Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets

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Donatella Versace shares her beauty secrets.

The one and only Donatella Versace

Hollywood, CA – The FM Observer’s Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, caught up with the most beautiful Donatella Versace for a fun and informative interview. Enjoy!

Tojo Saxton: Thanks for getting together! How have you been?

Donatella Versace: Oh, me be so busy…sooo busy!

TS: Oh? What have you been so busy doing, Donatella? Wanna tell us?

DV: Yes! Me be working on new line of beauty products that make people look reeeal nice, you know?

TS: Well, honey, you should know! Many consider you to be one of the most beautiful women on Earth. In fact, some think you’re so hot that you’re the cause of Global Warming!

DV: Oh, no. But you sooo nice. Thank you. (chuckle chuckle)

TS: Do you have any beauty tips that you would care to share with all ten of the people who will read this wonderful interview?

DV: Well, plenty of sleep is very important, especially if you tired. Me eat lots of Outshine Fruit Bars and only drink Angry Orchard Crisp Apple Ciders.

TS: All of a sudden, I feel like we’re in the movie The Truman Show.

DV: Oh, no, me don’t know about that.

TS: So, Donatella Versace, my readers will never forgive me if I don’t ask you this one question: Have you ever had any work done by any plastic surgeons?

DV: No. Nothing ever done by any plastic sturgeons, but me has gone to see my beauty doctors.

TS: And would you say that your “beauty doctors” have helped you become as beautiful as you are today?

DV: Oh, yes! Me used to not be so beautiful and they tell Donatella they can make me look sooo much more beautiful.

TS: Well, it certainly has paid off for you. And hopefully this interview with the one and only Donatella Versace will pay off for me. Thank you sooo much for sitting down face-to-face to answer a few questions.

DV: Oh, this is not a problem. Donatella love sharing her beauty tips for your website. What is your website again?

TS: I write for the FM Observer.

DV: Oh, no, Donatella never heard of that one.

Read Tojo Saxton’s hard-hitting interview with Tom Cruise about Scientology being a hoax!

Chef With Assburger Syndrome Selling Assburgers To Help Raise Awareness About Assburger’s Syndrome

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Let me cook for you so you can learn about my problems.

Let me cook for you so you can learn about my problems.

East Fargo, MN (aka Moorhead) – In a quirky town that is known for its social awkwardness, it’s fitting that this is the backdrop for a story to warm your heart and satisfy your appetite for all things good.

Executive Chef Ethan Ellis, who’s had Assburger’s Syndrome his entire life, is trying to help raise awareness about this misunderstood autistic disorder.

Chef Ellis, who heads the staff at the formerly defunct TreeTop Restaurant and Lounge, said the idea came to him while he was recently obsessing on a South Park episode about the Assburger Syndrome. “Why not sell Assburgers to help educate people about the Assburger Syndrome?”, he thought to himself. So, that is exactly what he decided to do.

“Now, by using an iPad touch-screen menu and without ever having to talk to anyone, customers can order their Assburgers with or without cheese and whatever extras they want. At the same time, they can also learn various facts about Assburger’s Syndrome” he explained.

The impressive compilation of trivia factoids that Chef Ellis has gathered range from: It was Austrian physician Dr. Hans Assburger back in 1944 who first studied children with the characteristic symptoms of Assburger’s Syndrome, to: Pointing out that the popular internet gathering spot for people such as Chef Ellis who have Assburger’s Syndrome is WrongPlanet.Net.

So, the next time you’re looking for a nice quiet place to have a bite and learn a bit, consider having an Assburger, just the way you want it, high atop the formerly defunct TreeTop Restaurant and Lounge in vibrant downtown East Fargo.

FM Observer Announces Summer Camp 4 New Observers

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You will love spending time with Mother Nature and her mosquitos will love you.

The FM Observer is excited 2 announce FMO Summer Camp. If you like 2 have a good time and are considering satirical writing as your chosen profession, then this camp is totally 4 you. This year’s exciting theme is: Imagine The Possibilities!

Each camp outing is a full 1-day experience which is cleverly sandwiched between 2 nights of sleeping in a tent. Here is the likely schedule 4 your full day of training…

DAY BREAKER (at Sun Rise)
Meet & Greet/Coffee & Name Tags: This is a chance 2 suck down some hot java, shake off the cobwebs, make some good first impressions, and try 2 find your phone. Each camper makes their own nametag by using a wood burner on a thin slice of authentic birchwood, which is then held around your neck with a real leather cord!

EARLY MORNING SESSIONS (All sessions are taught by various FMO Staff Members, sometimes decided by a last-minute coin flip, or by process of elimination.)
1. How 2 Observe: The basix 4 success in this biz.
2. Beginning Satire Training: What is and is not Satire?
3. Advanced Satirical Engineering: Some real exciting stuff!

LATE MORNING SESSIONS
4. How 2 Show Confidence: Attitude is everything.
5. Knowing Your Audience: Relationship building 4 life.
6. Expect The Unexpected: Always be prepared 4 anything.

LUNCH BREAK-OUT SESSION
7. Dealing With Twitter Trolls: Criticizing your critics.

EARLY AFTERNOON SESSIONS
8. Know The Difference Between Your/You’re
9. Know The Difference Between There/Their/They’re

LATE AFTERNOON SESSIONS
10. How 2 Be A Gladiator: Become a real fighter.
11. Focusing On Viral Content: Always think big.

EVENING GETOGETHER
12. AfterGlow: Caring & Sharing/Issues & Tissues
After an in-tents day of training, campers are encouraged 2 share their feelings about what they have been exposed 2 and how they are internally processing it all. Also, if you have ever been convicted of a felony, this would be a good time 2 discuss it.

LATE NIGHT BREAK-OUT SESSIONS
13. Understanding FMO By-Laws & Their Nuances: Some important stuff 2 know.
14. How 2 Know When A Bonfire Is Out-of-Control: This is a great reality check.

Disclaimer: By attending FMO Summer Camp, this in no way guarantees that you will become an official FM Observer. Only the best & brightest are then possibly selected 2 undergo an intense battery of tests 2 determine if they can go on 2 the next level of selectability. No bullying by campers will be tolerated unless it is during a bullying role-play exercise that is held as a part of a legitimate supervised training session. Also, each camper will need 2 bring with them their own food, beverages, tent, and camping supplies. They will also need 2 bring $500 cash in a sealed envelope 2 pay 4 the training sessions. No guns of any kind will be allowed on the premises. However, if FMO Summer Camp is attacked by bears, coyotes, or wolves, anyone with some other type of weapon that proves 2 be effective against the wild predators will score some major points with the FMO Staff.

New Aquatic Nuisance Species A Nightmare From Hell

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Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the zebra mussel.

Say hello to the bigger badder cousin of the dreaded zebra mussel. Say hello to MegaCrab.

Detroit Lakes, MN – The Minnesota DNR has begrudgingly confirmed the addition of a new aquatic nuisance species (ANS) to their growing list.

While the inexorable invasion of zebra mussels continues to threaten local lakes and lake property values, this newest aquatic nuisance species could even threaten the lives of innocent human beings.

Say hello to the MegaCrab. These bad boys reproduce almost as prolifically as zebra mussels but have multiple ways to cause pain and/or death.

Besides being able to kill humans with either their antennae, front pinchers, crab-hands, or tails, their entire outer hard shells are lined with poisonous razor-sharp barbs.

“If you accidentally step on one of these hella-demons, all your neighbors at the lake will hear and feel your pain” warns ANS biologist Dean Dooley. “Once your lake is discovered to have MegaCrabs, have fun trying to sell your lake property with one of them sitting on your dock, while eating a duck.”

It is believed that the MegaCrabs, which can grow to the size of a large cocker spaniel, are the result of transmutations coming out of the radioactive fall-out from the 1986 Chernobyl disaster.

These giant creatures have slowly been spreading throughout the world by attaching themselves to ocean-going petroleum tankers because they, for some reason, love the taste of sweet crude oil.

This is why biologist Dean Dooley also has to remind folks to not eat the MegaCrabs. “It would taste like eating a radioactive lobster that’s been marinating in crude oil for ten years.”

First Visionary Church Offers Portal To God

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Pastor Leary says that people today are looking for a new kind of church experience.

Fargo, ND – An alternative church is being started in the Fargo-Moorhead area. Members of the new First Visionary Church will strongly be encouraged to use psychedelic drugs to get closer to God. Pastor Tim Leary believes this is what many people are seeking today.

Pastor Leary says the whole concept is based on a wealth of knowledge gleaned from native American Indian religious practices. “By opening a direct mind-portal to God, you can then generate authentic visions from your own personal God experiences”, preaches Pastor Leary.

“Through carefully controlled usage of psychoactive substances such as mescaline, peyote, and psilocybin mushrooms, our church members can find what they’re looking for and then come back to share their personal revelations in the fellowship hall with some hot coffee and cookies”, he explains.

Interestingly, the freedom of religion clause in the U.S. constitution allows church congregations to use drugs that would normally be against federal law, as long as it is done “as part of an actual worship service or other legitimate church activity”.

If you would like more information about First Visionary Church or are interested in becoming a charter member, please call 1-800-MUSHROOM and ask for Pastor Tim Leary, who says: “If you like listening to Pink Floyd, you will love this church!”

Replace Your Insomnia With 15 Possible Side Effects

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CAPTION HERE

I only sleep with people I love, which is why I have insomnia.

Sleepy Eye, MN – Are you one of the millions of frustrated people who have trouble sleeping at night? Maybe you should consider doing what many other desperate insomniacs do. Perhaps you need to get hooked on Ambien.

Most agree that the best cure for insomnia is sleep. And the best way fall asleep is to pop an Ambien. Ambien lurks under many nicknames, such as: Intermesso, Zolpidemic, Insania, Hypnotica, and Silent Night. If you want your Ambien to work quickly, avoid the “CR” version, which is Controlled Release. The non-CR tablets will hit you like a brick, hopefully knock you out within 15 minutes, and will last for about 2-3 hours, if you’re lucky.

Unfortunately, the possible side effects from taking Ambien include: headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, hallucinations, delusions, increased appetite, increased libido, amnesia, altered thought patterns, loss of balance, poor motor coordination, impaired judgment, uninhibited extroversion, and increased impulsivity.

However, can you imagine trying to fall asleep while you’re dizzy, nauseated, and vomiting, and while experiencing a raging headache, bizarre hallucinations, grand delusions, ravaging hunger, and an off-the-chart libido? Plus, if and when you ever dare stop taking Ambien, your insomnia will rebound with a vengance, way worse than it was before.

Zolpidom_10mg__generic_ambien_2

All this might help explain why Ivan Lopez recently went postal during the latest shooting at Fort Hood. He chose to choose Ambien for his problems, just like you can.

When trying to reach Army officials at Fort Hood for comment, they were all zonked out on Ambien. When trying to reach the French pharmaceutical company Sanofi-Aventis for comment (which sells Ambien in the United States), we didn’t understand a fricking word they said because they rudely insisted upon speaking French.

GM Now Recalling Every Car Ever Made

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Every GM vehicle made since 1936 is being recalled because they were made by GM.

Every GM vehicle including this 1936 model is being recalled because they were made by GM.

Detroit, MI – What started out as a massive GM recall of only certain makes and models has now mushroomed into the largest recall that we can ever recall in human history.

GM Haiku:
Own a GM car?
If so, it’s being recalled.
We found a problem.

GM has now issued an unprecedented total recall for every car they have ever made, no matter the make, model, or year. The reason: Because they were all made by GM.

Because of so many different problems and reasons, Government Motors finally just decided to officially recall every car it has ever made, including the 1936 Suburban pictured in this article.

This stunning news comes as GM Chief Executive Mary Barra prepared to testify before Congress during the first week of April.

Possible faulty ignition switches sparked the first, original recall. But then after it was determined that its dealers used potentially defective switches to fix recalled vehicles, many more problems were discovered. The faulty switches that were linked to many deaths not only shut off the car but also cause the power steering to go out and cause an electrical outage thus rendering the airbags useless.

GM has now expanded the recall to include every motorized car and truck that has ever come off of a GM production line, no matter the shape, size, or year it was born.

CEO Mary Barra: “Out of an abundance of caution, we are recalling every damn vehicle we’ve ever made. Our customers deserve some peace of mind knowing that GM cars and trucks are not death machines.”

As the granddaughter of the famous Yogi Barra, she also added: “This recall won’t be over until the fat lady sings. The future ain’t what it used to be, until every GM car is safe. If you come to a fork in the road, don’t take it until your car has been fixed.”

These Are The Wasps That Killed The FM Observer

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Bee on the lookout for these dangerous wasps, because they're the ones that killed us.

Bee on the lookout for these dangerous wasps, because they’re the ones that killed us.

West Fargo, ND – As you know, your beloved FM Observer was allegedly attacked by a gang of wasps. Not only did they attack us, but they stung us many, many times, and then they killed us.

We did not want this to happen. Nor did we provoke the wasps in any way, except maybe to smash their stupid hive with a wooden baseball bat.

Bee that as it may, we did not deserve to die, and especially just when things were starting to really take off. But please do continue to check in with the FM Observer, your favorite source of the best fake news in the region.

After all, the phoenix did rise from the ashes to become the mascot for the Phoenix Suns basketball team, didn’t she? Tiger Woods did return to golf after he totally disgraced both himself and the entire sport of golf.

And after a rocky beginning, Obamacare did successfully cause millions of people to lose the insurance plans and doctors they loved, and then, under threat of penalty, force them to purchase nationalized health insurance.

So, after the stroke of midnight tonight, hope for the best (for us), but plan to expect some government robo-writers to have taken our place in the morning.

New Luxury Apartment Complex Resembles Stairs

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New modern apartment complex built to resemble a flight of stairs.

Modern new apartment complex in Dubai built to resemble an actual flight of stairs.

Dubai, United Arab Emirates – In the city where architectural rules are regularly being broken and rewritten, Dubai has now introduced yet another new trick.

Luxury apartments known as the “Stairway To Heaven” are now being built in a tiered-fashion to look just like a flight of stairs.

The architect who first came up with the idea is Shimo Zukushichi, the head of Zukushichi Architectural Productions (ZAP).

Shimo says the idea zapped him while he was walking up a flight of stairs in a New York hospital during one of his many recent detox sessions.

During a special moment, Shimo asked himself: “What if we built luxury living spaces like steps, where one person’s large patio deckage was another person’s roof?”

Inside view of the "Stairway To Heaven".

Inside view of the “Stairway To Heaven”.

President of Interiors By Dame, Dame Chambers, says: “The interiors are absolutely exquisite–very Trumpesque. Plus, each patio area can double as a helipad for easy walk-in access to your ‘Step’. Shimo and his people at ZAP should be very proud of themselves.”

Shimo says the price-point for the “Stairway To Heaven” Steps will be in the $20-$25 million range. After the “Stairway To Heaven” project has been completed, Zukushichi Architectural Productions is planning future projects that looks like a coffee table, a chair, and a pizza.

Moorhead Haunted House Worth Avoiding

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Experts say that on a scale of H1-H5, this haunted house is an H5!

Moorhead, MN – If you don’t believe in haunted houses, this place might change your mind. Whatever problems the City of Moorhead has, they can add this one to their list.

This haunted house sits at the end of a street in north Moorhead near the edge of town. We were told to not print the address for obvious public safety reasons. Because it is so severely haunted, no realtor can sell the place and the city can’t tear it down because it doggedly defends itself.

The story goes that an older lady lived there with her dog. Neighbors say that she was known to give away chocolate-covered doggy treats to children for Helloween. During one long cold winter, both she and her dog froze while sitting in her rocking chair, after the city disconnected her power.

Depending on its mood, the house sometimes changes color. Doors will automagically open if it decides to let someone in. Once inside, you might not be able to leave when you want. Cell phones don’t work inside the place except to show a freaky picture of an old dead lady along with a scrolling message that says: “Can’t call 9-1-1? Try calling 6-6-6!”

Realtor Sylvia Lamar: “Just imagine trying to show a home to a young prospective couple. You drive up on a sunny day and it’s raining on the home. A murder of crows lands on the roof as you walk up to it. While inside, the old rocking chair starts to slowly rock back and forth. The toaster pops up and the smoke detector goes off. The cupboards start violently opening and closing. When your clients nervously ask if the house is haunted, what are you supposed to say?!” She went on to admit that “it was literally like being trapped inside a nightmare, especially when the floors started to move, and weird barking sounds echoed up from the dank basement.”

Police surveillance cameras show that during every full moon, the front door opens to allow stray dogs to enter. Apparently they each come away with one chocolate-covered doggy treat.

UPDATE: Billy Bob buys haunted house!

Billy Bob: New owner of a very haunted house in the East Fargo area.

Billy Bob: New owner of a very haunted house in the East Fargo area.