Tilda Swinton Adds Fargo Shapeshifting Charity Tour Stop

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Will morph 4 U.

Fargo: The Witching Hour is nigh upon you. Famed Hollywood actress Tilda Swinton, best known for her superior acting prowess, is spearheading Breast Cancer Awareness month by bringing one of her lesser-known talents on a nationwide tour for charity.

Tilda Swinton’s Witching Hour gives patrons an up-close glimpse into her uncanny ability to shape-shift. Metaphysical duality will be on live display as Swinton morphs from a human to a ghost, floats aimlessly about the crowd caressing cheeks and twirling hair, then returns to form. This bewildering spectacle can be seen for the low-low price of $69.95 per person, 100% of which Swinton will donate to breast cancer awareness.

In a promotional video (that has been banned by YouTube) Swinton could be seen chanting “You will come. You will witness, in awe, the inspiring movement. You. Will. Experience.”

This marks the fifth consecutive year Tilda Swinton’s Witching Hour tours the nation but only the first time it appears in Fargo.

The witching shall commence at midnight October 29th in a field next to Hector Airport.

A large medium will read palms and minds to open the show.

World-Famous Scandinavian Folk Singer Coming To Fargo

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World-famous Hidah Tinkenshine will grace Fargo-Moorhead with her more than 100 hit songs from Scandinavia.

World-famous Hidah Tinkenbörg will grace Fargo-Moorhead with her more than 100 hit songs from Scandinavia.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is very proud and excited to announce that world-famous folk accordianist Hidah Tinkenbörg will be performing in Fargo sometime in the “very near future”.

Few singers ever achieve first-name-only status such a Madonna but Hidah is one of those lucky few who have arrived at super stardom through hard work, a bit of luck, and a ton of talent.

Ms. Tinkenbörg will be performing all of her hit songs that have taken the Scandinavian world by storm for the past four decades. Some of her most popular songs that she promises to play in Fargo include: I Love You, Let’s Sip Some Coffee, Please Play With Me, and of course her biggest hit song: Where Are You Hiding?

How did this come to pass you might ask that someone as famous as Hidah would come to Fargo? Answer: An older member of our staff recently went on a Scandinavian cruise ship and ended up sleeping with Hidah.

If you would like to win free tickets to experience the power of Hidah, please email us and include a line from one of your favorite Hidah Tinkenbörg songs. You will know if you’ve won tickets because a long white limousine will show up at your front door a few hours before each concert.

UFO Spotted Within Fargo City Limits

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This UFO was seen hovering in many Fargo underpasses this last weekend.

This UFO was seen hovering in many Fargo underpasses this last weekend.

Fargo, ND – “If seeing is believing, then you can believe this one!”, said NDSU Ufologist Donald Parkins who captured this amazing unidentified flying object on special digital camera equipment.

The clear image of this green and yellow UFO was taken at about 2:15 AM on Sunday morning near West Acres.

Dr. Parkins: “Its lights were sometimes on and sometimes blinking but always the same Bison colours and it moved like a large bumblebee trapped in a garage.”

As we have come to learn, Fargo is a hotbed of UFO activity which usually coincides near a full moon.

Since the FM Observer practically majored in UFOs, please send any pictures you may have taken of the flying mysteries to us for public dissemination after we have a chance to analyze them with expensive specially-designed equipment at our spacious corporate headquarters.

In the meantime, we advise that you avoid the West Acres area late at night unless you want to have a personal encounter with a UFO.

Global Warmers Now Say Global Cooling Is Evidence Of Long Term Warming Trend

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It makes sense that a prolonged period of Global Cooling is proof positive of long term Global Warming.

It makes sense that a prolonged period of Global Cooling is proof positive of long term Global Warming.

International Falls, MN – After Global Warmers from all around the world met in Minnesota, they all agreed that slightly falsified data now conclusively shows that Global Cooling is part of Global Warming and that the only way to solve the overall problem is by raising taxes.

Climate Changologists meeting in International Falls, Minnesota agreed that near-term Global Cooling is strong evidence that long-term Global Warming is “getting worser”.

Luckily, Algore’s carbon footprint tax plan is starting to be implemented which could not only save Planet Earth just in time but also win Algore at least one Nobel Peace Prize.

Climatological Mediators will also be doing some large-group counselling sessions with the Global Warming group and the Global Cooling group to see if a nice moderate temperature can be agreed upon by mixing the two.

The FM Observer is proud to have facilitated discussions about this important subject going back to the onset of the common bathroom blow dryer which was later shown to cause the melting of the polar stocking caps just as we had foreseen it in our laboratories.

Here are just a few of the articles the FM Observer has done about this timely subject:
Warmer Winters Maby Not All Bad
Springtime Global Warming Surprises Everyone
Robins Concur With Global Warming
Algore’s Warming Volcanic Activity
Brazil’s Sick Sugarloaf
How To Combat Global Cooling With Bonfires
Warming Causing Rising Oceans
Global Drying
The VooDoo Solution
What To Do With Climate Change Deniers
Go Green With Green Shoes

Many Companies See Benefits To Adding Whack-A-Mole To Their Employee Break Rooms

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Ever since we added Whack-A-Mole to our break room, work is a lot more fun!

Ever since we added Whack-A-Mole to our break room, work is a lot more fun!

Fargo, ND – After celebrating a birthday at Chuck-E-Cheese, Connie Johnson had a great idea for the company where she worked.

She put a suggestion in the Suggestion Box to have Whack-A-Mole machines installed in the company’s break room.

A week later six brand-new Whack-A-Mole machines were delivered and installed in the break room where Connie works.

A recent employee survey shows that company workers have responded well to the new Whack-A-Moles.

Ben T. intimated: “I really like to play Whack-A-Mole on my breaks.”

Gladice M. typed: “Whack-A-Mole helps me burn off stress in a super fun way!”

Conway J. whacks: “I was thinking about retiring soon but have changed my mind due to the Whack-A-Mole situation.”

During Another Moment Of Confusion, Hillary Says She’s Voting For Trump

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I love the Donald. I am voting for the Donald and you should too!

I love the Donald! I am voting for Donald Trump and you should too!

Clintonia, USA – While ostensibly suffering from another moment of dazed confusion, Hillary’s Clinton announced she is voting for Donald Trump for president.

After her army of aides and handlers tried to negate her pronouncement, she doubled down by also encouraging others to follow her lead and vote for The Donald.

Reporters quickly tried to change the subject by asking questions about other topics such as “Hillary, what’s your favorite pizza topping?” but Hillary seemed laser focused on the fact that she wanted to vote for the Trumpster.

Daughter Chelsea blamed her mother’s apparent lapse of judgment on the pneumonia medication she has been taking ever since she just barely stumbled into that black ambulance.

President Obama blamed George W. Bush for Hillary’s problems and then went golfing.

Bill Clinton was unavailable for comment about Hillary’s confused state of mind as he was off in a corner talking to some young female reporters about women’s rights issues.

Republican National Committee Considering Cormorant Mayor As Presidential Nominee

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From mayor to Republican Presidential Nominee? Duke is rising fast.

From mayor to Republican Presidential Nominee? Duke is rising fast.

Washington, DC – After a very tumultuous couple weeks, the Republican National Committee is flailing. The Donald has finally boasted himself out of public favor (for the most part–but some still want to Make America Great Again) and after last night’s debate meltdown, morale is lower than ever.

Reince Preibus has optioned another replacement nominee after his ridiculous idea of bringing in a broomstick to replace the Donald went south faster than those backyard sparrows did last week after the weather turned. 

Preibus: “Our nominee cannot be intolerant. He must be a friend to all. He mustn’t pander; he mustn’t beg, unless he’s really, really hungry (for votes). He must live to serve the American people. He must sift around in the grass for answers to what ails our country. He will sit, stay, lay down in the White House. He must be, in all cases, man’s best friend, mmkay?”

We suspect that Preibus is alluding to Duke, the mayor of lakeside town Cormorant in Minnesota.

Why Duke, you might ask? Duke, the incumbent mayor for the last 3 years, is not a chauvinist. He’s not a demagogue. He’s not a fascist. No, he’s none of these things because Duke is a 9-year-old Great Pyrenees.

Duke is clearly their guy. He will serve as an obvious upgrade from Donald Trump, who recently apologized for derogatory, aggrandizing banter made to a Bush about women. 

We expect a more formal announcement after Duke has his afternoon nap then goes potty.

Republican National Committee To Replace Donald Trump With Broomstick

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Potential GOP Presidential Nominee

Better option than Trump?

Washington, DC – At this hour, the Republican backpedal is spinning at over 6 million revolutions per second as the GOP scrambles to find a replacement for noted gropesmith Donald Trump. 

Reince Preibus was forced to remark on the possibility of extracting the Donald from state ballots prior to the November election. “We are evaluating every avenue and all options like we always have been and will continue to, do you see? The inevitability of a slender, stoic, hardline, bristly straight-sweeper with perfect hair that stands tall running for office is in the realm of potential, alrighty then?”

It sounds to the Observer like the Republican National Committee is efforting a broomstick as a last-minute replacement for Donald Trump. The broomstick is slender, stoic, hard, bristly and sweeps straight if you aim it in the right direction. It is a great tool that can clean up Washington without getting caught musing over sexual assault ardor.

The time is now for Reince to act. With yet another Presidential debate looming, perhaps the RNC will trot out a secret weapon to avoid the embarrassment of another Donaldism.

Young Man Digging Fargo Diversion By Himself

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This young Fargo man was so sick and tired of all the delays that he has begun digging the Fargo Diversion by himself.

This young Fargo man was so sick and tired of all the delays that he has begun digging the Fargo Diversion by himself.

Fargo, ND – After seeing more and more red tape causing endless delays, a young Fargo man has taken it upon himself to begin digging the controversial $2.2 billion Red River Diversion.

Timmy Diggs has already dug a half mile diversion channel exactly according to the official Diversion plans and he has no plans to stop digging.

Mrs. Diggs about son Timmy: “Every time there is another delay, Timmy just goes out and digs that much harder!”

Authorities say that if Timmy continues at his current rate, the entire Red River Diversion will be done by next fall and will come in at about $2.1 billion under budget.

Timmy in his own words: “During my long five years on this Earth, I have learned that if you want something to actually get done, you either have to do it yourself, or ask me to do it for you.”

When asked what he plans on doing after the Red River Diversion Project has been completed, Timmy says he is already gearing up to build that wall on our Southern border that Donald Trump has been promising.

Amnesia Support Group Forgets When And Where To Meet

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Fargo-Moorhead Amnesia Suuport Group

Fargo-Moorhead Amnesia Support Group

Moorhead, MN – The good news is that the Fargo-Moorhead area does have a special support group just for people suffering from amnesia.

The bad news is that the group has never actually met because no one has ever shown up for a meeting.

The Amnesia Support Group’s leader is supposedly Dr. Opie Sugarman but he himself has also never shown up for a meeting.

Dr. Sugarman ponders: “We are very excited for our Amnesia Support Group to finally getogether and meet for coffee and general group support since amnesia can be so very problematical for our group members who suffer from various amnesial symptoms.”

If you would like to attend the FM Amnesia Support Group’s next meeting, simply look at any listing of the local support groups that meet in our area. Just to be safe, jot down on your calendar the date, time, and place of the next meeting and try not to forget to check your calendar on a daily basis to see what you might be missing. Cookies of any kind are also very welcome!  :o]