Obama Pens Exec Order Forcing All States To Raise Min Wage To $30/Hour By 2040

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I can do whatever I want because I have all these pens.

I can do whatever I want because I am President and I have all these pens.

Washington, DC – Not to be outdone by Governor Jerry Brown in California, President Obama just signed into law via another Executive Order, a new law which mandates that all 57 states increase their minimum wage to $30 per hour by the year 2040.

If that seems like a big increase, the President defends it by pointing out that it’s less than a dollar per year: “It comes out to only 83.3 cents per year, aaaand, I would bet that most people have 83 cents underneath their couch cushions”, says Obama.

But what about the issue of Big Government dictating yet another unfunded mandate to the private sector which in reality will cause many businesses to cut staff or even close their doors permanently?

To that, the President retorts: “Big Government is always willing to help. In this case, we can provide another bail-out program to assist struggling businesses, or with the stroke of my pens, I can sign another Executive Order which will disallow businesses to cut staff aaaand permanently close their doors.”

Delegate To Sue Party Convention Because Nobody Would Caucus With Her

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If nobody wants to caucus with me, I will bring you down.

If nobody wants to caucus with me, I’ll bring you down.

Bismarck, ND – Dorothea Toppen went to the 2016 North Dakota Democrat Convention wanting to caucus but no one would caucus with her.

So, Dorothea Toppen is planning on filing a lawsuit against the North Dakota Democrat Party for 1. non-inclusion, 2. disrespect, and 3. emotional damages.

The plaintiff also says that someone looking a lot like Donald Trump meanly grabbed her by the arm and pushed and pulled her in a direction she did not want to go.

So, Dorothea Toppen is also considering filing a secondary lawsuit against Donald Trump for 1. strong-arming, 2. disrespect, and 3. emotional damages.

Moral of the story: When you go to your political party’s convention wanting to caucus, you can sue their ass if nobody wants to caucus with you.

The FM Observer Is Shutting Down. For Good.

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tombstone

Bye. Sayonara. Bon voyage. Arrivederci. Honolulu. Outie. Chow.

Fargo, ND—With a little over four years of incredibly touching amateur satire under its belt, Fargo-Moorhead’s only fake news agency is calling it quits. The FM Observer is shutting down permanently, as of this evening.

What once was a vessel for completely made-up, imaginative, sometimes thought-provoking, Absurdly Observative™ fake news articles is becoming a thing of the past. In a statement released this morning, FMO Staff bid the internet a fond farewell:

“Over the years we’ve gleefully provided the worldwide web with our own personal dose of imaginative fairy-tale news coverage. The fact that we’re fresh out of ideas coupled with an expired internet domain registry was a sign from Above that now would be the best time to pull the plug. What a ride it’s been! We couldn’t be happier with how it all turned out. Well……actually, that’s not true.  We could’ve written better articles.”

Observer staff members will soon be released back into the wild, free again to roam the forests, screaming at squirrels and conjuring Dark Spirits.

The FM Observer would like to thank our sponsors, of which there are none.

Thanks for reading! This website will self-destruct at 23:59 CST. [end]

Excitement Builds For New ‘Fargo Diversion’ Theme Park

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The new Fargo Diversion theme park will redefine what fun is!

Fargo, ND – As support for the proposed FM Red River Diversion Project wanes due to emotional and financial fatigue, excitment is now waxing for a brand new theme park to be called: The Fargo Diversion!

City Commissioner Tom Popcorn reports: “People these days are looking for some sort of diversion from their normal lives of ruts, routines, and responsibilites.”

Popcorn goes on: “Would you rather endlessly plan for flood protection that will never happen OR spend the entire summer using your Fargo Diversion Fun-Pass to experience every fracking ride at the new Fargo Diversion theme park? I know what my family would rather do!”

While the money for a river diversion does not add up, the money for a Fargo Diversion theme park certainly DOES add up, and maybe even multiplies!

Instead of spending $2 billion to route the Red River where it does not want to go, Fargo city leaders now see the benefit of profiting $2 billion in expected revenue from “the most kick-ass fun park between Sioux Falls and Winnipeg!”

North Fargo’s Ponyland To Become Largest Refugee Resettlement Camp In America

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North Fargo's Ponyland to be the site of a 5,000 tent Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

North Fargo’s Ponyland to be the site of a 5,000-tent Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

North Fargo, ND – City Commissioners unanimously approved moving ahead with the rezoning of Ponyland into a Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

Workers have already begun transforming the old Ponyland into what will soon be home to 50,000 Syrian refugees living in 5,000 tents.

The new Ponyland tent city will also have 50 latrines, five mini-mosques, a special tent for free Obamacare, plus an outdoor petting zoo and an indoor ping pong activity center.

“There is not a lot of wiggle room when President Obama signs an executive order that basically demands we make this happen”, says Ponyland president Yemane Fikru.

“However, I’m thinking this will be a win/win type of scenario because North Fargo needs a boost, a shot-in-the-arm if you will, so let this be North Fargo’s big booster shot, to begin its revival, back to a thriving community just like South Fargo, West Fargo, and East Fargo.”

American Thunderball Federation Holding Open Tryouts In Fargo

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The following is a paid advertisement for the American Thunderball Federation™
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ANDERSON SOFTBALL COMPLEX IN FARGO WILL HOST THE MAYHEM! ATF™ REPS WILL BE ON SITE TO SEE IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO SURVIVE ON A THUNDERBALL FIELD.

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Travel With All Your FMO Friends To Magical Goosey-Goosey Island!

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Goosey-Goosey Island is waiting for you!

The magic of Goosey-Goosey Island is waiting for you!

Ocean Butte, Atlantic – Are you in minor need of a major getaway or vice versa?

Has your March Madness turned into March Sadness?

Looking for a trip to trump all trips?

It’s time once again to sign up for FMO’s Annual Migration to Goosey-Goosey Island!

Spread your wings and fly away to FMO’s #1 destination for relaxational challenges that most only dream about.

Flock like birds of a feather with others who share your twisted views of reality.

By signing up for our Goosey-Goosey Island Travel Package, it shows you are a person of insightful keenness of mind while also having a stout heart and an appetite for living.

Leave your smartphones, remote controls, church choir practices, and road rage behind.

Don’t worry about the travel details or dates because we always work around YOUR schedule, so there’s really no excuse not to go.

This is all about you, and all of your FM Observer friends. This is all about you experiencing first-hand the magic of Goosey-Goosey Island.

Sign up now and get a free travel packet which includes: an inflatable life jacket, some hot-hot-hot jalapeno beef shtix, an official emergency signaling mirror, and a 3-D Google map showing all the magical wonders of Goosey-Goosey Island!

Horoscopes For The Week Of March 27, 2016

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Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Your Horoscope by Nina Verbena

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The Ram
An exciting new relationship begins to take shape this week, and even with your diminished lung capacity you should have that doll fully blown up by Thursday at the latest.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The Bull
The rise of Saturn will give you the power to tackle an unresolved emotional issue this week. Translation: No one can force you to bite the heads off those yellow marshmallow Peeps this Easter. You’re an adult. Breathe, Taurus, breathe.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The Twins
A Pleiadian, an Arcturian and a priest walk into a bar…**session timeout** Um, it seems the stars have hit the moonshine a wee bit early today. The Universe sends its apologies.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The Crab
The arrival of Spring will foster a renewed hope for the future, which should last a few blissful days before the present stomps it out again with Godzilla force on Wednesday.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The Lion
The stars advise that if at first you don’t succeed, try try again. But then you should probably stop trying, because eating two 72 oz. Porterhouses in 30 minutes is already pushing the limits of the human intestinal system.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) The Maiden
Your love life will get an interesting jolt this week when you accidentally leave that taser under your pillow.

Libra (September 23 – October 22) The Scales
Your leadership skills will be put to the test next weekend when panic grows within the group. Fortunately, your booming voice and ability to follow arrows will get you all out of IKEA safely.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Scorpion
As Mars descends, you may begin to feel an ominous presence in your life. Oops, instead of “Mars” the stars meant to say “that rapidly deflating Goodyear blimp above your house”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The Centaur/Archer
Your lucky numbers this week are Luke 24:2-3. Wait, those are Jesus’ lucky numbers, and this is a really old horoscope.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The Sea-Goat
As Capricorn’s planetary energy surges this week, a feeling of restlessness will take hold. Well, not so much restlessness as agitation. Let’s call it intense irritation. Okay, look, it’s going to be rage. Unadulterated rage. Hold on tight.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Water-Bearer
The stars are reminding you that all good things must come to an end. As such, you will come to the unfortunate realization that naming your new kitten Mr. Goodthing was probably not one of your best ideas.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The Fish
Although it may seem like your social circle has been shrinking lately, take heart: a busload of fresh inmates is scheduled to arrive on Tuesday. So hey, chin up, buckaroo.

Past horoscopes

Top 10 Responses To FMO’s Man-On-The-Street Question: What If The Unthinkable Happens?

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FMO's Man-On-The-Street wants to know what you think!

FMO’s Man-On-The-Street wants to know what U think!

Fargo, ND – Our main man, Peter Quisling, is back out on the unswept sidewalks of the infamous Downtown Fargo, asking random people his most interesting Question-of-the-Day: What if the unthinkable happens?

After gathering hundreds of answers, Peter has compiled his Top Ten List of responses to the question:

What if…the Unthinkable happens?!

10. I would rather not think about it.

9. Excuse me, but do we know each other?

8. If Trump got elected, I’d move back to Cuba.

7. This is why I always keep extra Xanax on hand.

6. Honestly, I would probably go get an abortion.

5. Is this some sort of joke? Where’s the camera?

4. My family and I would most likely move to Vergas.

3. Isn’t this why we all have insurance coverage?!

2. I still think Hillary could be president from prison.

1. My answer is two simple words: Panic Room.

Lime Disease Traced Back To Margarita Happy Hours

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Lime Disease linked to jumbo on-the-rocks margaritas!

Rochester, MN – At the Hellmann’s Mayo Clinic, researchers have positively linked Lime Disease to the excessive drinkage of lime-flavored margaritas.

Scientific data shows that people who consume multiple jumbo lime margaritas (usually during those discount-priced happy hours) are sixty times more likely to get Lime Disease than their non-margarita-drinking counterparts who religiously attend church choir practice.

Q: Can you still get Lime Disease if you don’t drink the jumbo lime margaritas?

A: Yes, of course you can. However, the chances of that happening are about as good as John Kasich getting to 1,237 delegates before the GOP convention.

Q: Is there anything that jumbo lime margarita drinkers can do to lessen their chances of contracting the dreaded Lime Disease?

A: No, not really, except perhaps to maybe join a church and volunteer to religiously sing in the church choir. Another tip would be to avoid attending any outdoor concerts where disease-carrying ticks might be waiting to bite into you just like someone who is hungry enough to eat a horse would bite into McDonald’s new McPony Sandwich.