Everywhere, ND

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Department of Transportation has released preliminary first-quarter car accident statistical report findings and let me tell you, the numbers are staggering.

The report shows that there has been a “buttload of single-car wrecks” during the first 3 months of 2013. It’s a very revealing statistic that seems to indicate how continually reckless our state’s drivers are.

These staggering numbers could very easily be blamed on oil patch-bound out-of-towners who have not yet been winterized (acclimated to the absolutely horrific road conditions North Dakota is mercilessly forced to endure) but NDDOT sees things differently. That is why they have initiated mandatory winter driving course legislation.

NDDOT wants to force all currently and potentially licensed ND drivers to pass a mandatory winter driving course as a part of obtaining a new license or a license renewal. The legislation is slated to budget extra money for changes to driving tests.

A driver must boss their way through an NDDOT-prepared one-mile portion of road that includes either fake snow during the summer or a real stretch of panic-inducing black-ice highway during winter in order to earn that license. Drivers who want the privilege to operate a motor vehicle in our state must prove that they are capable of operating road machinery during times of absolutely infuriating winter weather.

The likelihood of this somewhat ridiculous-but-kinda-sensible bill passing or even existing is not high. However, it must be stated that this is the same Republican legislature that decided they could override Roe vs Wade and basically claim eminent domain over a woman’s vagina, so a bill like this is not entirely that far-fetched.

How did this happen?

Fargo, ND – Every year at this time Old Man Winter flexes his bulging biceps. Snowmageddon wreaks havoc on us all during blizzard season. We give the blizzard a snow prediction, a warning, even a name.

Weather is happening sideways this month, striking angst and fear into the F-M area. Fear that turns to recklessness behind the wheel as we watch multiple-car pileups happen on our highways. Drivers get dumber with each passing snowstorm…or do they? Does the blizzard make us dumber or were we just that dumb to begin with? Let’s break it down…

Inclement weather causes some of us to panic. Panic makes us overreact. When we overreact, we over-correct things. Over-correcting leads to mistakes which lead to accidents while driving.

THEREFORE: Weather=car accidents. Weather caused the stupidity that caused the accident.

HOWEVER: One could argue that the person who overreacted was a horrible driver to begin with. One could say that the snowstorm was merely the jolt they needed to completely lose it and spin out into a ditch.

“You should’ve slowed down! Don’t you know any better??”

NO. They made a small series of poor driving decisions in a short amount of time due to a preexisting condition of poor judgement.

big beard = real smart

Two totally different arguments. On one hand, the weather caused you to wreck. On the other hand, poor judgement caused you to wreck. Which argument is correct? Who or what can we blame for that multiple-car pileup?

To find the answers, we asked a guy with a beard:

“People are inherently stupid. The amount of intelligence a person possesses is directly related to the amount in which they choose to learn. So, you see, the answer lies within you. Let me see your palm. Here. Eat this. It will give you the truth you desire.”

Beardo gave me what looked and smelled like illegal drugs.

So there you have it. There is no right or wrong answer− the truth lies within each and every one of us. Those are some words to live by.