Tag Archives: scientology

Expert Now Believes Universe Began And Will Also End With A Big Bang

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If you like big fireworks, you will love being around for the final Big Bang! –Dr. Gabbin Fingal

Bangor, Maine – Dr. Gabbin Fingal now has good reason to believe that the universe will end just like it began.

Dr. Fingal’s highly scientific model of the universe has repeatedly shown that the original Big Bang of creation can and will very likely be eventually followed by a final Big Bang of total disintegration.

Dr. Gabbin Fingal in his own words:

“This is what i believe, and what I believe is this, Sir Isaac Newton’s third law which states that ‘every action has an equal and opposite reaction’ assuredly also applies to the universe’s creational Big Bang.”

“When will this happen? It depends on how you set your Universal Clock.“

Scientifically, all the letters in Gabbin Fingal can be exploded into: Final Big Bang!

Fargo Civic Center Purchased By Tom Cruise/Scientology

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The Fargo Civic Center will soon become The Fargo Scientology Center

Fargo, ND – While Fargo city leaders were wondering what to do with the aging Fargo Civic Center, Scientology’s Tom Cruise made them an offer too good to pass up.

The Fargo Civic Center will be transitioned into The Fargo Scientology Center and become the living, breathing regional headquarters for hundreds of Scientology cult members to recruit more Scientologists to help recruit more Scientologists.

Tom Cruise believes this is truly a win/win scenario:

Fargo leaders are happy to finally get rid of the old Fargo Civic Center for a healthy price of two hundred million dollars.

The ghost of L. Ron Hubbard is happy because now his cult members can rid Planet Earth of all negativity and psychiatry, especially in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Haunted Scientology Farm Scaring The Living Crap Out Of Visitors

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Imagine hundreds of dead John Travoltas and Tom Cruises all trying to get you to join Scientology!

Just imagine hundreds of dead John Travoltas and Tom Cruises all trying to get you to join Scientology!

Wolverton, MN – Just outside the quaint village of Wolverton, Minnesota lurks a haunted farm so scary that each visitor must first pass an extensive physical examination before getting the OK to attend.

The American Haunted Farm Association League (AHFAL) has rated the Haunted Scientology Farm a Level SS-16 on the 1-20 Scary Scale.

Dr. Buzz Bizby, the AHFAL President: “No other haunted farms in the Fargo Moorhead area are even into double digits on the Scary Scale. The Haunted Scientology Farm is just about as scary as attending the Clinton Presidential Library And Massage Parlor.”

It has been said that words cannot adequately describe the pure horror experienced at the Haunted Scientology Farm. Some evil electronic Tom Cruise laughter is constantly piped in over the state-of-the-art sound system while seemingly hundreds of Operating Thetans looking zactly like John Travolta and Tom Cruise are constantly stalking you just like Night Of The Living Dead zombies.

One brave attendee named Zonich Lobler from Vergas reported that “both Tom Cruise and John Travolta eventually cornered him and began doing an excruciating auditing session while he was forceably hooked up to an E-meter, afterwhich Xenu himself personally stepped out onto the main Space Opera stage and began making the worst sounds ever imaginable.”

If you and your family are in good physical condition (and can prove it), consider taking a trip to the Haunted Scientology Farm just outside Wolverton, where you will see and feel what Real Scary is all about!

Montana Pipe Dream A Religious Experience

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Old Man Hubbard

Helena, Montana – On this day in history, a veterinarian named James W. Hubbard (just call me “Jim”) would meet the love of his life, one young Philena “Jane” Potter.

Jim and Jane would then, soon after, adopt a young boy named Henry August Wilson, who would later change his legal name to Harry Ross Hubbard.

Harry, while working for the military in Nebraska, one day met a lovely teacher named Miss Ledora May Waterbury.

Together they had a boy whom they named Lafayette Ronald Hubbard. As a youngster, Lafayette loved spending time reading cheap fiction and visiting his grandfather back in big sky Montana.

While looking up at all the stars on Saturday nights, Grandpa Jim would make up crazy stories for young Lafayette about aliens from other planets while sitting around a campfire, smoking a peace pipe with their blood-brother Blackfeet Native American friends.

The next morning, the Hubbard family would all attend church together while young Lafayette was still stoned from smoking the Blackfoot peace pipe. Every time the pastor, who had a bad lisp, would thay the word “Satan“, young stoned Lafayette thought he was thaying the word “Thetan“.

When he grew up into a man, Lafayette Ronald Hubbard would go on to write a book about all of his grandfather’s kooky stories, and turn it into the largest, successful, fake-religious cult in the history of mankind, and call it Scientology. And now you know, the rest of the story!

Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

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Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

Kook or Visionary?

Hollywood, CA – World famous movie star and maverick is adamant that Scientology is not a hoax. Our affiliate Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, has some interesting new information about all this.

FMO: Tojo, what’s going on out there?!

TJ: Well, as one of Scientology’s top gun leaders, Tom Cruise feels so strongly about this whole matter that he will soon be launching a bus tour called the “Not A Hoax” Cruise Bus. It’s slated to hit all 57 states, and bring convincing evidence to the people that Scientology is definitely not a hoax.

FMO: What sparked this whole bus tour concept?

TJ: Tom Cruise is very passionate when it comes to this subject. He believes that people who choose to speak out against Scientology “don’t know didley squat”. He does admit that the infamous South Park episode really hurt his church, especially the part that explained “This is what Scientologists actually believe”.

FMO: Do you have any details about the cruise bus?

TJ: Yes. Apparently the bus will be fully equipped to help Tom in his quest to demonstrate that Scientology is for real. Tom and his staff will be able to analyze prospective new members and get them signed up. At that point, Tom usually recites his famous phrase, “Show me the money!”, as Scientology is far from free. Mr. Cruise believes that by proving his system of religious beliefs is not a hoax, many folks will want to begin their own personal Scientological journey, if you will.

FMO: Thanks, Tojo!

Tojo Saxton has a Masters degree in Celebrity Studies from UCS (University of Celebrity Studies in California) and has been a latent affiliate reporter for FMO since OJ was locked up.