Category Archives: Local

Blarney Stone Pub West Fargo

New Blarney Stone In Trouble Over Public Urination

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Blarney Stone Pub West FargoWest Fargo, ND – The New Blarney Stone is in trouble already after two patrons decided to whip out their ding dongs right there in the parking lot.

What they didn’t realize is that their ding dongs were in full view to all students outside at Cheney Middle School.

Tim Smith, 32, and James Blikart, 33 were arrested for urinating in public, public intoxication, and indecent exposure.

Lord knows what those kids saw.  Some won’t even talk.

But now the question remains, was it such a good idea to put a bar right across from a school full of children?  Did the city of West Fargo make a good decision on allowing this location?

Please post your thoughts below.  We hit the news hard!

ND Leaders To Tribal Councils: Please Stop Doing Rain Dances

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Dancing For The Rain

Dancin’ in the rain

Fargo, ND – With standing water in ditches and mosquitos breeding fast in waterlogged North Dakota, state and city leaders are urging Native American communities to cease practicing their ritual rain dances until further notice.

“We’re beyond soaked,” said Representative Flo Anderson. “Our state and our citizens desperately need a break from the downpours. All we’re asking is for the tribes to start doing some other kind of dancing until we can dry out a little. Sun dances. Wind dances. Break dances. Anything but rain dances. Folks are tired.”

One especially problematic issue is the growing frequency of “Splash Mobs” within the state. Organized via social media, these large groups of tribal rain dancers are spontaneously popping up all over North Dakota. The results are wreaking havoc on regional weather patterns.

According to Vern Drencher of the National Weather Service, “The collective power of the Splash Mob creates meganimbus events unlike anything we’ve seen before, dropping 6 to 8 inches of precipitation in under an hour. We’ve been monitoring this phenomenon in the Spirit Lake area for some time. However, the Native American youth are taking it to a whole new level. And that spells W-E-T for you and me.”

The FMO caught up with tribal spokesman, Jeremiah Raincloud, who, after listening to this story, smiled, tipped his hat to us, and said absolutely nothing.

Man Who Weds Daughter Fathers His Own Granddaughter Whom He Marries

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Here we go a-walking

Here we go a-walking

Moorhead, MN – Bernard Kingsley of rural Moorhead married his own daughter, Trixi, after the mother lost her battle with King, their pure-bred pit-bull.

The wedding of Bernard to his own daughter Trixi was accompanied by soft music along with numerous lowered mumbles and raised eyebrows from some of their guests who attended the incestuous ceremony.

A few months later, Trixi gave birth to Bernard’s first granddaughter, a small young girl whom they named Adell.

As fate would have it, Trixi ended up divorcing her father, blaming their split on “irreconcilable quagmires”.

Once again, as you can imagine, wedding plans are in the works. Bernard will soon be marrying his very own granddaughter, Adell, who is now a precocious six years old.

The new nearly-weds are registered at Toys-R-Us and Lego-Land, if you would like to gift the happy couple.

And if you would like to attend this very special upcoming wedding ceremony, Bernard is selling admission tickets to join with them on their special day of matrimony.

Ticket prices range from $100-$500, depending on location, location, location.

All proceeds will go towards their honeymoon, which is going to be two fun-filled weeks down in Disneyworld.

During their absence, King will remain at home, to protect the family jewels from any unwanted shinanigans.

Hungry Teddy Bear

Area Man Banned From Having Sex With Teddy Bears, Arrested Again For Having Sex With Teddy Bears

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FargoHungry Teddy Bear,ND – A local Fargo man with a very long list of public indecency charges was arrested AGAIN this week for having sex with teddy bears.

Jim Hankly was arrested Thursday evening after witnesses say they saw Mr. Hankly with his pants down humping a large teddy bear in Island Park.

According to the police reports, witnesses also saw the man running in circles while humping the stuffed animal as well.  They also noted that children were very disturbed by witnessing this and may now need to be put on prescription drugs their whole life.

In 2002 Jim Hankly was arrested for humping teddy bears at the local swimming pool.  Later in 2005 he was arrested again for humping teddy bears in one of the local McDonalds.  Specifically in the ball pit.  Then for a third time, he was arrested for fornication with multiple teddy bears in front of his house scaring his neighbors.

Hankly has been arrested 6 other times.  All for public indecency charges.

While I have an addiction to gummy bears, apparently Mr. Hankly has an addiction to humping teddy bears in public.

We will follow this story as it will be interesting to see how he will be judged.  Does he belong in jail or does he need counseling?  And what about the bears?

What do you think?

 

School Board to Implement School Shooting Drills

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Bert2In the wake of what has been the 74th school shooting since the Newtown massacre, school districts are taking a proactive steps to better prepare their kids for the sort of danger that could potentially take place within their walls.

Tornado drills and fire drills have been the norm for decades. Now, with mass shootings occurring on an ongoing basis, “shooting drills” are being implemented. The proliferation of public-area gun violence has left administrators with no other choice but to help brace their kids for a sudden act of deadly force.

School superintendent Ertson McFluck explains the Board’s preventive measure. “Tornado drills have us ducking and covering. Fire drills have us exiting the building. Shooting drills will probably see teachers hang a ‘NO KIDS HERE’ sign on the classroom doorknob or some stupid thing. We’re not sure yet. There’s really nowhere safe to go if a mad gunman enters. These buildings weren’t engineered with frickin panic rooms. Locking a classroom door is a fool’s effort–an armed murderer would easily blast his way through. It’s absurd that it’s come to this, but our children and faculty need to be at least somewhat prepared.”

The Board seems fully aware of the nation’s school shooting epidemic and is moving as quickly as possible towards a reasonable course of preventive action.

Janitor Charged With Fondling Church Organ

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Forgiven but not forgotten.

Moorhead, MN – Unhappy church officials at the House Of God Inc. are investigating an alleged fondling of their church organ.

A man who had apparently dressed himself up to look like the church janitor was caught groping and fondling the large organ in the main church sanctuary.

The man, whose name is Peter Sexmeyer, was later discovered to be a level two sex offender who was also being sought in both Texas and Colorado for similar assaults on other smaller church organs.

Church president Mrs. Valerie Clankster said on behalf of their stunned congregation: “I think it’s very creepy that someone would do such a thing in our beloved church. It feels like our worship space has been violated. It will be hard to forgive this lewd and sinful act because now, whenever we sing our hymns, we’ll be thinking of that fricking pervert having sex with our big organ.”

Will this church congregation ever get past this salacious incident? Probably.

Will this church organ ever be the same? Probably not.

Will this sexoholic pseudo janitor get prison time for this organic act? Maybe not.

Should you be on the lookout for sex-crimes against your church organ? Maybe yes.

Fargo Train Station

City of Fargo Releases Pamphlet On How To Avoid Getting Hit By A Train

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Fargo Train StationFargo, ND – The City of Fargo released a pamphlet earlier today that explains in detail on how to avoid getting killed by a train.

With all the train accidents and people getting hit, Fargo decided the citizens needed a dose of knowledge. They released a pamphlet that describes in detail what you should do when approaching train tracks and how to avoid getting hit by a train.

We were able to get ahold of a pamphlet and were very surprised on how little information it actually provided. Below is the pamphlet’s entire contents.

“LOOK BOTH WAYS.  IF A TRAIN IS COMING, DON’T FUCKING CROSS!”

“IF YOU ARE ON THE TRACKS WHEN A TRAIN IS COMING, FUCKING MOVE!”

That was it. The pamphlet contains two sentences that seem to get right to the point. Hopefully this little pamphlet will prevent train accidents in the future.

Keep your eyes open, folks. Let us know if this pamphlet was helpful to you.

Lady Attacked By Lobsters In Grocery Seafood Section

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Lobster Mobsters

Moorhead, MN – We’ve all walked by the bubbling lobster tank in the meat and seafood area of a grocery store.

While doing some recent shopping in a popular Moorhead grocery store, Mrs. Maxima Underhill began walking past the lobster tank area.

Unbeknownst to Maxima, two rogue lobsters had just staged a successful escape from their over-crowded waterworld.

Working as a team, they had assisted each other in slipping off the constricting hand-cuffs from their large main pincer claws. These two large on-the-loose lobsters were now armed and dangerous.

According to the official police report, Mrs. Underhill was suddenly lobstruck by these two lobstrosities as she walked near their tank. The victim allegedly sustained numerous wounds to her arms, neck, and face.

The two perpetrators, who are now being held in a guarded holding tank, each had an extensive criminal record. As in some of their previous assaults, these lobster mobsters quickly worked as a team to crawl up their victim’s arms while pinching small deep pincer cuts using their main pincer-claws.

This crime of opportunity caused immediate lobsteria in the store as the word spread of the alleged attack. Many people in the region are now suffering from lobsterphobia as a result of the bizarre incident.

The local Red Lobster restaurants have reported a dramatic drop in business since Mrs. Underhill’s unexpected misfortune. In an effort to calm public fears, the popular restaurant chain says they will immediately begin doing full background checks on all their lobsters.

Fargo Approves Taser Drones For Use In High Crime Areas

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Don’t taze me, drone!

Fargo, ND – Local police are celebrating the approval of new technology that promises to make fighting crime a little easier and a whole lot safer. City government has finally given a green light to the much anticipated Taser Administering Drone Army, or TADA. The fleet of 25 drones will soon be buzzing over crime-ridden neighborhoods where traditional law enforcement measures have been largely unsuccessful.

“Oh these little buggers are game changers,” raves Police Chief Warren Peese. “My men will soon be able to zap slimeballs silly without having to put down their donuts. The beauty is, the criminals will never see it coming. One minute they’re selling a bag of crack and the next…wham, they’re flopping around on the ground like a fish out of water. TADA!”

The drones, which are roughly the size of a shoebox, are equipped with surveillance cameras and long-range tasers that can be deployed wirelessly from a remote location. “These suckers have about a half-mile range,” says Peese. “In other words, there’s really nowhere to hide. Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when we aim at you?”

Asked about the drones’ accuracy, Peese admits, “Well, it’s not 100%. Heck, it’s not even 90%. Our guess is, though, that if you’re close enough to a criminal to get tased, you’re probably up to no good, and we’re ok with those odds. Also, if we hit the wrong target, there’s a slick little retract button that sucks that taser up like nothing ever happened. Problem solved. TADA!”

An inside source reveals that local networks are close to reaching a deal with police to broadcast live TADA taser action on a local area TV channel. Could be lots of fun to watch! Stay tuned to the FM Observer for details.

Fargo Man Arrested For Flash-Frying Entire Cow

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illegal?

Illegal.

Fargo, ND—Authorities were dispatched to a north Fargo neighborhood yesterday afternoon as one witness called to report what sounded like “A raging cauldron full of boiling guts” rumbling in his neighbor’s back yard.

Police arrived to find Todd Fox, a resident infamous for melting snow with a flamethrower, presiding over a 10,000-gallon propane-powered boiling vat of grease which contained a full, beer-battered Holstein cow.

“I seen it on TV, thought it’d be a good idea,” said Fox, who appeared to be referring to an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode in which character Master Shake flash-fries a fully intact, battered cow in his residential neighborhood driveway. Fox was armed to the teeth with enough empty bottles of vegetable oil to kill a sperm whale, 10 propane-powered Nipco space heaters, a hydraulic hoist and a 10,000-gallon stainless steel tank he said he bought “real cheap at my uncle Burp’s flea market.”

Police would have none of it as they arrested Fox on charges of reckless endangerment and possession of livestock without a permit. When asked how he obtained the deceased animal, Fox declared “I know me a butcher.”