Tag Archives: arrested

Fargo Man Arrested For Leaving Dog Outside Too Long

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Shih Tzu puppy named Pixy is the latest casualty in the War On Global Cooling.

Fargo, ND – The good news is: that Mr. Dorf Gonez got a cute little new Shih Tzu puppy for his family as a Christmas present.

The bad news is: that Mr. Dorf Gonez forgot that their new little Pixy was tied up outside while Dorf got lost playing his new video games.

When his wife finally asked “Hay, where the hell is Pixy?”, Mr. Dorf Gonez went outside to find their new Shih Tzu puppy all frozen up like an ice cube tray in a freezer set to the coldest possible setting.

The Fargo Criminal Canine Task Force showed up shortly after that to arrest Mr. Dorf Gonez for gross aggravated negligence.

Sadly, all the letters in Dorf Gonez can be coldly re-arranged to spell: Frozen Dog!

Man Claims He Simply Forgot To Get Dressed After Walking Into His Workplace Naked

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Naked man forced to wear orange jumpsuit during preliminary court hearing.

Fargo, ND – Terando Kwak got quickly arrested after walking into his place of employment totally stark naked on Monday.

Terando tried explaining to police officers that he simply forgot to get dressed that morning as he had “a lot on his mind”.

Interestingly, Mr. Kwak has a long history of attending area events naked.

He once walked into a NDSU Bison football game at the Fargodome with nothing on except for his birthday suit.

His pastor reports that Terando often sits in church on Sunday mornings only holding a coffee cup.

Police officially booked the kwakster on one count of indecent exposure and have scheduled him for a full mental evaluation at which he must wear at least some overalls.

Ironically, all of the letters in Terando Kwak can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Naked At Work!

Fargo Downtowner Arrested For Repeated Dawdlings

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Man arrested in Fargo for dawdling. So, when in doubt, do not dawdle.

Fargo, ND – Nyork Slocco, who calls the general downtown Fargo area his home, was arrested by police for “dawdling“.

“No man! You got it all wrong. I was in no way dawdling! Dallying a bit maybe, yes, but deafinitely not dawdling,” says an adamant Slocco.

The arresting police officer added that there might have also been some “puttering” going on too.

Officer J.J. Haskins: “I first tried to suggest that this person just ‘mosey along‘. Dude, please, just meander off in one continuous direction for about a block. Even a slight ‘sashay‘ would have been good enough.”

But what the police officer got instead was an “ambling about” that closely resembled the earlier dawdling, or what the wine-drinking French sometimes loosely refer to as “coqueting“.

After Mr. Slocco was put into jail, correctional staff officers reported Nyork to be “skulking” in his cell.

While sauntering down to the refectory, Nyork Slocco saw a sign on the wall that read: “Learn to be civil. Stop with the frivol.”

Unofficial moral of the story: No matter your lot in life, a healthy vocabulary of synonyms can help you get a lot more out of your life and also into a lot more trouble.

Official moral of the story: Don’t Dawdle In Downtown Fargo.

Elderly Fargo Man Arrested For Driving 29 MPH On I-29

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Travelling 29 mph down the interstate highway, with no worries, not a care in the... What are those flashing red lights?!

Travelling 29 mph down the interstate highway, with no worries, not a care in the… What are those flashing red lights?!

Fargo, ND – State Highway Patrol pulled over an elderly Fargo driver who was travelling at a very low rate of speed on Interstate-29.

Mr. Cornwall Wilbertson had for some reason decided to take the interstate when driving from North Fargo to West Acres to do some early Christmas shopping.

A number of drivers who passed him on the highway noted that if Cornwall was going any slower, he’d be completely stopped in the middle of his south-bound lane.

Mr. Wilbertson was arrested and booked for being a public nuisance and driving almost half of the minimum speed on a major interstate highway.

When asked what he was thinking, Mr. Wilbertson said: “Well, I was thinking about old time Christmases, with the eggnog and the mistletoe, and then we watched The Wizard of Oz on our brand new color television. I remembered how we always played pinochle after our Christmas meal and before opening presents. Member how Uncle Charlie always brought us nuts and oranges from his greenhouse? Member grandma always trying to play piano so we could sing Deck The Halls? Member when we made that snow fort after that big blizzard? Member when Dad drank too much? Member when Steven left a candle burning and burned the house down?“

West Fargo Police

Man Arrested For Saying “Dude” and “Man” Excessively.

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West Fargo PoliceWest Fargo, ND – Bill Hennesy, 32, was arrested Saturday evening for excessive use of the word “dude” and “man”.

Police are reporting that patrons at Bar Nine in West Fargo heard Mr. Hennesy say dude and man in nearly every sentence. One bar patron counted the two words being used a total of 40 times in 3 minutes. After nearly two hours of countless dudes and mans, a couple sitting next to them had enough and called police.

Mr. Hennesy was arrested and released on $1000 bond for excessive use of the word dude and man.

Upon release he stated, “Oh my god dude! Man! What the hell? This is totally bogus dude. Oh my god man I’m totally going to fight this charge dude.”

Fargo Man Arrested For Flash-Frying Entire Cow

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illegal?

Illegal.

Fargo, ND—Authorities were dispatched to a north Fargo neighborhood yesterday afternoon as one witness called to report what sounded like “A raging cauldron full of boiling guts” rumbling in his neighbor’s back yard.

Police arrived to find Todd Fox, a resident infamous for melting snow with a flamethrower, presiding over a 10,000-gallon propane-powered boiling vat of grease which contained a full, beer-battered Holstein cow.

“I seen it on TV, thought it’d be a good idea,” said Fox, who appeared to be referring to an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode in which character Master Shake flash-fries a fully intact, battered cow in his residential neighborhood driveway. Fox was armed to the teeth with enough empty bottles of vegetable oil to kill a sperm whale, 10 propane-powered Nipco space heaters, a hydraulic hoist and a 10,000-gallon stainless steel tank he said he bought “real cheap at my uncle Burp’s flea market.”

Police would have none of it as they arrested Fox on charges of reckless endangerment and possession of livestock without a permit. When asked how he obtained the deceased animal, Fox declared “I know me a butcher.”

West Fargo Police Pumpkin Humper Arrested

Man Caught Having ‘Sexy Time’ With Area Pumpkins

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West Fargo, ND – Pumpkins missing from your front door step?  West Fargo Police finally have an answer for you.

Early this morning, a West Fargo man was arrested for having sexy time with pumpkins all over the West Fargo area.  One neighbor was walking to shut the front light off when he spotted a man in dark clothing erratically humping away at his defenseless smurf carved pumpkin.  Once spotted, the man ran away taking the pumpkin with him.

Another incident 2 hours later, Ted was walking out to his car to lock it when he caught the pumpkin humper with his pants down and a small pumpkin hanging from his genitals.  Again, the man ran away, pumpkin and all.

The last witnessed incident was the pumpkin humpers embarrassing downfall which did him in.  Becky was watching a movie late last night when she heard some rustling on her front door step.  She went down to investigate and opened her front door.  There lay the pumpkin humper sprawled out on her front door step, completely passed out, pants down, pumpkin seeds everwhere.  Scattered around him were five of Becky’s pumpkins, broken and bruised.  Who knows the torture they had to endure.

Police say the pumpkin humper is in their custody and it is once again safe for everyone to put their pumpkins out on their front door step, just in time for Halloween.

Man Arrested In Moorhead Assault Says His Affliction Shirt Is To Blame

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Moorhead, MN – Earlier this month, a man was arrested for assault and sexual assault for attacking a woman in downtown Moorhead.

Douchebag

Richard Haaland, age 46, was arrested at his home after a video near the crime scene identified Haaland as the suspect of the alleged assault which happened on the morning of September 6th near Main Avenue and 5th Street.

Richard Haaland is claiming that it was not he himself that committed the crime but was his Affliction shirt he was wearing at the time that sexually assaulted the women.

Haaland might actually have a case.  Affliction shirts have been known to be worn by men who are afflicted with a disease called douche-baggary.

Haaland has been admitted to the hospital where he is under going various tests to see if his disease is actually to blame for the crime.  It is being advised that all men refrain from wearing affliction t-shirts to reduce your risk of contacting the douche-baggary disease.

fergus_falls_lawn_mowing

Jesus Arrested For Disorderly Conduct. Caught Mowing Lawn In Loin Cloth.

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Fergus Falls, MN – Jesus who currently is parading around as a 43 year-old named Matthew Swanson, was arrested for disorderly conductfergus_falls_loin_cloth_Matthew_Swanson Wednesday afternoon while mowing the lawn in a loin cloth.  It is believed that the Jesus part of Jesus got the better of him and he slipped out of disguise for a brief moment which led to the loin cloth mowing incident.

Neighbors reported seeing a man resembling Jesus, mowing his lawn with his balls swinging about in the wind.  Once police arrived, Jesus just casually continued to mow the lawn with balls in full swinging motion yelling obscenities towards the police.  Jesus apparently dislikes the police as much as us humans.  He just wouldn’t stop which led to the arrest.

Arrested Drunk Guy Sings Bohemian Rhapsody

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Bravo!  Not only does he NAIL the song but he does it in such a performance that could win a Grammy.  I’d like to have a few beers with this guy someday.  To top it off he ends it with, “Physical violence is the least of my priorities.”  We agree with you drunk dude!  High Five!

 

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