Nothing lasts forever.
Hollywood, CA – The stars of America’s favorite game show are finally getting divorced.
Pat Sajak and Vanna White have decided to call it quits after thirty five good years of marriage.
The final phrase on the Wheel Of Fortune prior to them announcing their divorce was “irreconcilable differences”.
In their split-up, attorneys say Vanna will get the the cruises and most of the consonants, while Pat will get the cars, all the vowels and the letter “X”.
Vanna White will get to keep all 6,500 of the dresses she’s worn on the show, and hopefully neither will land on “Bankrupt” anytime soon.
Los Angeles, CA—FOX Broadcasting Company has officially declared it’s ready to compete for a share of the desperate female viewer demographic. Executives noted they have completed filming for a sensational new show titled, The Singleton.
In a press release this morning, FOX representatives indicated they’ve wrapped the first 5 seasons of their new Bachelor-themed reality dating program. Why did they secretly knock down five seasons at once, you might ask? Read for yourself:
“The Singleton – A scintillating new dating reality show is coming to FOX. The Singleton will feature a single male alongside 12 would-be mates vying for his love. But there’s a catch: Six of the contestants are women and the other six are—unbeknownst to the male—post-op transvestites! Who will our singleton pick? Will he pick a woman? Or will he pick a wo-MAN?! It’s The Mole meets The Bachelor, coming to FOX this fall! Check your local listings.”
The show’s narrative will provide the viewer with knowledge of who is who, so thankfully we won’t be left in the dark. How exciting! Finally a dating reality show worth watching; one in which the male could end up with a cleverly-disguised RuPaul. This show is poised to teach us a great deal about what personality means to overall sexual attraction.
NEW YORK, NY – The ever so popular unpopular show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” just got renewed for 3 more seasons. Seriously, people still watch this vile garbage? E! Entertainment network, another great network that endorses all the American values we love, has reached a deal making it the richest contract in reality TV history. The family will be paid over $40 million for the 3 seasons of doing absolutely nothing but being annoying. I’m not a hater but when this vile garbage is accidentally beamed into my retinas because I was channel surfing, I have every right to state my opinion.
Although this is all good news for the Kardashians, it isn’t good news for America. Suicide rates have sky rocketed up 80% since the series premiered on E! in October 2007. Experts are reporting that this is directly related to the torture people have had to endure the past 5 years with having “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” on air. We took to the streets to see if we could find a correlation.
“I once accidentally stumbled on the show and Kim Kardashian was complaining of how tough of a day she had. She got paid a few months salary for 6 hours of hell she had to go through which was taking pictures and putting on makeup. I immediately ran out to my deck and threw myself off of it. I mean, I didn’t mean to do it. I just acted off of instinct. I luckily only suffered a few broken bones.” a mother of 3 stated.
“I once had to watch the show because of my stupid girlfriend. Kim was crying because of spiders. I mean FUCK! It made me immediately take my clothes off and throw myself into the oven I had on. I suffered 3rd degree burns but I survived. I immediately dumped my girlfriend after the incident.” John from Fargo told us.
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“Yea I turned the channel, saw the Kardashians, and immediately shot myself in the face. This all happened within seconds. Luckily it didn’t hit my brain and I’m here to talk about it.” guy who shot himself and survived had to say.
It’s pretty clear that this show is dangerous and shouldn’t be on the airwaves. It is making people instinctively do stupid and unsafe things. It better be taken down now before Kanye West makes an appearance on the show. The human population will become dangerously low with an even larger increase of suicides.
Way to go America. GOD HELP US ALL.