Category Archives: Local

North Dakota to propose changing state name to FUN DAKOTA

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Fun Dakota

Fun Dakota

Fargo, ND – Here we go again. It’s the time of the year in which our great state fights the never-ending battle with boredom and exclusion. The time of year when a sheer blanket of cold will envelop our region, warding off even those brave Manitobans who dared venture southward.

It is time for the North Dakota tourism board to either get inventive or shut it all down until spring. That is why they have decided to initiate state legislature to implement a permanent name change that will once and for all upgrade the state’s name from North Dakota to Fun Dakota!

The tourism board stated that this bill, if it passes, will completely change the North Dakotan landscape for the better. Fun Dakota will become a haven for exciting wintertime tourist activity, such as:

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  • King of the Hill tournaments
  • Ice mound spelunking
  • Drinking whiskey until you’re numb
  • Windshield ice-scraping competitions
  • Going to McDonald’s

The state house of representatives needs a positive vote ratio of 2/3 in order to pass this type of change into law, which the tourism board expects will happen easily.

Welcome to FUN Dakota, where the weather is cold and the girls are hot! Enjoy your stay!

How Schools Decide To Close During Weather Events

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How Schools Decide To Close During Weather EventsA number of factors come into play when a school is deciding whether or not to close their doors due to weather events.

 

Below are some of the obvious factors:

 

– It is so cold that your balls shrivel all the way up into your scrotum so you no longer have balls and literally freak out wondering where your balls went.  No school for you.

– At least TWO of your children slip on the ice while going to school and suffer severe brain damage then school might be called off.  Remember it has to be at least two children.

– Zero visibility. It better look like Lindsay Lohan just sneezed on an 8-ball out there. Basically, if you can see two inches in front of you, get your ass to school and learn some french!

– If you don’t have at least two feet of snow in your driveway in the morning then school’s on, bitches.

– If the majority of every road is an ice rink, then school’s on.  Ice skate your ass to school, pussy.

-Are there polar bears roaming the streets? No matter. Ride one to class! But if you see Sasquatch, get the hell inside.

-Let’s say you walk outside and immediately seize up into a human icicle. That doesn’t mean you won’t thaw out after your mommy drags you to homeroom. Get moving.

-Your local liquor store must write you a typed long-form note explaining that they are out of Hot 100. That is one of very few viable excuses you can use to stay home.

-There is a Three Stooges marathon on cable.

-You are 99% completion on Grand Theft Auto. Understandable that you need that final mission badly.

-Your home is literally made of dirt and you bathe in a hollowed-out bison skull and burn buffalo chips for heat.

 

 

In a nutshell, if the National Guard isn’t called in, your ass is going to school in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Hundreds of Cars Said, “FUCK THIS SHIT” This Morning Leaving People With No Transportation

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Fargo, ND – If Mondays were not bad enough, throw in some cold air and wind and you just stepped into the worst place on earth: Fargo.

Forecasts last week that ranged from ‘God damn it’s cold’ to ‘Why the fuck do I live here’ continued on into this week.  We had the pleasure of enjoying a negative temperature of -15 today.  Let’s take a look at the coming days to see if it will be getting……….nope.  Still going to be cold as fuck.

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Even the automobiles of the Fargo-Moorhead area have had enough.  Hundreds of automobiles said “FUCK THIS SHIT” this morning as their owners tried to start their car leaving many wondering why they were out of bed or why they even lived here.

Service and tow companies have seen their business nearly double over the past week.

“I was driving down 13th Ave S when I heard my car blurt out, ‘fuck this shit.’  It then just stopped working.  I had to call a tow driver.”

“I went out to my car at 6:30 ready for work.  Put the key in, tried to start it, and I heard a ‘fuck this shit.’  It still doesn’t start.  I don’t know how I’m getting to work tomorrow.”

Jason said he didn’t even get within 10 feet of his car when it blurted out, “Too cold!  Go back to fucking bed!”

We could give you some advice such as letting your car warm up but let’s just be honest here.  If the temperature is below zero when you wake up, go back to fucking bed and leave your car alone.

 

Storm Gandolf Fargo North Dakota

Bill Burns Defends Fargo From Storm Gandolf. His Story.

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Storm Gandolf Fargo North DakotaFargo, ND – Storm Gandolf, according to the media, was supposed to be a storm apocalypse.  Those two words “storm apocalypse’ are what sprung me into action.  I wasn’t going to sit by and watch my fellow Fargoans being forced to blow storm gandolf.  That is why on the evening of 01/11/2013, I grabbed a parka and a crowbar and headed out the door to do battle.

Sooner than later there I was, sitting in the middle of a field waiting for Gandolf to show itself.  I was five hours in now.  Stomach was starting to make noises and my mouth dry, wanting nothing more then a sip of something hot or cold.  Since I only had a parka and crowbar I had to improvise.  To quench my thirst, I dug a small hole, filled it with snow, then dipped my huge big and hot balls into the snow thereby melting it and making a very nice cup of low-sodium hot water.  Looking back at it now, if it wasn’t for that ball water, I don’t think I’d still be here.

Hot water in my stomach and feeling good, the wind started to whisper at me.  “Gandolf!  Is that you?” I shouted in such a manly voice, I believe a woman living on a distant farm became pregnant at that very moment.  “Show yourself!” I screamed.

At that moment a snow wave burst up from the field and made it’s way straight for me, yelling nasty, violent, and obscene obscenities at me.  I remember them well and they haunt me to this day.  This ‘snow wave’ was a penis.  It was a very large, cold, and mean penis made out of snow.

Right as this large penis was about to attack, I shoved my crowbar right into the beasts opening.  The penis tip if you will.  At that very moment, the storm burst into millions of tiny white snowflakes which started to lightly rain down on me.

I knew it was a success.  I saved the people of the Farg0-Moorhead area from Storm Gandolf.

So there you have it.  You now know the real reason Storm Gandolf was non-existent for the fargo-moorhead residents.

 

Local cops prepared in case Obama takes guns

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Domination

Domination

Fargo, ND – Police departments across our F-M area are taking initiative in case Obama uses executive order to “control” the nation’s guns. Local law enforcement agencies are preparing their officers for hand-to-hand perp wrangling if such a drastic measure would, in fact, completely outlaw and remove all guns from the national landscape.

Cops are stepping up their self-defense skills as well as their ability to out-wit and out-muscle dangerous perps.

Officer-in-training Danny Rudd:

“I’ve been watching every James Bond movie on repeat to get real familiar with kickin’ perps’ asses without a gun. The wife has been letting me practice my throat-chop technique on her. Pretty useful.”

Lieutenant Carl Mitchum:

“Perps are dangerous, sure, but they are also dumb. You can pick up any Tom Clancy novel where he writes about war stealth. Stealth is the number one weapon of a Navy SEAL so we will apply it to everyday perp-wrangling. When it’s time to arrest the perp, he will never see it coming!”

Patrolman Roger Hallsworth:

“I cannot wait for my first perp chase ‘n beat. I’ve been running stairs like Rocky, juicing up for the next criminal. Those knuckleheads don’t stand a chance.”

Departments are also handing out Human Growth Hormone supplements and other performance-enhancing drugs in an effort to give their officers the upper-hand. This doesn’t bode well for criminals in the Fargo-Moorhead area as the officers around here are becoming more dangerous and efficient than ever before.

Gay Love Donkeys To Be Married

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Gay Love Donkeys

Gay Love Donkeys

Fargo, ND – A couple of gay Love Donkeys will soon “tie the knot” at the local zoo. It’s believed to be the first known pair of gay Love Donkeys in captivity to be married within the confines of a zoo-type environment.

Rev. Matt Tramoni, the zoo pastor, says he believes we’ll be seeing more and more of this type of thing. “Now that gay marriage amongst zoo animals has been legalized under a new federal law, I believe this could be just the tip of the iceberg”, says Pastor Matt.

The zoo trainer admits that the donkeys, Carlton and Cortez, have been life-mates ever since they moved to this zoo. “Even though they couldn’t make it official up until now”, explains Julie Whitebear, “these two have been a paragon of matrimony in all facets of their beautiful donkeyed relationship.”

Apparently, they’re planning on having a private ceremony in the zoo chapel. However, a public reception is being planned for the Spring. Carlton and Cortez are registered at all the top shops. They particularly like sweet snacks and colorful clothing.

Valley News Live Coverage Of Sitting Buses Leaves Anchors Struggling To Fill Time

Valley News Live Coverage Of Sitting Buses Leaves Anchors Struggling To Fill Time

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Fargo, ND – After the NDSU Bison football team slaughtered Sam Houston State University, they made their way back to good ol’ Fargo, North Dakota.  Good for them, not so good for the news anchors who had to sit there and fill time on live television.

I understand.  I couldn’t sit there with a straight face while only being given video shots of empty parked buses.  I’d totally bomb as well as everyone else in the country.  After watching this, I’m almost positive they went home, crawled under the kitchen table, and cried themselves to sleep vowing never to get into that situation again.  But, with all that said, there is nothing better then seeing news anchors squirm to fill time.  The unfortunate news anchors, Audrey Dahlgren and Amy Unrau, deserve some drinks and dinner for the hell they had to endure.

 

NDSU Bison scared Sam Houston

Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison

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NDSUBisonPM1

Bison-itis

Huntsville, TX – The Sam Houston BearKat football players are not sleeping well these days. After their nationally televised 39-13 humiliation by the North Dakota State University Bison, many of their squad members are reporting being haunted by recurring bad dreams. These nightly nightmares involve being chased by a large group of angry, stampeding bison.

Losing two consecutive national championships to the same team is apparently taking its toll. It’s now being referred to as “Bisonitis”.

The Sam Houston University school nurse says she’s never seen anything like it. “These boys are really messed up” says Nurse Ratchit.

Some of the players, who wished to maintain total anonymity, expressed their desire to never have to play the Bison again. One player said: “Just imagine, having a recurring dream about being stampeded, by a herd of angry buffalo.” The girlfriend of another player sadly confided: “My boyfriend, who plays on the BearKat football team, is no longer the same person that he used to be before their big loss.”

And it’s not just the football players that are affected, but also the coaches, some university teachers, and the general SHU student body. The head of the psychology department thinks they might need to bus in counselors to their campus that have special training in sports-related mental trauma.

KVRR Fox of Fargo-Moorhead Weather Reporter Says What?

KVRR Fox of Fargo-Moorhead Weather Reporter Says What?

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Fargo, ND – Imagination time.

Late one evening I was sitting on my couch completely nude, besides my long white socks, and enjoying a nice warm cup of tea.  I was hours into reviewing quantum mechanics equations (I do this for my own amusement) and wondering when I should tell the world that I built a working time machine.

In between these thoughts I decided to take a small break from solving world problems, one time travel trip at a time, and it was then I turned the channel to KVRR FOX of Fargo-Moorhead to check the weather.  Right at that moment I stumbled upon the weatherman mispronouncing the city of “Cut Bank.”  Now to my ears it sounds like he is about to say “Cum Bank” but the call is entirely up to you.  Seems the weatherman had other things on his mind?

 

Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans

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CHESSCLUB1pm1

Check-mate!

Fargo, ND – A young local chess prodigy wants all home-schooled children to form teams. Cooper Sterling has been a chess master since age six. He claims that being home-schooled really allowed him to excel in areas of personal interest to him. His parents found out early on that chess was a talent he was born with when he embarrassed a traveling chess grandmaster at the young age of four.

“One drawback to being home schooled, however, is you don’t get to be on any teams”, Cooper said. He would like to start out by forming a local chess team of other home-schooled children. “From there, the sky’s the limit”, he added, with a smile.

Cooper eventually would like to form home-schooled teams to compete with local schools in debate, ping-pong, and even some track & field events. As for Cooper, he also has some personal goals set for his next few years. They include: marketing his own line of Think & Thrive board-games, and designing and building his own underground home.