Fargo To Vote On Changing To Either A 6-Day Or 8-Day Week

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Do you think it’s time for Fargo to change its time?

Fargo, ND – With the Fargo City Commission starting to run out of things to talk about, people in the FM area will soon have an unexpected opportunity to vote on whether or not Fargo should change from the normal seven 24-hour days to either six 28-hour days or eight 21-hours days.

Proponents of a change say that some people are sick and tired of the old “24 x 7” mentality and are seeking something new.

Autio Batista says: “Having fewer longer days would give people extra time to get more done each day while an increased number of shorter days definitely has some advantages such as easily providing everyone a nice three-day weekend!”

Opponents against altering Fargo’s time framework believe that the city commission has way more impotent things to discuss, such as the diversion, or a diversion to the diversion, or preparing to fight the dreaded zika virus.

If you are in favor of Fargo changing to either six 28-hour days or eight 21-hours days, please strongly voice your opinion at any of the upcoming Fargo City Commission meetings.

Today Is National Haiku Poetry Day!

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Write a 5-7-5 haiku today and tomorrow.

Write a 5-7-5 haiku today and tomorrow.

West Fargo, ND – Yes, it is once again National Haiku Day!

These are those short 5-7-5 syllable poems that made China famous.

We here at the FM Observer use haiku poems as our standard default method of inter-office communication each and every day.

We’ll show you some of our haikus if you show us yours.

To get the ball rolling, here are some of our haikus, on this National Haiku Poetry Day:

Line one of haiku
We’re into line number two
Third and final line

This is a haiku
Now it is almost over
How did you like it?

Are you ready yet?
Tomorrow is not today
Become the sunrise

My dog is Fido
And my cat’s name is Felix
My car is Otto

A pair of Shih Tzus
It seems like a great idea
After many beers

If you drink and drive
Make sure that what you’re drinking
Is just H 2 O

If fences don’t work
Then why do they have a fence
Around the White House?

Sanders and Clinton
Both stand for Big Government
Hello George Orwell

Went 2 math camp once
8 equations 4 dinner
Number of friends there

This is a haiku
It is almost finished now
Let’s write another!

FM Observer
Your best source of real fake news
We’re always working

Fargo Marathon Decides To Not Have One Set Route

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Fargo Marathon begins from the Fargodome.

Fargo, ND – Unlike past years when Fargo Marathon runners had to run a pre-defined, set route to a pre-determined finish line, this year the full marathon runners will be able to run their own routes.

As usual, all runners for the full marathon will begin together from the Fargodome but as soon as they leave the building, they are free to run in any damn direction they want and take whatever route that they decide to run.

Race organizer Troy Aggen explains it all like this:

“It’s a very new concept in marathoning which will eliminate that annoying early-race cloggage and also add an exciting element of creativity for the runners.”

“Just think of it as one of those large pyrotechnical fireworks that goes off into every direction when it explodes.”

“By having every runner’s Fitbit race monitor sending data back to our main race computer, we’ll know exactly how long it took each person to run the 26.2 miles.”

FMObserver Lands Exclusive Interview With Mr. Stephen Hawking

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Theoretical physicist and cosmologist, Stephen Hawking, sits down for an interview with your FMObserver.

FMO: What is time?

Stephen Hawking: I invite you to set aside your present preconceptions of time and consider the possibility of creating multiple duration streams as a quantitative measure for the day when demand for increasing services excludes all other choices in the quest for total excellence.

FMO: If a person ate themself, would they become twice as big or completely disappear?

Stephen Hawking: Most people, other than myself, have closed their eyes to the possibility of facilitating cannibalistic social networking as long as a potential for double action becomes the prevailing outlook.

FMO: What is the meaning of life?

Stephen Hawking: My goal for this ultimate theoretical question is utilizing outside-the-box thinking as a technique of experiencing quantum holistic change while maximum opportunity rises to the surface in a sea of ever-shifting credibility for living.

FMO: What’s the difference between good and bad?

Stephen Hawking: Today is your lucky day. I can now tell you that factoring oblique statistical trajectories of good versus bad has an ever-increasing side effect while the good spectrum expands beyond the current expectational matrix of the bad.

FMO: Does thought require language?

Stephen Hawking: You may totally disagree with me on this, but I firmly believe in finding language mining opportunities as the most logical step toward being exquisitely focused on thinking to offset actual thought generation.

FMO: How does a brain think?

Stephen Hawking: It’s not in the industry journals yet, but I’m spear-heading a think tank project group for targeting individual brain advancement incentives as a regenerative move while component brain inter-dependency grows exponentially toward the cerebral future horizon.

FMO: Is there a universal language?

Stephen Hawking: A secret passion of mine has always been the restructuring of vertical and horizontal relationship communicational hierarchies in anticipation of the day when potential for action includes all possibilities while striving for complete transparency.

FMO: Why do good jokes make people laugh?

Stephen Hawking: During a recent sabbatical I came up with the idea of studying the effects of disproportionate humorous reactional access restrictions when the primary win-win relationship substantiates a laughable projection response.

FMO: Is there intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?

Stephen Hawking: I haven’t divulged this to the general public yet, but I’m in the initial stages of enlisting top-down organizational life-finding strategies as a protective measure for the day when demand for increasing universal services continues onward into unknown alien worlds.

Boy Drives Entire Family Nuts Practicing Trumpet

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Practice doesn’t always make perfect.

Trumbull, Nebraska – When Daniel Boddington first decided that he wanted to become a trumpet player in the school band, his family was so happy and excited.

Daniel’s parents spared no expense and bought him a brand new Bach TR300H2 300 Series golden trumpet.

Even though the new young trumpeter diligently practiced at home starting early every morning and until quite late every night, the sounds he produced unfortunately never really started to noticeably show any signs of improvement.

One neighbor described Daniel’s trumpet playing as “a cross between a semi truck’s sad sick air-horn crying out because it just lost its mate and some very bad loud gases being expelled at a flatus festival”.

How does Daniel Boddington’s family feel about his trumpet playing now?

Well, his father has gone completely mad, his mother just completed Phase II of a total nervous meltdown, and all of Daniel’s siblings are sponsored by Xanax and currently are bottoming out on opioid addiction.

As far as the school band, everyone is invited to attend their Spring Concert in which the band director has proudly chosen Daniel Boddington to play a five-minute solo during the piece which is entitled The Call Of the Trumpeter Swan.

North Dakota Unveils Its New State Flag

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North Dakota's new slogan is: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

North Dakota’s new flag displays its new state motto: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

Bismarck, ND – After the Fighting Sioux won their eighth national hockey championship, and with the fifth straight national title for the NDSU Bison football team, North Dakota has decided to change its state flag and state motto.

In an easy-to-read, large, bold font (unlike the new license plates which suck), the new ND state flag will proudly say: North Dakota, and Nos Sunt Optima which is Latin for “We Are The Best!”

The official swearing-in ceremony for North Dakota’s new motto and flag will be in Bismarck on the 4th of July, followed by a massive display of fireworks, free mini-flags for everyone, fantastic foods for sale, fun until midnight, and just a general, old-fashioned fracking good time for all.

If you have a drone, bring it for the drone races! There will also be bocce ball and bean bag toss tournaments. All participants of these events will receive a collector T-shirt emblazoned with North Dakota’s new motto: Nos Sunt Optima.

Undercover Investigation Uncovers Underground Senior Citizen Fight Club In Fargo

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One of our hidden cameras captured this rare photo of one of Fargo’s many super-secretive senior citizen fight clubs during a pre-fight meeting.

Fargo, ND – After a lengthy two-day investigation by your FM Observer, we recently turned up disturbing news about some dangerous seasoned citizens in our area.

What we learned is that some small groups of large men calling themselves F.I.S.T. (Fargo’s Intense Situational Testers) secretively meet at various coffee shops once a month prior to randomly pairing off into fight partners.

Then they proceed to pummel upon one another until one of them waves the white flag, after which the victor treats the loser to a doughnut and a cup of coffee and they both reminisce about their ordeal.

The alleged ring leader of F.I.S.T. is a man named Warren Peace who whispers: “The fist rule of our fight club is to not remember anything about it. And the second rule is, well, I can’t remember that one right now. I’m sorry, what was your question?”

Police say that if you see any small groups of large older men in a doughnut or coffee shop, please stay away from these dangerous trained fighters and call the police if you feel at all threatened.

Horoscopes For The Week Of April 8, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An incriminating secret from your past will bubble to the surface, forcing you to admit that using Alka Seltzer tablets to weigh down that body in the river was definitely your second biggest mistake last weekend.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
Communication will be imperative to your survival this week. Specifically, the ability to communicate with wolves, vampires, and the undead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A new moon in Aries suggests that, if your Grandpa were here, he’d probably say, “Whadda they need a new moon for? Well, that’s just horseshit manufacturing. Goddamn cut-rate galaxies, they sure don’t make moons like they used to.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
The hiring of a new employee will lighten your workload considerably, especially when he helps you move all your personal possessions out of his new office.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The presence of Venus signifies that affairs of the heart will take center stage this week. Unfortunately, the affairs of your liver, pancreas and gall bladder are poised to steal the spotlight in a rather traumatic way.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
You will encounter an unexpected fork in the road next weekend, but what will be of much greater concern is that Satan is holding it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
As the sun aligns with Jupiter, your creative side heats up this week, which should make it slightly less painful when your right brain spontaneously combusts on Thursday.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
Your wandering eye will once again lead you on a wild chase this weekend, so it’s probably time to consider buying it one of those retratctable leashes and start teaching it some basic commands.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
While all Saggitarius…er, Saggitariuses, um, Saggitarisuses…Oh good grief. Alexa, what the hell do you call more than one Saggitarius?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
Good old trial and error will lead to the surprising discovery that Pinot Grigio, in your opinion, pairs best with divorce papers.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
The stars hate to burst your bubble, Aquarius, but your dream of becoming filthy rich will be dashed this week when you realize that you’re not really invested in a super cool Fonzie scheme after all.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
As Mercury comes into view, your logical side will take over on Monday. Although, the fact that you’ll have been in detox for 24 hours by then may have more to do with it. The stars can only speculate.

Past horoscopes

Area Mom Under Fire For Bizarre Home-Schooling Tactics

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Fargo, ND – Area mother Davia Flexano, a home-schooler, is catching a lot of flack for teaching her son Whick a slanted view of world geography. Flexano, who chose to remain nameless, is having her son learn the states from this flipped-around view of North America:

 

What the hell?

Wrong? Or just…different?

 

WTF, right? Is this really how we want an area youth to view our country? With Mexico on top??

Flexano sees things differently. “North is still north; south is south. If I send little Whicker outside to fetch the paper, does he HAVE to walk backwards? No he does not. And when you drive to Wahpeton you don’t drive backwards, now do you? I’m simply teaching the Whickster that not all things he’s shown are how they truly are.”

Others tend to disagree. Flexano neighbor Ænas Gulpmurk has a differing worldview. “Davia need to flip them maps back. America be lookin’ like a unicorn warthog. Poor Whick gonna be drivin’ backwards ‘n on the wrong side of the street ‘n whatnot. He gonna sleep on the ceiling. Gonna be all jacked up.”

What are your thoughts? Should home-schooled children be taught a curriculum that exactly matches that of public schools? Or should parental teachers feel free to immerse their children in topsy-turvy nonconformism?

 

Plans For New Clay County Jail Looking Quite Penal

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Inside the new jail

This is the architect’s illustration of the proposed new Clay County Jail, which is to be one of the most punitive in the country.

Moorhead, MN – With the current jail having been built in the 1890s, Clay County Commissioners were excited to finally see plans for their new jail.

Even though it will be a brand-new, state-of-the-art facility, architect Archie Cutter used some old, famous, draconian prisons from around the world as his inspiration for Clay County’s new jailhouse.

It is designed to comfortably hold 300 inmates, so once it gets up to 900, new additional “pods” can easily be added with a crane.

For the warden and correctional officers, an executive suite will provide a hot tub, steam room, sauna, and game room where they can relax and play pinochle.

As a reward for good behavior, the inmate population can earn special privileges such as access to library books and being allowed to participate in the weekly square dancing.