New Meta-University Soon To Open In FM Area!

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FMO’s new Meta-University where really smart people think about thinking and learn about learning.

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer will soon be opening the nation’s first Meta-University for Advanced Meta-Cognitional Studies.

School Meta-President Andvork Herzlinger metacognates: “While other lesser institutes of higher learning like NDSU sometimes cause people to think and learn, FMO’s Advanced MetaSchool will have its students continuously thinking about thinking and constantly learning about learning.”

First year students will learn about learning about basic ways to metacognate and the general concepts of the Metacognitive Process in today’s world of challenges.

Second year students will add knowledge about adding knowledge about advanced study skills and monitoring their own Meta-Thoughts without the use of a smartphone.

Third year students will delve into delving into Meta-Memory capabilities and how to quickly store Mnemonic Strategies into their own metabrain compartments.

Fourth year students will build on what they’ve already been building on by being able to do full-scale self analysis testing and correctly identify Cognitive Distortions which can cause faulty thinkings.

Fifth year students will learn about Organizational Metacognition and how to apply Advanced Cognitive Restructuring applications without having to join cults such as Scientology.

If you feel you have what it takes to join our Hypercognitive Staff of instructional meta-mentors, please self-interview your self and forward your meta-results to Meta-President Andvork Herzlinger who will personally contact you about your personal meta-requirements such as salary, furniture, equipment, and food items of your choice in our over-stocked meta-refrigerational nutrition pantry.

Boy Gets Suspended From Skool For Saying ‘Shih Tzu’

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If it walks like a Shih Tzu and barks like a Shih Tzu, it’s probably safer to call it a Chinese Lion Dog.

Moorhead, MN – The day did not go the way young Raven Tufano was expecting. After doing his normal early morning routine which included taking his dog for a walk, he then headed off to school.

The teacher asked Raven’s class what different kinds of dogs they could think of. She started off by mentioning a German Shepherd since her husband was a police officer.

Raven raised his hand and said his dog named Skipper was a Shih Tzu.

After the class stopped laughing, the teacher asked “What did you say, young man?!” Raven repeated the fact that their dog was a Shih Tzu.

The next thing Raven knew was he was sitting in the principal’s office who was calling the boy’s parents discussing a possible one week suspension from school for swearing and class disruption.

Lesson to be learned: When in proper company, refer to a Shih Tzu as either a Chrysanthemum Dog or a Chinese Lion Dog.

Moral of the story: There’s a difference between being honest and being tactful.

FMO To Host Incredible Meet & Greet Session With Carson Wentz At Our New Corporate Headquarters

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Carson Wentz coming home for homecoming!

Hall of Fame quarterback Carson Wentz comes home for homecoming!

West Fargo, ND – With the ever-popular Carson Wentz in the area during his NFL bye week after crushing the Pittsburgh Steelers 34-3, the FMObserver will be hosting a special Meet & Greet session with the future Hall of Fame quarterback at our state-of-the-art corporate headquarters in Wentz Fargo.

For the first 10,000 Carson Wentz fans that show up, each will receive a free autographed NFL Carson Wentz jersey for only $50, plus enjoy free Philadelphia-style lobster bisque in a white wine deglazed reduction sauce served over Conchiglie pasta (since it looks like little footballs) for a suggested voluntary offering of $35 to help cover the cost of flying the live lobsters in from Philadelphia via lobster drones.

Then, if the spirits move you, hottub in one of our many corporate hottubs after shooting clay pigeons with Carson Wentz from our rooftop party gazebo while being entertained by the infamous Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders and the band Earth, Wind and Fire.

With thee Carson Wentz in town, it’s time to cancel your meaningless garage sale or pull your kids out of their scoreless soccer games and go catch one of the many free shuttle buses that will be continually transporting folks to and from the Carson Wentz Meet & Greet Extravaganza Celebratorial Event-of-the-Century and remember to bring lots of money for all of the free stuff!

Horoscopes For The Week Of September 25, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
It will be difficult to verbalize what you’re feeling later this week, especially tied to that chair with duct tape over your mouth.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Against their better judgement, the stars have decided to just sit back, grab some popcorn, and watch your Bedroom Beehive idea claim its rightful place in the annals of natural selection.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The rise of Venus suggests that you will soon cross paths with a forgotten love, so keep your eyes peeled for the familiar sparkle of that Strawberry Hill Boone’s Farm bottle.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
An inexplicable crop circle will leave you with a lot of questions. Fortunately, a Scientology recruiter on a riding mower will have all the answers.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
Being a Leo has never seemed particularly advantageous, but when you accidentally stumble into that DiCaprioLand wormhole on Tuesday, the true benefits will be rather amazing.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Sorry, kiddo. You got the gift, but it looks like you’re waiting for something. Hey, what the? Dang it! Somebody call security and tell them the Oracle snuck in here again…

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
A whimsical mood will overtake you later this week. Oops, instead of “whimsical mood” the stars meant to say “giant cloud of locusts”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Squirreling away some extra money would be wise this week, although with your facial features, chipmunking it away might come more naturally.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your curious nature will lead to a terrible discovery when you realize too late that zoo officials are seriously done rescuing stupid people from the Polar Bear exhibit.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The stars calculate that, in dog years, your maturity level finally makes mathematical sense.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
On your commute home tonight, take time to appreciate your favorite song, because starting tomorrow you won’t be able to listen to it without reliving the trauma of “the kitten crossing incident”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
The shifting sands of time will trigger a powerful change in your life, specifically when your house gets swallowed up by that sinkhole on Thursday.

Past horoscopes

If You See This Chipmunk, Contact Your Local Authorities Immediately

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Considered to be a "chipmunk of interest", authorities would like to question this little guy.

Considered to be a “chipmunk of interest”, authorities would like to question this little guy.

Lakes, MN – The authorities are asking for your help in finding this chipmunk who goes by the name of “Mr. Chippy”.

Mr. Chippy is considered by local authorities to be a “chipmunk of interest” in a rash of burglaries and break-ins throughout the Minnesota lakes area.

Some of the things cabin dwellers have found to be missing include nuts, acorns, seeds, mushrooms, corn, berries, slugs, and snails.

Mr. Chippy is possibly armed and dangerous. He may have food and weapons stockpiled in his burrow.

If you see this Minnesota menace who stands at about 4 inches tall, has black stripes down his back and a bushy little tail, please remain calm in your home, and call your local authorities immediately to report the situation.

If Mr. Chippy should approach you while outside your home, toss a peanut away from yourself which should allow you time to quickly run into your home and lock the doors and windows.

E Corp Chief Technology Officer Warns Of Possible Hack

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Trust in E Corp®

New York, NY – In a coded briefing released at 12:34:56 PM yesterday, Terry Colby, the Chief Technology Officer of banking conglomerate E Corp, warned of another potential hack aimed at their users’ personal data.

This briefing, deciphered from a standard base-10 algorithm downloaded from a .docm macro, reads “A femtocell DDoS containing malware infiltrated a back-door zero-day vulnerability via our static IP resulting in a rootkit packet-sniffing botnet. This won’t reoccur but could be perpetrated again by fsociety members as a 2nd-phase 5/9 attack. -TC”

The Observer cannot confirm nor disconfirm the suspicion that Terry Colby or any top-level E Corp representative actually did release this coded briefing, but we can confirm that it was found in an encrypted email from E Corp to fmobserver@gmail.com at 12:34:56 yesterday with instructions to release it at 12:34:56 today. 

This comes after the public was made aware of a Yahoo user account breach that finally made national headlines two whole years after it occurred. 

Fargo Hires Fourth Grader To Prevent System Hacking

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Child prodigy Ethan Hackett hired to protect City of Fargo’s computer systems.

Fargo, ND – The City of Fargo has decided to hire a fourth grader named Ethan Hackett to prevent hackers from infiltrating the city’s new computer systems.

Ethan’s mother tells the story that when young Ethan was but a babe, his favorite nursery rhyme was: “Hackary dackary dock, his mouse clicked on a clock”.

Lucy Bavaro who is Ethan’s fourth grade teacher says of the lad: “During our recent regional Hackathon, Ethan not only won it, but he hacked the contest and changed it to show looped Mr. Robot youtube videos. When not hacking around, Ethan likes to play hackysack with his friends.”

Ethan Hackett in his own words: “I tend to get real hacked off when other hacktivists try to hack into something that’s hackable with a hacksaw in order to do some real damage. I have always used my hacktivism to show how hackable systems are in order for them to prevent future serious data hackage.”

The City of Fargo plans to put Ethan Hackett on their payroll at a salary level which is to remain private unless it’s hacked. They also will be paying him bonus incentives in the form of bubble gum, Mashers, and iTunes gift cards.

Skittles Founder Responds To Newest Trump Campaign Metaphor

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Skittletopia, West Virginia – The founding father of one of America’s favorite candies has taken offense to this new Trump campaign musing:

Bowl of delightfuls

Bowl of delightfuls

Shortly after Donald Trump, Jr tweeted that photo, Skittles pioneer Phictor Skittle went ballistic on behalf of the small sugary candy his family invented back in the early 1940s.

“Isn’t it too bad that a basket of deplorables chose to use my tart ‘n tangy tongue treats as xenophobic fodder for the refugee movement? It pains my taste buds to say this, but you’re far more likely to die from choking on one of my fruity delights than you are to get killed by a war-torn refugee. Leave my family’s gritty gum bombs out of it.”

Phictor Skittle has formally asked the Trump4Prez camp to remove this cruel, unfair depiction from the internet out of respect for his family’s succulent legacy.

Wounded Knee Could Leave Adrian Peterson A Paralegal For The Rest Of His Life

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Adrian Peterson being assisted off the field since new home field forgot to buy a golf cart.

Adrian Peterson being assisted off the field since new home field stadium forgot to buy a golf cart.

Minneapolis, MN – After only seven quarters of football, Adrian Peterson’s 2016 season appears to be in serious jeopardy.

While Colin Kaepernick has been taking a knee during the National Anthem, Adrian Peterson is losing a knee, following in the footsteps of teammate Theodore Bridgewater, Jr.

After an underwhelming 12 carries for 19 yards against the visiting Packers, losing Adrian Peterson would be an overwhelming loss for the Vikings.

On a negative note, the game against the Green Bay Packers could leave Adrian Peterson as a paralegal with the Vikings for the rest of his life.

On a positive note, former Vikings defensive tackle Alan Page successfully embarked on a legal career after leaving the Vikings. Page went on to serve as an associate justice of the Minnesota Supreme Court from 1993 until retiring in 2015.

Even though the Vikings ultimately won their first game in their new stadium, with the loss of Adrian Peterson it seems to be a Pyrrhic victory.

Stephen King To Read Scary Books To Children At Fargo Liberry

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Rather than learning how not to fear one ought rather learn what to fear.

“Rather than learning how not to fear, one ought rather learn what to fear.”

Fargo, ND – As a public service announcement, consider yourself now informed that author Stephen King will be reading scary books to children every day all next month at the Fargo Public Liberry. Times for the sessions will be quite random just to keep listeners off balance and on their toes.

Author King recently unveiled a new line of scary books called The Fear Factory written just for children from ages 6 to 666.

Some have called Stephen King “the king of phobia creators” but he sees it a bit differently. “My books simply magnify pre-existing phobias. Rather than running from or even trying to face your fears, one should learn what to fear and how to survive it.”

Here are some of the wonderful book titles from Stephen King’s new Fear Factory that he will be reading to children at the Fargo Public Liberry:

Who Is Under My Bed?
Axe Me A Question
Where Is Daddy Going?
The Doorbell Sounds Weird
Why Is The Floor All Red?
Please Let Me Out Now
What’s In The Basement?
Grandpa Looks Blue
What’s For Supper?