President Changes Names Of Rocky Mountains, Alabama, And Hawaii

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THE BAROCKY MOUNTAINS

Denver, CO – After flying to Alaska to change the name of Mount McKinley to Denali (meaning “to get high”), President Obama flew to Denver to officially rename the Rocky Mountains.

By executive order, the new name shall be “The Barocky Mountains”.

The next stop during a busy travel day for the President was to Alabama, which he quickly changed to Alobama.

Finally, to cap off another day full of executive orderings, Hawaii, the home state of President Obama, will forever after be referred to as “The Birther Islands”.

Answer To Fargo’s Beaver Problem: Catapult Them Into Minnesota!

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Beavers Being Catapulted Into Moorhead

Tree-killing beavers being catapulted back and forth between Fargo and Moorhead.

Fargo, ND – After many possible solutions to Fargo’s beaver problem were reviewed, city authorities decided to relocate the tree-eating rodents by sending them flying into Minnesota via giant catapults.

Unfortunately, shortly after Project Catapult began, a Moorhead man suffered a concussion after being struck in the head by one of these flying beavers.

Some angry Moorheaders are now beginning to catapult these same beavers back into Fargo.

This feudal vendetta is beginning to even spill over into on-line social media after it was reported that return fire from one Moorhead man struck a Fargo resident directly in his facebook, causing temporary insanity.

The worst of the outdoor fighting now seems to be concentrated in the area between Fargo’s Lindenwood Park and Moorhead’s Gooseberry Park, where people are being warned to wear hockey helmets at all times.

Woman Lists Infant Child On Ebay

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kidforsaleIn another edition of You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (But We Did Anyway), an area mom has listed her infant son, Bemmen, as a bidding item on popular online auction site Ebay.

“Kid was born in a hot air balloon, thought he’d be worth some money,” said societal wretch/mother Backy Stinkhook. “My lil’ Bem came into the world at about 5,000 feet high. Probly the first kid bein’ born way up there! Reserve at $1,000.”

The listing had already risen to 47 bids at press time. Barring any unforseen circumstances (such as Ebay ripping down the listing as it is both highly illegal and completely immoral), young Bemmen will find himself a new hot air balloon by the end of this week.

Haunted Scientology Farm Scaring The Living Crap Out Of Visitors

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Imagine hundreds of dead John Travoltas and Tom Cruises all trying to get you to join Scientology!

Just imagine hundreds of dead John Travoltas and Tom Cruises all trying to get you to join Scientology!

Wolverton, MN – Just outside the quaint village of Wolverton, Minnesota lurks a haunted farm so scary that each visitor must first pass an extensive physical examination before getting the OK to attend.

The American Haunted Farm Association League (AHFAL) has rated the Haunted Scientology Farm a Level SS-16 on the 1-20 Scary Scale.

Dr. Buzz Bizby, the AHFAL President: “No other haunted farms in the Fargo Moorhead area are even into double digits on the Scary Scale. The Haunted Scientology Farm is just about as scary as attending the Clinton Presidential Library And Massage Parlor.”

It has been said that words cannot adequately describe the pure horror experienced at the Haunted Scientology Farm. Some evil electronic Tom Cruise laughter is constantly piped in over the state-of-the-art sound system while seemingly hundreds of Operating Thetans looking zactly like John Travolta and Tom Cruise are constantly stalking you just like Night Of The Living Dead zombies.

One brave attendee named Zonich Lobler from Vergas reported that “both Tom Cruise and John Travolta eventually cornered him and began doing an excruciating auditing session while he was forceably hooked up to an E-meter, afterwhich Xenu himself personally stepped out onto the main Space Opera stage and began making the worst sounds ever imaginable.”

If you and your family are in good physical condition (and can prove it), consider taking a trip to the Haunted Scientology Farm just outside Wolverton, where you will see and feel what Real Scary is all about!

Haunted Corn Maze Hiring 20 Children Of The Corn

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your kid?

Your kid?

Moorhead, MN—Local terror attraction Haunted Corn Maze is in search of blonde-haired, pale-faced, ghoulish children for its upcoming Children Of The Corn exhibit. Area parents, take heed: if you think your prepubescent adolescent fits the criteria of a leering horror child, have him or her line up for an audition!

Corn Maze is looking for 10-20 creeptacular grade-schoolers to wear white contacts and fill a special area of the darkened cornfield. “We’re looking for the weirdest possible small young humans,” says Maze Coordinator Xinder VinReaux. “Don’t apply unless your child is visibly troubling and carries an aura of general unease.”

VinReaux is high on standards, but easy on expectations. “All the kids have to do is stand there motionless and gawk at our patrons while the tour guide tells the story of how each child murdered his or her parents in a blind, painless rage before being excommunicated to our cornfield.”

Qualifying children will receive a year’s supply of Whizzers® and season passes to the Corn Maze.

Local Art Show To Help Hillary’s Legal Defense Fund

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Local artist Amsterdam Douglass is donating his ‘Pink Daisy’ painting to help Hillary get elected from prison.

Fargo, ND – A new local Fargo art gallery (YOGART Gallery) is having a special art show (Help Hillary Now!) to help raise money for Hillary’s Clinton’s Legal Defense Fund.

Facing a possibly long stay in prison (15 years) for breaking multiple federal laws, Hillary (The Pillary) is going to need a lot of money to not only pay all the expected legal fees but also for needed protection in prison (by Secret Server Agents).

Fargo artist Amsterdam Douglass: “I am donating my ‘Pink Daisy’ painting (worth an estimated $100,000 on eBay) to help get the ball rolling toward being proactively raising funds to help what could be our first-ever female US president to be elected and serve as president, all from the comfortable confines of prison.“

Many Considering Getting A Shingle Shot Opting For A Double Shot Instead

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Would you rather have a shingle shot or a double shot?

Would you rather have a shingle or a double shot?

Fargo, ND – To avoid a reactivation of the chickenpox virus, many people are being encouraged to go get a shingle shot from their healthcare provider.

Even though the vaccine could cause a reaction, most doctors say it’s worth the risk as opposed to suffering from the painful rash and blisters associated with getting shingles.

In the Fargo area, a majority of people at risk are choosing to go have a double shot instead of getting the shingle shot.

Markus Wolf is one of them: “Immediately after my double shot, I felt better. I would recommend having a double shot at your favorite local pub.”

Fighting Sioux Fans Plan Freedom-Of-Speech Class Action LawSuit Against NCAA

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The land of the free, and the home of the Sioux!

The land of the free, and the home of the Sioux!

Grand Forks, ND – After it was learned that the NCAA is threatening the University of North Dakota with more penalties and sanctions if the fans continue to yell out “Sioux” at the end of the National Anthem, Sioux fans are planning to sue.

One older woman who has been attending Fighting Sioux hockey games since 1943 said: “This is complete bullshit – the NCAA telling us what we, the fans, can and cannot say. This really fricking bites. Makes me so mad I want to throw my dentures out onto the ice!”

Another fanatic, who is pre-law, opined: “I do believe a crowd of sports fans has the right under our freedom of speech to verbally cheer for a team in any way they see fit. The National Collegiate Athletic Association which was founded by “The Cowboy of the Dakotas“, President Teddy Roosevelt, does not have the power to limit fan speech before, during, or after a game.”

Litigious fans of the former Fighting Sioux plan on filing their complaint to petition the court to get this case certified as a civil rights class action lawsuit. Meanwhile, Ralph Engelstad was unavailable for comment but the word is that the gorgeous world-class Grand Forks hockey arena that bears his name will soon be torn down brick by brick.

Donald Trump Planning Fly-Overs To Drop $100 Bills In Many Key Voting States

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Donald Trump ponders how rich he is.

New York, NY – The next president of the United States wants to thank you in advance for your vote by dropping $100 bills from the sky.

If you live in a key battleground state, expect to see Donald Trump’s plane doing a low slow fly-over while personally emptying bags of cash over your neighborhood.

President Donald Trump: “I am very, very rich and want to do this to begin to make America great again.”

When asked if this is just a blatant attempt to buy votes, Mr. Trump responded: “You must be having a bad day. Based on your loser question, you obviously are wearing those glasses just to try to make you look smart, and you certainly do not understand how trickle down economics works in the real world. Even though you don’t work for me, YOU’RE FIRED!”

Many Fargo Dogs And Dog Owners Using Magic Mushroom Therapy To Create A Closer Bondage

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Get to know your dog through Mushroom Therapy.

Get to know your dog better through the magic of Magic Mushroom Therapy™.

Fargo, ND – For dog owners wanting to create a closer bond between themselves and their dogs, Magic Mushroom Therapy™ is showing some very promising results.

Magic Mushroom Therapy™ now can safely provide you and your dog a weekend bonding experience like no other.

After sending for your Magic Mushroom Therapy™ kit, you will receive a brightly-colored box in the mail that contains everything that you will need inside.

On a quiet Friday night, first put out the sign provided in the box that says “Warning: Dog and Owner Tripping On Mushrooms”.

Then give half of the mushrooms to your dog while you eat the other half.

Use the rope provided to tie your ankle to your dog’s ankle.

(These first two steps are the beginning of your bonding experience.)

Over the next few nights and days, you and your dog will experience a wide range of fun and unusual adventures all in the privacy and safety of your own home or apartment.

Hopefully by sometime on Sunday afternoon when things begin to “settle down” a bit, you and your dog will feel much closer to each other as well as have a new-found deep trust that only comes from undergoing Magic Mushroom Therapy™ together.