Million Dollar Painting Vanishes During Art Show

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‘Old New York’ by Lord Van Dyke

Fargo, ND – A valuable painting by the late Lord Van Dyke with an estimated worth of five million dollars suddenly vanished while the museum’s art curator was discussing its importance relative to the art world.

The painting had recently been donated to Fargo’s Museum Of Modern Art by Svenster Borgman, an extremely rich Norwegian benefactor whose lineage goes way back to the Fairhair Dynasty.

While renowned art curator Massi Miliano was teaching a master class at the museum about Lord Van Dyke’s painting which is entitled Old New York, it just suddenly disappeared into thin air right in front of the stunned audience.

Digital surveillance video slowed down a thousand times normal speed shows a man walk across the stage and simply carry the 6 x 6 foot painting out of the room.

If you see this man or the painting, please call the Fargo Museum Of Modern Art to claim your reward of one free ticket to the FM Derby Girls, and two free passes to the Golden Corral in Fargo.

Fargo Man Returns Home To Discover Demolition Crew Destroying Wrong House

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Fargo man quickly becomes fluent in profanity.

Fargo, ND – You can imagine the shock that Mr. Henry Kaberry who lives at 2088 Muscat Street was feeling when he pulled into his driveway.

While his children were still at school and his wife was at work, he decided to go workout at the gym on his day off.

Upon returning home, their recently-remodeled house was already half torn down by a giant claw attached to some large machinery which had badly torn up his potential yard-of-the-month.

As it turns out, the demolition crew was supposed to destroy the house at 1088 Muscat Street but with the 1 looking like a 2, the unthinkable happened.

Ironically, when Henry Kaberry went in for a routine physical exam last year, he ended up having his gall bladder removed after the hospital mistakenly put him into the wrong room.

Fargo Hospital Hires First Monkey Doctor

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Dr. Bonzo is very excited to begin his medical practice in Fargo, North Dakota.

Fargo, ND – An area hospital is proud to announce a new team member to its full-time staff.

Dr. Panky Bonzo, who recently finished up his residency at the prestigious Cleveland Clinic, will begin seeing patients this summer.

To make Doctor Bonzo more at home, his office is being wallpapered in a jungle motif with decorative accent strips of yellow bananas along with multiple vines and ropes hanging from the ceiling.

Panky is a general practice doctor who tends to specialize in problems with the hands and feet, such as plantar fasciitis.

He is a very good listener, loves funny stories and can tell a few of his own.

Dr. Bonzo (who is currently single) loves walks along the river, sharing banana splits, playing on the monkey bars and watching old movies.

April 30 Is National Chop-Down-Your-Neighbor’s-Tree Day

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April 30 Is National Chop-Down-Your-Neighbor's-Tree Day!

Today is the day you get to chop down that tree you hate in your neighbor’s yard! No questions axed.

Marked Tree, Arkansas – In the wake of yesterday being Arbor Day, today is our national day to chop down any neighborhood trees that you don’t like. Chop it down today and axe questions tomorrow.

Trees have been shown to provide shade which can lead to Global Cooling. Do your part. Chopped down a tree today. No questions axed.

Many accidental injuries are tree-related such as falling out of a treehouse while drinking a bier. Help avoid these type of accidents in your neighborhood. Proactively start a-chopping. Axe a friend to help.

Trees can be home to many diseases such as Dutch Elm, Treebola, and the dreaded Zika Virus. If you’re tired of being sick, today is the day to make a difference.

So, go grab that axe and do what needs to be done. If they axe you why you’re doing it, there’s no need to mention that you read this post on the FM Observer. You just tell’em, hey, it’s National Chop-Down-A-Neighbor’s-Tree Day!

35-Foot Snake Possibly On The Loose In Moorhead

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A reward of free snakeskin boots will be given to the person who captures this extremely large snake which answers to the name “Slang”.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities not wanting to cause any sort of panic in the normally quaint city of Moorhead are quietly warning residents that a very large snake is unfortunately slithering around town.

The snake, whose name is Slang, somehow got loose while a local film crew was working on a new movie called Snake On The Plains.

While the movie-makers were having an extended smoke break to discuss the Carson Wentz situation, the unattended 35-foot armless reptile wandered off in the direction of Concordia College.

Dr. Thiv Simpkins is an expert Herpetologist: “This unusually large snake should pose no threat to the general public as long as it’s not hungry. Do you know what I’m saying?”

If you happen to come across Slang in your backyard or perhaps down in your basement, please remember that even though Slang is a movie star, it is still a 35-foot snake who maybe hasn’t eaten in a few days.

Senate To Debate If ‘Biweekly’ Means Twice Per Week Or Once Every Two Weeks

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U.S. Senate only spends time debating impotent issues.

U.S. Senate spends time debating impotent issues.

Washington, DC – Next week, the United States Senate is set to debate what is the precise definition of the ambiguous term “biweekly“.

Some senators strongly believe that biweekly means twice a week, as in: “The biweekly trysts with my paramour usually happen on Wednesdays and Saturdays.”

Other senators vehemently disagree while believing that biweekly means once every two weeks. Example: “It is time to vote to double our Senatorial pay by changing the schedule from every four weeks to biweekly.”

What the Senate decides could make a big difference whenever the term “biweekly” is used.

Where do you stand on this controversial issue which is negatively affecting the unity of the United States?

You can expect to hear this important question contested hotly during the upcoming presidential debates between Hillary’s Clinton and Donald’s Trump.

The Northern Fargo North Dakota

The Northern To Begin Drug Testing Female Dancers

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The Northern Fargo North Dakota

Wanted: Elevated levels (of talent)

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s only gentlemen’s club is undergoing a drastic change in worker policy. Club Northern has vowed to begin drug testing female talent, but with a catch: To comply with this zany new policy, dancers must FAIL the test.

Newly-appointed club manager Lucian Dontabulo refused to comment. “No comment,” he said. He then went on to say “I don’t want my dancers coming in here clean. Every dancer I’ve ever managed has been on something. Dirty dancers print money. They make it rain like the Amazon, bro. Just sayin’ — don’t bring the juice unless it’s tainted.”

New hire eligibility is now contingent on a drug test containing greater than trace amounts of any narcotic.

Current dancers will be tested at random, once every month. Those who fail will be rewarded the usual stipend. Those who pass will be written up with a warning. Three consecutive warnings will get you 86’d.

This controversial new policy does not apply to amateur night contestants. Any random who’s brave enough to jump up there and swing on the pole is still welcome to try it.

The Northern does not enforce said testing policy nor does it employ the club manager referred to therein. This post is satire.

Fargo Restroom Patrons Can Use Whichever One They Want Based On How They Feel

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Men and Women will no longer be segregated into separate bathrooms.

Fargo, ND – To avoid any possible messy lawsuits, all public and private businesses in Fargo will now be required to allow anyone to use whichever bathroom they want based on how they feel at that moment.

So, if you’re biologically male, but feel like using the bathroom normally intended for females, you just go right ahead and do so.

“Why should women be the only ones who are allowed to use the nicer women’s restrooms?”, complains Mort Rose, a professional activist who founded the group: Social Unrest Crisis Kitchen, or SUCK for short.

Mort Rose goes on: “The old paradigm of men go here and women go there is based on a segregational model, which I believe has been outlawed – because it’s just plain wrong!”

All across F-Town, signs that used to say “Men” and “Women” will now be replaced with signs that just say “Bathroom” or “Restroom”.

Free FMO Adult Ed Classes To Increase Your Vocabulary

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You will learn new words so you can impress your friends!

Learn new words so you can impress your co-workers and friends!

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer will soon be hosting another claborian self-improvement class at our intercamped West Fargo headquarters.

This zaptic vocabulary enrichment training is entitled “Impress Others With Lostic Words”.

Imagine answering a job interview question like this: Your company’s bluctive avation is urgibly ostile.

Or, while out on a first date you say: I love how your nesphisis is so speeblish in this tostive shiller!

You won’t want to miss this obtroctive free training taught by some of the most tholmic frunkers in the region.

Bring your ludger to thrumpet the elmody while meeting other farths who share your same scuvition for glegmatic fonkerness.

Newly Painted Downtown Fargo Buildings To Add Some Much Needed Color

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Downtown Fargo's New 'Color My World' Project

Downtown Fargo’s Colorization Project

Fargo, ND – Peter Maxim, an NDSU student majoring in Color Psychology, has come up with a great idea to make Downtown Fargo more attractive.

During the summer, Peter’s project called “Color My World” will gradually paint all of the old buildings in historic Downtown Fargo a specific palette of vibrant colors designed to bring the whole area to life.

“Gone will be the daze of drab and boring nothing-colors which have made the downtown area about as inviting as going to a divorce counseling session,” says Peter Maxim as he ponders what colors each individual building will be painted, based on their unique location and aura.

Peter Maxim: “Think of this project as basically a giant three-dimensional paint-by-number project needing hundreds of painters to change Fargo’s entire downtown area into livable art.”

Volunteer painters who help out the Color My World project will be provided free water compliments of the Buy Dehydrated Water company located on the internet.

If you would like to help make Downtown Fargo Great Again, please contact Mr. Peter Maxim or just show up downtown with a paintbrush, some safety glasses and a ladder, if you have one.