Former Vikings Mascot Now With Green Bay Packers

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Ragnar and Rogers team up!

Ragnar and Rodgers happy to team up!

Green Bay, WI – After being let go by the Minisoda ViQueens, Ragnar has signed a lucrative contract with the Green Gay Packers.

Mascot Ragnar was recently let go by the ViQueens for “megalomaniacal insubordination” and asking for too much money.

Ragnar’s agent, Celedor Galbassi, said: “Ragnar thought he was asking for a reasonable raise based on his senior status amongst all the other NFL team mascots.”

The Packers were quick to offer Ragnar a sweet benefits package that he could not refuse, including a nice pay raise and all the free cheese he and his family can eat.

Mr. Galbassi did mention that Ragnar will have to paint his motorcycle gold and dark green, and also wear a cheesehead instead of the old horns.

After Meeting With Bishops, Rooks, And Pawns, Pope Goes Golfing With Obama

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Right this way to the golf course, Your Popeness!

Washington, DC – After spending a busy day visiting with everyone from top Catholic bishops down to some lowly pawns and paupers, Pope Francis was challenged by President Obama to a friendly round of golf by way of a short ride on Marine One.

As many people know (or don’t know), the Pope is an avid golfer.

The Pope has played many a round of golf with fellow Argentinian Angel Cabrera, who has won both the U.S. Open and the Masters, after having received some helpful golf tips (and spiritual guidance) from the Pope.

Both Pope Frank and President Obama are expected to attend the upcoming world leaders’ invitational golf event in Russia called Puttin’ With Putin.

Ladybug Named Insect-Of-The-Year By Entomologists

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Little red bug, oh so cute, here’s a black spot for your suit. –Susan M. Paprocki

Ladysmith, Wisconsin – The Entomological Society of America has just announced that the ladybug is the proud winner of the coveted Insect-of-the-Year Award.

In very close voting, the ladybug beat out the firefly, the monarch butterfly, and the praying mantis.

The ladybug has long been a perennial favorite (except for when it bites) because they are so cute and tame.

The ladybug eats those nasty little aphids which are very harmful because they suck the living juices out of plants.

One ladybug can put down as many as fifty fricking aphids in one sitting.

Many people are starting to host their own ladybug farms right in their own homes as pets for companionship and also to sell for profit to organic gardeners in their locales.

If you want to host a ladybug farm, remember to leave a glass of water out for them to drink. For a little extra fun, occasionally put out a margarita instead and watch all the craziness!

Caitlyn Jenner On New $10 ‘Hero Bill’

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$10 soon to be worth more than $10

$10 bill soon to be worth more than $10

Washington, DC – After becoming a national hero to most Americans, the Federal Reserve has proudly announced that Caitlyn Jenner will soon be appearing on the new $10 bills.

It is already being called the “Hero Bill” since Caitlyn Jenner recently won the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPY award show amidst thunderous applause from all those present, except for Brett Favre.

Federal Reserve Chairman Janet Yellen said that she hopes by putting hero Caitlyn Jenner on the new $10 Hero Bill, there will be much more acceptance and understanding for those who are, or are becoming transjenner.

You will soon be able to get the new $10 Hero Bills at any bank, but each one will cost $15 because of such high demand.

Psychic Convention To Be Held In Fargo, North Dakota

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As you probably know, Psychic Convention to be held in Fargo.

Fargo hosting Psychic Convention!

Fargo, ND – As you’ve probably seen in your crystal ball, Fargo will be hosting the next International Psychic Convention.

Amateur and professional psychics from almost every corner of the globe will soon be descending upon Fargo.

The specifics of this special commingling congregation such as the date, time, and place are not being announced since all true psychics do not need to be told this most basic information.

Ms. Shirley MacLaine is scheduled to be the main keynote speaker along with other notables such as: John Edward, Uri Geller, and Miss Cleo. Deceased psychic Edgar Cayce who died in 1945 is also expected to make his presence and wishes known during the Midnight Reincarnation Incantation.

Vast Amounts Of Chocolate Discovered On Mars

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If you like chocolate, you’ll love Mars!

Chocolate Valley, Mars – As many scientists have long suspected, the planet Mars has been discovered to have large amounts of chocolate on its surface.

Kudoto Kimikuku, Chief Chocolate Research Scientist for NASA says: “Large rivers of rich dark chocolate have been found flowing on Mars much like the heavy sledge of a BP oil slick.”

Now that the presence of chocolate has been confirmed on Mars, that opens up the possibility that early pioneers traveling to Mars can survive by eating a chocolate-rich diet of cookies, cake, and candies.

If you are interested in signing up to win a free trip to Mars, simply email the FM Observer, explaining in 500 words or less how much you love chocolate and why you should be chosen to make the short jaunt to our neighboring chocolate planet.

New Designated Driver ‘Party Bus’ Offers Free Rides To Bars In The Fargo Area

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Fargo’s New Party Bus offers free rides to all bars!

Fargo, ND – Fargo is now offering a new free service for those who have been drinking. It is called the Party Bus!

The Party Bus will provide drinkers free rides to and from all bars in the Fargo and West Fargo area. As punishment for tearing down Ralph’s and Kirby’s, Moorhead is not included.

If you and your friends have been drinking quite heavily, perhaps after a heart-breaking Bison football loss, just use your smartphone app to request a free ride to your next pub on the Party Bus!

This free service, which is thoughtfully provided by Alcoholics Anonymous, will only be available from noon to midnight and will run every Thursday through Sunday.

Have you been wanting to get out more and do more binge drinking but were always worried about getting pulled over by the cops? Now you can, and leave all the driving to the Party Bus!

If Elected President, Trump Vows To Go Bald

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Shed the Head, Donald!

Cueball Trump

New York, NY – While standing on top of his Trump Tower building, Donald Trump promised to a small gaggle of reporters that if elected president, he would shave the top of his own personal Trump Tower.

Call it a gimmick if you must, but you must admit that Donald Trump shaving his head and shedding his famous hair would be a sight to behold.

One would have to go back to our 34th president to find another who also donned a dome head: Dwight D. Eisenhower, but Ike arguably had a hint of hair.

The Donald says his bald head would be a respectful tip of the hat to our national predatory symbol, the Bald Eagle, which coincidentally would be President Trump’s secret service code name.

With another GOP debate on CNN’s horizon, Donald Trump is now challenging all the other Republican candidates to vow to shave their heads if elected president, to show their allegiance to the Bald Eagle.

Canada Building Wall To Keep Out Mericans And Mexicans

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The Walling Of Canada, eh?

Ottawa, Ontario – While the United States continues its never-ending debate about building a wall on its southern border, Canada is actually beginning to build a wall on its southern border.

Another northwestern wall is being built to divide Canada and Alaska.

Jan-Panko LaPlonk, the Canadian Grand Deputy Prime Minister of Border Security, says: “Well, we think it’s a good idea, eh?”

The Great Wall of Canada will run about 5,500 miles, equaling the length of the Great Wall of China.

The Great Wall of Canada will cross fields, forests, mountains, great lakes, highways, hockey arenas, and living rooms.

UPDATE: With the election of Donald Trump as the next US president, Canada is now working double-time to finish building the wall along their Southern border. They also say that the United States will pay for their wall.

Lutheran Social Services Promises To Increase The Number Of Refugees Coming Into Fargo

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Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Fargo, ND – Due to popular demand and overwhelming community support, Lutheran Social Services of North Dakota is vowing to dramatically increase the number of refugees being brought into our region.

Many agree that since Lutheran Social Services does such a great job of integrating these new permanent residents into our area, and since the crime rate does not seem to be negatively affected at all, the rate at which these new Americans are brought in at should be upped.

In fact, regarding our state proudly wanting to increase its rate of bringing in multi-cultural groups, North Dakota is now telling other states: “We’re upping our numbers, so up yours!”