Tag Archives: headlines

VooDoo Sun Doctor To Fix Global Warming

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SUNBALLERpx1Alice Springs, Australia – A young VooDoo priest who calls himself Legba (pronounced Leg-Ba) claims he can actually help Planet Earth with its global warming “fever”.

Mr. Legba has apparently done some incredible things involving the sun in his native northern Australian backwoods area.

His fellow tribesmen, from the aborigine group known as Walwallie, claim this VooDoo superstar was born with some very special powers to affect and control the sun’s energy and temperament.

Legend has it, that on the day Legba was born, there was both a total solar eclipse and a region-wide power outage which affected most of Australia.

This gifted aboriginal Australian VooDoo medicine man has now caught the attention of the US-led global warming alarmists. There is talk that Legba will soon become the first-ever U.S. VooDoo Czar.

He and his support staff will possibly be working with a group of Scientologists and a new government agency call the CCC: The Center for Climate Control.

Their funding for this important project will come from a new global warming tax, along with the proceeds from an upcoming movie called “Can Legba Save Planet Earth?”, in which Legba will play himself.

Speaking through a translator, Legba, whose native language is Andakerebina, would like everyone to know that 1. “VooDoo works”, and 2. “Now is the time to act and the time to act is now.”

Legba, and his lovely wife Ayezan, will temporarily be staying in a comfortable two-room hut in the White House Rose Garden, until more permanent hutting can be provided for them.

NASCAR to Implement Performance Enhancing Chemical Testing

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Juicing?

Juicing?

Charlotte, NC – Our sporting era is one of constant concern and worry stemming from PED use and the speculation regarding which athlete is cheating and which isn’t. With only one out of the big 3 professional sports organizations (MLB) currently conducting a sensible PED testing program, the use of chemical supplements is thought to be at an all-time high.

This has NASCAR executives worried. Worried not so much about the drivers, but of the cars themselves. Basically, the nation as a whole is very curious as to why Jimmie Johnson finishes in the top five, like, all the time, so NASCAR fans and executives alike have been pushing to implement vehicle Performance-Enhancing Chemical (PEC) testing.

Now that NASCAR has developed what they call a “mission-appropriate testing system that won’t disrupt the flow of races too much”, the in-race screening will take place effective immediately. PEC testing will happen only during races, completely at random, as a means to bust illegally juiced-up cars.

Each pit crew will contain a NASCAR official who will execute quick and efficient PEC tests on vehicles during pit stops. He or she will test for helium in the tires, Red Bull in the fuel tank, SuperCOOL engine coolant, galvanized-lithium lugnuts, etc.

The PEC official will be aggressively pursuing these performance enhancers and many others—all of which are both highly effective and highly illegal. Any vehicle that is caught “juicing” will be handed down a swift punishment that is likely to involve driver suspension.

NASCAR hopes this will level the playing field for all the drivers and their respective vehicles. We will see if Jimmie Johnson is just that good or if his Lowe’s #48 has been crushing PECs.

New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool

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ORKFESTpx1

Will work for food.

Mendham, NJ – New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is changing the perception of fatness. What used to be a “problem” that needed to be “corrected” is now becoming a virtue that makes a person more respected and have more gravitas.

In flaunting his expansive obesity, Governor Christie has been sending a message that it is not only OK to be fat, but it’s actually cool and something of which one can be proud.

Governor Christie has been making a name for himself politically by trying to tighten the belt of New Jersey’s budget and put a stop to pork-barrel spending in his state. But personally, he has been doing just the opposite. While fighting a war in his state to cut excessive waste, his own waist has expanded excessively.

In a direct response to New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s recent ban of sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces, Governor Christie decided to ban any soda pop sales in containers less than 16 ounces.

From the New Jersey capitol rotunda, the rotund Chris Christie recently announced a new challenge to students of all ages in his state. Similar to the “Be Like Mike” Gatorade commercials, Governor Christie’s new program is called “Eat Like Chris”. The program invites the next generation to be like the Governor and fill out their figures by eating as much as they want and don’t worry about getting any exercise.

Any students who reach a weight-to-height ratio of 70 pounds per vertical foot will earn the new prestigious Governor’s Honor Award and be invited to an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Governor’s mansion.

So, for example, any New Jersey students who are 4.5 feet tall would need to weigh a minimum of 315 pounds to reach Governor Christie’s challenge goal.

Rather than being embarrassed by all the jokes about his weight, Governor Christie is showing others that those jokes will only hurt you if you let them hurt you.

Jimmy Fallon once joked that Gov. Christie probably thought that the Gaza Strip was a type of steak and spoke of the Governor’s heroic effort to bravely rescue a Tostito that fell into his artichoke dip. But the fact that all those jokes don’t bother the Governor is really helping others to put on more pounds of their own and feel good about it.

Look for Gov. Krispy Kreme to continue to throw his weight around while weighing in on weighty decisions. He can always be counted on to continue fighting against raising taxes on fast food, or food, in general, of any type.

Carrot Top To Visit Afghanistan In Peacemaking Venture

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Top, Carrot

Top, Carrot

Las Vegas, NV – Dennis “The Worm” Rodman, fresh back from his visit to North Korea, says to the press that “Kim Jong-un just wants Obama to call.” Although this saga is far from over, it teaches us a simple lesson: Sometimes all you need to do to make peace is reach out and touch someone.

Not one to be outdone, famous prop-comedian Carrot Top is making efforts to bridge the gap between these United States and the war-torn country of Afghanistan.

Top will be having his passport stamped en route to a visit with top Al-Qaeda brass this week in what he’s calling a “follow-up to what the Worm did” so eloquently in North Korea. Top states that “laughter is the best medicine” and that “all those terrorists need is a series of visual prop jokes” to ease their hatred for our country.

Top, with help from the CIA, is slated to arrive at a secret Al-Qaeda hideout as early as this Wednesday. He will ride in on a camel and be armed to the teeth with his trunk full of props in an effort to win over the terrorist organization.

If anyone can do it, Carrot Top can. Godspeed, ye hilarious redhead!

Downtown Fargo To Have Permanent Alcohol Checkpoints

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policedog2pm1Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be implementing a system of mandatory alcohol checkpoints to make it virtually impossible to leave the downtown area without getting sniffed by a police dog.

According to the new Police Downtown Checkpoint Task Force, there will literally be “no way” to exit the heart of the downtown Fargo area without ending up having your vehicle searched and your body probed.

Not only will the latest technology be used to hunt down drunk drivers, but keen police smell-dogs will be used to decide if you’re heading to jail.

Police officers have also been trained in special interrogation techniques effectively used by the FBI in its war against domestic terrorism.

“We realize this could really hurt the downtown bar businesses, but isn’t it worth it if we prevent just one accident?” said an anonymous police spokesperson.

City officials believe that this new initiative should also help with the POP program (Plenty Of Parking) because up until now, all agree that POP has been a miserable failure.

“By discouraging all those party people from coming downtown for a ‘good time’, we should have ample parking available for non-drinking decent citizens.”

Of course, there will be a few special groups of people that will be exempt from these on-going mandatory personal intrusions. All city commissioners, police, politicians, government employees, and catholic priests will not be subject to these new permanent checkpoints.

For all others, remember to avoid the downtown area from now on, if you want to have some fun and not end up doing time.

Dr. Finance Answer$ Another $tupid Que$tion

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DOLLAR1px1

Dr. Finance answers your stupid questions.

The Money Doctor is back once again to address one lucky reader’s inquiry. If you have any stupid questions about money or finance that you might like to have answered, simply leave them down below in the comment section of this post (if you can figure out how to leave a comment).

Today’s question was sent in by Miss Leesha McHoarder from Frackville, Pennsylvania!

Frackville Leesha asks: Dear Dr. Finance, Can frequent visits to the FM Observer website help me financially?

Dr. Finance responds:

Dear Leesha of Frackville, You have asked a great question. It is great because it caused me to do a great deal of research, which then had to be boiled down into a short answer. It’s a question because you are seeking an answer, and it ended with a question mark.

Dr. Finance has done his due-diligence along with the requisite research and finally reduced the answer to the question down into a short poem. (Besides having a PH.D. in Financial Questions and Answers, Dr. Finance also minored in poetry!)

Dr. Finance’s poetic answer to Leesha’s stupid question:

Daily readings of the FM Observer
Can provide some much-needed extra fervor
Avoid dozing off and being a car swerver
This satirical site can be a life preserver
Food for thought like a good hors d’oeuvrer
Plus images for the brain thru your optic nerver
Whether you’re a lib or a fiscal conserver
Here’s some free cash from the Federal Reserver!

DOLLAR1

 

 

 

 

If you have any stupid questions about money or finance that you might like to have answered, simply leave them down below in the comment section of this post (if you can figure out how to leave a comment).

UPDATE: Driving Dog Monty Refused Bail After Arrest

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Stop resisting!

Stop resisting!

Auckland, New Zealand — Human law enforcement is being tough on Monty, the famous car-driving schnauzer. Recently, Monty has been serving time in tha Dogg Pound after being detained for the charges of speeding and resisting arrest.

The long-legged lapdog was popped by a New Zealand patrolman for driving well over the speed limit, and upon confronting the officer, allegedly became belligerent. A detailed account of the day’s events was provided by the arresting officer:

 

“I asked the suspect numerous times how fast he thought he was going. He said nothing; just sitting there drooling. After he refused to answer any of my questions, I became agitated. I told him he needed to step out of the car. That’s when he started resisting. I opened the door to detain him and he began growling, snarling at me, like some kind of animal! I had no choice but to call for backup and forcefully arrest the uncooperative perp.”

 

The arrest preceded a court appearance in which Monty, barking angrily at the judge while his lawyer answered questions, was denied bail due to unnecessary courtroom outbursts bordering on contempt.

How unfortunate. What was once considered a unique story of a dog bridging the canine-human gap has now turned ugly. We sincerely hope they teach Monty how to ‘speak’ and ‘shake hands’ before things get really out of control and he ends up serving hard time.

State Insane Asylum Reopens Due To High Demand

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Insane Asylum

Welcome back! We were expecting to see you again.

Jamestown, ND – The State Hospital in Jamestown, ND will be having a Grand Re-Opening soon. After being closed for decades due to political incorrectness, the State Insane Asylum will be resuming operations due to a large spike in demand. Authorities have noticed a sudden growth in the population of crazies in the region.

“Jamestown’s infamous State Hospital is the perfect facility to house them all”, explains Dr. Semor Tranzelvit. “The buildings are in adequate condition and will need no updating or refurbishing from their previous years of service”, believes Dr. Transzelvit.

He goes on to explain that patients will be grouped according to their personal challenges. “All the schizophrenics will be housed together, as will the lunatics, the manic-depressives, the liberals, and the just-plain-crazies.”

Lunches will be force-fed along with usual daily state-of-the-art shock treatments. Just by coming here, all patients automatically agree to be subjects of advanced experimental testing, which is how they can earn extra snack credits.

Jamestown will once again become the location of one of the most progressive insane asylums in the Upper Midwest.

If you think you might need the special attention a facility like this can provide, please call 1-800-ME-CRAZY and answer a few simple questions from one of the friendly staff associates.

Drive-thru Coffee Shop Peep Show Shut Down

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Please pull forward to the first window (for the naked)

Thank you, drive thru (for the naked)

Everett, WA – As initially reported by Reuters, three Seattle-area baristas have been taken into custody for selling cleave, bush and nip shows via the Grab-N-Go drive-thru windows in which they worked.

Citizens in the area became (for some reason) agitated over this alleged ongoing peep show taking place in their wholesome(?) drive-ups. Reports finally came in to police headquarters, prompting an investigation.

The unnamed baristas-turned-strippers had been under investigation by Everett City Police for a period of weeks. A very detailed, thorough operation containing multiple trips through the Grab-N-Go peep shop.

Many, many exchanges of money for skin were initiated by undercover police. Officers began to grow very suspicious when some peculiar drive-thru menu items were added:

  • Venti Titty Latte – $19.95
  • Iced Skinny Bushy Frappucino – $29.95
  • Grande Titty Bushy Blended Coffee – $49.95

The three skinny skin saleswomen were placed under arrest after undercover police gathered enough evidence to build a case. Visual evidence, monetary transactions, coffee with a side of titty, etc.