Category Archives: Strange But True

Moorhead Crocodile Charged With Killing Of Defenseless Calf

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The alleged crocodile has no comment at this time.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities are investigating the murder of an unarmed defenseless calf just outside the Moorhead city limits.

The alleged incident allegedly took place on the banks of the Red River.

The alleged suspect is a 600-pound crocodile, whose name is not being released at this time.

Residents are being told to not jump to any conclusions based on the sketchy information which is slowly coming out about this story.

Crocodiles have been known to attack young animals with ferocious ferocity.

The good news is that none of the other crocodiles currently in the Moorhead area have any record of this type of unnecessary brutality.

Update: Moorhead authorities have now released the name of this killer crocodile.
His name is: Ferguson.

American Medical Journal Identifies New Disease Epidemic: Mediabetes

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Smarter phones. Dumber people.

Smarter phones. Dumber people.

Washington, D.C. – Research from the American Medical Association has uncovered a new disease silently plaguing our society: Mediabetes. Mediabetes is defined as a condition in which the brain’s inability to produce enough of its own creative ideas causes elevated levels of moronic thoughts in the mind.

Renowned neurologist, Dr. Helena Hanbasquet, describes the recent explosion of mediabetes in the U.S. as “extremely concerning”. She adds, “The potential for complete and utter societal disintegration definitely exists. Mediabetes is not only more rampant than previously thought, it is also proving to be nearly impossible to treat. Among my colleagues, patients with the disease are referred to as BURNS, which stands for Basically Untreatable Really Neanderthal Stupid. That about sums it up.”

“We’re seeing more and more people stumbling through our emergency room doors with no discernible clue what’s going on,” says Dane Jerrus, EMT. “Most of them have lost their smartphones or tablets, which precipitates a total shutdown of all mental function. It’s like Night Of The Living Dead sometimes. Seriously.”

Dr. Hanbasquet has created the website duh.org, which offers tips for preventing Mediabetes, symptoms of the disease, and a short test to determine your risk factors. Test questions include:

Do you believe reality TV is real?
Do you tweet more than 250 times per day?
Has it been longer than a week since you spoke to a real person?

Hanbasquet urges that all Americans who still know how to read visit duh.org immediately. “Together, we can put an end to this terrible disease. Or at least pass legislation ensuring that BURNS can no longer drive, purchase firearms, post online, own a home, or procreate. Either way works for me.”

Man Who Weds Daughter Fathers His Own Granddaughter Whom He Marries

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Here we go a-walking

Here we go a-walking

Moorhead, MN – Bernard Kingsley of rural Moorhead married his own daughter, Trixi, after the mother lost her battle with King, their pure-bred pit-bull.

The wedding of Bernard to his own daughter Trixi was accompanied by soft music along with numerous lowered mumbles and raised eyebrows from some of their guests who attended the incestuous ceremony.

A few months later, Trixi gave birth to Bernard’s first granddaughter, a small young girl whom they named Adell.

As fate would have it, Trixi ended up divorcing her father, blaming their split on “irreconcilable quagmires”.

Once again, as you can imagine, wedding plans are in the works. Bernard will soon be marrying his very own granddaughter, Adell, who is now a precocious six years old.

The new nearly-weds are registered at Toys-R-Us and Lego-Land, if you would like to gift the happy couple.

And if you would like to attend this very special upcoming wedding ceremony, Bernard is selling admission tickets to join with them on their special day of matrimony.

Ticket prices range from $100-$500, depending on location, location, location.

All proceeds will go towards their honeymoon, which is going to be two fun-filled weeks down in Disneyworld.

During their absence, King will remain at home, to protect the family jewels from any unwanted shinanigans.

Janitor Charged With Fondling Church Organ

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Forgiven but not forgotten.

Moorhead, MN – Unhappy church officials at the House Of God Inc. are investigating an alleged fondling of their church organ.

A man who had apparently dressed himself up to look like the church janitor was caught groping and fondling the large organ in the main church sanctuary.

The man, whose name is Peter Sexmeyer, was later discovered to be a level two sex offender who was also being sought in both Texas and Colorado for similar assaults on other smaller church organs.

Church president Mrs. Valerie Clankster said on behalf of their stunned congregation: “I think it’s very creepy that someone would do such a thing in our beloved church. It feels like our worship space has been violated. It will be hard to forgive this lewd and sinful act because now, whenever we sing our hymns, we’ll be thinking of that fricking pervert having sex with our big organ.”

Will this church congregation ever get past this salacious incident? Probably.

Will this church organ ever be the same? Probably not.

Will this sexoholic pseudo janitor get prison time for this organic act? Maybe not.

Should you be on the lookout for sex-crimes against your church organ? Maybe yes.

Lady Attacked By Lobsters In Grocery Seafood Section

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Lobster Mobsters

Moorhead, MN – We’ve all walked by the bubbling lobster tank in the meat and seafood area of a grocery store.

While doing some recent shopping in a popular Moorhead grocery store, Mrs. Maxima Underhill began walking past the lobster tank area.

Unbeknownst to Maxima, two rogue lobsters had just staged a successful escape from their over-crowded waterworld.

Working as a team, they had assisted each other in slipping off the constricting hand-cuffs from their large main pincer claws. These two large on-the-loose lobsters were now armed and dangerous.

According to the official police report, Mrs. Underhill was suddenly lobstruck by these two lobstrosities as she walked near their tank. The victim allegedly sustained numerous wounds to her arms, neck, and face.

The two perpetrators, who are now being held in a guarded holding tank, each had an extensive criminal record. As in some of their previous assaults, these lobster mobsters quickly worked as a team to crawl up their victim’s arms while pinching small deep pincer cuts using their main pincer-claws.

This crime of opportunity caused immediate lobsteria in the store as the word spread of the alleged attack. Many people in the region are now suffering from lobsterphobia as a result of the bizarre incident.

The local Red Lobster restaurants have reported a dramatic drop in business since Mrs. Underhill’s unexpected misfortune. In an effort to calm public fears, the popular restaurant chain says they will immediately begin doing full background checks on all their lobsters.

World-Wide Jogger Returns Home To Nobody

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No Welcome Home. No Celebration. No Nothing.

No Welcome Home. No Celebration. No Nothing.

Joggins, Nova Scotia – Archie Blackburn set out 22 years ago to jog around the entire world. He had jotted this goal down on a bar napkin after a few margaritas and then decided to really do it.

The next day, when he began his trek, many close friends and loving family members wildly cheered him on his way.

After more than two decades of jogging through every country in the world, Archie finally made it back to his own driveway, expecting a huge welcome home party.

Instead, there was no one. Not one sign of human life existed where his home once was, and where his family once lived.

Mr. Blackburn indeed had achieved what he set out to do, to jog around the entire globe. But this goal-jotting globetrotter has no idea what happened to his wife and children and probable grandchildren.

Archie Blackburn, and now his only friend, a giant guardian bumblebee named Buzz, who’s been following and protecting Archie ever since he jogged through South America, finally made it back from a world-wide jogathon only to discover that he was now entering the Twilight Zone.

If you know anything about the where-a-bouts of Archie’s long-lost family, please twitter a tweet to (hashtag) #WheresMyFrickinFamily?

Bean Bag Toss Game Goes Back To Caveman Days

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Early cornholers practicing their craft.

Early cornholers practicing their craft.

Moorhead, MN – A new recent archaeological finding shows that cavemen played the Bean Bag Toss game.

This ever-popular game is also called CornHole since bags of corn were used by cavemen during times of abundant harvest to glorify their gods.

Early Game expert Minga Tortendorf says this latest discovery just outside of Moorhead, Minnesota is very important.

“It shows that early cavemen and cavewomen played the Bean Bag Toss game just as we do today” she explains.

“This is the first real evidence that we have of early humans actually playing any type of games.”

The next time you and your family, friends, or co-workers are playing CornHole (or as some simply call it: CornHolio), just imagine the earliest settlers played the exact same game way back around 42,000 B.C.

Minga’s closing thoughts: “By playing CornHolio, it sadly shows that in some ways we have not progressed much at all from Cro-Magnon days. If you really want to show how much we’ve advanced since the dawn of life, perhaps consider having a Bocce Ball tournament, or at least go fly a kite like Thomas Edison for heaven’s sake!”

Cloned Cloners Create Two-Headed Mule

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Researchers now able to clone two-headed animals say humans are next.

Researchers now able to clone two-headed animals say humans are next.

Madison, WI – After one researcher bet that it could not be done, another had to prove him wrong.

At the University of Wisconsin Cloning Center, history has once again been made. Two researchers, who are each a clone of the famed Scottish biologist Ian Wilmut who created Dolly the cloned sheep, have collaborated to expand the limits of what can be.

Their resulting creation is two identical cloned heads of the same original mule attached together at opposite ends of the same body.

Its creators note that it’s quite interesting to watch Ying-Yang trying to decide which direction to walk.

The entire cloning world is obviously abuzz about the endless possibilities. Their thinking now is: If we can do this, we can do pretty much anything!

“If we’re at the point where two cloned researchers can create a two-headed mule just while cloning around, the only limit to what we can do is our imaginations” says Dr. Brave Neworld, Executive Director of the newly named Cloning Around Center.

Beautiful Meadow A Killing Field For LandShark

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Don't be deceived by the tranquil appearance of this lovely meadow.

Don’t be deceived by the tranquil appearance of this lovely meadow.

Meadowlands, MN – We are standing at the spot of a LandShark attack.

Some call it the Bermuda Triangle of the North. Others simply call it the LandShark Lunchroom.

Is this for real or just another Facebook Folklore?

Dr. Scarlet Tanager says it is as real as real mayonnaise. “If you got fatally stung by a jellyfish, would that be real?” she asks.

Dr. Tanager, a leading LandShark expert, describes them as having the size of BigFoot, the personality of an African Killer Bee, and more teeth than a Denture Factory.

But why Minnesota? Dr. Tanager says it’s all about the element of surprise. “It would be similar to getting hit by a train, when you’re not even standing on railroad tracks.”

Because of the recent LandShark attacks, Minnesota children no longer go outdoors to play.

A common reason to stay inside is: “I want to play video games and update my Facebook page.” What they’re really saying is: “There’s no fricking way I am going to be an appetizer for a LandShark on the loose!”

Funny Looking Man Finds Bar Of Gold In Red River

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Discovery could lead to Gold Frenzy.

Discovery could lead to Gold Frenzy.

Fargo, ND – A funny looking man named Sid Bingsted found a large bar of gold on the banks of the Red River near Fargo, ND.

Mister Bingsted believes that it could be worth a lot of money based upon its girth-size.

He reflected, “Yah, I tell ya what, I found it just sittin’ down there by the river, don’t-cha-know? We was both sittin’ down there half-covered in mud!”

Buzz Redling has been investigating this golden story. Buzz says authorities secretly fear a mass influx of people from Williston coming down to the Fargo-Moorhead area if this story ever gets out.

Buzz confides: “My wife thinks this bar of gold deal could really cause a serious Gold Frenzy, not unlike the one back in ’88. And I tend to agree with my wife on this one.”

Police don’t know what to think of it. Where did the gold bar come from? How could they ever figure out who it belonged to? What to do next?

In the meantime, lucky Mister Bingsted is trying to decide what to do with his solid gold bar.

Friends are telling him to cash it in and buy a nice new bike.

But Sid has other ideas: “Yah, I might just go and hide it in the mud down by the river like I did last time, while I maybe go and look for another one!”