Fargo, ND—FBI Fargo Division confirms this morning that newly-christened local superhero Adam Noisewater, 22, took his own life yesterday by jumping from the top story of the big bank skyscraper downtown.
Upon searching Noisewater’s internet history (which happens to us ALL after we die, so try not to leave a digital trail of utter debauchery. Google searches of “bi-curious tranny Asians camel” most certainly WILL be read off during your funeral in front of your loved ones), investigators noted that a recently-visited sites log included participation in Buzzfeed’s popular “What Superhero Are You” quiz in addition to the online purchase of a Batman costume.
This critical data helped investigators easily piece together the events that led up to Noisewater’s death.
FBI agent Ralph Carswell explains: “Evidence collected by our detectives concludes that the deceased had taken one of those stupid quizzes that convinced him he was Batman which made him go so far as to buy a Batman outfit and attempt to jump off a tall building like the Dark Knight. Case closed.”
The deceased’s parents are preparing to file a mega-lawsuit against the original creators of Batman DC Comics, Christian Bale, Warner Brothers Studios Inc, Buzzfeed, his internet service provider, the inventor of the internet Al Gore, the computer manufacturer who built the computer he used to take the stupid Buzzfeed quiz, the online retail outlet who sold him the costume, the vehicle manufacturer of the car he drove to the building, the shoe company who made the shoes he wore on the way to the building, the bank building management, and finally, the elevator manufacturing company of the elevator he took to the top floor.
The Observer has also learned that Noisewater is now a front-running candidate for the 2014 Darwin Awards.
NEW YORK, NY – The ever so popular unpopular show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” just got renewed for 3 more seasons. Seriously, people still watch this vile garbage? E! Entertainment network, another great network that endorses all the American values we love, has reached a deal making it the richest contract in reality TV history. The family will be paid over $40 million for the 3 seasons of doing absolutely nothing but being annoying. I’m not a hater but when this vile garbage is accidentally beamed into my retinas because I was channel surfing, I have every right to state my opinion.
Although this is all good news for the Kardashians, it isn’t good news for America. Suicide rates have sky rocketed up 80% since the series premiered on E! in October 2007. Experts are reporting that this is directly related to the torture people have had to endure the past 5 years with having “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” on air. We took to the streets to see if we could find a correlation.
“I once accidentally stumbled on the show and Kim Kardashian was complaining of how tough of a day she had. She got paid a few months salary for 6 hours of hell she had to go through which was taking pictures and putting on makeup. I immediately ran out to my deck and threw myself off of it. I mean, I didn’t mean to do it. I just acted off of instinct. I luckily only suffered a few broken bones.” a mother of 3 stated.
“I once had to watch the show because of my stupid girlfriend. Kim was crying because of spiders. I mean FUCK! It made me immediately take my clothes off and throw myself into the oven I had on. I suffered 3rd degree burns but I survived. I immediately dumped my girlfriend after the incident.” John from Fargo told us.
“Yea I turned the channel, saw the Kardashians, and immediately shot myself in the face. This all happened within seconds. Luckily it didn’t hit my brain and I’m here to talk about it.” guy who shot himself and survived had to say.
It’s pretty clear that this show is dangerous and shouldn’t be on the airwaves. It is making people instinctively do stupid and unsafe things. It better be taken down now before Kanye West makes an appearance on the show. The human population will become dangerously low with an even larger increase of suicides.