman?
Jon was helping Jim with his wardrobe malfunction. He put what where?
This is the greatest video to ever exist so watch it.
Everyone has secrets. See what this Alien had to say.
This tampon commercial will blow your mind.