NDSU Changing Its School Song To: We Are The Champions!

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While striving for 6 consecutive championships, Bison fans will be cheering for: The Joy Of Six!

Fargo, ND – Ever since the third verse of the NDSU Bison school song was found to have some “troubling” lyrics, the search has been on to pick a replacment song for “The Yellow and the Green” which was written by Archibald Minard and Clarence Putnam back around 1908.

NDSU is now extremely proud to announce that its new official school song is: We Are The Champions!

This ever-popular song was written by the late, great Freddie Mercury and introduced to the world by the band Queen in 1977.

After five straight national championships by the NDSU football team, We Are The Champions seems to be the perfect new school song for The Bison. In fact, Freddie Mercury said that he was actually thinking about football when he wrote the song.

With their new school song behind them, the NDSU Bison will now seek to extend their championship run to six straight winning trips to Frisco, Texas.

For this quest, the NDSU Bison football team is also announcing their new official slogan for this next year: The Joy Of Six!

Moorhead Man Lands Record Large-Mouth Bass From Long Lake

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Long Lake is one of the best fishing lakes in Minnesota.

Long Lake is one of the best fishing lakes in Minnesota.

Long Lake, MN – During the opening of fishing season, Humbert Galasso landed what appears to be the largest large-mouth bass ever caught in Minnesota.

Mr. Galasso had just begun fishing on one of 121 different lakes in Minnesota called “Long Lake”.

After hooking a small perch, Humbert was reeling it in when a good-sized, hungry northern bit onto the line trying to eat the perch for breakfast.

What happened next will stay with Humbert Galasso forever.

He could suddenly see a giant open mouth coming up from the bottom of the lake.

What turns out to be a record-setting 358-pound large mouth bass was now caught on Humbert’s hook.

Being an experienced fisherman, it only took about two hours to get the monster fish securely into the boat.

Needless to say, everyone in Humbert Galasso’s neighborhood is invited over next Friday for a very large fish fry. Please bring your own bier.

Ironically, all the letters in “Humbert Galasso” can be rearranged to spell: Large Mouth Bass!

FMO’s Golf Pro Shares Valuable Tips To Greatly Improve Your Game

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FMO’s golf pro will use the most advanced scientific methodologies to figure out why your golf game sucks so badly.

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer recently hired a golf professional to join our growing staff. Wade Lancer is his name and improving your golfing is his game.

Here are a few easy ways that Wade Lancer has put together to immediately shave strokes off your scorecard and also some great extra bonus tips to help impress your golfing buddies:

Pre-Game: Take a long hot shower in the morning and then major carb load on Mexican rice, beans, and enchiladas. A margarita or two certainly couldn’t hurt either if you’re feeling nervous. This warm-up routine should help illiminate your nasty snap-hook.

Clothing: Always wear a very bright and colorful outfit to play golf. Many rounds of golf are either won or lost while standing on the first tee-off box as your playing partners secretly size up their competition. Why do you think Ricky Fowler has been so darn successful?

Driving: To find your natural grip, simply hold your golf club like you’re grabbing a pool cue to swing at a bar-room attacker. After teeing up your ball as high as possible, remain in a steady, balanced ready-position long enough to summon up all that volcanic anger you felt during yesterday’s road rage incident when that loser cut in front of you and then flipped you off. As you swing to hit the ball, focus all that pent-up anger like a funneled laser beam onto the impact point of the ball. Don’t worry about your follow through because by that time, the ball is hopefully long gone in the right direction.

Fairway Shots: Using whichever club is your favorite, always aim straight for the flag on the green and then yell “fore!” after stroking your ball. It’s OK to tee your golf ball up on a perfect tuft of grass as long as you invoke “Winter Rules” beforehand.

Driving A Cart: Quite honestly, this is the best part of golfing. Sudden starts and stops are best. Always have drinks and snacks handy. Feel free to drive over your opponent’s golf ball especially if they’re not watching.

Chipping: This is easy. Simply use your chipper to launch the ball up onto the green much like you would just toss the ball with your hand. If a player from the group behind you ever hits their ball up into your general vicinity, do that person a huge favor and immediately hit their ball back at them and say “You’re welcome!”

Putting: Clear your mind of distractions like that unopened IRS audit envelope sitting on your desk. Trust your instincts to get the ball somewhat close to the hole. Anything within a club length of the hole is considered a gimme.

For more tricks and tips to help your golf game not suck so bad, simply ask anyone looking like they might be Wade Lancer if they have time to maby watch you hit a bucket of balls.

Fargo Homeless Man Amasses Fortune From Penny Trays

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or, just take all of them when no one is looking.

…or, just take them all when no one’s looking!

Fargo, ND – A homeless man who has been calling Fargo home for the past few years shared his amazing story with the FM Observer recently.

Jevon Varley once took a few pennies from the penny tray at a convenience store check-out counter and put them in his pocket.

He continued to gather and collect pennies, nickels, dimes, and sometimes quarters out of the penny trays from many different places in the area over a period of years.

As a former numismatist, he also knew that some coins were worth much more than their face value.

Mr. Varley stored his coins in coffee cans and when full, would hide or bury them in various places throughout the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At one point, Jevon realized he had gradually amassed quite a respectable sum of money. The total came to just over $98,000!

Unfortunately, in the end, Mr. Varley then took a cab to a local casino and lost it all playing high-stakes poker within a matter of a few hours.

Moral of the story: A penny saved is money earned unless it’s gambled, then it’s burned.

Obama Names NDSU Bison Our National Football Team

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Generations of Bison have and will continue to dominate the competition in and on the field.

Buffalo, NY – President Obama has graciously taken some time off his busy golf schedule to name the NDSU Bison our official national football team.

Top spokesman for the president, Scheff Fleffly spoke on strict terms of anonymity:

“Let it be known far and wide, that we hereby decree, from this day forward, that the 5-Time National Champion NDSU Bison from Fargo, South Dakota are henceforth to be named the national football team of America.”

Reaction to this major announcement was swift and mixed, and then poured into a tall chilled glass:

“Hey, I thought Fargo was in Canada, eh?” pondered Dumpster Johnstone’s stepmother.

Crest Fleckers lisped: “It’s about time, since the Bisons not only discovered America but have managed to dominate since Day One!”

LaFlex Boddington retroflexed: “Don’t we have more impotent things to worry about like Global Cooling or lowering the Maximum Wage?!”

Punky Butterworth sub-vocalized: “Well, that’s just fricking great! Now perhaps we can finally integrate outcome-based critical thinking via self-reflection on what the Bison mean to us, collectively, as a group.”

Xcel Energy Announces Power Outage Compensation Plan

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I kill your power with glee and envy.

Fargo, ND – Faulty equipment. The ritualistic conjuring of ancient evils. Fallen tree branches. Squirrels and other burrowing rodents. Global warming. What do these things have in common? Yes, they’re all signs of the coming apocalypse. But also, they are reasons of blame for the local recurrence of Xcel Energy power outages.

Fargo-Moorhead area Xcel customers want to know: What is being done about all these lights quittin’ and whatnot? Will there be indemnity? Reimbursement?  People are sick of their homes turning into caves on a regular basis.

Enjoy the free power.

Whatever.

Finally, Xcel is providing answers. Here’s what’s being done about the repetitive circuit zapping: The energy provider is awarding a compensation package to customers affected by these outages.

If you’ve suffered a power outage during 2016, you will be provided a compensation package that includes a solar panel keychain and your very own frizzled tree squirrel carcass.

Your package will be mailed to the affected address, no questions asked.  

Xcel expects to ship a buttload of these during the weeks to come.

City of Fargo Debuts New Rabbit Bounty Program

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Mister Wabbit, before you die, you can have one wast wish!” – Elmer Fudd

Here at FM Observer we like to take input from the “common folk” of the FM area. Their biggest complaint is that the rabbit population has been hare-balling out of control and let me tell you, people are furiously fed up. As a result, the city has hastily issued a new program that will: 1. take care of the excessive rabbit population and 2. Let disgruntled citizens blow off some steam. 

The City of Fargo announced today that a new rabbit bounty program will take effect this weekend appropriately on Friday the 13th.

The guidelines of the program include:

  • Bounty will pay $5 per rabbit, $3 per bunny
  • Rewards can be traded for a deduction against your yearly city taxes or free beer
  • First 100 rabbits you are able to bag will get you a seat at the city’s Rabbit Stew Banquet Dinner including free beer
  • Shoot to kill; there are no limits

One might ask what exactly is the city going to do with all these rabbits? Rumors are being spread that the city is starting a huge municipal fur company. Or, perhaps the meat will find its way to your local farmer’s market.

Germany imports $40 million worth of rabbits every year! This could put Fargo on the map as a renowned animal trader, so get out there and start shooting up.

FMO Hunting Season

FM Observer Secures Naming Rights To Hazeltine National Golf Course Outhouses

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Waste where crap should be.

Chaska, MN—Brands®. You can’t escape them. Nowadays, it matters where your Brand™ is and how your Brand© looks. The more places your Brand° can exist, the better.

Almost every pro sport has caught on to this trend. Watch any ballgame these days and you’ll notice how brands have infiltrated almost every visual aspect. They’re on floors, jerseys, in the crowd, on the walls. Even the Green Monster at Fenway Park in Boston has fallen victim to them. Too bad. What is regarded as an iconic emblem of baseball’s storied history has been partially defaced by logos.

It’s go brand or go home these days, and we’ll be damned if we miss the boat on this one. That’s why our Agency Service Subcommittee of Homeland Advertising Techniques (ASSHAT) has been aggressively shopping our brand in places where no other satirical news agency would be foolish enough to advertise.

That said, we are proud to announce, in conjunction with the PGA Tour® and Port-A-Juan™, that our ASSHAT has successfully negotiated a very exclusive naming rights contract for this year’s 2016 Ryder Cup tournament! In a groundfracking 8-figure deal (move the decimal point a few spots to the left), FM Observer™ will have its logo plastered on every Port-A-Juan© outhouse on the Hazeltine front nine.

Patrons at Hazeltine the weekend of October 1st are going to reluctantly encounter the FMO brand prior to downloading. Our proud logo will adorn strategically-placed outhouses:

hazeltine

Relief at holes 1-9 brought to you by FM Observer®

In the competition of Brand® recognition, location is everything. We’re fixin’ to install our brand in the most awkward areas imaginable. We hope you get used to it.

Horoscopes For The Week Of May 8, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
Careful planning and attention to detail will be important as you undertake a new challenge, because mastering that “Crushed Glass and Arsenic Brownies” recipe is going to be a little tricky.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
A surprise visit from your half-brother will yield some confusing information later this week, mostly because you’re unaware that your dad has a second family in upstate New York and you have a half-brother named Karl.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
The stars are currently unavailable as they are partying like it’s 1999 to celebrate the arrival of their all-time favorite Gemini, Prince Rogers Nelson. Auto Reply: In this life, things are much harder than the afterworld. In this life, you’re on your own.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
Things should really start looking up this week. Correction: You should really start looking up this week. In your selfies.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The presence of Mars in your Sun house suggests that brighter days are ahead, which will be followed by even brighter days, then blindingly bright days, and finally, the apocalypse.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Last week, the stars agreed that taking that long-overdue vacation could be just what you need this month, Virgo. However, your idea to book your stay at The Stumble On Inn is making them reconsider their position.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your lucky numbers this week are 0101010101. Yeah, if you’re Bill Gates! Psych!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
A heart-to-heart talk with a trusted friend could help you see things more clearly, although your extreme paranoia will, once again, completely derail that possibility.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your outgoing personality will help you land a lucrative server position at Red Lobster this week. However, you will find that yelling “You Can’t Handle The Booth!” at customers won’t go over any better there than it did at Applebee’s.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
The world is your oyster, Capricorn! Also, that oyster is in the path of a very large oil tanker whose captain is about halfway through a fifth of Jim Beam.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
Your lifelong practice of repressing your emotions will prove to be both a blessing and a curse this week, minus the blessing part.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
The stars want to remind you that all things happen for a reason, although to be fair, the reason you’re about to have the most bizarre and disturbing week of your life has more to do with the Universe being just plain bored than anything else.

Past horoscopes

Hillary Clinton Recruiting Tech Students To Host Her Email Server

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Presumptive President Clinton ponders potential political possibilities.

Washington, DC – As the presumptive president Hillary Rodham Clinton proactively prepares to move back into the White House along with her husband Bill and his concubine Monica Lewinsky, the former Secretary of State is seeking the services of some smart, young, tech-minded students to securely store her email server in their broom closet so classified information does not fall into the hands of international hackers, or even worse, the Republicans.

The smartest woman in the world has shown a penchant in the past for using a non-government, privately maintained server when conducting official classified government business instead of one that is maintained on supposedly secure federal government servers even though her use of private messaging system software and a private server violated government procedures and federal regulations governing record keeping requirements, only because Hillary is so smart and feels she can do the job of keeping classified emails safe and private better than some federal flunkies who don’t really know what the hell they’re doing when it comes to top-secret information.

As president, Hillary wants to make sure she maintains the high security standards she set for herself while Secretary of State so she can focus all her energy on making the rich (like John Kerry) pay their fair share, rather than wasting her time testifying under oath as to how her classified emails were or were not allegedly hacked by the vast right wing conspiracy.