Tag Archives: football

An Online Christmas Card You Can Send To A Friend

Merry Christmas to whomever you are!

As we gather round the Christmas tree,
Which was chopped and flocked for you and me,
We nibble on some scones and sip Chablis,
While outside it’s a dangerous one degree.

All the nicely wrapped presents that we see,
Are a result of that black friday shopping spree.
Why get one when you can afford to buy three,
Of those red candles scented with potpourri?

Christmas is a fun time of family glee,
Enhanced on Facebook with hyperbole.
Rather than giving each person a new CD,
Tis way more awesome to get a real pony!

One might suggest getting some activity,
Perhaps head out and go cross country ski.
But most would likely have to agree,
They’d rather watch football on NBC.

Wounded Knee Could Leave Adrian Peterson A Paralegal For The Rest Of His Life

Adrian Peterson being assisted off the field since new home field forgot to buy a golf cart.

Adrian Peterson being assisted off the field since new home field stadium forgot to buy a golf cart.

Minneapolis, MN – After only seven quarters of football, Adrian Peterson’s 2016 season appears to be in serious jeopardy.

While Colin Kaepernick has been taking a knee during the National Anthem, Adrian Peterson is losing a knee, following in the footsteps of teammate Theodore Bridgewater, Jr.

After an underwhelming 12 carries for 19 yards against the visiting Packers, losing Adrian Peterson would be an overwhelming loss for the Vikings.

On a negative note, the game against the Green Bay Packers could leave Adrian Peterson as a paralegal with the Vikings for the rest of his life.

On a positive note, former Vikings defensive tackle Alan Page successfully embarked on a legal career after leaving the Vikings. Page went on to serve as an associate justice of the Minnesota Supreme Court from 1993 until retiring in 2015.

Even though the Vikings ultimately won their first game in their new stadium, with the loss of Adrian Peterson it seems to be a Pyrrhic victory.

NDSU Changing Its School Song To: We Are The Champions!

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While striving for 6 consecutive championships, Bison fans will be cheering for: The Joy Of Six!

Fargo, ND – Ever since the third verse of the NDSU Bison school song was found to have some “troubling” lyrics, the search has been on to pick a replacment song for “The Yellow and the Green” which was written by Archibald Minard and Clarence Putnam back around 1908.

NDSU is now extremely proud to announce that its new official school song is: We Are The Champions!

This ever-popular song was written by the late, great Freddie Mercury and introduced to the world by the band Queen in 1977.

After five straight national championships by the NDSU football team, We Are The Champions seems to be the perfect new school song for The Bison. In fact, Freddie Mercury said that he was actually thinking about football when he wrote the song.

With their new school song behind them, the NDSU Bison will now seek to extend their championship run to six straight winning trips to Frisco, Texas.

For this quest, the NDSU Bison football team is also announcing their new official slogan for this next year: The Joy Of Six!

Obama Names NDSU Bison Our National Football Team

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Generations of Bison have and will continue to dominate the competition in and on the field.

Buffalo, NY – President Obama has graciously taken some time off his busy golf schedule to name the NDSU Bison our official national football team.

Top spokesman for the president, Scheff Fleffly spoke on strict terms of anonymity:

“Let it be known far and wide, that we hereby decree, from this day forward, that the 5-Time National Champion NDSU Bison from Fargo, South Dakota are henceforth to be named the national football team of America.”

Reaction to this major announcement was swift and mixed, and then poured into a tall chilled glass:

“Hey, I thought Fargo was in Canada, eh?” pondered Dumpster Johnstone’s stepmother.

Crest Fleckers lisped: “It’s about time, since the Bisons not only discovered America but have managed to dominate since Day One!”

LaFlex Boddington retroflexed: “Don’t we have more impotent things to worry about like Global Cooling or lowering the Maximum Wage?!”

Punky Butterworth sub-vocalized: “Well, that’s just fricking great! Now perhaps we can finally integrate outcome-based critical thinking via self-reflection on what the Bison mean to us, collectively, as a group.”

North Dakota Unveils Its New State Flag

North Dakota's new slogan is: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

North Dakota’s new flag displays its new state motto: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

Bismarck, ND – After the Fighting Sioux won their eighth national hockey championship, and with the fifth straight national title for the NDSU Bison football team, North Dakota has decided to change its state flag and state motto.

In an easy-to-read, large, bold font (unlike the new license plates which suck), the new ND state flag will proudly say: North Dakota, and Nos Sunt Optima which is Latin for “We Are The Best!”

The official swearing-in ceremony for North Dakota’s new motto and flag will be in Bismarck on the 4th of July, followed by a massive display of fireworks, free mini-flags for everyone, fantastic foods for sale, fun until midnight, and just a general, old-fashioned fracking good time for all.

If you have a drone, bring it for the drone races! There will also be bocce ball and bean bag toss tournaments. All participants of these events will receive a collector T-shirt emblazoned with North Dakota’s new motto: Nos Sunt Optima.

Peyton Manning Announces Formation Of Senior Football League

Peyton Manning lays out plans for new SFL (Senior Football League)

Peyton Manning lays out plans for new SFL (Senior Football League) whose headquarters will be in Omaha

Denver, CO – During Peyton Manning’s formal announcement of retirement from the Denver Broncos, he used the opportunity to also discuss plans for his new Senior Football League.

Peyton Manning: “Even though this is the end of a football chapter for a man, it is also the beginning of a new football chapter for mankind.”

The two-time Super Bowl champion went on to say that he and Brett Favre have been kicking this idea around for some time and are now ready to kick it through the uprights.

“Many players who retire from the NFL don’t really want to stop playing football,” Manning points out.

“If they still want to compete and perhaps need to earn some extra money, the SFL will provide aging players (and cheerleaders) the opportunity to continue their football careers just like in the sports of golf, tennis, and Sumo wrestling.”

Gamecocks No Match For NDSU Bison Thundering Herd

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A few scrawny gamecocks prove to be no match for The Bison Thundering Herd!

Frisco, TX – A gamecock is a rooster that’s bred and trained for cockfighting. Unfortunately for Alabama’s Jacksonville State, Bison are buffalos that are bred and trained to stomp out gamecocks.

After the NDSU Bison football team’s bloody stampede over the opposing gamecocks, it once again shows that The Bison are truly in a league of their own.

While gamecocks are learning how to peck at other gamecocks to establish their little pecking order, NDSU Bison football players are lifting tractors for exercise.

While gamecocks are nibbling at a kernel of corn, NDSU Bison football players are practicing to win another National Championship amid endless fields of corn.

While gamecocks are limping back to their bus for medical attention, NDSU Bison 5-Time National Champion football players are being recruited by the NFL.

Go Bison! Bison Nation! Bison Pride!
Hello, once again, to ESPN College GameDay!

Binge Drinking OKed In Fargodome Suites During Football Games

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Raise your beer pitcher and let’s toast to binge drinking in all suite seats!

Fargo, ND – The Good News: The decision has been made to finally allow binge drinking during Bison football games.

The Bad News: Binge drinking will only be allowed in suites. So, if you’re not in a suite, all your drinking will have to be drunk during the tailing gating party in the parking lot prior to entering the Fargodome.

The Other Good News: The entire Fargodome has now been zoned as one giant “suite”, so no matter where you are, binge drinking will not only be allowed, but encouraged.

Hundreds Of Misguided Bison Fans Mistakenly Went To San Francisco

Are you saying the Bison championship football game isn't in San Francisco?

Are you saying the Bison championship football game isn’t in San Francisco?

San Francisco, CA – Some Bison football fans taking buses to the Big Game in Frisco ended up taking a very wrong turn.

A convoy of four buses full of Bison fans had gotten as far as Omaha, Nebraska when one of the bus drivers was chatting with a trucker at a truck stop during a smoke break.

“Where yawl headed?” asked the trucker.

“Taking these fine Fargo folks to Frisco!” the head bus driver answered.

“Well, there’s Interstate 80. That will take yawl straight to Frisco!” said the trucker.

“OK, thanks” the bus driver responded, as they both stomped out their cigarettes.

Unfortunately the trucker supposedly thought they were going to San Francisco instead of Frisco, Texas.

Many miles later, the convoy of four busloads of singing Bison fans pulled into San Fransicso, California.

They’re now all riding the San Francisco cable cars asking everyone “Where are the Bison? Where’s the big game?!”

It turns out that the trucker back in Omaha who gave them wrong directions attended Illinois State University. He knew that all those Bison fans were trying to get to Frisco, Texas to cheer the Bison on to their 4th straight National Championship.

Moral of the story: Never take directions from a Redbird.

Going South? Then you need to travel West!

Going South? Well then, you need to travel straight West for about a thousand miles!

NFL Reveals Diagnosis to Peyton Manning

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One of Manning’s tics called “Fishing”

After keeping the diagnosis under wraps for nearly a decade the NFL finally told Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning he has Tourette’s syndrome.

The league’s biggest secret was first discovered in 2005 when Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy noticed Manning’s unusual behavior at the line of scrimmage. The symptoms began as a mere foot stomp, but as the years progressed Manning started shouting random words that had no meaning to the offense.

“What really tipped me off was when he started flapping his arms like a bird,” Dungy said. “That had no meaning to our offense and threw us off for a few games, but I told the rest of the offense to ignore him and we went on to have a pretty good season.”

Dungy invited Tourette’s specialist Beth Grundstad to a home game to watch Manning. Grundstad immediately noticed the symptoms and diagnosed the quarterback on the spot.

“Common symptoms of this syndrome are flapping the arms, hopping, touching other people, repeating words or phrases and barking among other things,” she said. “Peyton was doing all of those on almost every play. There was no question he was on the Tourette’s spectrum, but Tony asked me to keep it quiet because they were doing so well.”

The diagnosis reached the NFL’s front office sometime in 2008, but the higher-ups decided it was better for the game if Manning continued on the path he was on.

“Peyton was playing outstanding football and we couldn’t take away from him or the league,” executive Paul Cornston said. “As years went his tics became more frequent and we felt compelled to tell him. Finally, we decided that after he broke Brett Favre’s record we would break the news.”

Since 2008, several people have threatened to break the news to Manning. In 2011, Manning suffered a career-threatening neck injury from whipping his head back and forth. In 2014, as the Broncos made their way to the Superbowl, fans demanded to know exactly what “Omaha” meant, but Manning refused to give a practical answer.

“Omaha is a city in Nebraska,” he said with a stupid smile on his face.

Sadly, he was being dead serious.

After Manning threw his 510th career touchdown, coach John Fox finally sat Manning down, went over some film and broke the news.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, OMAHA,” Manning said. “APPLE, I thought I was changing the play at the line, but it turns out I was just slapping my linemen’s asses for no reason and, APPLE APPLE, yelling at people.”

With the diagnosis out in the open, coach Fox is worried about the impact it will have on the rest of the season. For years, defenses have been changing their schemes to counter Manning’s audibles, but now that they know his tics are meaningless they are sure to adjust.

“Between Dungy and I, I think we milked this as far as we could,” Fox said. “Now, defenses will know just to ignore his shouting and flailing and focus on how our offense is lined up.”