Tag Archives: safety

FM Observer’s First Annual Panicfest Cancelled Due To Lack Of Toilet Paper

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You can’t spell “pandemic” with “panic”!

Fargo, ND – What was to be a celebratory reminder to everyone to not panic during a Global Pandemic has been cancelled due to lack of toilet paper.

Panicfest organizers made the tough decision to cancel the first annual event after realizing that the number of available rolls of toilet paper for sale in the region is now down to zero.

Had the event not been cancelled, Panicfest attendees were going to be asked to group themselves into clusters of nine in order to not break the Gathering Of 10+ rule.

Here are the six things to do in order to maximize your chances of survival during a Global Pandemic:

1. Don’t panic!

2. If you do panic, certainly don’t freak out.

3. Stockpile toilet paper next to your Bible and guns.

4. Organize your liquor cabinet alphabetically.

5. Put everything you touch into its own separate zip-lock bag.

6. If someone comes near you, call 9-1-1.

Man Chased By Prairie Dog In Western North Dakota

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Keep a very safe distance from all prairie dogs, especially when they’re rutting.

Medora, ND – A tourist who wishes to remain totally anonymous was chased for a mile by an angry prairie dog, who “scared the heck out of me,” after the man apparently got too close to the prairie dog during their mating season.

The FM Observer has identified the victim as Mr. Opie Girard who lives at 1020 Poison Oaks Drive in Furndale, North Dakota, along with his wife Lunetta and their feline, Sparkles.

A spokesperson for the Prairie Dog Nation warns that mating prairie dogs should be left alone to do their business: “Just to be safe, curious tourists should not get within 25 miles of a rutting male prairie dog.”

Statistics show that after the buffalo, prairie dogs are one of the most territorial animals relative to their size, and the size of their teeth.

If you’re being chased by a mad prairie dog, run quickly in long straight lines, and preferably drop some snacky foods behind you as you attempt to scramble away.

Expectedly, all of the letters in Opie Girard can be chased around to spell: Prairie Dog!

FMO Asking: How Safe Do You Feel In North Fargo?

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FM Observer’s Man-On-The-Street wants to know what you think!

Fargo, ND – After Fargo’s mayor firmly declared the city to be safe despite some recent fatalities just North of the downtown area, our FM Observer’s man-on-the-street went out to ask some locals living in that area of town the following simple question:

Question: How safe do you feel in your North Fargo neighborhood?

Here are some of the answers we got:

I feel as safe as caged pigeons in the basement of a Chinese restaurant.

I feel as safe as a young baseball fan sitting in the foul ball section of a Cubs game.

I feel as safe as a French cathedral while restoration workers have a smoke break.

I feel as safe as American tourists vacationing in the Dominican Republic.

I feel as safe as an afternoon clerk at a Howard Johnson’s Inn.

I feel as safe as private insurance companies during a Bernie Sander’s rally.

I feel as safe as a typo in a document about to be spell-checked.

I feel as safe as a bottle rocket in a match factory.

I feel as safe as an African lion within sight of a Minneapolis dentist.

I feel as safe as a case of ice-cold beer at We Fest.

I feel as safe as the owner of a Texas BBQ food truck.

Kids Warned Against Playing Outside During Nice Summer Months

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Don’t let your kids play outside because it’s probably the worst thing they can do.

Fair Play, TX – The American Safety Society is warning parents to warn their children to not play outside this summer.

“Inside the house is where you should play, for sure at night and also during the day,” raps Dr. Daisy Eplin, who currently presides over the American Safety Society.

Dr. Eplin goes on: “Research shows that going outside to play, on a beautiful summery day, is tantamount to eating sugary snacks, while sitting on railroad tracks.”

According to American Safety Society documentation, the many benefits of keeping your kids indoors include: higher IQ, increased tech savviness, fewer broken bones, less chance of bug bites and getting kidnapped, less bullying, improved self esteem, and better social networking skills.

Ironically, all the letters in Daisy Eplin can safely be re-arranged to spell: Play Inside!

Young Pigs Express Concern Upon Learning Where Bacon Comes From

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Makin' Bacon

Makin’ Bacon?

Swineford, Pennsylvania – The Pork Industry Group (PIG) says that pigs all across this great nation are planning protest marches to raise awareness for violence against pigs.

After seeing a government video depicting where bacon comes from, a number of young pigs began to raise some concerns about their future safety as pigs.

The video was the wonderful brainchild of Michelle Obama who believes that any animals raised for meat should have the right to see a video that clearly shows exactly from where that meat comes.

Peter Porker is the spokespig for the PIG group. He believes that “there is a national anti-pig attitude toward pigs that is putting pigs in an unsafe environment to be who they are and express their true inner pigness.”

Watch for updates on this tantalizing story as pigs all across the nation are organizing pig parades so people can pledge their support for the plight of the piggy porkers.

One tangible thing that you can do to show you care more than others about this issue is to wear a ribbon made out of a piece of bacon anytime you go to a grocery store. Peter says: “Thank You and Help Save Us Pigs!”