Lutheran Social Services Bringing In Many Mice From MN Lakes Area Due To Lack Of Acorns There

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Perhaps only an audit will reveal how many mice are being brought into town.

Perhaps only an audit will reveal how many mice are being brought into town.

Fargo, ND – In what many see as compassionate humanitarian assistance, Lutheran Social Services of Fargo has been bringing unknown numbers of mice from the Minnesota lakes area into the Fargo area to be resettled here.

A dearth of acorns in Minnesota due to some harmful climate change last Spring is leaving the mouse population scrambling to find food as winter inexorably approaches.

Some others are questioning if and how many mice Lutheran Social Services should be bringing into the Fargo-Moorhead area.

When we asked a random, anonymous homeless person what he thought about it, this is what he said: “Organizations like LSS exist for the very reason to assist anyone who perhaps needs help escaping dire circumstances such as lack of food and shelter.”

But now, instead of lake home owners finding mice in their Minnesota cabin’s drawers and cupboards, they’re seeing evidence of them in their Fargo homes and work places.

Hopefully the Fargo City Commission can get to the bottom of this situation by doing an investigative probe into the numbers involved here after they have a chance to examine, assess, evaluate, review, and scrutinize all parties connected to the mouse migration analysis.

President Trump Puts Pink Floyd In Charge Of Building The Wall

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Pink Floyd hired by President Trump to be in charge of The Wall.

Pink Floyd hired by President Trump to be in charge of The Wall.

Wall, Texas – Wasting no time after his landslide victory, President Trump announced that he is putting Pink Floyd in charge of building The Wall.

President Trump: “Pink Floyd is going to be in charge of The Wall along our Southern border. It’s going to be great. It will be longer and greater than the Great Wall in China. And Mexico will pay for it.”

In other news, President Trump has asked retiring NFL football player HaHa Clinton-Dix to oversee the special prosecutor who will be in charge of putting Hillary in prism for her off-color remarks.

As the 70-year-old President Trump becomes the 45th president of the United States after running for his first elected office, we can expect to see a long list of celebrities moving to Canada, including: Barbara Streisand, Bryan Cranston, Whoopi Goldberg, Jon Stewart, and Rosie O’Donnell. 

Vote For Vivian Nutwrangler Because She Wants What You Want

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A vote for Vivian is a vote for sanity.

A vote for Vivian is a vote for sanity. So don’t be crazy. Vote for Vivian!

West Fargo, ND – If you live in, near, or far from District 82, please consider voting for Vivian Nutwrangler.

Vivian is a no-nonsense candidate who is for everything you want. Even more importantly, Vivian Nutwrangler strongly opposes everything you are against.

Vivian knows people. She also know some animals. She has met some people who act like animals.

With a world of experience, Vivian knows what is best for people, animals, and the world.

Vivian Nutwrangler also knows how to get things done. You name it, and Vivian has either done it herself or sub-contracted the job to someone else.

So, on election day, when you go do your patriotic duty and vote, please don’t forget to remember to vote for Vivian Nutwrangler: The most sane person in this crazy world.

Update: You are most certainly invited to join Vivian at her home on election evening to sing and celebrate her election victory by sharing cookies and milk with others who see things the same way you do.

Fargo Man Returns To Life After Clocks Changed Back One Hour

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Man comes back from dead after clocks turned back an hour!

Man comes back from dead after clocks turned back an hour!

Fargo, ND – In what doctors are calling “highly unusual”, a hospital patient who had passed away during the early Sunday morning hours came back to life after the hospital turned the clocks back an hour to Central Standard Time.

Dr. Bernard LaFlange had pronounced the patient dead 35 minutes earlier.

But then, right at 2:00 AM, when the clocks went back to 1:00 AM, the older male patient returned to life just as if nothing had happened.

The man’s family was completely stunned as would be expected under such bizarre circumstances.

A spokesperson for the hospital admits that it is not certain whether or not changing the clocks back an hour had anything to do with the patient’s revival from the dead.

When the patient was asked about the incident, he simply responded that he would like to go to Denny’s Restaurant and order the Grand Slam breakfast platter and a pot of coffee.

West Fargo Garage Band Hits Big Time After Being Discovered By Leonardo DiCaprio

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Mind Probe goes viral internationally thanks to a protesting actor.

Mind Probe goes viral internationally thanks to a visiting protesting actor dressed as a creepy clown.

West Fargo, ND – Just as Steve Jobs began tinkering with apples in his garage, three young men playing their music in a garage have blasted off from their West Fargo launch pad.

The local garage band named Mind Probe was recently discovered by actor Leonardo DiCaprio who was on his way back to the Dakota Access Pipeline protest site to offer his continuing support.

DiCaprio who had heard of this new young band that has been writing songs about the Pipeline Protest decided to wear a creepy clown Halloween costume and walk by their garage to check them out.

Obviously, based on the eventual outcome, this initial meeting between Leo and Mind Probe went very well.

The band Mind Probe is made up of: Klaus Iminoff (age 15, keyboard and guitar), Kirk Jolander (age 16, keyboard and bass) and Zane McShtix (age 17, “born to play drums”).

“Their unique and hard-hitting music is an amalgamation best described as half punk, half rap, and half rock,” says Rolling Stone senior critic Anton Kurzweil III. “They’ve written some incredible songs together which are almost exclusively about the Dakota Access Pipeline protest imbroglio.”

Some of Mind Probe’s songs include: Lay Some Pipe, Foil The Oil, Zero Ground, Holy Imbroglio, and Reply To All (which will all be available in time for Christmas on their first CD which is entitled Garage Sale).

Husband Living In Doghouse Learns To Do Tricks For Treats

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Moorhead man banished to doghouse earns treats for learning some basic tricks.

Moorhead man banished to doghouse for being so negative earns treats for learning some basic tricks.

Moorhead, MN – After multiple misbehavings, Mr. Rolph Barker was banished to the doghouse by his wife.

Since then, and after being on a short leash for long enough, Rolph has started to show positive signs of improvement says Mrs. Barker.

“By using a strict system of threats and bribes, Rolphy seems to be learning what he can and cannot do. Also, he used to always be so negative, but we are quite positive that his behavior is starting to change for the better.”

An anonymous neighbor who’s been curiously observing the whole process, says that Connie Barker, a professional dog trainer, has been rewarding Rolph with treats such as beef shtix and beef jerky for learning to do tricks and odd-jobs on her honey-do list.

Every so often Connie will take her husband to play with some of the other husbands-in-training at the neighborhood dog park.

If you have a similar success story, please contact your local dog pound to share what’s been working for you.

Jason Bourne Moving Back To North Dakota After Learning His Identity

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The house he grew up in welcomes Jason Bourne home again.

The town and the house he grew up in welcome Jason Bourne home again.

Oakes, ND –  After learning that he lived and grew up in North Dakota prior to having his brain scrambled by the CIA, Jason Bourne has decided to move home again.

Jason Bourne: I am very much looking forward to once again living in Oakes, North Dakota where I was supposedly raised and in the home where they tell me I grew up. Hopefully I will remember someone there. It would be fun to get out and do some pheasant hunting.

Pamela Landy: After all he’s been through, I am so glad Jason might finally find some normalcy. He is a good guy who unfortunately has been through a lot. Oakes sounds like a perfect place for him to decompress for awhile.

Noah Vosen: We will be keeping a very close eye on Jason Bourne who is still a national asset and hopefully no longer a liability.

Nicky Parsons: If moving to Oakes, North Dakota is what Jason wants to do, I’m glad for him. Since I do love him very much, I may also consider moving to Oakes just in case Jason might be in need of some female companionship.

Gawk Tour Bus To Visit Pipeline Protest Site Without Getting Involved

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Sign up now for the next Gawk Tour Bus trip to see the Dakota Access Pipeline Protest up close.

Sign up now for the next Gawk Tour Bus trip to see the Dakota Access Pipeline Protest up close.

Dapl, ND – Have you been wanting to see what’s going on with the Dakota Access Pipeline protesters without really getting involved?

Would you like to watch history in the making while a major altercation is playing out?

Gawk Tours will soon be taking groups of people to near the front lines of a major national news story while sitting comfortably in a tour bus sipping fresh coffee and snacking on scones.

Gawk Tours is a division of the Rubberneck Corporation which has been safely giving onlookers easy access to major happenings such as aftermaths of hurricanes and flashpoints of social unrest for years.

Gawk Tour president Stanley Ogler: “Instead of having hundreds of cars doing the rubberneck drive-by of some point of interest, we put them all in a big bus and make it a fun group learning experience.”

If you would like to join the next Gawk Tour to go see angry people getting ready to camp outside during a North Dakota winter, simply sign up and wait at one of the many convenient pick-up points using the new Gawk Tour app. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your camera!

Area Clowns Needed To Scare Off Pipeline Protesters

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“Clean them clowns off our city streets ‘n get em out to the pipeline”
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Clowning an end to the protest.

Fargo, ND – Authorities think they’ve found a solution for all the unwelcome clowns we’ve noticed lately.

Clowning around has the people on edge. Ronald McDonald, Bozo, Krusty–they’ve all gone dormant after the recent outcry.

Lucky for them, authorities have found a more positive use for these Bozos. They want the color-clad jokesters to put their inadvertent scare tactics to work on the Dakota Access Pipeline protest.

Burns county sheriff Wint Cowbuster explains: “Nobody likes clowns anymore. Have you seen the news? A clown can’t even drive a car without spooking someone into phoning dispatch. ‘Yes, hi, 911? There’s a clown in a car.’ Really, guys? Really?? A clown can freak somebody out from inside his own vehicle? Fine, if they’re so scary we’ll see how the protesters like ’em.”

State patrol wants “a few dozen” volunteer clowns to hitch a ride out to the pipeline protest.

Any clowns who want to scare off some protesters will be picked up from wooded areas and sidewalks in the coming days.

They say a typical patrol squad car can transport up to 20 clowns at a time. 

Researchers Confirm That Thursday Is The New Friday

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Yes, indeed, Thursdays are the new Friday!

Yes, indeed, Thursday is the new Friday!

Duluth, MN – University of Minnesota at Duluth researchers have conclusively confirmed that Thursdays are now the new Fridays.

Just as we at the FM Observer have longly strongly suspected, that all-important Friday slot has now been taken over by Thurdays.

Professor Stuard Shy exclaims: “Because of the new extra tilting of the Earth, along with the advent of Thursday Night Football, yes indeed, Thursday has become the new Friday.”

By our calculations, because of this revelation, Tuesday afternoons are the new Humpday.

Professor Shy: “And expect to see more and more church goers going to church on Saturdays.”

How do you feel about all this? Please let us know by calling 1-800-THURSDAY and ask to speak directly with Professor Stuard Shy, whose name ironically can be rearranged to spell THURSDAYS!